Justin: I'm sorry, how exactly are you gonna teach us how to live?
Barney: The journey to awesome starts with a single... Actually, lots of singles. We're going to a strip club. [laughs]
Justin: Strip club? We're in the middle of nowhere.
Barney: There is always a strip club.
Justin: Hey, are you a little worried this guy might kill us?
Kyle: We just put a down payment on adult bunk beds. Would getting killed really be so bad?
Justin: Good point. I got a weird feeling. I mean, there's something off about... Whoa!
Barney: Question: why does this sign say "gentlemen's club"? Answer: because The Crab Shed is a place for gentlemen. A gentleman tips generously. A gentleman uses the complimentary bathroom cologne... [whispering] ...but not too much. Oh. This is important. Your instinct may be to avoid the free buffet. Your instinct is wrong. Don't sleep on the meatballs, gentlemen. They are exquisite! Come on!

Barney: [slurring] A few final thoughts. Don't get married until you're 30. Play laser tag once a week. Give at least as many high fives as you get. Teacup pigs are lady magnets, but very hard to care for. Not worth the effort. The same goes for dogs and babies. And most importantly, whatever you do in this life, it's not legendary unless your friends are there to see it. Good luck, boys. Take care of the game for me.
Kyle: We will. Did you ever get his name?
Justin: No. What'd he give you?
Kyle: I don't know, but I think it's important. [Kyle holds a scrap of papers titled "The Playbook"]

Justin: Oh, my God, this is amazing! I ruined my pants, but it's totally worth it! Best meatballs ever! Mmm!
Kyle: I'm gonna ask a serious question right now. Can a person live in a strip club?
Barney: Yes. For the next few years, your strip club will be like home. Then, one day, you'll date a stripper and almost marry her, and after that, you'll realize you're done with strip clubs. In the sense that you'll dial it back to, like, once a week.
Justin: I feel like I can talk to women now.
Kyle: Yeah. You just stick a dollar bill in your mouth, and the conversation starts itself.
Justin: You know, I think we're ready to go back to that party and meet some ladies.
Barney: [laughs] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! [slapping them both on each word] You! Are! Not! Ready! Your training is complete when I say your training is complete! Come on, let's go.

Justin: I can't believe you're open at this hour.
Tim Gunn: I'm always open for my friends.
Kyle: What are we doing here? We should go back to the party.
Tim Gunn: In relaxed-fit domestic denim? I'm sorry, is this a costume party, and you're going as 1994? Would you be a peach and bump this, please? [Barney fist bumps him]
Justin: Who cares about any of this? They're just clothes.
Barney: Just clothes? Ted- sorry, force of habit - boys, suits are cool. Exhibit A.

Justin: I don't care how well-dressed I am. The real challenge is walking up to a girl that I've never met before and somehow talking to her with words from my mouth. I've looked at it from every possible angle. There's just no way to do it.
[Barney and Tim Gunn chuckle]
Barney: What's your name?
Justin: Justin.
[later:]
Barney: Have you met Justin?
Julie: Uh, no. Hi, I'm Julie.
Justin: So simple, so elegant.
Kyle: That's it? You just walk up to someone you don't know and introduce them to your buddy? I don't know. That sounds kind of...
Justin: Have you met Kyle?
Woman: Hi, Kyle.
Kyle: Are you Jesus?!

[flashback:]
Jeanette: Thanks for meeting me here. I'm heading over to the East Side to stuff a dead squirrel into a different ex-boyfriend's mailbox, so, you know, this made sense.
Ted: Of course. So, can I have the locket?
Jeanette: No.
Ted: What? Jeanette...
Jeanette: Ted, listen to me. You're being crazy.
Ted: I'm being crazy?!
Jeanette: Yes! How long have you been hung up on Robin? Eight years?! And you're still killing yourself to fetch dumb little trinkets for her. That's crazy! That's more than crazy. I don't think there's a word for what that is!
Ted: Actually, there is a word for that. It's "love." I'm in love with her, okay? If you're looking for the word that means caring about someone beyond all rationality and wanting them to have everything they want, no matter how much it destroys you, it's love! And when you love someone, you just, you... You don't stop, ever. Even when people roll their eyes or call you crazy. Even then. Especially then! You just- You don't give up! Because if I could give up... if I could just, you know, take the whole world's advice and-and move on and find someone else, that wouldn't be love. That would be... That would be some other disposable thing that is not worth fighting for. But I- That is not what this is. So, please, can I have the locket?
Jeanette: Cuckoo. [throws the locket in the river] I think we should get back together.

Future Ted: [v.o.] The truth is, there was a ghost in that room. You see, minutes earlier, Marshall had been in the middle of the worst fight of his marriage, when all of sudden, Lily stormed out.
Marshall: Damn it, Lily. This is so unfair.
Ghost Lily: I know! Storming out in the middle of an argument? So childish!
Marshall: Thank you, Ghost Lily. I'm glad at least you see it that way.
Ghost Lily: Although, let's be honest, I did you a favor. You were gonna lose.
Marshall: I... what? I was gonna lose? Uh, check your spectral scorecard, Ghost Lily. I had you on the ropes. That's why you ran out.
Ghost Lily: I ran out because you brought up San Francisco.
Marshall: It was a valid point.
Ghost Lily: It's ancient history. If you're mad at anyone, you're mad at 2006 Lily.
Marshall: Well, I can't very well have an argument with 2006...
2006 Lily: [as Borat:] Is nice! [normal voice:] Do people still say that?

Justin: Well, that party was a dud.
Kyle: I think I struck out with, like, 20 girls.
Justin: And... my condom expired.
Kyle: We are losers! We've tried everything. We're covered in Drakkar, I've got fresh new white socks, and I thought our mime work in there was excellent! What? Um, are we in a zombie movie right now?
Barney: [hiccups, scoffs, sniffs] Boys, today is your lucky day. Because today I'm gonna teach you how to... [vomits] live. Who's got gum?

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, for a brief period when I was seven, my best friend was a balloon. It was the classic story: boy meets balloon, boy and balloon become friends, boy loses balloon when Mom sets out hot dogs in the backyard.
Young Ted: No!
Future Ted: Decades later, boy's new best friend finds out about the whole thing and never lets him live it down.
Ted: I hate you so much.
Future Ted: The whole thing taught me a lesson. If you love something, you can never let it go, not even for a second, or it's gone forever.
Young Ted: Well, at least I still got my hot dogs. No!
Future Ted: It was a lesson that took me nearly 30 years to unlearn

[flashback to a few days earlier:]
Ted: [on the phone] Because, as you may recall, I'm kind of the wedding gift master.
Stella: Okay, I'm gonna stop you. Do you not hear how weird this all sounds?
Ted: What part of this is weird?
Stella: You're going to your ex-girlfriend's wedding.
Ted: It's not weird at all.
Stella: Where you'll be the best man...
Ted: Utterly not weird.
Stella: And now, less than a week before the wedding, you're calling the woman who left you at the altar and moved three time zones away on the razor-thin chance that I somehow ended up with her grandmother's locket?
Ted: You know what's weird, Stella? Not seeing Star Wars until you're 30.
Stella: You're trying to blow up the wedding.
Ted: You called C-3PO "the Tin Man."
Stella: He is made of tin!
Ted: It's Tatooine scrap metal! This is not an argument you are gonna win. Now, do you have the locket or not?
Stella: [scoffs] Look, I might have it somewhere in one of my old boxes in our storage locker, but even if I did, I cannot get out there this week. I'm totally swamped.