Previous Episode Next Episode 

41Quotes from ‘Duel Citizenship’

How I Met Your Mother: Duel Citizenship

505. Duel Citizenship

Aired October 19, 2009

When Robin is threatened with deportation, she considers becoming a U.S. citizen. Meanwhile, Ted is surprised when Marshall takes Lily along on their road trip to Chicago for terrible pizza.

Quote from Barney

Barney: But you know, it's not going to be easy, this test. It's not like the Canadian citizenship test.
Robin: How do you know the Canadian test is easy?
Barney: It's Canada. Question one: Do you want to be Canadian? Question two: Really?

Rate

Quote from Barney

Robin: When I moved to the States, I swore to myself, I wasn't going to change. And yet, here I am, in the most Canadian place in the universe, Tim Horton's, around the corner from the Hockey Hall of Fame, and I don't belong. It's like I don't have a country.
Barney: Okay, that's it. [stands on a chair] Attention, Canada! I am Barney from America. And I'm here to fix your backward-ass country. Number one: get real money. Don't know what board game this came from, but it's a "joke". Number two, and this is the biggie, quit letting awesome chicks like Robin Scherbatsky get away because, guess what? You don't want her? I'm planting my flag in her - if you know what I mean, which you probably don't - and getting her the hell out of here. You may now return to being pointless. [as Barney sits down, three men stand behind him) Ah, this coffee is excellent. Oh. Hey, fellas. It's called a "tie".
[One of the men gives a signal to a young boy wearing a hockey jersey. The kid slides his hockey stick through the restaurant door handles, then makes a fist punch gesture at Barney.]

Quote from Barney

Barney: How many stars are on the flag?
Robin: 50, one for each state.
Barney: What are the first ten amendments to the Constitution called?
Robin: The Bill of Rights. Look, Barney, I know all this. I'm ready.
Barney: Ready for the test maybe, but ready to be an American? Not on your sweet life. For you to be an American, we got to get the Canadian out of you. That's why I've created these questions. Question one: Who is this?
Robin: Queen Elizabeth II.
Barney: No, the answer is Elton John. Question two: "What the hell is this?"
Robin: Oh, curling. Um, it's a sport played...
Barney: Wrong. The answer we were looking for was "I don't care, it's dumb". Let's go buy something that's bad for us and then sue the people who made it. That's American, Robin.

Quote from Robin

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, as you know, Aunt Robin grew up in Canada. That meant sometimes she dressed a little differently.
[In the apartment, Robin is wearing shorts and a top as everybody else gets ready to leave in layers of winter clothing]
Robin: Okay, let's do this!
Future Ted: Sometimes she talked a little differently.
[in MacLaren's:]
Robin: Ted, this hydro bill is bigger than Louis Cyr's biceps. What, you leave the garburator on all night, eh?
Future Ted: She hung out at different bars and enjoyed leisure time a little differently.
[Robin fighting at the Hoser Hut:]
Robin: You want to go? You want to go?! Come on!

Quote from Lily

Female voice [on tape] Goodbye Sparky, by Nick Leotti. Read to you by Kenny Rogers.
Marshall: Oh!
Kenny Rogers: [on tape] Chapter one: When I first saw Sparky, he reminded me of my favorite comb. He was missing a lot of teeth, but I loved him anyway. Mother was fit to be tied every time he used her prized rhododendron to do his business.
[Marshall laughs]
Lily: That reminds me, I have to pee.

Quote from Lily

Kenny Rogers: [on tape] because Sparky loved chasing a ball, and it didn't much matter what kind. Tennis ball, baseball, Wiffle ball, golf ball, basketball, beach ball, gum ball, a grapefruit - which isn't actually a ball, but's round like a ball. A football, which isn't round, but it's still technically a ball. Indian rubber ball...
Female voice: This ends disk seven. The audio book continues on disk eight. [Ted changes disc] Disk eight.
Kenny Rogers: Lacrosse ball, volleyball...
Ted: Oh, my God, Lily, please tell me you have to go pee!
Lily: [chuckles] Yeah, I do.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Look at this money! This one has a moose, this one has a beaver, and they all have Elton John on the back.

Quote from Barney

Barney: All right, hold your horses. Now to prove that you are as American as apple pie and the childhood obesity it leads to... Who is this?
Robin: That, Barney, is the American actor, beloved by millions. The "Hey, Vern" guy from the popular series of Ernest films. And his name... Jeff Foxworthy.
Barney: Jeff Foxworthy? No, it's Jim Varney. You're kidding me. You don't know that?
Robin: Uh, that's Jeff Foxworthy, dumbass. End of story. Now shut your stupid face.
Barney: Not only are you wrong, but you are belligerently sticking to your guns and insulting me in the process. Robin Scherbatsky, you are an American.

Quote from Barney

[When Barney and Robin enter the apartment, he is on crutches with a neck brace and a black eye]
Barney: Man, those Canadian doctors banded me up, reset my jaw, put my shoulder back in its socket, and they didn't even bill me. Idiots. All right, I guess they're no idiots. The coffee was extraordinary. Huh. I guess Canada's not so bad. They play their cards right, maybe they can even become a state someday.

Quote from Barney

Robin: Make fun of the Great White North all you want. It's the best country in the world.
Barney: The...? Mmm. Social experiment. [chanting] U.S.A, U.S.A, U.S.A, U.S.A...
[The rest of the bar joins in]
Robin: Okay, okay. You know what, what does that even prove, okay? You chant anything, people will join in. [chanting] Canada, Canada, Canada, Cana... Okay, they won't chant anything.
Barney: [chanting] Shrimp fried rice...
All: [chanting] Shrimp fried rice, shrimp fried rice...
Ted: [enters, joins in] Shrimp fried rice, totally.

Quote from Ted

Ted: Anyway, speaking of food, Marshall, I've got some bad news. Just read online, Gazzola's is closing.
Marshall: No!
Robin: What's Gazzola's?
Ted: A filthy mecca of spectacular, if undercooked, pizza located at 316 Kinzie Street, Chicago, Illinois.
Marshall: Back in college, Ted and I used to take these crazy road trips from Connecticut all the way to Chicago just for Gazzola's pizza.
Ted: 22 hours. No map. We'd just jump in the Fiero and drive. We were like Lewis and Clark, if Lewis and Clark peed in empty soda bottles and had a bong made out of a cantaloupe.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: Man, those Gazzola's trips, that's... That's when we really became bros.
Ted: Mm. We ate nothing but jerky.
Marshall: Drank nothing but Tantrum.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Ah, Tantrum. Tantrum was a soft drink with the highest caffeine content legally available over the counter. It was eventually discontinued after an extensive study by the FDA.
Marshall: Oh, man, we went through a whole case of Tantrum one trip.
Ted: I was color blind for two weeks after that.
Marshall: I think that's the reason that I pass out when I hear church bells.

Quote from Marshall

Ted: I am ready to hit the road. I got baby wipes. I got a variety of jerky. I got six cans of Tantrum. Well, four. One burned though the can, the other one I drank already. [tears open a pillow] Tantrum! I am so psyched! Marshall and I haven't done something, just the two of us, for so long. Ever since he got married, he's turned from an "I" to a "We".
Barney: What do you mean?
Ted: Think about it.
[flashback to Ted on the phone with Marshall, who is at MacLaren's with Lily:]
Ted: Hey, haven't seen you all week. How you doing?
Marshall: We're doing great.
Ted: Do you watch the Jets game?
Marshall: We most certainly did.
Ted: How'd things go at the doctor?
Marshall: We no longer have a hemorrhoid problem.

Quote from Barney

Robin: Well, there's a citizenship test tomorrow.
Barney: A cit...
Robin: I'll think about it.
Barney: No, no, you have to do it. I'll help you study. We're gonna stay up all night long. I'm gonna drill you, and then we're gonna study. No, seriously. We're gonna do some cramming and then we're gonna study. No, seriously. We're gonna bone up on...
Robin: Okay, Barney.
Barney: Sorry. It's a rich area.

Quote from Lily

Lily: Road trip! So you guys want to talk about bitches? I'm kidding. They're called women.
Ted: All right, next stop: Chicago.
Lily: I have to pee.
Ted: Couldn't you have gone before we left?
Lily: I did. I just pee a lot. You'll see. [drinks from a giant bottle of water]

Quote from Barney

Future Ted: [v.o.] And by the end of the night, Barney had turned Robin into a real American.
Robin: I want to say Jefferson?
Barney: Correct.
Robin: Oh!
Barney: Archie Bunker's neighbor was George Jefferson.

Quote from Ted

Marshall: What are you doing? We can't just leave Lily. When she wakes up, she's going to freak!
Ted: She'll have a back rub and a crumpet. She'll be fine. Relax. Have some fun.
Marshall: I just abandoned my wife. How am I supposed to have fun?
[four minutes later:]
Marshall and Ted: [singing] And I would walk 500 miles. And I would walk 500 more...

Quote from Barney

Robin: How did you find me, anyway?
Barney: You called me, said you were never coming back. So, I jumped on a plane, flew across the Atlantic...
Robin: Canada isn't across the Atlantic.
Barney: You're talking nonsense.

Quote from Robin

[Barney and Robin in a Tim Hortons in Toronto:]
Barney: It's like an entire country without a tailor.
Robin: Yeah, give me two coffees.
Woman: $3.50, please. Hey, what did you think of the game last night?
Robin: What game?
Woman: The Leafs beat Edmonton. Beauchemin went five hole in OT.
Robin: Oh, I guess I missed it.
Woman: Oh, sorry. You're American. Here's your change.
Robin: I'm not American.
Woman: American money, didn't watch the Leafs game, no "please" or "thank you" for the coffee? You sure don't seem like a Canadian.

Quote from Ted

Kenny Rogers: [on tape] Sparky was my best friend, but after I married Helen, old Spark started to feel a little left out. For so long, it had been just me and him, but now he suddenly felt like Helen had taken his place. What Sparky didn't realize was, even though I loved Helen, I still loved him, too. I had room in my heart for both of them. But maybe I should have put aside some special ball-tossing time just for the two of us to make sure Sparky knew that he was a good boy. I wish now I had, 'cause old Sparky ran out in front of a Cadillac and got splattered like a watermelon in one of them Gallagher shows.
Marshall: I'm sorry, Ted.
Ted: I'm sorry! No, I'm sorry. I never should have been mad at you.
Marshall: No, I never should have brought Lily. She pees all the time, even at the apartment. Still bros?
Ted: Best bros. Hey, you want to crank some Van Halen just like old times?
Marshall: Hells, yeah!
Ted: Or listen to the Sparky book again?
Marshall: Listen to the Sparky book again.
Ted: Okay. Let's listen to it again.


 Episode 504 Episode 506 
  Select another episode