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37Quotes from ‘Slapsgiving’

How I Met Your Mother: Slapsgiving

309. Slapsgiving

Aired November 19, 2007

Marshall warns Barney that his third slap from the "Slap Bet" will land on Thanksgiving. Meanwhile, Robin announces that she's bringing her boyfriend to Thanksgiving dinner.

Quote from Ted

Lily: Isn't it sad? I mean in 2007, some countries actually still condone corporal punishment.
Ted & Robin: [salute] Corporal punishment.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Because once you start, it's surprisingly hard to stop.
Marshall: Oh, man, I got a kernel stuck in my teeth.
Ted & Robin: [salute] Colonel stuck-in-my-teeth.
Marshall: Please stop!
Barney: I hate you!
Lily: You're killing me!

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Quote from Robin

Lily: Well, guys have fun.
Ted: This is gonna be major clean-up.
All: [salute] Major clean-up.
Marshall: Oh man, we're gonna be doing this all the time, now aren't we?
Robin: Well, that's the general idea.
All: [salute] General idea.

Quote from Ted

Future Ted: [v.o.] Back when we were dating, Robin and I had this running joke. We were the only two people in the world who found it funny.
Barney: No way! March does not have 31 days.
Marshall: Yes, it does! Everyone knows that. It's like general knowledge.
Ted & Robin: [salute] General knowledge.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And we did it all the time.

Quote from Robin

Robin: Well, he didn't have anywhere else to go, and I didn't know what to say. Is it really that big a deal?
Lily: This is our first Thanksgiving. 30 years from now, we're going to look at the photos and say, "Oh, there's the four people I love most in the world... and Bob."
Robin: I'm sorry. Sometimes I forget how seriously you guys take American Thanksgiving. Real thanksgiving happened over a month ago.
Barney: I'm "surry". Did you just say Canadian Thanksgiving was and I'm quoting, "The real Thanksgiving"? What do Canadians even have to celebrate "aboot"?
Robin: Canadian Thanksgiving celebrates explorer Martin Frobisher's valiant, yet ultimately unsuccessful attempt, to find the northwest passage.
Barney: Why are you guys even a country?

Quote from Ted

Bob: This is rad! A nice, small,simple Thanksgiving. I'm the youngest of ten in my family, so our Thanksgiving is a mess. All the yelling and the screaming...
Future Ted: [v.o.] And then a funny thing happened...
Bob: It's really a major buzz-kill.
Ted and Robin: [salute] Major buzz-kill.
Lily: Oh, no.
Barney: I thought we were done with that?
Robin: I guess we're not.
Ted: Guess we're not.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: That's three! Thanks, baby, you're the best. And as a special, added bonus, I've composed a song just for this occasion. Ted, lights!
[Marshall starts playing the piano]
Marshall: [singing] What is this feelin' that's put you in your place A hot, red burnin' on the side of your face you feel the blood rush to your cheek. Tears start to fill your eyes and your lips are tremblin' but you can't speak, you're tryin', Oh, you're tryin' not to cry! You just got slapped [Barney adds "Oh, oh"] Across the face, my friend [Barney adds "Oh, oh, oh"] You just got slapped. Yes, that really just happened. Everybody saw it and everybody laughed and clapped, it was awesome. Wait, you just got... slapped. Happy Slapsgiving, everybody.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: Oh, hey, by the way, if anyone wants to come over early Thursday, we can watch the Slapsgiving day parade.
Barney: Well, there, you said it again.
Marshall: Said what?
Barney: Slapsgiving.
Marshall: Oh, I guess I did. You know why? I've invented a new holiday: Slapsgiving. It's the one day we set aside each year to gather together and give slaps.

Quote from Barney

Future Ted: [v.o.] After a very long night, it was finally the big holiday. Sorry, the two big holidays.
Lily: Oh, Marshall, are you working on the cranberry sauce?
Marshall: In a minute, baby. I've only got so many hands. You see what I got going on here? They're turkeys, but they're also hands, because later, we're going to eat turkey... and then I'm going to slap you in your face.
Barney: Please, you took out all the suspense. In a horror movie, the killer does not grab a bullhorn and announce, "Attention, unsupervised teens here at the lake house: At precisely 3:00 a.m., I'm gonna jump out of that closet right there and hack you all up with a machete. P.S. fire is my one weakness."

Quote from Ted

Ted: The only reason I'm jealous of Bob is that we can only talk about the first Thanksgiving, but he was actually there.
Robin: Come on.
Ted: The only reason I'm jealous of Bob is because I heard Noah gave him shotgun in the ark.
Robin: Ted...
Ted: The only reason I'm jealous of Bob is that I'm just an architect, but he discovered fire. How do you top that?

Quote from Marshall

Lily: All right,we have a turkey.
Marshall: Yeah, we do.
Lily: Isn't this exciting? Our first Thanksgiving together as a group.
Marshall: Yeah, this is gonna be the best Slapsgiving ever.
Barney: What?
Marshall: I said this is going to be the best Thanksgiving ever.

Quote from Barney

Barney: No, no. The countdown ends at 3:00 p.m., the day after Thanksgiving. I counted it out.
Ted: How many days are in October?
Barney: Uh, thirty.
Ted: Dude, I thought we cleared this up last year.
[flashback to Barney dressed as Borat in MacLaren's:]
Barney: I like Halloween very much. Is nice.
Ted: Is also tomorrow.
Barney: Damn it!

Quote from Marshall

Barney: Wait, you're gonna slap me on Thanksgiving?
Marshall: Slapsgiving.
Barney: That's not allowed. Lily, you're the Slap Bet Commissioner, is that allowed?
Lily: The hostess in me who's using her wedding china for the first time wants to say "Hell, no!", but yeah, I'm going to allow it.
Barney: Well, you know what? If you're trying to freak me out about spending Thanksgiving...
Marshall: Slapsgiving.
Barney:. ..at your place, then you failed. Truth is, I'm not scared.
Marshall: Really?
Barney: Right. Cause you blew it. The worst part about getting slapped is not knowing when it's going to happen. But now I know exactly when I'm gonna get slapped. So, you took all the suspense out. You showed your hand.
Marshall: And Thursday at 3:01 p.m., your face is going to show my hand.

Quote from Marshall

[Ted drops a plate]
Marshall: Oh, no! The slap-petizers.

Quote from Barney

Marshall: Oh, my! Look at that. That means we're in the final hour of the countdown.
Barney: I'm not scared.
Marshall: Then why is your right cheek twitching?
Barney: It's not...
Marshall: Maybe it's because future me slaps future you so hard, it reverberates back to the present, shattering the time-slap continuum.
Barney: [whimpering] Please don't slap me.
Marshall: I'm sorry, what?
Barney: Oh, God! Don't slap me again! I don't want to get slapped again, and the first two times hurt so bad, I don't like it! I don't like it one bit!
Marshall: I thought I ruined it by putting a clock on it, Barney?
Barney: Well, you didn't ruin it. You made it so much worse! I can't eat. I can't sleep. I've lost ten pounds. My suits are wearing me. You know what? I'm outta here.
Marshall: Well, no, no, no. you can't leave.
Barney: Why can't I?! Nowhere in the rules does it say that I have to sit through sort of mental torture! You are allowed to slap my face, Sir, but you are not allowed to slap my mind! Good day!

Quote from Lily

Marshall: But it's Slapsgiving.
Lily: No! It's not! It's Thanksgiving! Our first one as a married couple, as grownups and you're not even trying to be a part of it! None of you are! So, as Slap Bet Commissioner, I'm issuing a ruling. Thanksgiving is a day of peace. There will be no slaps today!
Marshall: What?!
Barney: Yes! In your face, not my face!

Quote from Marshall

Barney: Hey, check it out! We're in the last 20 seconds of Marshall's countdown to nothing.
Lily: Barney, put it away.
Barney: How does it feel, Marshall,to sit there, impotently... your large, flaccid hand,just dangling in the wind?
Female Voice: [on computer] The slap will occur in ten..
Barney: Ooh, classy touch, dude. Too bad!
Lily: Barney, put it away.
Female Voice: Six...
Barney: I will in... five...
Female Voice: five, four...
Lily: You can slap him.
Female Voice: three...
Barney: What?! Wait, you...
Female Voice: two...one.
[Marshall slaps Barney with all his might. Barney falls across the sofa and lands on the floor.]
Marshall: That's three! Thanks, baby, you're the best.


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