Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, after Uncle Marshall lost his father, he decided to stay home a while to take care of his mother. But the longer he stayed there, the more it was like he had never left Minnesota.
Marshall: [answering phone] Eriksen residence, Marshall speaking.
Robin: Oh, that is too cute. Say it again.
Marshall: No. It's called manners, jerk. Now, what's... What's going on in New York? Give me something.

[flashback to the gang at MacLaren's where Zoey introduces Ted to her cousin:]
Zoey: Ted, this is my cousin...
Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, to be honest, I don't quite remember this girl's name. None of us do, because as this story
has been told and retold, we've always just referred to her as...
Honey: Honey.
Ted: Hi, Honey, I'm Ted.
Future Ted: And here's why.
[present, Robin on the phone to Marshall:]
Robin: She is a lovely person... warm, intelligent, just kind of gullible. It's like, every word out of her mouth makes you want to be like, "Oh, honey".

[Robin is on the phone with Marshall, telling him about Zoey's cousin Honey:]
Honey: My apartment building is so safe. My landlord he even installed a security camera in my shower.
Marshall: Oh, honey.
Honey: Maybe I should feel weird about giving a stranger my Social Security number, but the guy's a Nigerian prince.
Marshall: Oh, honey.
Honey: I just had a great TV audition. Behind the KFC where the executive producer works on the weekends.
Marshall: Oh, honey.
Honey: Long story short, I'm going to be on Lost.
Marshall: Oh, honey.

Barney: [on the phone] Hey, Marshall.
Marshall: Barney. W... what number is this?
Barney: I'm up on burners, playa. Too many crazies had my old number, so now I'm all about disposable cell phones. I'll use one for a while, have my fun, then dump it and get a new one. And then I'll do the same with my phone.

Barney: [on the phone] Anyway, I get Honey back to her place.
[flashback:]
Barney: Who's your daddy?
[present:]
Marshall: Okay, can we skip this part, please?
Barney: Sure, I'll just summarize it. [imitates bed springs squeaking, speeds up, slows down]
Marshall: Okay, that's been going on a while.
Barney: Only way I know how.

Marshall: [switches phone line] Eriksen residence, Marshall speaking. Listen, Robin. I know. I apologize for my wife. She never should have...
Robin: Yeah, I told Zoey you hate her.
Marshall: Me? You dragged me into this?!
Robin: You just went through a tragedy. It's not like she's gonna call you up and...
Marshall: Oh, God, that's my other line. Oh, God, it's a 917 number, and I don't recognize it! I think it's Zoey!
Robin: Just don't answer it.
Marshall: I can't not answer. It's impolite.
Robin: Marshall, you can beat this.
Marshall: I can't turn my back on politeness.
Robin: You don't have to answer. You can just let it ring.
Marshall: Good manners are what separate us from those "elbows on the table" Wisconsinites.
Robin: You can do this. I believe in you. Don't do it, Marshall!
Marshall: I'm sorry, Robin!

Marshall: [answers phone] Eriksen residence. Marshall speaking.
Honey: Hi. I spent the night with your friend Barney and he accidentally left his phone in my apartment, in the garbage. But I've been going through all of his contacts because I'm sure he wants to get in touch with me. After all, he told me, uh... I was his first.
Marshall: Oh, honey.

Marshall: [on the phone] Listen, um, about Barney...
Honey: Oh, yeah. He's such a sweet guy.
[flashback to Barney and Honey together:]
Barney: Who's your daddy?
Honey: Oh... Who's your daddy?
Barney: [crying] I don't know.
[present:]
Honey: I guess he recently decided to get in touch with his dad. His mom gave him the guy's address.
[flashback:]
Barney: So I wrote him a letter. And I poured my heart out. And I gave him my number and I told him to call me. And he still hasn't called me.
Honey: Oh, honey.

[flashback to Barney with Honey in her apartment:]
Barney: I mean, I shouldn't be surprised. Clearly, he wants nothing to do with me.
Honey: Oh, honey.
Barney: I mean, why else would he let 30 years go by? He's ashamed to have me as a son.
Honey: Oh, honey, he's not ashamed of you. He's ashamed of himself. I mean, look at you. You're do so great without him. I mean, you have an airline and three Nobel Prizes, and you play for the Yankees.
Barney: Four. Four Nobel Prizes.
Honey: Four. See? That is impressive. I mean, how many does he have?
Barney: Only three.
Honey: Well, there you go.

[Marshall is explaining the situation to Judy and Marcus using a board and cards from the game Clue:]
Marshall: So we got Ted and Zoey. Ted is in love with Zoey. Zoey has no idea. Then Zoey's cousin Honey went home with Barney, and Zoey was happy about it. Which tells us what?
Marcus: Zoey's in love with...
Marshall: Zoey's in love with Ted and Ted doesn't know. So Ted and Zoey, they're in love with each other, which would be fine if Zoey wasn't married to Colonel Mustard. I mean, The Captain.