Ted: Leave it to me. I'll plan the whole thing.
Barney: You're gonna plan the whole thing? I bet it'll be all gooey and romantic, huh?
Ted: Gooey and romantic? Gooey and romantic? Barney. [singing] You don't have to take her to Paris or Peru
Barney: Uh, Ted, what are you doing?
Ted: [singing] You just have to make her understand
Barney: Ted, people are looking at us.
Ted: [singing] What she means to you
Barney: Oh, God, really? You're really gonna do this right now?
Ted: [singing] On your superdate Troubles of the world will simply have to wait For wonders and amazement
served up on a silver plate Hurry up now, don't be late Because hand in hand You'll find a land Where paradise awaits [talking] And then, boom! Fireworks over the Manhattan skyline, you kiss her... [singing] And that's your super date.
Barney: That sounds gooey and romantic.
Ted: Yeah.

Barney: I can't believe Robin's been so upset.
Marshall: I can't believe you threw up in your Stormtrooper helmet.
Barney: Eh. I did something worse in it after The Phantom Menace premiere.

Barney: Oh, my God. I don't believe it! Guys, this is her! She wrote the book! Huh. Her name must be Anita. Okay, my plan was to sleep with her. But this changes everything. New plan, I'm going to sleep with her.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, on a warm March evening in 2010, a New York City Police boat pulled a 34-year-old white male out of the Hudson River, your Uncle Barney.
Police Officer: All right, kid, let's hear the story, from the beginning.
Barney: Well, it all started a week ago.
[flashback to Barney at MacLaren's:]
Barney: I was making time at the local watering hole. Enter, a dame.
Anita: Nothing sexier than a man in a fine cravat.
Barney: Except for a woman who appreciates a fine cravat.
Anita: How about we just call it a tie? [both laugh]
[present:]
Barney: [laughing] You see, a cravat is a kind of tie.
Police Officer: I get it.

Lily: It has been four months since you broke up with Barney. Maybe it's time to put yourself back out there.
Marshall: Yeah, exactly. Barney's dating again, and he couldn't be happier.
[cut to Barney talking to Ted, Marshall and Lily in the apartment:]
Barney: I couldn't be more unhappy. All night long, she's hot and heavy for me. I get her back to my place,
and she just bolts? I mean, at least, when I run out on a girl, I have the common courtesy to sleep with her first. It's called manners.

Ted: Barney, when you were with this girl, did she suddenly slip the word "sex" into the conversation?
[flashback to Anita with Barney at the Marshall:]
Anita: I'm in the inter-sex-tion, and I only have a couple of sex, before the light changes. Anyway, everyone's honking at me. And it totally sex. But, I can't turn around, because a jogger slipped and fell in horse sex-crement.
Barney: Go on. Go on.
[present:]
Ted: Did she make excuses to establish physical contact with you?
[flashback:]
Anita: Is this cashmere?
Barney: Cashmere? [scoffs] This is handspun virgin Merino. The fibers in this suit are less than 12 microns thick.
Anita: Twelve microns? I love a tiny fiber.
Barney: Well, you're in luck. 'Cause mine's the tiniest. And the more you touch it, the softer it gets.
[present:]
Barney: She did that, too!
Ted: Now, here's the final test. Next time you see her, ask her out for the following night. The book says that's forbidden. So, she'll probably give you some lame excuse, like this, " Oh, I can't do anything tomorrow tonight,
've already made plans to clean my garbage disposal and treat myself to a bubble bath. But how about next week some time?"

Lily: Wait, you sicced Anita on Barney? How do you even know her?
Robin: She was on my show.
[flashback to Robin interviewing Anita:]
Robin: But, um, if you had to summarize your book, in 30 words or less.
Anita: I'll summarize it in one word, Robin. And that word is "no." By saying "no" constantly and consistently, you empower yourself while simultaneously turning any jerk into a submissive, sniveling, puddle of a man.
Robin: Hmm. And isn't that every girl's dream. [chuckles] After the break, we're gonna talk about your new book,
Of Course You Don't Have a Retirement Plan Yet. Take a Look at Yourself, You Dumb Slut. Due out in June. We'll be right back.

Anita: Come on, Barney!
Barney: I'm sorry, Anita. The answer is no.
Anita: Well, good! Because my answer is no, too! Okay, here's my final offer. [whispers in Barney's ear]
[A visibly shaken Barney gets up, walks out of MacLaren's]
Anita: Barney!
[Barney walks down the street, descends the stairs next to the Hudson River, walks up to the safety barrier and dives in]
[later:]
Barney: And that's my story.
Police Officer: Well, here's a $500 ticket for jumping in the river. I hope it was worth it.
[Fireworks explode]
Barney: I hope so, too.

[After Marshall punches the head off Barney's Stormtrooper:]
Barney: Dude, why would you do that?
Marshall: Because I'm angry at you! I'm angry at me! I'm angry at Ted! And frankly, I'm still angry at the Empire.

Barney: Anyway, next thing you know, I get her back to my place.
[flashback to Barney and Anita in his apartment:]
Anita: Barney, when I get in bed with a man, my body becomes a machine, fueled by desire and lust and a singular hunger to satisfy my lover's every carnal need.
Barney: Good thing the cleaning lady's coming tomorrow.
Anita: Well, good night.
Barney: What? Wait, what? I thought your body was gonna become a machine, fueled by desire, lust, and a singular hunger to satisfy my every carnal need?
Anita: No.