Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, I won't lie, that was a long weekend. More ups and downs than I can count. It was a twisting, turning road that led to the end of the aisle, and not everything along the way was perfect. To be honest, not everything to follow would be perfect either. But what is? Here's the secret, kids: none of us can vow to be perfect. In the end, all we can do is promise to love each other with everything we've got. Because love's the best thing we do. And on that lovely spring evening, that's exactly what Barney and Robin vowed to each other. And it was legendary.

Patrice: You've never looked more beautiful, Robin.
Robin: [quietly] Nobody asked you, Patrice.

Barney: I know it's a lot, but I-I don't want to screw up this wedding thing.
Lily: "I vow to love you forever unconditionally, unless you pudge out, in which case I'm a Barney-shaped hole in the wall."
Marshall: "I vow to start watching hockey with you..."
Lily: Oh, that one's sweet. I know how much you hate hockey.
Marshall: "...once a month""
Lily: But it's still a nice gesture.
Marshall: "No. Once a year. No. Hockey's dumb. Not watching it, and neither are you, woman. Now make me French toast." I'll put this in the maybe pile.

Robin: Tell me the truth.
Ted: Okay, I-I tracked it down, and I gave it to Barney to give to you. Honestly, it was no big deal.
Robin: How did you find it?
Ted: Psh. How does anybody find anything? You hear it might be in your race car pencil box. It's not there. So you swing by your ex-fiancée's storage locker on the opposite coast. It's not there. You learn Victoria has it in Germany, but Jeanette intercepts it, throws it in Central Park Lake. It's a nice day for a swim, so what the heck? You dive in, scoop it up, make it home in time for Jeopardy! Ease to the pease. Happy wedding.

Lily: Wait, what are we doing here?
Marshall: Lily, our-our wedding vows, maybe they were just too perfect for real life. Real life is messier than that, and... we're different people than we were in 2007. But that's okay. Maybe we just need some updated vows. So I thought maybe before this place gets too busy, we could borrow this altar for a minute. Lily Aldrin, I vow to stop shouting stuff at you when you're dumping out. You're the love of my life, and you deserve to make a deuce in peace. I vow to stop pointing out every dog erection we see when we walk through the park, even though they are incredibly weird looking.
Lily: Oh, just don't point and scream, "Maybe it's Maybelline." Marshall Eriksen, I vow to always tell you when you have green stuff in your teeth. You have green stuff in your teeth.
Marshall: Oh. I vow to always sit next to you and hug you, even if you're covered in vomit, whether it's yours or Marvin's or, in the case of what came to be known as Spew Year's Eve 1998, my own. Sorry.
Lily: I vow to stop getting so angry...
Marshall: Ooh, I just thought of another one.
Lily: ...when you interrupt me.
Marshall: Mine was to interrupt you less, so that's good. I vow to finally stop petitioning Paul McCartney to let Weird Al record "Chicken Pot Pie" to the tune of "Live and Let Die." It's over. I'll let it go.

Barney: By the way, in the interest of honesty, we really do have a ring bear.
Robin: What? [a small bear walks down the aisle] Oh. I love the ring bear.
Barney: Then you are gonna love the flower gorilla.
Robin: What?
Barney: Kidding. I'm kidding. [mouths] "No gorilla."

Ted: Uh, listen, I have something for you, but before I give it to you, I just want to make sure you're okay.
Barney: I was freaking out a little earlier, but Lily and Marshall calmed me down. I'm okay.
Ted: Good, good. So, Robin's a little nervous.
Barney: Nervous? Why is she nervous? I'm not nervous! Who's nervous?! No one needs to be nervous! Cornflower blue, Ted. Cornflower blue!

Robin: Where did you find the locket?
Ted: Me? Why-why are you asking me? Barney found it. Ask him. What, you lost a locket?
Robin: Barney wouldn't tell me how he found it, which made me realize it had to be you.
Ted: [laughs] Okay. I'll embarrass him. Your fiancé got a metal detector and scoured a 10,000-square-foot grid around that carousel. Guess where he found it. The nest of a mama pigeon. [laughs] Barney had to wrestle it away from four baby pigeons. But here's where the story gets bittersweet.
Robin: I lied. Barney said it was in Marshall and Lily's basement. But do you still want to finish your little pigeon story?
Ted: The mama pigeon gets killed by a cab. Barney still goes back to the park every day to feed the babies. The end.

Robin: Last year, when you helped Victoria escape this church, how hard was it to climb down that drainpipe?
Ted: Extremely hard.
Robin: Okay, so that means super easy. Thanks.
Ted: Wait, wait. Stop, stop. What the hell are you doing?
Robin: I just... I can't go through with this!
Ted: No, no. Sorry. I refuse to be a part of a third runaway bride situation. It's like the dude in that documentary who kept having women show up dead at the bottom of his staircase. Sure, maybe they all tripped, but it's like, do you want to hang out with that guy?

Lily: Wait. Now I'm confused. Are you dying?
Barney: I'm writing my vows to Robin, but I want them to be profound and inspiring, as if they were written by the bard himself... Lionel Richie.