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28Quotes from ‘Coming Back’

How I Met Your Mother: Coming Back

902. Coming Back

Aired September 23, 2013

Robin worries about Barney's reaction when James announces that he is divorced. Marshall continues his quest to make it to the wedding from Minnesota. Meanwhile, Ted must wait for his room to be ready, while a lonely Lily is determined to drown her sorrows.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Robin, I came to the desk to get this.
Robin: Is that the key to our room?
Barney: It's the key to James's room.
[When Barney and Robin enter James's room, there are rose petals on the bed, a banner reading "Love is Awesome", and a large life-size cake of a naked black man and a naked white man holding each other's asses:]
Robin: Oh, my. What is that?
Barney: It's an erotic cake. I wanted to surprise them for their anniversary.
Robin: Is that... Is that James and Tom?
Barney: Mmm, caramel marzipan, chocolate marzipan.
Robin: I love chocolate marzipan.
Barney: So does Tom. Used to anyway.
Robin: This is, uh, absolutely the, uh... the weirdest thing anyone has ever done for their sibling. I love you so much.

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Quote from Ted

James: Okay, see you later, Ted.
Ted: You're not giving up, James. And neither am I.
[As James leaves, Ted returns to his crossword puzzle. The camera pans out to reveal The Mother sitting in the chair next to Ted, staring in the other direction. Ted then walks into the room and sits down at the table in another seat.]
Future Ted: Hey, beautiful.
The Mother: Hi.
Future Ted: God, you look great.
The Mother: What? Come on.
Future Ted: You do!
The Mother: I've been in a car all morning. I just ate a croissant crumb that I found in my bra. I'm disgusting.
Future Ted: Yeah, I saw you do that. And it was super hot. Come here.
The Mother: You come here. Come here.
Future Ted: No, you come here. Come here. Hey, you want to hear something funny? One year ago today, almost to the minute, I was sitting at this very table right in that seat.
The Mother: Oh, yeah. I can see it. Nursing your gin and tonic with three extra limes, doing the crossword, probably being all showboat-y about it.
Future Ted: I wasn't being showboat-y about it.
Ted: "Vesuvius". Boo-yah! Oh, wait, that doesn't fit.
Future Ted: The point is, one year ago today, I made a promise to myself right at this table.
The Mother: What was the promise?
Both Teds: I'm coming back, and I'm bringing you.
The Mother: Wait a second. Hold it. One year ago today, you hadn't even met me.
Future Ted: I know, but I knew I would. And now it's a year later.
The Mother: And here I am.
Future Ted: Here you are. Love in your eyes, baked goods in your undergarments.
The Mother: Yeah. You picked a real winner, Mosby.
Future Ted: I did. Okay, seriously, what the crap is taking so long with these rooms? It was like this last year. I'll be right back.
The Mother: I'll be right here.

Quote from Lily

Robin: I'm sorry about you and Tom, but you can't just drop a bombshell like this so close to someone's wedding. You broke the curse. You and Tom are the only couple that makes Barney believe in marriage.
Lily: [chuckles] Really? The only couple? I mean, no one else comes to mind? Been together 17 years? She's a spunky redhead, he's got calves that launched a thousand lady boners?

Quote from Lily

Lily: Hi, Linus. Here's how this goes down. If I'm going to make it through this weekend without my husband, I need you to hook a lady up. Any time you see me without a drink in my hand, you put a drink in my hand. Are you my guy, Linus?
Linus: So you want the Kennedy Package?
Lily: Bingo.

Quote from Barney

Marshall: [on the phone] Barney, before you get too upset, there's another flight that leaves in five minutes.
Barney: You're getting on it.
Marshall: I'm gonna try.
Barney: There is no try! You're getting on that plane.
Daphne: Hey, growth spurt. If there is only one seat left on this plane, I will fight you for it. And I'm a biter.
Barney: Marshall, whoever that is, grab her carry-on and throw it into a restricted area. I'm serious. Do it. Do it now.
Marshall: What? No. Barney, are you...? No, I'm not gonna... That's... No.
Barney: There is no, what, no, Barney, are you, no I'm not gonna, that's no! This is a holiday weekend. You're not gonna get to New York by being nice. So you're gonna have to lose the whole Midwestern aw-shucksy-doodles thing...
Marshall: Shucksy doodles?
Barney: ...and act like a New Yorker. A pushy, obnoxious, knock-the-other-guy-down-and-take-his-hot-dog resident of the greatest city on earth!
Marshall: No can do, Barney. I'm from Minnesota, where there's plenty of hot dogs for everyone. Perhaps even too many. But listen, I'm gonna get to New York without being a jerk.

Quote from Marshall

Daphne: Can I make a suggestion? I rent the car, then I go buy the car seat, come back here, pick you guys up, and then the three of us drive to New York together.
Marshall: [laughs quietly] Let me get this straight. So, you're gonna rent the car, go and get a baby seat for my son, and then drive all the way back here to pick me up.
Daphne: That's right.
Marshall: Well, then you're gonna need some cash here. Hundred bucks ought to cover it. So, we'll see you soon.
Daphne: You got it, Michael!
Marshall: Marshall.
Daphne: Doesn't matter now, does it?
Marshall: Remember this day, Marvin. Not only is this the day that we either saw Prince or a really flamboyantly dressed greyhound, it's also the day that your dad chose not to be a jerk and put his trust in humanity. Just watch where it gets us. [later] Shucksy-doodles!

Quote from Barney

Barney: And now the true tale of the Stinson Curse. Moscow, 1807.
[historical fantasy:]
James: [Russian accent] What a wonderful night at the opera. Wouldn't you agree, Comrade Barnovski?
Barney: [Russian accent] I would indeed, Comrade Jamesokoff. But you know what made it truly wonderful? Being here with my wife. The beet in my borscht, the fur on my hat, the only person I've ever been attracted to, ever.
James: I feel the same way about Kyle, my plutonic friend from work.
Barney: Is it just me, or did that feel like we hit an old Gypsy woman? [later] Yep. Old Gypsy woman.
James: Good call, Barnovski. Oh, well, she's just a peasant. Home, Smirnoff.
Barney: Wait, she's saying something!
Woman: Hornier. Hornier.
Barney: Hornier? Son of a bitch. Did she just put a curse on us?
James: Eh, nonsense, brother. Okay, let's go, Smirnoff. Smirnoff? Homina, hominovich. Mmm, Smirnoff, I would climb you like the Kremlin Wall. What's happening to me?
Barney: Don't you see? You're getting hornier, brother, just like the old Gypsy woman said! Oh, hello there. [chuckles] Ever had a White Russian?

Quote from Barney

Barney: For the next 200 years, every male member of the Stinson family was afflicted by the Gypsy's curse, an unquenchable thirst for booty that no committed relationship could ever satisfy. That is, until my brother James met his husband Tom. The day they got married, they lifted the curse forever, freeing me from the shackles of having sex with lots of different women. Although, sometimes Robin and I still use the shackles. Bondage five!
Robin: Whoa. I can't, I can't, I can't.

Quote from Robin

Ted: So what happened? Why- Why'd you guys break up?
James: Well, the thing to remember is that when something like this happens, it's nobody's fault.
Ted: You cheated on him.
James: Repeatedly. I thought about keeping it quiet, but then I realized, wouldn't my family want me to be honest with them about news this big?
Robin: Aw. Can I just say five things? [slaps James on each word] What. Is. The. Matter. With. Sorry, six. You.

Quote from Lily

Ted: What was that?
Lily: I don't know. It just came out.
Ted: That's it. It's barely even noon. You're cut off. [Ted takes away Lily's drink]
Lily: Thank you, Linus. [Ted takes Lily's new drink, Linus replaces it again] Thank you, Linus. [again] Thank you, Linus. [again] Thank you, Linus. [again] Thank you, Linus.
Ted: Okay, but after that one, you're cut off!

Quote from Barney

Barney: You thought I was gonna freak out.
Robin: Well, I mean, a Gypsy cursed your family to become hornier and do awesome guitar solos. Can you blame me?
Barney: Look, am I bummed about James and Tom getting a divorce? Obviously. But I don't need them to make me believe in true love anymore. I've got you for that now. Oh, man, now I gotta figure out what to do with all this stuff.
Robin: Well, before we do that... um, would it be all right if I nibbled on your brother's Ding Dong?
Barney: How about we nibble on my brother's Ding Dong together?
Robin: I'd like that.
Future Ted: [v.o.] So, they cleaned all that stuff out of there and had a talk with James. And Barney didn't freak out, because here's the thing, kids. When you believe in people, people come through.

Quote from Ted

Curtis: Sorry that took so long. Please, try to enjoy your stay.
Ted: I will.
Curtis: Try to.
Ted: I will enjoy my stay.
Curtis: Try.
Ted: Not gonna try. Just... just gonna do it.
Curtis: Good for you.
Ted: Not good for me. No, just-just neutral for me.
Curtis: Attaboy.
Ted: No, at not a boy.
Curtis: It gets better.
Ted: I am fine, Curtis. Okay? I enjoy and appreciate the happiness of other people whether I am in a relationship or not. Okay? Curtis? So just-just... just go ahead and give me my one key because I am fine.
[When Ted arrives in his room, Barney's decorations for James festoon the room]
Ted: Oh, come on. I need another drink.


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