Barney: But you know, it's not going to be easy, this test. It's not like the Canadian citizenship test.
Robin: How do you know the Canadian test is easy?
Barney: It's Canada. Question one: Do you want to be Canadian? Question two: Really?

Robin: When I moved to the States, I swore to myself, I wasn't going to change. And yet, here I am, in the most Canadian place in the universe, Tim Horton's, around the corner from the Hockey Hall of Fame, and I don't belong. It's like I don't have a country.
Barney: Okay, that's it. [stands on a chair] Attention, Canada! I am Barney from America. And I'm here to fix your backward-ass country. Number one: get real money. Don't know what board game this came from, but it's a "joke". Number two, and this is the biggie, quit letting awesome chicks like Robin Scherbatsky get away because, guess what? You don't want her? I'm planting my flag in her - if you know what I mean, which you probably don't - and getting her the hell out of here. You may now return to being pointless. [as Barney sits down, three men stand behind him) Ah, this coffee is excellent. Oh. Hey, fellas. It's called a "tie".
[One of the men gives a signal to a young boy wearing a hockey jersey. The kid slides his hockey stick through the restaurant door handles, then makes a fist punch gesture at Barney.]

Barney: How many stars are on the flag?
Robin: 50, one for each state.
Barney: What are the first ten amendments to the Constitution called?
Robin: The Bill of Rights. Look, Barney, I know all this. I'm ready.
Barney: Ready for the test maybe, but ready to be an American? Not on your sweet life. For you to be an American, we got to get the Canadian out of you. That's why I've created these questions. Question one: Who is this?
Robin: Queen Elizabeth II.
Barney: No, the answer is Elton John. Question two: "What the hell is this?"
Robin: Oh, curling. Um, it's a sport played...
Barney: Wrong. The answer we were looking for was "I don't care, it's dumb". Let's go buy something that's bad for us and then sue the people who made it. That's American, Robin.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, as you know, Aunt Robin grew up in Canada. That meant sometimes she dressed a little differently.
[In the apartment, Robin is wearing shorts and a top as everybody else gets ready to leave in layers of winter clothing]
Robin: Okay, let's do this!
Future Ted: Sometimes she talked a little differently.
[in MacLaren's:]
Robin: Ted, this hydro bill is bigger than Louis Cyr's biceps. What, you leave the garburator on all night, eh?
Future Ted: She hung out at different bars and enjoyed leisure time a little differently.
[Robin fighting at the Hoser Hut:]
Robin: You want to go? You want to go?! Come on!

Female voice [on tape] Goodbye Sparky, by Nick Leotti. Read to you by Kenny Rogers.
Marshall: Oh!
Kenny Rogers: [on tape] Chapter one: When I first saw Sparky, he reminded me of my favorite comb. He was missing a lot of teeth, but I loved him anyway. Mother was fit to be tied every time he used her prized rhododendron to do his business.
[Marshall laughs]
Lily: That reminds me, I have to pee.

Kenny Rogers: [on tape] because Sparky loved chasing a ball, and it didn't much matter what kind. Tennis ball, baseball, Wiffle ball, golf ball, basketball, beach ball, gum ball, a grapefruit - which isn't actually a ball, but's round like a ball. A football, which isn't round, but it's still technically a ball. Indian rubber ball...
Female voice: This ends disk seven. The audio book continues on disk eight. [Ted changes disc] Disk eight.
Kenny Rogers: Lacrosse ball, volleyball...
Ted: Oh, my God, Lily, please tell me you have to go pee!
Lily: [chuckles] Yeah, I do.

Barney: Look at this money! This one has a moose, this one has a beaver, and they all have Elton John on the back.

Barney: All right, hold your horses. Now to prove that you are as American as apple pie and the childhood obesity it leads to... Who is this?
Robin: That, Barney, is the American actor, beloved by millions. The "Hey, Vern" guy from the popular series of Ernest films. And his name... Jeff Foxworthy.
Barney: Jeff Foxworthy? No, it's Jim Varney. You're kidding me. You don't know that?
Robin: Uh, that's Jeff Foxworthy, dumbass. End of story. Now shut your stupid face.
Barney: Not only are you wrong, but you are belligerently sticking to your guns and insulting me in the process. Robin Scherbatsky, you are an American.

[When Barney and Robin enter the apartment, he is on crutches with a neck brace and a black eye]
Barney: Man, those Canadian doctors banded me up, reset my jaw, put my shoulder back in its socket, and they didn't even bill me. Idiots. All right, I guess they're no idiots. The coffee was extraordinary. Huh. I guess Canada's not so bad. They play their cards right, maybe they can even become a state someday.

Robin: Make fun of the Great White North all you want. It's the best country in the world.
Barney: The...? Mmm. Social experiment. [chanting] U.S.A, U.S.A, U.S.A, U.S.A...
[The rest of the bar joins in]
Robin: Okay, okay. You know what, what does that even prove, okay? You chant anything, people will join in. [chanting] Canada, Canada, Canada, Cana... Okay, they won't chant anything.
Barney: [chanting] Shrimp fried rice...
All: [chanting] Shrimp fried rice, shrimp fried rice...
Ted: [enters, joins in] Shrimp fried rice, totally.