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32Quotes from ‘The Scorpion and the Toad’

How I Met Your Mother: The Scorpion and the Toad

202. The Scorpion and the Toad

Aired September 25, 2006

Barney helps Marshall get back on to the singles' scene, but he keeps stealing Marshall's potential dates. Meanwhile, Ted doesn't believe Lily is as happy as she claims.

Quote from Lily

Marshall: And the pizza there. Worst pizza ever! I'm so glad to be back in New York.
Marshall: Yeah.
Lily: Listen, if there is anything I can do to even begin to make things up to you.
Marshall: Actually, there's maybe something you can do for me. But you can never ever ask me why.
[cut to MacLaren's, where Barney is still with the twins:]
Barney: So then, I was promoted to assistant ménage-er. Manager. Why do I keep doing that? [Lily arrives] Lily?
Lily: You gave me chlamydia, you jerk! [throws a drink at Barney]
Barney: So, where was I? Ah yes. Assistant ménage-er. I did it again. I can't believe it!
[Lily returns wearing a hat]
Lily: You gave my twin sister chlamydia, you slime! [throws another drink]
Barney: Wait, wait, I know magic. Well played, Eriksen. Well played.

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Quote from Barney

Barney: Marshall, being a single guy in New York city is like... Pfff... What's something everybody likes?
Marshall: Candy.
Barney: Yeah! It's like being in a candy store. You just walk right in and grab yourself some Whoppers. Yeah. Is Whoppers the best ones?
Ted: Mounds.
Barney: Milk Duds.
Ted: Gobstoppers.
Barney: Um...
Future Ted: [v.o.] This went on for another hour. I'll just skip to the end.
Ted: Dubble Bubbles.
Barney: Nice!

Quote from Barney

Woman: Hi.
Marshall: Hi. Look how sweaty my hands are! It's weird, right? Uh, sweat. Like this, smelly water coming out of your skin. It was nice meeting you.
Barney: I-I-I hate to interrupt but, uh... Do you like magic?
Woman: Umm... I guess.
[Barney makes a small explosion. When the smoke clears, his hand has "Um... I guess" written on it]
Woman: Oh my God!
[Barney does it again and "Oh my God" is written on his other hand]
Barney: Anyway, Marshall here is awesome. Salad in a bag? His idea!

Quote from Barney

Barney: Dude, you were awesome last night. You were charming, you were funny. You were totally working that girl.
Marshall: You went home with her!
Barney: Yes, I did. But she told me that if it wasn't for me, you would've had a shot with her. So in hypothetical terms, you scored last night! All right! Hypothetical high five! ... Nice!

Quote from Barney

Marshall: Barney, no, I'm not going out with you ever again.
Barney: Come on! I'll teach you all my strategies!
Marshall: Oh, really?
Barney: My favorite, number seven: create a mystery about yourself. That way, they become so intrigued that they have to hang out with you all night.
Marshall: Oh, come on. Does that really work?
Barney: Maybe it does and maybe it doesn't.
Marshall: Damn it, that's intriguing! OK, I'm in.

Quote from Robin

Robin: How do you think he'll feel when he hears Lily's moved on?
Ted: She's moved on?
Robin: Well, it happens. I've fallen out of love faster than that before. Sometimes, boom, with no warning whatsoever. One day we're in love, the next day, he's dead to me. But we're great! Honey?

Quote from Barney

Marshall: Um, Amy, this is my friend Barney. Barney, this is Amy.
Amy: Hey, Barney. Nice to meet you.
Barney: Hi. Amy, do you like... magic?
[cut to Marshall and Barney in the apartment the next morning:]
Marshall: I hate you.
Barney: I am so sorry. It's a sickness. I'm the real victim here.
Marshall: Twice! Twice in a row you took my candy! That was my candy!
Barney: I know but tonight...
Marshall: No, forget it. You're such a jackass!
[Barney performs his magic trick and reveals "You're such a jerk!" on his hand"]
Barney: I though you were gonna call me a jerk.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Marshall Eriksen, suit up!
Marshall: No way.
Barney: Yeah you're good in that. Let's go.

Quote from Barney

Barney: You must be majoring in chemistry 'cause what I'm picking up between us is, uh... [The woman gets up and leaves] College lesbian phase.

Quote from Barney

Barney: You can't give up now. What if I told you that you could relive that night with the exact same conversations, the exact same jokes, only this time you get her and I don't.
Marshall: That's not possible.
Barney: Oh, but it is. She has... [getting more excited] Wait for it. Here it comes. Almost there...an identical twin. Yes!
Marshall: A twin isn't the same person.
Barney: Of course, it is. What do you think "identical" means? "Ident," same. "-ical," person. Same person.

Quote from Barney

Barney: How are you doing?
Marshall: Great. Amazing. This is so much fun. Me and the girl are really clicking.
Barney: You are. You definitely are. Listen, you're gonna have to leave now. I just talked with the twins and, get this, I'm going home with both of them! Yeah. That's happening.
Marshall: It is impossible that you're doing this to me again.
Barney: But they're twins.
Marshall: You said to me that being single would be like being in a candy store.
Barney: Well, it's not like a candy store. It's a lawless, post-apocalyptic wasteland. I may be your best friend...
Marshall: Actually, Ted's my best friend.
Barney: ...but in this world it's every hombre for himself. That's what being single is. And after nine years of captivity, that is the single greatest lesson I can teach you about surviving in the wild. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have two unique breasts and two duplicates waiting for me.


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