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29Quotes from ‘Something New’

How I Met Your Mother: Something New

824. Something New

Aired May 13, 2013

Robin and Barney's evening out ahead of their wedding is ruined by an obnoxious couple. Meanwhile, Marshall makes a last-minute trip to Minnesota to his mother, while Ted invites Lily to see the house he's finally fixed up.

Quote from Lily

Lily: So, what do you want to do tonight? Drink ourselves blind, set a car on fire? Ooh, watch a movie that doesn't start with a desk lamp jumping on top of a capital "I"? I'm all yours, Teddy Westside.
Ted: Actually, tonight it's Teddy Westchester. Got to head up to the house, take care of some stuff.
Lily: Oh, yeah, how's the restoration going?
Ted: Actually, done.
Lily: You finished the house? Well, I want to see it
Ted: Marshall already canceled the cable, huh?
Lily: And the Wi-Fi. It's like Little House on the Freaking Prairie up there.


Quote from Lily

Ted: They're happy. And I'm happy for them. I want them to have an amazing life together. I just... I just think it would be best for everyone if I wasn't around for it.
Lily: Did something happen recently between you and Robin?
Ted: No.
Lily: Where's the poop, Ted?

Quote from Barney

Barney: El Piramide. The first cigar we ever smoked together.
Robin: Aw, Barney.
Krirsten: Excuse me. Hi. Could you not? Thanks.
Robin: Uh, dude, I'm not gonna light 'em up in here. I'm just looking at 'em.
Krirsten: Right, but even when they're unlit, the smell, it's very...
Calvin: Pungent.
Krirsten: Exactly. Thank you. It's a very pungent smell. So, could you not? Thanks.
Robin: Okay.
Calvin: I'm sorry, can you also put the bag away? It-It's just really unappetizing to look at.
Barney: You're unappetizing to look at.
Robin: You know what? Um, I'll put them away, okay? Enjoy your night.
Calvin: We'll try.
Robin: Did those two just become our archenemies?
Barney: No, Robin, they've always been our archenemies. They've only just revealed themselves.

Quote from Robin

Robin: You know what? Don't even think about them, okay? Tonight is about celebrating us.
Barney: You're right, you're right. We shouldn't let a couple...
Calvin: Nope, nope. I'm a self-diagnosed claustrophobic. I have to sit next to the window.
Barney: No, that's our table, that's our table, that's our table, that's our table, that's our table, that's our table.
Robin: You know what? Screw celebrating us. You know what we're gonna do?
Both: Make those smug, obnoxious sons of bitches pay.
Both: Aw...

Quote from Lily

Lily: Judy's going to talk him out of going to Rome. I knew something was going to screw up our plans, and this is it. She is going to convince him never to leave the country.
Ted: I think you're imagining things.
Lily: Oh, yeah? Well, check out what's already on Facebook.
[photo of Judy and baby Marvin with world blocks that read "USA"]
Ted: Inconclusive.
Lily: Oh, really?
[photo of Judy with baby Marvin and photo blocks which read "ROME SUX"]
Ted: It's getting conclusiver.

Quote from Ted

Lily: Why would you move to Chicago?
Ted: Because it's the perfect town for me. It's like a Clevelandy New York. And don't act like you haven't noticed, my hair excels in the wind. Besides, you're moving to Rome.
Lily: Yeah, for a year, and when we get back, we need you to be here waiting for us, hopefully living in this house with your future bride.
Ted: Wha... What future bride?
Lily: The girl. She's out there walking around New York City right now, probably in a pair of really cute boots that she's gonna let me borrow whenever I want because we're the same size. She is out there, Ted.
Ted: Is she, really? Because I've looked. I have looked high and low for someone I can love and adore and cook waffles for. The closest I've come is Marshall.
Lily: He does love your waffles.
Ted: It's the cinnamon. I add cinnamon.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: [on the phone] So, you want me to be a judge?
Man: Yes.
Marshall: And I would start a week from Tuesday?
Man: Yes.
Marshall: Could I maybe start a year from Tuesday?
Man: No.
Marshall: Got to be a week from Tuesday?
Man: Yes.
Marshall: And I'd be a real judge?
Man: Yes.
Marshall: With a robe?
Man: Yes.
Marshall: Gavel?
Man: Yes.
Marshall: Wacky Southern accent?
Man: No.
Marshall: [in Southern accent] Now, counselor, are you absolutely sure?
Man: Yes.
Marshall: And I have to be in New York for this?
Man: Yes.
Marshall: I can't telecommute?
Man: No.
Marshall: I couldn't be the crazy speakerphone judge?
Man: No.
Marshall: Could I be a hologram?
Man: No.
Marshall: Animatronic robot like Abe Lincoln from the Hall of Presidents that I control from afar with a joystick?
Man: No.
Marshall: Do you remember the giant Jor-El head from Superman?
Man: Yes.
Marshall: Well, what if I...?
Man: No.
Marshall: Is there any way that I could do this and also spend the next year of my life in Italy with my wife?
Man: No.
Marshall: This is such a big decision. I'm not good at big decisions.
Man: Are you sure you want to be a judge?

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