Marshall: Hey, thanks again for picking us up. It's been a crazy couple days. You can't imagine what we've been through.
The Mother: Wait, let me guess. You were visiting a relative? Maybe your mother? And I'm getting a Midwest vibe, somewhere like Wisconsin... [Marshall scoffs] No. Minnesota?
Marshall: Wow, you're, like, really good at this.
The Mother: You're planning an overseas trip with your wife. I'm seeing a feisty redhead who loves art. She just got a job in Europe. Maybe France? No. Italy? Total shot in the dark, but Rome?
Marshall: Maybe I'll just like... I'll get out right here.
The Mother: You're not going anywhere. No, I'm just messing with you. I rode the train with your wife. She told me all about you. You must be Marshall.

Lily: [inner monologue] No, I'm not looking. I don't need to see my child used against me. My sweet, beautiful child, who I haven't seen in a week. Whose head smells like love and unicorn teardrops and why are trains so Ionely? Damn it, I'm looking.
The Mother: Hey, are you okay? You look stressed. Plus, you muttered a few words out loud. I heard "Ionely" and "unicorn." Which actually gave me a great idea for a children's book, so thank you. Are you okay?
Lily: No.
The Mother: But there's nothing you can do... You want a cookie?
Lily: Yes. Yes, I do.
The Mother: Wow. You just took a cookie from a complete stranger on a train. I like how trusting you are. There could be drugs or poison in there.
Lily: There's not, is there?
The Mother: No idea, I found them under my seat. Kidding! Sorry. You looked stressed so I thought you could use a cookie. Then I thought you could use a joke. I should've stopped at the cookie.
Lily: You know, I don't care if these are poisoned. There's chocolate and peanut butter and caramel in these sumbitches!
The Mother: I call them "Sumbitches!"
Future Ted: [v.o.] And that's how Lily met your mother.

Marshall: So, what did Darren do to you?
The Mother: Well, a few years ago, I started this band. You know, it was a goof. It was just me and a couple of dorks from business school. I'm actually embarrassed to tell you our name.
Marshall: I had an all-lawyer band called The Funk, the Whole Funk and Nothing but the Funk.
The Mother: Oh, I now feel very safe talking about my band, Super Freakonomics.
Marshall: Nice.

[flashback to March 2008:]
The Mother: Okay, here it is. I haven't played this since the popular girls locked me inside the case. Although it was roomier than when I played the violin. [gasps] What are you doing?
Mitch: I don't know. What am I doing?
The Mother: I don't know. What are you doing?
Mitch: This is my thing.
The Mother: It certainly is. Now please cover your thing up.
Mitch: Sorry. I meant this move, it's my thing. I call it "The Naked Man." A few weeks ago, I was on a date, and it worked. And then I was on another date and it worked again, so I figured it would work all the time.
The Mother: Well, now you know it doesn't work all the time.
Mitch: Yeah. Although two out of three.
The Mother: Is this what it's gonna be like being single in New York? Even the nice guys turn out to be total creeps?
Mitch: I have gotten pretty creepy since I moved here.
The Mother: I feel so lost right now. I don't even know what I'm doing with my life.
Mitch: Can I tell you an embarrassing story?
The Mother: Is it this one taking place right now?

[flashback to April 2012:]
Louis: MacLaren's. The last time I was here, I thought this place was called Puzzles.
The Mother: Huh. That's an odd name. Why would you call a bar Puzzles? Unless... that's the puzzle.

Lily: So I was driving with my friend, who thinks he's the road-trip master. He has leather driving gloves. Who wears those?
The Mother: Huge dorks. That's who.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Your mother was lying. She had her own pair.
Lily: And he always makes us stop to see some weird roadside attraction no one except him gives a crap about.
The Mother: Nerd alert!
Future Ted: Kids, you remember the seven-hour detour on our trip to Disney World so your mother didn't miss
that goat in South Carolina who could blow smoke rings.
Lily: And he won't go one mile an hour over the speed limit.
The Mother: That would drive me crazy. I would give him a humiliating nickname until he stopped driving like a little girl.
Future Ted: It was Lady Tedwina Slowsby. And it worked.

The Mother: [playing ukulele and singing] Hold me close and hold me fast This magic spell you cast This is la vie en rose When you kiss me heaven sighs And though I close my eyes I see la vie en rose When you press me to your heart I'm in a world apart A world where roses bloom And when you speak, angels sing from above Everyday words seem to turn into love songs Give your heart and soul to me And life will always be La vie en rose
Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, I must have heard your mom's rendition of "La Vie en Rose" a million times over the years. Every night when she tucked you in, for instance. But that performance, that first night I ever heard her sing... that one will always be my favorite.

[the year 2024:]
Ted: I've told you this one before.
The Mother: A few times.
Ted: Oh. I'm just a boring old man who won't stop spinning yarns.
The Mother: Oh, hey, I love your yarns. I hope you never stop spinning them.
Ted: But?
The Mother: You're the love of my life, pooh bear. I just worry about you. I don't want you to be the guy who lives in his stories. Life only moves forward.

[the year 2024:]
Ted: So, what happens next? With Lily and the wedding dress, I mean.
The Mother: Well, she brought the dress so she and Marshall could get new wedding photos taken, because, in yet another story I know...
[flashback to Marshall shaving his head on his wedding day]
The Mother: What space would I have in my brain for other things if I didn't know all this? Ah, probably just state birds or some crap. Heh.

[the year 2024:]
Ted: And that's the story. Right down to the surprise ending.
The Mother: Is it really such a surprise? I mean, come on. Of course she showed up. What mother is gonna miss her daughter's wedding? [Ted gets emotional] Oh, hey. No, come on.
Ted: [sobbing] It's okay, I'm fine. I'm okay.
The Mother: Did Barney really wear a scuba suit into the bar?
Ted: I've told you that story a million times.
The Mother: Yeah, but where did Barney get the scuba suit?
Ted: He stole it.
The Mother: What?
Ted: Yeah. I can't believe I forgot that. He walked right into this sporting goods store, tried on a scuba suit, walked right out the door. He walked all the way home in it, like 20 blocks. [both laugh[ Guy in a scuba suit,
just walking down Broadway.
The Mother: He should be in prison.
Ted: Well, yeah, for lots of reasons.