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31Quotes from ‘The End of the Aisle’

How I Met Your Mother: The End of the Aisle

922. The End of the Aisle

Aired March 24, 2014

With only a half-hour to go before their wedding, Barney and Robin both panic about their upcoming nuptials. Meanwhile, Marshall and Lily update their own wedding vows.

Quote from Future Ted

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, I won't lie, that was a long weekend. More ups and downs than I can count. It was a twisting, turning road that led to the end of the aisle, and not everything along the way was perfect. To be honest, not everything to follow would be perfect either. But what is? Here's the secret, kids: none of us can vow to be perfect. In the end, all we can do is promise to love each other with everything we've got. Because love's the best thing we do. And on that lovely spring evening, that's exactly what Barney and Robin vowed to each other. And it was legendary.

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Quote from Robin

Patrice: You've never looked more beautiful, Robin.
Robin: [quietly] Nobody asked you, Patrice.

Quote from Barney

Barney: I know it's a lot, but I-I don't want to screw up this wedding thing.
Lily: "I vow to love you forever unconditionally, unless you pudge out, in which case I'm a Barney-shaped hole in the wall."
Marshall: "I vow to start watching hockey with you..."
Lily: Oh, that one's sweet. I know how much you hate hockey.
Marshall: "...once a month""
Lily: But it's still a nice gesture.
Marshall: "No. Once a year. No. Hockey's dumb. Not watching it, and neither are you, woman. Now make me French toast." I'll put this in the maybe pile.

Quote from Ted

Robin: Tell me the truth.
Ted: Okay, I-I tracked it down, and I gave it to Barney to give to you. Honestly, it was no big deal.
Robin: How did you find it?
Ted: Psh. How does anybody find anything? You hear it might be in your race car pencil box. It's not there. So you swing by your ex-fiancée's storage locker on the opposite coast. It's not there. You learn Victoria has it in Germany, but Jeanette intercepts it, throws it in Central Park Lake. It's a nice day for a swim, so what the heck? You dive in, scoop it up, make it home in time for Jeopardy! Ease to the pease. Happy wedding.

Quote from Marshall

Lily: Wait, what are we doing here?
Marshall: Lily, our-our wedding vows, maybe they were just too perfect for real life. Real life is messier than that, and... we're different people than we were in 2007. But that's okay. Maybe we just need some updated vows. So I thought maybe before this place gets too busy, we could borrow this altar for a minute. Lily Aldrin, I vow to stop shouting stuff at you when you're dumping out. You're the love of my life, and you deserve to make a deuce in peace. I vow to stop pointing out every dog erection we see when we walk through the park, even though they are incredibly weird looking.
Lily: Oh, just don't point and scream, "Maybe it's Maybelline." Marshall Eriksen, I vow to always tell you when you have green stuff in your teeth. You have green stuff in your teeth.
Marshall: Oh. I vow to always sit next to you and hug you, even if you're covered in vomit, whether it's yours or Marvin's or, in the case of what came to be known as Spew Year's Eve 1998, my own. Sorry.
Lily: I vow to stop getting so angry...
Marshall: Ooh, I just thought of another one.
Lily: ...when you interrupt me.
Marshall: Mine was to interrupt you less, so that's good. I vow to finally stop petitioning Paul McCartney to let Weird Al record "Chicken Pot Pie" to the tune of "Live and Let Die." It's over. I'll let it go.

Quote from Barney

Barney: By the way, in the interest of honesty, we really do have a ring bear.
Robin: What? [a small bear walks down the aisle] Oh. I love the ring bear.
Barney: Then you are gonna love the flower gorilla.
Robin: What?
Barney: Kidding. I'm kidding. [mouths] "No gorilla."

Quote from Barney

Ted: Uh, listen, I have something for you, but before I give it to you, I just want to make sure you're okay.
Barney: I was freaking out a little earlier, but Lily and Marshall calmed me down. I'm okay.
Ted: Good, good. So, Robin's a little nervous.
Barney: Nervous? Why is she nervous? I'm not nervous! Who's nervous?! No one needs to be nervous! Cornflower blue, Ted. Cornflower blue!

Quote from Ted

Robin: Where did you find the locket?
Ted: Me? Why-why are you asking me? Barney found it. Ask him. What, you lost a locket?
Robin: Barney wouldn't tell me how he found it, which made me realize it had to be you.
Ted: [laughs] Okay. I'll embarrass him. Your fiancé got a metal detector and scoured a 10,000-square-foot grid around that carousel. Guess where he found it. The nest of a mama pigeon. [laughs] Barney had to wrestle it away from four baby pigeons. But here's where the story gets bittersweet.
Robin: I lied. Barney said it was in Marshall and Lily's basement. But do you still want to finish your little pigeon story?
Ted: The mama pigeon gets killed by a cab. Barney still goes back to the park every day to feed the babies. The end.

Quote from Ted

Robin: Last year, when you helped Victoria escape this church, how hard was it to climb down that drainpipe?
Ted: Extremely hard.
Robin: Okay, so that means super easy. Thanks.
Ted: Wait, wait. Stop, stop. What the hell are you doing?
Robin: I just... I can't go through with this!
Ted: No, no. Sorry. I refuse to be a part of a third runaway bride situation. It's like the dude in that documentary who kept having women show up dead at the bottom of his staircase. Sure, maybe they all tripped, but it's like, do you want to hang out with that guy?

Quote from Barney

Lily: Wait. Now I'm confused. Are you dying?
Barney: I'm writing my vows to Robin, but I want them to be profound and inspiring, as if they were written by the bard himself... Lionel Richie.

Quote from Barney

Marshall: You're seriously questioning our wedding vows? Us? Uh, we're adorable.
Lily: We're Marshmallow and Lilypad, bitch.
Barney: Okay, I'll give you this. Your little pre-wedding wedding out by the tree, you said some very sweet stuff. Hell, Ted even cried. [scoffs] Ted. But later, at the actual wedding...
[flashback:]
Marshall: Lily Aldrin, I vow to be there for you in sickness and in health.
[present:]
Barney: Hate to tell you, Lilypad, but Marshall has since confessed to me that en route to your honeymoon...
[flashback to Lily throwing up on the airplane as Marshall sleeps in the seat next to her:]
Lily: [retching] Oh. Oh, God.
Marshall: [snoring]
[present:]
Marshall & Lily: You son of a bitch.
Barney: Do you deny it?
Marshall: Lily, you know I'm not a vomit guy, and I just thought I should give you your space. Like a dying cat.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: I'm so sorry I let you down.
Barney: Hang on there, Marshmallow. Remember when the blushing bride said...
[flashback:]
Lily: I vow to honor and respect you.
[present:]
Barney: Maybe she was blushing because she was lying her ass off. Not two months later...
[flashback to drunk Ted and Barney drawing on Marshall after he passed out:]
Lily: Hey, not cool! You will not take a picture of my husband like that! [holds up a Wonder Woman corset]
[present:]
Marshall: You took part in the bearded Wonder Woman incident of 2007? Lily, that photo got all over Friendster and Myspace and... Man, 2007 was a long time ago.

Quote from Marshall

Lily: Wait. I know one vow we kept.
[flashback:]
Marshall: I vow to make you breakfast in bed every Sunday morning.
[present:]
Barney: Really? You still do that?
Marshall: Absolutely.
[flashback to Lily in bed as baby Marvin cries:]
Marshall: [o.s.] Heads up! [throws a bagel at the headboard]
Lily: Oh! No cream cheese?
[Marshall throws a glob of cream cheese which sticks to the wall. Lily smears the bagel in it]
[present:]
Barney: Oh! You feed her like Sloth from Goonies. So the magic's still there.

Quote from Ted

Robin: I... I can't shake it. I-I can't shake this feeling that nothing about me and Barney makes any sense.
Ted: But love doesn't make sense. I mean, you can't logic your way into or out of it. Love is totally nonsensical, but we have to keep doing it or else we're lost and... and love is dead and humanity should just pack it in. Because love is the best thing we do. Look, I know that sounds cheesy, but it's-it's just true. You love Barney, and-and he loves you. And that doesn't have to make sense to make sense.

Quote from Lily

Lily: I vow to cry less during this pregnancy.
Marshall: I vow to cry less during this Vikings season.
Lily: Mm, with that secondary, I wouldn't make that promise.
Marshall: I vow to keep at least 80% of these vows.
Lily: That seems high.
Marshall: And I vow to keep updating them as we go. Because one set of vows, it can't cover a lifetime of growing and changing with you, of raising children with you, falling more and more in love with you every day, Lily Aldrin, which is what I vow to do for the rest of my life.
Lily: Crap. I already broke my crying vow.
Marshall: I'll forgive you.

Quote from Barney

Robin: Barney?
Barney: Hey, I've been looking for you. You okay?
Robin: Uh... yeah. I-I was just talking to the... the band about the... thing with the stuff. What are those?
Barney: My vows. I-I know it's bad luck to see the bride right before the ceremony, but I realized something. Marshall and Lily have broken most of their wedding vows, but they're still the best couple I know. I think their biggest problem was that Marshall didn't tell Lily the truth. So... I've decided to make only one vow to you, because it's the only one that really counts. Robin Scherbatsky, from this day forward, I am always gonna be honest with you. 'Cause I love you. I'll see you up there. Oh. Ted got that locket for you. He's the one you should thank.
Robin: Barney, wait. [they kiss]

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: What is it?
Barney: The cornflower blue tie. That's the one I should be wearing. It's right by my bed. Back in Manhattan. Stall for me. I'll be back in six hours, tops.
[Marshall slaps Barney]
Marshall: That's all of 'em!
Barney: Wow. Wait. I'm free. It's over. The slap bet is finally... over?
Marshall: Yeah, it is, buddy.
Barney: Thank you. You know, this may sound crazy, but I'm gonna miss that slap bet.
Marshall: No, you won't.
Barney: No, you're right. I won't.


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