Marshall: And the pizza there. Worst pizza ever! I'm so glad to be back in New York.
Marshall: Yeah.
Lily: Listen, if there is anything I can do to even begin to make things up to you.
Marshall: Actually, there's maybe something you can do for me. But you can never ever ask me why.
[cut to MacLaren's, where Barney is still with the twins:]
Barney: So then, I was promoted to assistant ménage-er. Manager. Why do I keep doing that? [Lily arrives] Lily?
Lily: You gave me chlamydia, you jerk! [throws a drink at Barney]
Barney: So, where was I? Ah yes. Assistant ménage-er. I did it again. I can't believe it!
[Lily returns wearing a hat]
Lily: You gave my twin sister chlamydia, you slime! [throws another drink]
Barney: Wait, wait, I know magic. Well played, Eriksen. Well played.

Barney: Marshall, being a single guy in New York city is like... Pfff... What's something everybody likes?
Marshall: Candy.
Barney: Yeah! It's like being in a candy store. You just walk right in and grab yourself some Whoppers. Yeah. Is Whoppers the best ones?
Ted: Mounds.
Barney: Milk Duds.
Ted: Gobstoppers.
Barney: Um...
Future Ted: [v.o.] This went on for another hour. I'll just skip to the end.
Ted: Dubble Bubbles.
Barney: Nice!

Woman: Hi.
Marshall: Hi. Look how sweaty my hands are! It's weird, right? Uh, sweat. Like this, smelly water coming out of your skin. It was nice meeting you.
Barney: I-I-I hate to interrupt but, uh... Do you like magic?
Woman: Umm... I guess.
[Barney makes a small explosion. When the smoke clears, his hand has "Um... I guess" written on it]
Woman: Oh my God!
[Barney does it again and "Oh my God" is written on his other hand]
Barney: Anyway, Marshall here is awesome. Salad in a bag? His idea!

Barney: Dude, you were awesome last night. You were charming, you were funny. You were totally working that girl.
Marshall: You went home with her!
Barney: Yes, I did. But she told me that if it wasn't for me, you would've had a shot with her. So in hypothetical terms, you scored last night! All right! Hypothetical high five! ... Nice!

Marshall: Barney, no, I'm not going out with you ever again.
Barney: Come on! I'll teach you all my strategies!
Marshall: Oh, really?
Barney: My favorite, number seven: create a mystery about yourself. That way, they become so intrigued that they have to hang out with you all night.
Marshall: Oh, come on. Does that really work?
Barney: Maybe it does and maybe it doesn't.
Marshall: Damn it, that's intriguing! OK, I'm in.

Robin: How do you think he'll feel when he hears Lily's moved on?
Ted: She's moved on?
Robin: Well, it happens. I've fallen out of love faster than that before. Sometimes, boom, with no warning whatsoever. One day we're in love, the next day, he's dead to me. But we're great! Honey?

Marshall: Um, Amy, this is my friend Barney. Barney, this is Amy.
Amy: Hey, Barney. Nice to meet you.
Barney: Hi. Amy, do you like... magic?
[cut to Marshall and Barney in the apartment the next morning:]
Marshall: I hate you.
Barney: I am so sorry. It's a sickness. I'm the real victim here.
Marshall: Twice! Twice in a row you took my candy! That was my candy!
Barney: I know but tonight...
Marshall: No, forget it. You're such a jackass!
[Barney performs his magic trick and reveals "You're such a jerk!" on his hand"]
Barney: I though you were gonna call me a jerk.

Barney: Marshall Eriksen, suit up!
Marshall: No way.
Barney: Yeah you're good in that. Let's go.

Barney: You must be majoring in chemistry 'cause what I'm picking up between us is, uh... [The woman gets up and leaves] College lesbian phase.

Barney: You can't give up now. What if I told you that you could relive that night with the exact same conversations, the exact same jokes, only this time you get her and I don't.
Marshall: That's not possible.
Barney: Oh, but it is. She has... [getting more excited] Wait for it. Here it comes. Almost there...an identical twin. Yes!
Marshall: A twin isn't the same person.
Barney: Of course, it is. What do you think "identical" means? "Ident," same. "-ical," person. Same person.