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35Quotes from ‘Hooked’

How I Met Your Mother: Hooked

516. Hooked

Aired March 1, 2010

Ted's friends try to convince him that he's being strung along by an attractive woman, Tiffany (guest star Carrie Underwood), who never seems ready to commit to a relationship.

Quote from Barney

Ted: What? It's just a job.
Barney: Just a... Just a... Ah! Ted, throughout time, there has always been one cutting-edge profession to which hot girls, like Tiffany, have flocked. Shall I walk you through the history?
Ted: I'm gonna explicitly say no.
Barney: It all started 2.5 million years ago.
[flashback to a cave-man Barney hitting rocks:]
Barney: [v.o.] Man was a hunter. So the hottest profession of the day? Gatherer.
Barney: Homo erectus, indeed. [winks to camera]
[flashback to an injured Barney in a field hospital:]
Barney: [v.o.] As man mastered technology, the hottest profession of the day evolved.
Barney: I'm pretty sure it's a hernia. Can you check again? [winks to camera]
[flashback to Barney seated in first class on an airplane:]
Barney: [v.o.] And then man took to the skies. And so hot women put on high heels and became stewardesses.
Barney: I am in the upright and locked position. [winks to camera]
[present:]
Barney: And then man said, "Life is hard. I should start taking lots of prescription drugs." And so, hot girls rolled into doctors' offices, looking sexy enough to render the very erection pills they peddled ironically redundant. So, now, pharma girls are today's hottest profession.

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Quote from Barney

Diana: Hey, Barney, I want you to meet the newest pharma girl.
Gladys: Gladys Reynolds. Nice to make your acquaintance. I represent statins and other cholesterol-lowering drugs.
Diana: Come on, girl. Let's go get our drink on!
Gladys: Okay.
Barney: It's over.
Robin: What's over?
Barney: Pharma girls are no longer exclusively hot chicks. It's the end of an era.
Robin: You're being a little dramatic.
Barney: Am I? It starts out with a Gladys. Next thing you know, a few not-so-fabulous gay guys enter the ranks. And before you know it, pharma girls look like the crew on a Southwest flight from Albuquerque to Little Rock. It's over. [slams the table]

Quote from Barney

Barney: Ain't no party like a pharma girl party 'Cause a pharma girl party don't stop. Dude, I've already hooked up with three of them. Fantazmo. Plus, my cholesterol is down, my Restless Leg Syndrome is cured. I've never felt more alive!

Quote from Barney

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, in many of my stories, I'm a starry-eyed romantic on a noble search for true love. In this one, I'm just a jerk.
Ted: Well, guys, tonight is the night. I'm inviting Tiffany up to my place to see my antique camera collection.
Barney: It's Ted's bait.
Lily: Bait?
Barney: A true gentleman invents a pretense to lure an honorable lady into his apartment, some item of interest or beauty you can both pretend to admire for five minutes before she hops on your disco stick.

Quote from Lily

Ted: Right. She's coming up to borrow a book, or check out an album on vinyl.
Marshall: Or to see your new rap poster.
Robin: [scoffs] Rap poster? Who would that work on?
Lily: It was the first week of college. I was really into Wu-Tang Clan.

Quote from Robin

Robin: But, Ted, don't feel bad. We've all been there. I've been on both sides of it. I've been a hookee and a hooker. ... Move past it, guys. I've been a little bit loose, but money never changed hands.

Quote from Future Ted

Barney: Really? You're really gonna sit here all night watching the door because Tiffany said she'll "try to stop by"?
Ted: Barney, I'm not gonna just give up on her.
Future Ted: [v.o.] I should've given up on her.
Ted: This girl is special.
Future Ted: She was the devil.
Ted: Things are gonna work out with Tiffany.
Future Ted: No, they're not, dumbass!

Quote from Barney

Barney: Dude, ditch Tiffany and join the Barnacle in a pharma girl free-for-all! Side effects may include loss of clothing, rug burn, shortness of breath and sore abdominals the next morning. What in the world is up? [raises hand for a high five]

Quote from Robin

Robin: What! I am not keeping Mike on the hook!
Ted: You are Captain Hook!
Robin: Uh, dude, I'm a girl. Okay, our girl parts are like a spider web. Sometimes you're gonna catch stuff you don't want.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Last night, I was with this pharma girl who was so hot you should call a doctor if you don't have an erection for more than four hours. Am I right, people?
Robin: Yeah, there's no people. Just the girl you most recently dated.

Quote from Barney

Robin: Hey, how's it going?
Ted: Still in mourning over the end of the pharma girl era?
Barney: No. I realized that their reign had to end to make room for some new hot girl profession. Maybe it'll be
intergalactic communications officer on a rocket ship to some distant solar system we can't possibly imagine. Maybe it'll be meter maids. We just don't know. But one thing is sure. The future glows like a giant sun shooting amber rays of light into our hearts and minds.
Robin: Wow, what changed your mind?
Barney: The realization that hope springs eternal, Robin. That and this little bottle of purple pills I found in my couch cushion. I don't know what they are, [laughing] but they are amazing!


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