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29Quotes from ‘Nothing Good Happens After 2 AM’

How I Met Your Mother: Nothing Good Happens After 2 AM

118. Nothing Good Happens After 2 AM

Aired April 10, 2006

When a lonely Robin invites Ted to her apartment late at night, Ted isn't sure whether to go or follow his mother's advice that nothing good happens after 2 a.m.

Quote from Future Ted

Robin: Okay. Bye. [hangs up] I thought it was mine, so I answered it.
Ted: Was it...?
Robin: It was your girlfriend. You might want to call her back. [tosses Ted his phone; goes to the bedroom]
Future Ted: [v.o.] I called Victoria from the cab and we broke up. Yes... And there you have it, kids. The stupidest thing I've ever done. In one night, I managed to hurt two people I cared about. And none of it would've happened if I just listened to my mom. So I guess if there's a lesson to be learned here, it's this: when it's 2:00 a.m., just go to sleep.

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Quote from Barney

Lily: Nothing good ever happens after 2:00 a.m.
Barney: You know, I have found, in my travels, that all the best things in life happen after 2:00 a.m. When I look back at the best stories of my life: the Liberty Bell incident, the little scrape I got in at the Russian Embassy, the almost four-way.
Marshall: You never had a four-way.
Barney: I said "almost." All those things happened after 2:00 a.m. because after 2:00 a.m. is when things get - audience, say it with me - legendary.

Quote from Robin

Robin: And so the life of a television reporter is very rewarding, and I strongly urge you to consider it as a career. Thank you. Yeah?
Girl: Do you have a fiancé?
Lily: Marshall was here yesterday. They just learned the word "fiancé."
Robin: Oh, no, I don't have a fiancé.
Girl: Then who do you live with?
Robin: Well, actually, I've got five dogs.
Girl: Don't you get lonely?
Robin: No, I've got five dogs.
Girl: My grandma has five cats and she gets lonely.
Robin: Well, yeah, that's cats. I'm not some pathetic cat lady. Not that your grandmother is a...
Robin: Does anyone else have a...? Yes?
Boy: Are you a lesbian?
Robin: No, are you?

Quote from Marshall

Ted: [answers phone] Hello.
Marshall: Ted, I just saw the news and a truck carrying sulphuric acid overturned right in front of Robin's house. And it's melting through the sidewalk. You can see straight down into hell. It's bad. You should go home, dude.
Ted: Marshall, it's fine. Nothing's going to happen.
Marshall: Ted, what does your mom always say?
Ted: Nothing good ever...
Marshall: Nothing good ever happens after 2:00 a.m. Go home! It's too late for juice.

Quote from Future Ted

Lily: No, he's not going up there. He has more sense than that.
Future Ted: [v.o.] I did have more sense than that.
Ted: Keep the change.
Cab driver: Thanks.
Future Ted: But after 2:00 a.m, my good sense was sound asleep.

Quote from Robin

Robin: Oh, Ted, I'm so sorry. That's just terrible. I feel awful.
Ted: You're smiling.
Robin: Am I? No I'm not. I'm a news anchor. Smiling's a part of the job. Thousands died in a tragic avalanche today. See? You're smiling, too.
Ted: Yeah. I have no idea what that's all about.

Quote from Barney

Barney: What's that? Interesting theory, Barney, but I'll need some proof? Okay. Korean Elvis. How would you like to have a drink with me and my friends?
Korean Elvis: Rock 'n roll.
Barney: And it begins.

Quote from Lily

Ted: [on the phone with Marshall] What do you expect from me? It's Robin. Victoria's great, but, it's Robin. I've made up my mind. I'm going to end it with Victoria.
Lily: Gonna?
Ted: Yes, first thing tomorrow.
Lily: Okay, but, but, as of right now at- at 2:45 a.m. you still have a girlfriend. Ted, I love you. I love Robin. But if you do this right now, your entire future with her will be built on a crime. Just go home, Ted. Don't do this the wrong way.
Ted: I hate how you're always right.
Lily: It's my best and most annoying trait.

Quote from Barney

Future Ted: [v.o.] And so, Barney was right-- the night was legendary. It would come to be known as The Time Lily Kicked Korean Elvis in the Nards.
Barney: Hey, you guys remember the time that Lily kicked Korean Elvis in the Nards?

Quote from Ted

[Ted imagining Victoria in Robin's bathroom]
Ted: You're right. I owe you a real breakup call. I'll call you tomorrow.
Victoria: Good. So you're gonna go home?
Ted: Why should I have to go home? You know, there's every chance Robin's the woman I'm going to marry.
Victoria: Ted.
Ted: It could happen. And so really, what's it gonna matter in 50 years if I jump the gun by one night? Look, I-I know this is a moral gray area, but... It's Robin. And I'm exhausted. I am. I'm exhausted from pretending I'm not in love with her. I think that makes this okay.
Victoria: Oh, please. You just want to get laid.
Ted: Yes, I do. You got me. That is exactly what I want right now. And so what? I want this. She wants this. It's happening, and if you have a problem with it, don't be in Germany. It's been nice pretending to talk to you. Thanks for not calling me and good night.
Victoria: That's not your phone.
Ted: This isn't my phone.


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