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42Quotes from ‘Slap Bet’

How I Met Your Mother: Slap Bet

209. Slap Bet

Aired November 20, 2006

The gang are determined to uncover Robin's secret and find out why she doesn't want to go to a mall. Marshall and Barney make a "slap bet" on what Robin is hiding.

Quote from Robin

[Robin plays the video:]
Robin Sparkles: I know, how about I sing you a song! [singing] Let's go the mall everybody! Come on, Jessica. Come on, Tori.
Robin: I was a teenage pop star in Canada.
Robin Sparkles: Put on your jelly bracelets And your cool graffiti coat. At the mall, having fun Is what it's all about.
Lily: This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen.
Marshall: That's you?
Robin: Yes. I had one minor hit. I had to go all over Canada and sing this song in malls. For a whole year I lived off of Orange Juliuses and Wetzel's Pretzels.
Robin Sparkles: Everybody come and play. Throw every last care away. Let's go to the mall, today.
Marshall: This is the 90's. Why does it look like 1986?
Robin: The 80's didn't come to Canada till like '93.

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Quote from Robin

Robin Sparkles: [singing on video] Everybody come and play. Throw every last care away. Let's go to the mall, [laughs] today!
Barney: Did you have to laugh like that every time?
Robin: Yes.
Robin Sparkles: There's this boy I like. Met him at the food court. He's got hair like Gretzky and he does jumps on his skateboard. I hope he asks me out. Take me to my favorite spot. It'll be just him and me.
Robot: But don't forget the robot.
Marshall: The robot! Hey!
[Marshall and Robin high five]
Robin Sparkles: But, baby, I don't wanna wait.
Ted: No, she doesn't wanna wait.
Robin Sparkles: I'm gonna rock your body anyway. I'm going to rock your body 'til Canada Day. Everybody, come and play. Throw every last care away. Let's go to the mall, today! Today, today, today, today. Let's go to the mall (today). Let's go to the mall (today)...

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: You know what it might be. This is gonna sound a little crazy but what if Robin's married?
Ted: Married? What does have to do with the mall?
Marshall: Well, maybe she got married at the mall. Back home in Minnesota a ton of people would get married at the Mall of America, it's great. It's a gorgeous indoor golf course for pictures. Numerous fine dining options, and talk about a reasonable price...
Lily: We're not getting married at the mall.
Marshall: Just meet with the guy.

Quote from Marshall

Lily: What the hell's a slap bet?
Marshall: Whoever's right gets to slap the other person in the face as hard as they possibly can, but no rings.
Lily: Are you really gonna do that? That's so immature.
Marshall: You can be Slap Bet Commissioner.
Lily: Oh, I love it. What are my powers?
Marshall: Um, if a problem arises and we need a ruling, that's your job.
Barney: But you have to be unbiased and put the integrity of slap bet above all else. This is an honor you will take with you to your grave. On your tombstone, it will read "Lily Aldrin, caring wife, loving friend, Slap Bet Commissioner."
Marshall: And your tombstone will read, "got slapped by Marshall so hard, he died."

Quote from Lily

Ted: What am I gonna do? My girlfriend's married. Do I ask her to get a divorce?
Lily: Ted, even if she is married, it's a Canadian marriage. It's like their money or their army. Nobody takes it seriously.

Quote from Barney

Marshall: [laughs] I can see my hand print on your face.
Barney: Don't get too cocky, Slappy. I just got a shipment of porn from Canada I have to go through.
Marshall: I won the bet. Why are you still searching?
Barney: Just because you were right doesn't mean I'm wrong.
Lily: Oh, right, like you need an excuse to watch porn.
Barney: Canadian porn. Trust me when I tell you their universal health care system doesn't cover breast implants. If I have to sit through one more flat-chested Nova Scotian riding a Mountie on the back of a Zamboni, I'll go "oot" of my mind.

Quote from Robin

[Video plays on laptop of Robin, dressed as a school girl, in a classroom with a teacher:]
Robin Sparkles: Please, Mr. Johnson, I'm sorry I was a bad girl. Please don't give me detention. Isn't there something I can do to make it up to you? [Robin bites her lip]

Quote from Robin

Barney: Well, obviously, I've been proven right, so in the interest of Robin's dignity, I won't show anymore. Plus, it's getting late. It's already slap o'clock.
[Barney slaps Marshall]
Robin: What the hell was that?
Barney: I slap bet Marshall that you did porn, so I win.
Robin: Porn? I wish it was porn, it would be less embarrassing.

Quote from Marshall

Barney: I can think of tons of things there's no way Marshall told you.
Lily: Try me.
Barney: Do you know about the time the Marshall was in Trenton?
Lily: Doggie ate his pants, yep.
Barney: Bill's bachelor party in Memphis.
Lily: Oh, when they had to pump out all the nickels from his stomach?
Barney: Wow. Okay, Seattle.
Lily: Trick question, Marshall's never been to the Pacific Northwest because he's afraid of Sasquatch.
Barney: Damn.
Marshall: I'm not afraid of Sasquatch. I just think we should all be on alert.

Quote from Robin

Ted: Thanks for telling me your secret. It means so much to me that you could be so, what's the word I'm looking for... honest.
Robin: Thanks, Ted.
Ted: Yeah, you know what's probably the best part about your honesty? How truthful it is.
Robin: I say we just move on.
Ted: In order for me to get total closure on this whole my-girlfriend-has-a-husband thing, I think I'm gonna need a little bit more information. Like, what month did you get married?
Robin: June. We had a June wedding.
Ted: Ah, Canada in June. That's great.
Ted: Sit down or buffet?
Robin: Um...
Ted: Whoa. It's weird that you don't remember.
Robin: No, I just didn't know how to answer because we did butlered hors d'oeuvres in the atrium, but the actual dinner was a buffet in the food court featuring a filet mignon or roasted potato-crusted salmon with a lobster scallion beurre blanc.

Quote from Robin

Ted: Oh, my God. Robin's rapping. Guys, Robin's rapping.
Robin Sparkles: [on video] Went to the mall with a couple of friends. Had a whole week's allowance to spend.

Quote from Marshall

Lily: Okay, I'm going to give you a choice. Either ten slaps right now in a row or five slaps that can be doled at any point from here to eternity.
Marshall & Ted: Cool.
Ted: Go with the 10 now.
Robin: No, wait. Why get 10 when you can get 5?
Ted: Yeah, but the constant fear of knowing that at any moment you can get slapped in the face would drive you crazy.
Barney: I'm gonna go with the five for eternity.
Robin: Good call.
Ted: Horrible call.
[Marshall reaches for his soda. Barney flinches]
Marshall: Relax, dude, I'm just going for my soda, man. Take it easy. This is gonna be fun.

Quote from Ted

Robin Sparkles: [singing on video] Let's go to the mall today! Everybody loves the mall
Lily: So, just to be clear, you wanted everybody to go to the mall today?
Barney: Wow, we're gonna watch this a lot.
Robin: I even wore a bedazzled jean jacket.
Ted: Hey, just so you know, 16-year-old me would have been all over you. You could have been the girlfriend in Canada I told everyone I had.

Quote from Marshall

Ted: Hey, I'm really sorry I pried this out of you. I probably should have left it alone.
Robin: You know what, you know me better now. That feels kinda nice.
[Ted and Robin kiss]
Lily, Marshall & Barney: Aw.
[Marshall slaps Barney]
Marshall: That's one.

Quote from Robin

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, one of things you'll learn about relationships is that you're never done getting to know someone. Everyone has secrets. Some are nice.
Ted: You know how to make crepes? That is so cool. [Ted and Robin kiss]
[later, in Ted's bedroom:]
Future Ted: [v.o.] Some aren't as nice.
Robin: And then there was Derek and counting you, that puts the total up to...
Ted: Oh, I got your total. Counting along.
[later, in MacLaren's:]
Future Ted: [v.o.] And some are just weird.
Ted: You're scared of the Seven Dwarfs?
Robin: Just Doc. He's creepy. I mean, the guy went to medical school. What's he doing living with six coal miners?

Quote from Barney

Barney: Oh, man, I'm so excited. I couldn't sleep last night. I bet you guys couldn't either.
Robin: Why?
Barney: Uh, only the gala event for the grand opening of Sharper Image's 500th store. Didn't you get my email?
Robin: No, I blocked your address after the fourth time you sent me the video of the monkey sniffing his own butt.
Barney: Come on, it's on me! I'm buying three of you foot massagers and one of you a nose hair trimmer. You know who you are.

Quote from Ted

Ted: Guys, guys, guys, Robin doesn't like malls. If she doesn't want to tell us why, she doesn't have to. I think we should all just respect her privacy.
Robin: Thanks, Ted.
[later, in Ted's bedroom:]
Ted: So, what's the deal with you and malls?
Robin: You said if I didn't want to talk about it, I didn't have to.
Ted: Yeah, with those people. I'm your boyfriend. Come on, what is it? Did you get arrested in a mall?
Robin: No.
Ted: Dumped in a mall?
Robin: Ted.
Ted: Found out you were Canadian at a mall?
Robin: Let it go.
Ted: Trapped under a fake boulder at the mall?
Robin: Let it go.
Ted: Mauled at the mall?
Robin: Let it go. And who gets trapped under a fake boulder at the mall?
Ted: Not me in Ohio when I was nine, that's for sure.

Quote from Barney

Ted: I don't get it, why won't Robin tell me why she hates malls?
Barney: Ted, you should be happy Robin has a secret. The more you learn about a person, the better chance you have of hitting the fatal 'oh' moment.
Marshall: The 'oh' moment?
Barney: Yeah, that moment when you find out that one detail about a person that is going to be a deal breaker.
[flashback to Barney talking to a woman at MacLaren's:]
Woman #1: It's a promise ring. I made a pact with God to stay a virgin till I'm married.
Barney: Oh. [leaves]
[flashback to Barney talking to another woman:]
Woman #2: I don't have an eating disorder. It's just when I put food in my mouth, I chew it and then I spit it out.
Barney: Oh. [exits]
[flashback to Barney talking to another woman:]
Woman #3: I just turned 30.
Barney: Oh. [exits]
[back:]
Barney: So, trust me, you want to postpone knowing anything about each other for as long as possible.

Quote from Barney

Ted: Meanwhile, Robin tells me nothing.
Barney: Fine, do you want to know what Robin's secret is?
Ted: You know?
Barney: Of course I know. She couldn't look at us. Her face got flushed. That's shame. Our friend, Robin, used to do porn... wait for it... ography.
Ted: Yeah, we didn't really have to wait for that. And it's ridiculous.

Quote from Robin

Ted: She's not married. Robin hates marriage.
Marshall: Because she already got married, at the mall.
Lily: No, because before Robin moved to New York, she...What was she doing?
Ted: Well, I don't know, whenever I ask her about Canada, she kinda clams up.
Marshall: She's a pretty private person.
Lily: Except when she's talking about...
[flashback to Lily and Robin talking at the bar:]
Robin: A friend of mine in Canada got married way too young and it really turned her off to marriage.
[flashback to Lily and Robin talking in the apartment while Marshall studies:]
Lily: What do you think of this wedding cake?
Robin: Oh, I like it. Hey, you remember that friend of mine in Canada who got married too young? Her wedding cake was a Mrs. Field's giant cookie.
[Marshall looks up and smiles at Lily]
Lily: No.
[flashback to the gang in a booth at MacLaren's:]
Robin: My friend in Canada who got married way too young, they had to do their vows twice, once in French.
Barney: They speak French there too? God! That place is a mess.

Quote from Barney

Marshall: Robin is not in porn. I'll bet you anything that she's married.
Barney: $20,000 says it's porn.
Marshall: I don't have $20,000.
Barney: Well then, what do you have?
Marshall: Well...
Lily: No.
Barney: I got it. The ultimate wager. Slap bet.
Marshall: Oh, slap bet. We used to do those when I was a kid.

Quote from Marshall

[After Marshall slaps Barney]
Barney: Your hand is monstrous.
Marshall: Well, what did you expect? You've seen my penis.

Quote from Ted

Ted: You were never married.
Robin: Yes, I was.
Ted: No, you weren't.
Robin: How do you know?
Ted: I looked it up at the library.
Robin: What library?
Ted: The one on 5th.
Robin: When did you go?
Ted: Today at lunch. And I had a an apple brie panini with potato salad....
Robin: I'm not questioning the lunch part, Ted. What database did you use?
Ted: I used the Canadian Mall Marriage 6000. [off Robin's look] Fine, Marshall looked it up in school.

Quote from Robin

Robin: See, this is why I don't tell people secrets. You were supposed to be the one person I trusted the most and even you couldn't keep a secret.
Ted: But it was a fake secret.
Robin: Yeah, I was testing you and you failed, and now you're never gonna know why I never go to the mall. And it's good too.
Ted: Testing me, that's insane.
Robin: Oh yeah, how long did it take for you to tell Marshall my biggest secret in the world?
Ted: That wasn't a real secret.
Robin: Yeah, but it could have been.
Ted: You are driving me crazy. No wonder your fake husband moved to Hong Kong.
Robin: He moved there for business.

Quote from Barney

Marshall: You told him?
Lily: I had to. I'm Slap Bet Commissioner. Baby, this hurts me more than it's gonna hurt you.
Barney: Don't count on it. I've been practicing on a tree trunk.
Lily: Barney gets three slaps.
Marshall: Three?
Lily: One because you lied. And two for being prematurely slapped. Three slaps.
[Barney slaps Marshall three times in rapid succession.]
Barney: Oh, my God. Are you gonna cry?
Marshall: No. You're gonna cry.

Quote from Barney

Barney: So I just got a very interesting phone call.
Ted: What are you talking about?
Barney: I know Robin's secret.
Robin: What?
Barney: That's right, I know your secret, Robin. Or should I say Robin Sparkles?
Robin: How do you know that name?
Barney: 'Cause I know the truth. And I am about to show it to you right now.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Gather around, Ted, you're gonna wanna see this.
Ted: Yeah. No, I don't. [Ted closes laptop]
Barney: What?
Ted: Robin wants to keep this a secret so it's gonna stay a secret.
Barney: Yeah, it's not gonna stay a secret. You see, in my research, I came upon a certain gentleman in Malaysia who is in possession of a certain video tape. He just emailed me that it will be up and running on MySpace in about... [gasps] Right now! [Barney opens laptop] Robin's world is about to be turned upside-down. I mean, I'm guessing.

Quote from Barney

Robin: I wanna stress that I was young.
Barney: Yeah, you were.
Robin: And I didn't know any better.
Barney: They never do.
Robin: And it started out as an innocent modeling job.
Barney: It always does.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: Taking a break from the first of many viewings, I can't help but notice that this isn't porn.
Lily: And yet a slap occurred without the permission of the Slap Bet Commissioner.
Marshall: Looks like someone suffered from premature slapulation.


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