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29Quotes from ‘No Questions Asked’

How I Met Your Mother: No Questions Asked

907. No Questions Asked

Aired October 28, 2013

When Marshall panics about a text message Daphne sent to Lily, he calls on his friends to help delete the message by reminding them of their "No Questions Asked" favors.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Hey, good news. We're all set for the dove release.
Robin: What?
Barney: When we leave the church, they're gonna release 100 doves. It's going to be avi-wait-for-it-ary. Aviary.

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Quote from Marshall

Future Ted: [v.o.] Marshall had recently discovered that the Farhampton Inn was featured in an episode of The Ghost Network's original series True and Real Ghost Stories of the Supernatural.
Marshall: There, see? The Farhampton Inn. I told you it sounded familiar.
[on TV:]
Narrator: In 1843, the streets of Farhampton, Long Island, were stalked by a vicious killer named Captain Blazeby Dearduff. Dubbed Dearduff the Hooker, he murdered dozens of unwary travelers with his sharpened hook. Ironically, that hook would prove Dearduff's own undoing one wintry night in Room 13 of the Farhampton Inn. He was found the next morning frozen to death.
Man: Boom.
Narrator: Some say you can still hear Captain Dearduff's cries coming from Room 13.
Captain Dearduff: Cold. So cold. Help me. Help me.
Man: We can see you, Ron.
Narrator: Some say you can still hear the thump of his peg and the scrape of his hook. Others say Dearduff the Hooker was just a popular male prostitute who murdered no one and died of syphilis in 1848. Let's hear from some people who have actually survived a night in Room 13.
Carrie Friedman: Did I see a ghost? [distorted] Of course. Yes. There are such things as ghosts.

Quote from Lily

Lily: [on the phone] Plus, it's a crappy room, but when I tried to complain...
[flashback:]
Lily: The thermostat in my room is broken, the AC won't turn off.
Hamish: Ooh. Sounds like the work of Captain Dearduff. He brings with him the icy chill of death. So bad luck there. Night-night.
Lily: It sounds like you're using Captain Dearduff as an excuse for a crappy room.
Hamish: I beg your pardon. I did not get to be a 40-year-old night clerk by making excuses. Now, if there's anything wrong that isn't ghost-related, I'm happy to address it.
Lily: Okay, the Wi-Fi doesn't work.
Hamish: Ghosts interfere with electronic devices.
Lily: The shower's leaking.
Hamish: Dearduff likes the sound of dripping, reminds him of his bleeding victims.
Lily: And the door won't lock.
Hamish: Captain Dearduff doesn't want to, you know, be locked out of his room.
Lily: Why would a locked door keep a ghost out? Can't they walk through walls?
Hamish: Maybe he's afraid of rats.
Lily: There are rats in the walls?
Hamish: No.

Quote from Ted

Ted: Uh, Marshall wanted me to check on you. He was worried that you might be scared all alone in the ghost room.
Lily: Remind me to call you next time Marvin has a nightmare. You can calm him by bursting into his room with a chainsaw and a hockey mask.
Ted: Sorry, I didn't want to knock in case you were asleep, so I just climbed the drain pipe, no big deal. And opened the latch with this here coat hanger. I would've called, but, uh, I didn't know if you'd have your phone handy. Say, where is that old phone of yours?
Lily: Ted, I am not scared, so why don't you head back to your room and...? [thunder smashes] Aah! I guess you can stay until I fall asleep. If it'll make you feel better. And maybe if it'll make you feel even better, you can sing me a version of Marvin's lullaby?
Ted: Okay. Okay. [singing] Night-night, little Lily No ifs, ands, or buts No peg-legged ghost is waiting To hook out your guts.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Can't your guys just fire blanks?
Robin: At a wedding? Heh. Yeah, that's romantic.
Barney: I just wish I would have known about the guns.
Robin: Well, I wish I'd known about the doves. That's the problem with us. We don't think about checking with the other person before doing something. Honestly, I think that's what broke us up the first time. We're both Ione wolves, always off in our own worlds.
Barney: That's not gonna work.
Robin: Not in a marriage, no.
Barney: What? Sorry, I was thinking about getting the doves little Kevlar tuxedos, but that's not gonna work. There's no time for fitting.

Quote from Barney

Barney: [answers phone] Hey.
Marshall: I need you to get to Lily's phone without her seeing and delete the last text she got.
Barney: Why? What did you...?
Marshall: And I need you to do it, no questions asked. As you'll recall, you owe me a "no questions asked."
[flashback:]
Marshall: [answers phone] Hello.
Barney: Marshall, I need you to rush to the Macy's in Herald Square. Find the utility closet on the third floor and bring me the following things: A clean pair of underwear, a clean pair of pants, a box of moist towelettes, hand sanitizer, and a garbage bag. No questions asked.
Marshall: You deuced your pants.
Barney: Never mind.
[back:]
Barney: Ha! You didn't wind up helping me, so it doesn't count. Face.
Marshall: Yes, I'm the one who should be embarrassed by that story.

Quote from Barney

Robin: Let's prove that we believe in marriage by working together to help Marshall hide something from his wife. First, we take position in the lobby.
Barney: Then, you cause a distraction.
Robin: Then you send in a trained dove to grab Lily's phone.
Barney: The dove drops the phone into your hand, you delete the text and toss it back on the counter.
Robin: Wait. It's absolutely insane... how foolproof this plan is.
Barney: Sometimes it's best to just go simple.

Quote from Barney

Ted: [chokes] Why do you have a gun? Why do you always have a gun?
Robin: Where's Lily?
Ted: She went up 20 minutes ago.
Robin: You're kidding.
Barney: Courtney Dove, no. I already lost Kurt Coo-bain, I can't lose you as well.

Quote from Lily

Hamish: So you're saying you didn't order room service and you didn't order Prison Sluts Nine?
Lily: I am saying I did not order room service.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: [on the phone] How did you do it?
Ted: I called in a "no questions asked" with Lily. Why didn't you? You must have a million.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And Marshall thought back.
[flashback to Marshall in a jail cell:]
Marshall: [on the phone] Hey, baby, it's me. Can you come bail me out of jail? I thought I saw a bigfoot in Central Park and so I tackled him, but it turned out to be Russell Brand.
[flashback to Marshall arriving home covered in scratches:]
Marshall: Hey. Oh, do you mind looking up our vaccination records? I tried to hug a raccoon.
[flashback to Marshall with a disassembled TV:]
Marshall: Hey, babe, um, could you dig up our warranty? I took the TV apart and I made a robot out of it.
[flashback to Marshall in a jail cell:]
Marshall: [on the phone] Hey, I tackled Russell Brand again.

Quote from Ted

Ted: "And I see in your eyes the emerald reefs of the primordial seas, afroth with the first stirrings of life, infinite in mystery and miracle. Forever yours, the guy you met at the drugstore an hour ago. I heard you give your address to the pharmacist while I was buying foot powder." Yeah. Mailed it. No, no, no.


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