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30Quotes from ‘Bedtime Stories’

How I Met Your Mother: Bedtime Stories

911. Bedtime Stories

Aired November 25, 2013

As their cross-country journey comes to an end with a bus ride to Farhampton, Marshall tries to get Marvin to sleep by telling three rhyming tales about his friends.

Quote from Future Ted

Marshall: Okay, I need a brand-new tale to silence Marvin's chatter.
Gus: I don't know, that last one had some sketchy subject matter. Forgive me, but before you got here, did you smoke a joint? You don't tell kids a tale that crass!
Future Ted: [v.o.] I guess he had a point.

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Quote from Marshall

Gus: Oh, look a fireworks display. Some rockets red glare action.
Man: Thank God. Thought my glaucoma drops were causing a reaction.
Marshall: Marvin, I'm so sorry this whole journey's been a bummer. Soon you'll be right back in Mommy's arms, as warm as summer. But sadly while your troubles stop once we get to the inn the moment we arrive is when my troubles will begin. Sometimes daddies screw up, sometimes mommies get upset. I really hope this weekend is a memory you'll forget. So look up at those fireworks, enjoy the falling embers...
Future Ted: [v.o.] And that, kids, is the very first thing your cousin Marvin remembers.

Quote from Marshall

Future Ted: [v.o.] Marshall and Marvin were taking the bus on their way to Long Island to meet up with us.
Marshall: There, there, little Marvin. Let no more tears fall. We're gonna see Mommy in no time at all. Hello there. I'm sorry for all of the noise. It's been a long day for the Eriksen boys.
Gus: Uh, what's with the rhyming?
Marshall: I'm glad that you ask. To get my son sleeping is no easy task.
[flashback:]
Marshall: [v.o.] A few weeks ago, the job fell to my wife. And as the poor baby cried out for dear life, she read every book, but all were no use until she arrived at a mother named Goose.
Lily: Why, Marvin...
Marshall: [v.o.] She noted.
Lily: ..these rhymes make you tired!
[present:]
Marshall: And ever since then, all young Marvin's required is one book of rhymes, and to dream land he goes. Now, what shall we read? Oh, crap, I left his book in the car!
Marvin: [cries]
Gus: That blows.
[A lullaby version of the How I Met Your Mother theme song plays]

Quote from Ted

[title: Mosby at the Bat]
Marshall: [v.o.] The outlook wasn't brilliant for poor Ted's romantic life. He was deep into his thirties, and yet, still he had no wife. But then, one day whilst grading papers, life sent him a whammy. A physics prof named Lisa who'd just moved here from Miami.
Lisa: Professor?
Marshall: [v.o.] She asked timidly. He answered:
Ted: Call me Ted.
Lisa: Oh. I don't want to bother you.
Ted: Please, have a seat.
Marshall: [v.o.] He said.
Lisa: I'm fairly new to teaching, and I'm looking for advice. Every night I practice giving lectures, sometimes twice. But when I teach magnetic force, I just see eyeballs glazing. I asked around, and people say your lectures are amazing. Which is really saying something, because, architecture? Yawn.
Marshall: [v.o.] And Ted thought...
Ted: [inner monologue] Psh, yeah, 'cause physics is so interesting. [out loud] Go on.
Lisa: It's just that you're so skilled, and I'm a relative beginner. If it isn't too much trouble, can I take you out to dinner? I'd love to get some pointers, and I shouldn't keep you late. What do you say?
Ted: What do I say?

Quote from Barney

[title: Mosby at the Bat]
Barney: Hold it. Let's not all go crazy like some wild berzerkers. What if this is just a business meal between co-workers?
Marshall: [v.o.] Ted thought back on past failed dates.
Ted: Oh, God, that could be true. How many times have I come home to find my balls are blue?
Barney: It all depends where Ted and his new fetching young Floridian are standing in relation to that puzzling meridian called "The International Date Line." That's right, new theory. "What's that," you ask?
Ted: Nobody did.
Barney: I'll now address your query! The date line is the border betwixt happiness and sorrow. On this side, you go home tonight. On this side, home tomorrow.

Quote from Marshall

[title: Mosby at the Bat]
Marshall: [v.o.] And then, as Barney made some gestures that were rather rude, Ted left to go meet Lisa, in a rather puzzled mood. Was this a date? He simply couldn't tell how he was faring. Then Lisa showed up. Ted rejoiced to see what she was wearing. For girls at business dinners don't have necklines that revealing! But then a friendly handshake gave poor Ted a sinking feeling. And so, the night wore on. And back and forth, the globe rotated. But still, Ted's curiosity was never fully sated. How long could this continue? He was truly fortune's pawn. Then Lisa saw the TV.
Lisa: Hey, the Yankees game is on!
Ted: Of baseball...
Marshall: [v.o.] Ted observed...
Ted: ...you seem to have some firsthand knowledge.
Marshall: [v.o.] To which the lady shrugged and said...
Lisa: I played softball in college.
[present:]
Marshall: Now the age-old softball stereotype's just that, and nothing more.

Quote from Ted

[title: Mosby at the Bat]
Marshall: [v.o.] Ted's mind began to race. The waiter came to take their order. As Lisa said...
Lisa: I might like the spaghetti marinara.
Marshall: [v.o.] Poor Ted just wondered silently...
Ted: [inner monologue] Mariano Rivera?
Marshall: [v.o.] And as she said...
Lisa: I read this place has great chicken Milano.
Marshall: [v.o.] All Ted could bring himself to think was:
Ted: [inner monologue] Alfonso Soriano?
Lisa: I want something hearty. How about blackened miso cod?
Ted: [inner monologue] Is it Joe Girardi? Holy crap, is it A-Rod?! Okay, Ted, calm down. You've got to get yourself together. Just smile, be charming, ooze charisma, talk about the weather. For this might be a date, which means there might be hanky-panky. So, dude, be cool, relax, don't even... [out loud] Just tell me which Yankee!
Lisa: I'd rather not discuss this here. But then again, I'd hate to let a silly secret ruin such a lovely date. If there's an elephant in the room, why don't we just remove it? I dated Derek Jeter. Here's a picture that'll prove it.
Marshall: [v.o.] As Ted looked at that cell phone pic, there were two things he reckoned. This definitely was a date, but there wouldn't be a second.

Quote from Marshall

[title: Robin Takes the Cake]
Marshall: [v.o.] Once in an East Side bakery, your debonair Aunt Robin was making other customers think, "Geez, who let this slob in?" She didn't care about their stares, or who was looking on. She'd just broke up with...
Marshall: Kevin. No, Gael. Or Scooby? Don?
Marshall: [v.o.] Now, sometimes, when it rains it pours, and sometimes, it starts snowing, for as cream filling hit her shirt...
Simon: Hey, Robin, how's it going?
Marshall: [v.o.] 'Twas Simon, her ex-boyfriend from her younger days in Canada, but now, he looked quite different...
Marshall: Um... Rhyme. Uh... thinking. Uh... I've just been handed a news flash.
Gus: The word "Canada" is unrhymeable. It's easier to - I don't know - get drunk and try to climb a bull. But Canada, damn it, ask any man on the planet and watch their stammerin' stamina as they clamor and cram it into the middle of a sentence for a shot at repentance, pass the problem on to all their non-rhyming descendants. I've never met anyone who could clean up after Canada. Except my Uncle Tony from the Bronx. He's a janitor.
Marshall: Show-off.

Quote from Robin

[title: Robin Takes the Cake]
Robin: Simon. Nice to see you. So, what brings you to New York?
Simon: I live here now.
Robin: What? Really?
Simon: Yeah.
Robin: That's great.
Woman: Can I get a fork?
Marshall: [v.o.] He'd always been a deadbeat and your classic hoser phony, but seeing Simon all cleaned up hit Robin like a Zamboni. And as she looked him up and down, young Robin felt a tingle. Had Simon blossomed finally? And if so, was he single?
Robin: So great.
Marshall: [v.o.] She purred, whilst batting her eyelashes like a flooze.
Simon: Yup, I'm engaged to Louise Marsh, and our pad's got a Jacuzz!
Marshall: [v.o.] The bakery spinned, the floor dropped out. The air was thick as syrup. Poor Robin swooned, she couldn't breathe, her eyes began to tear up. And as she tried to stammer some excuse to get away, Simon said:
Simon: Our wedding cake is pretty bitchin', eh?
Marshall: [v.o.] And so was born the worst idea poor Robin's ever had. And on Ted's door there came a rapping.
Robin: I did something bad.

Quote from Robin

[title: Robin Takes the Cake]
Marshall: [v.o.] As Robin told her tale, Ted knew she'd made a massive boo-boo. For stealing someone's wedding cake is terribly bad juju.
Ted: Robin, I'm beside myself to see what you've become! You must return this cake at once!
Robin: I can't!
Ted: Why not?
Robin: 'Cause... [takes bite] Yum.
Marshall: [v.o.] Ted gasped, for he had never seen a brazen act so vicious. Robin felt remorse, and yet...
Robin: Oh, God, this is delicious!
Marshall: [v.o.] So one piece led to two, then three, then five, then 17. She savaged that poor cake like some rapacious wolverine. Eating, gobbling, munching, so the frenzied night wore on. And by the time your mom arrived, the cake was halfway gone.
Lily: I came as soon as I got word. So how bad is the damage?
Ted: See for yourself the product of her cake-in-gullet crammage!
Robin: Half a cake? What have I done?! The world shall not forgive it! This day will live in infamy. I never shall outlive it! For I have become the girl that eats her feelings, don't mistake it. I think I need to get out of this chair before I break it.

Quote from Lily

[title: "Barney Stinson: Player King of New York City"]
Marshall: [v.o.] Once upon a time, we all went out to get our drink on. When who should walk in but a girl with sweater tight and pink on. She ordered up a beer. I think you see where this is going. As Barney put it, oh so eloquently:
Barney: Boy-oy-oy-oing.
Marshall: [v.o.] He rose to go approach this girl commanding such intrigue when Mommy interrupted:
Lily: Dude, she's way out of your league. She's not in Daisy Dukes, nor squeezed into a Hooters tee. And I don't see a Curves membership dangling from her key. She has no glaring spray tan, no unicorn tattoos. She's sipping Chardonnay, not pounding cherry-flavored booze. Her makeup isn't running, she's not playing with her hair. There's very little chance she'll let you put it anywhere.
Barney: Your challenge is accepted, Lil. There is no girl too pretty, for I am Barney Stinson, Player King of New York City.

Quote from Barney

[title: "Barney Stinson: Player King of New York City"]
Lily: Is any of this true?
Barney: Of course. [v.o.] Now, hang on to your "chayers." For that day I was called before... the High Council of Players.
Staten Island Lou: Gentlemen, for your attendance here, our deepest thanks. I'm sad to say, this council has a poacher in its ranks. For Barney here picked up a girl outside his territory. The East Side is Tuxedo Charlie's turf. He's mad.
Tuxedo Charlie: True story. The Agreement of 2004 quite clearly did define Fifth Avenue to be our hunting grounds' dividing line. Your West Side college girls are not the slip I park my boat in. So you should know my East Side debutantes are quite verboten.

Quote from Barney

[title: "Barney Stinson: Player King of New York City"]
Barney: Members of the council... Bros... nobody wants a war. Of course I've not forgotten the agreement of '04. What can I say? A bonehead move. Defend it? I'm not able. But, bros, have I not been a bro to each bro at this table? My friend from Brooklyn, Pickle Jar Bob, will give some validation. Remember that young tourist who was looking for Penn Station? She'd just come in from Boston, had a wicked good-in-bed look. I gave her bad directions and she ended up in Red Hook.
Bronx Donnie: Shut up, Barney.
Barney: Whoa, Bronx Donnie, let's not get excited.
Bronx Donnie: Tuxedo Charlie's not the only one here who's been slighted. You told her you were Jeter in your quest to lie upon her. Impersonating Yankees is my thing. Have you no honor?
Captain Bill: Gentlemen, please, let's not blow this détente to smithereens.
Staten Island Lou: Council recognizes Captain Bill, our bro from Queens.

Quote from Barney

[title: "Barney Stinson: Player King of New York City"]
Captain Bill: Thank you. You all know me, and you all respect my game. I dress up like a pilot and meet girls in baggage claim. And on my long-ass subway ride from 61st and Woodside, I came up with a plan to keep you each other's good side. Barney, you have wronged these two. So, for the game they're losing, you now must grant them each a West Side hottie of their choosing.
Barney: You're kidding. That's the settlement? Come on, that's rather silly.
Staten Island Lou: Gentlemen, what say you?
Tuxedo Charlie: I want Robin.
Bronx Donnie: I want Lily.

Quote from Barney

[title: "Barney Stinson: Player King of New York City"]
Lily: Please. Bronx Donnie? No chance he could get me in the sack. Tell that Mafioso I know something he can whack.
Barney: Ladies, don't you worry, your fair legs can all stay closed. 'Cause luckily they took the counteroffer I proposed.
[at the Council of Players:]
Barney: Well, gentlemen, it seems there's nothing I can say to sway you. Charlie, Donnie, say no more, I gladly will repay you. Carlotta, some champagne. Let's toast before we all adjourn. To boobies. Oh, and B-T-dub, y'all just drank poison. Ha-burn. [laughs maniacally]
[at MacLaren's:]
Barney: And thus, my friends, I have become, through methods somewhat gory the Player King of New York City. Boom. The end. True story.

Quote from Marshall

Bus Driver: Gentlemen and ladies, it'll be an hour or so, before the truck gets here to give our broken bus a tow. So in the meantime I suggest we all get nice and cozy. We're gonna be here for a while. Uh, ring-around-the-rosy?
All: Yeah!
Marshall: How far do you suppose it is to the Farhampton Inn?
Gus: I'd say about five miles away. Oh, no. What's with the grin?
Future Ted: [v.o.] Then Marshall looked up heavenward, and swore by night's first star five simple words he'd soon regret...
Marshall: I can walk that far.


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