Robin: Ugh, man, I love Springsteen! He's like the American Bryan Adams.

Barney: I had to look away because if I watched what the paramedics were about to do, I would have passed out. Then they took out this electric blade thing and I kept thinking, "This isn't happening. This isn't happening. "
Lily: Oh, my God. What did they cut?
Barney: My suit. My beautiful suit.

Lily: Is that the something bad? That she invited you to a wedding?
Ted: Six months from now. As in we'll be together six months from now. Do you guys remember Barney's whole thing about making plans in a relationship?
[flashback to the guys at MacLaren's:]
Ted: Fourth row.
Barney: Ted, no. You're violating the date-time continuum. You never make plans with a girl further in the future than the amount of time you've been going out. You've been dating this girl for, what, two weeks? No, you're not taking her to a Springsteen concert in January. [rips tickets] By that time you won't even remember this Robin girl's name.

Lily: Speaking of Barney, I should give him a call.
Ted: Why? We're not friends anymore.
Lily: You'd want to know if this happened to him.
Barney: [answers phone] Go for Barney.
Lily: Hey, Barney. Listen, I have something to tell you.
Barney: Oh, boy, here we go. I've been waiting for this one. You talked to Robin. She told you what's under the hood and you want to take it for a spin yourself.
Lily: Not even if you boiled it in detergent.

Marshall: April 2008. Lily's kindergarten classroom.
[flashback:]
Lily: You're gonna go in there and beg for your old job back? That's crazy. You hated it there.
Marshall: I- I know, the job market is just really bad right now. Hey, kids, who wants Uncle Marshall to get his old job back? [Kids cheer]
Lily: They'll cheer for anything if you say it like that. Kids, a super tanker spilled five million gallons of oil off the coast of Alaska this morning! [Kids cheer]

Robin: When I was a kid, I had this dog, Sir Scratchewan. Anyway, Sir Scratchewan got really old, so my parents decided to put him down. It was the toughest day of my young life.
[flashback to a young Robin with her dog:]
Robin: Good-bye, Sir Scratchewan, I love you.
[back:]
Robin: And when they took him to the vet, he told them that earlier that very day, he had learned about an experimental procedure called a canine/testudine cerebro-xenograft. Ever heard of it?
Marshall: No.
Robin: Well, it saved Sir Scratchewan's life. He lived another seven years.
Marshall: Miracle.
Robin: Except for one... kind of big side effect from the surgery.
[flashback to Lily with a turtle:]
Robin: Sir Scratchewan! Welcome home!
[present:]
Robin: He turned into a turtle. I know. It's weird, right? Apparently, a very common complication from canine/testudine cerebro-xenografts. And he didn't seem to remember any of his old tricks.
[flashback:]
Robin: Go get it, Scratchy. Go get it! Go get it! Get it! Go get it, Scratchy. Go get it.
[present:]
Lily: How long was it before...?
Robin: Longer than I'm proud of, Lily. Longer than I'm proud of. And that's when I realized miracles ain't real.

Marshall: Miracle!
Robin: Very sweet. Very romantic. Not a miracle.
Marshall: July 1999. Kennedy Airport.
[flashback:]
Border Guard: So, did you enjoy... Amsterdam?
Marshall: No. Nothing illegal. Paintings.
Border Guard: All right, Bob Marley. Let's have a conversation.
Border Guard #2: [coughing, holding a box of cereal] Shift change. [takes over] Oh, Amsterdam. All right. Float on through, brother.
[present:]
Marshall: Miracle!

[Flashback to Marshall begging for his job back after just visiting Lily's classroom:]
Marshall: [inner monologue] Oh, my God! I have lice. Those little bastards gave me lice. God, it itches. Don't scratch it. You'll look like a fool. You'll never get your job back. Okay, you can scratch, but just make it subtle. Okay, that's not working. Oh, sweet, sharp corner of the desk, how I long to rub my infested scalp against you. [throws pen on the floor, rubs his head against the desk] I was, um... just, uh...
Mr. Hewitt: You okay, Eriksen?
Marshall: Oh! Oh, yes, I'm good. I am good. Continue. [inner monologue] Mind over matter. There are no lice in my hair... laying eggs, burrowing into my scalp, eating their way all the way down to my brain! [out loud] I have lice!
Mr. Hewitt: "Lice"?! Lice! Get out! Get out of my office! [over the intercom] We've got lice! Everybody out of the building.
[present:]
Marshall: If it weren't for the lice, I would have gotten my job back, and I would have been working there when, two weeks later, the Securities and Exchange Commission came a-knocking. God sent those lice to my head like he sent the locusts to Egypt: to liberate me from corporate bondage. Miracle.

[Barney is laying in a hospital bed with a broken arm, broken leg and broken neck:]
Ted: Dude, I... I can't believe you ran all the way up here.
Barney: Jeez. Flatter yourself much? [chuckles] What an ego on this guy. Um, I was up in this part of town because I had to attend a very important international business meeting. If you're here to come crawling back, just save it. I'm doing awesome without you. Even better now, 'cause I can play the sympathy card with the females. And B.T.W., there's one bone downstairs that ain't broken. Marshall, you know what I'm talking about. Up top! [wiggles the fingers in his broken hand] Hup!
Marshall: Are you sure?
Barney: Yeah, dude. Why do you think I had them set it this way?
Marshall: Okay. [high-fives Barney]
Barney: [groans] Ow! Worth it.

Future Ted: Kids, this is the story of the cab ride that changed my life. I know it sounds crazy, but for all I know my life would be very different if I had taken, say... that cab. Or that cab. God knows what would have happened if I had gotten into that cab. I took this cab. And it changed my whole life. But first, we need to back up a little.