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35Quotes from ‘Showdown’

How I Met Your Mother: Showdown

220. Showdown

Aired April 30, 2007

Barney applies to be a contestant on The Price is Right so he can meet Bob Barker, whom he claims is his father. Meanwhile, Marshall and Lily try to spend a little time apart before their wedding, and Ted works on his best man toast.

Quote from Loretta

Ted: Your dad is Bob Barker?
Barney: That's right
Lily: The host of The Price Is Right, Bob Barker?
Barney: That's Pops.
Robin: Barney?
Barney: Yes, Robin?
Robin: Why in the world do you think Bob Barker is your father?
Barney: Uh, because my mother told me he was, that's why.
[flashback to Barney as a kid, watching The Price is Right:]
Young Barney: Mom, who's my dad? All the other kids at school know who their dad is. Who's mine?
Loretta: Oh, I don't know. That guy. [points to Barney on TV]

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Quote from Barney

Barney: You guys know how it's hard to be friends with me 'cause I'm so awesome?
Ted: Yes, it's hard to be friends with you. Go on.
Barney: Well, this isn't going to make it any easier. I am going to be on... The Price Is Right.
Marshall: No way!
Ted: What?!
Barney: Yes, in a couple days, Rich Fields is going to call out my name, and I will come on down.
Marshall: Whoa, that is so awesome.

Quote from Barney

Robin: Barney, I didn't know you were such a fan of The Price is Right.
Barney: Are you kidding? T.P.I.R. is not just an indescribably entertaining hour of television, it's a microcosm of our entire economic system, a capitalist utopia, where consumers are rewarded for their persistence, market acumen and intrepid spirit. I gaze upon the glory of The Price Is Right, and I see the face of America. And it is divine. Plus, you know, hot chicks on sports cars.

Quote from Barney

Ted: Why is this such a big deal?
Barney: Okay, guys, sit down, I've got to tell you something. [They were all sitting already] The reason I'm going on The Price Is Right is because I've decided that it's time for me to meet my real father.
Ted: Your father?
Barney: That's right. My father... is Bob Barker.

Quote from Barney

Bob Barker: Barney, you have seen your showcase. What do you bid on it?
Barney: [to the audience] Please, please. Please. Let me. 1-8-4-2-1.
[back at the apartment:]
Marshall: I don't even know what we're going to do with a dune buggy, but I want it!
[on TV:]
Bob Barker: And the actual retail price of your showcase is...
Barney: $14,628.
Bob Barker: $14,628. Millie, you are over. Too bad. Barney, you bid $18,421 on your showcase. And the actual retail price of Barney's showcase is... $18,421 exactly right! You win both showcases, Barney. Bob Barker, reminding you, help control the pet...
Barney: Before, before we wrap up the show, there's just something I want to say to you... [long silence] Congratulations on 35 wonderful years hosting The Price Is Right.
Bob Barker: Well, thank you, Barney. Thank you...
Barney: Have your pets spayed or neutered. Goodbye everybody.

Quote from Lily

Future Ted: [v.o.] In the weeks leading up to Aunt Lily & Uncle Marshall's wedding, some weird stuff started happening.
Lily: Why does my stomach hurt?
Marshall: I'm sorry, baby. I ate a bunch of ice cream earlier today.
Lily: Oh, baby, you know we're lactose-intolerant.

Quote from Barney

Lily: Damn it. Nobody's bought us anything cool yet off our registry.
Barney: What's on there?
Lily: Ooh, lots of stuff. Kitchen Aide Artisan Series tilt-head stand mixer...
Barney: Retail price $319.99. What else?
Lily: Um, the Dyson DC17 Animal vacuum.
Barney: Ah, $549.99. A little greedy, don't you think?
Marshall: Did you memorize our registry?
Barney: No, I'm training.
Marshall: Training? For what?
Barney: I'm glad you asked. Ted, Robin, get in here!

Quote from Marshall

Future Ted: [v.o.] Meanwhile, I was testing out my best man toast on Marshall.
Ted: Here goes. "Hello, everyone, I'm Ted Mosby, Marshall's best man." Strong opening, right?
Marshall: That's fantastic.
Ted: "When Marshall graduates this spring, he'll be a lawyer. But did you know that Marshall has a criminal record? That's right, on a road trip up to Cape Cod, Marshall was pulled over for driving by himself in a car pool lane."
[flashback to Marshall driving, seemingly alone, as a police car behind him sounds its sirens]
Marshall: Oh, crap.
Lily: [raising from the seat next to Marshall] Oh, crap.
[back:]
Marshall: Are you crazy? You cannot tell that story at my wedding. My entire family's gonna be there. My little cousins, my mom, my grandma, my grandpa the minister.
Ted: That grandpa died three years ago.
Marshall: His favorite grandson is getting married, Ted. I think he can take a day off from haunting the barn to make an appearance.

Quote from Lily

Lily: [on the phone] It's $300 just to take the bust in? Oh, please, you have to have some sympathy for me. I'm getting married next Saturday, and I'm too skinny for my dress. I lost all this weight without even trying. Hello?
Robin: What happened?
Lily: She called me a bitch and hung up.

Quote from Lily

Lily: Oh, I don't know what to do. I guess I'll just have to pay the $300.
Robin: Pay the $300? Lily, are you crazy? This isn't a problem. It's a license to eat. Look, what have you always wanted to eat but didn't because it was too ridiculously decadent?
Lily: Ooh, a Valrhona chocolate soufflée with a raspberry brandy sauce topped with caramelized bananas and hazelnut gelato.
Robin: I have Cool Whip and half a bag of Fritos.
Lily: Done!

Quote from Marshall

Ted: Okay, think you're gonna be happy with my new toast. There's nothing sexual. It's, uh, it's just the story of an important moment in your relationship.
Marshall: I'm all ears.
Ted: "Hello, everyone, I'm Ted Mosby, Marshall's best man."
Marshall: Nice.
Ted: Right? That's great. Back when we were all freshman and Marshall and Lily were just a few short weeks into their relationship... It was 4:00 in the morning, and I'm not gonna lie, we were a wee bit wasted. We were starving. So I'd gone out to get us some snacks, and when I got back...
[flashback to Lily and Marshall laughing on the floor of their college dorm. Ted returns with snacks, but Lily is looking away from the door when Marshall says this:]
Marshall: [to Ted] I love you.
Lily: I love you, too. I know it's soon to say it, but I'm so glad you did.
Marshall: Yeah. [Ted leaves the room]

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: So here's what you want to talk about in front of my entire family: drinking, having a girl in my room, eating junk food.
Ted: Dude, you're almost 30. Your mom would be mad at you for eating junk food?
Marshall: Yeah, Ted, 'cause nutrition's not important. Also, Lily's never heard that story before. How's she going to react when she finds out the first time I said "I love you" to her, I was actually saying it to you and a bag of Funyuns.
Ted: But who cares? You did love her. And you still do. And you're totally over Funyuns, so it's not weird.

Quote from Ted

Marshall: Hey, Lil.
Lily: Hey.
Ted: Hey? That's it?
Marshall: What are you talking about?
Ted: Well, you guys have been spending the last few nights apart. I figured there'd be a lot of giggling, crying, jumping up and down, and then whatever Lily would do

Quote from Barney

[a montage of flashbacks to Barney talking to Bob Barker on the TV: ]
Young Barney: Look, Dad, I got straight A's!
Young Barney: Hey, Dad, guess who I'm going as for Halloween?
Young Barney: Want to play some catch, Pop?

Quote from Robin

Robin: [slaps Marshall's hand] Drop the popper! Lily has to gain five pounds in a week and a half, and it is my job to help her get there.
Lily: This is the best wedding diet ever.
[later:]
Lily: I lost a pound.
Robin: That is impossible. You ate McDonald's every meal for three days.
Lily: I knew that Super Size Me guy was full of it.
Robin: Well, it must be the wedding stress. We just got to up the intake. Lily Aldrin, drop and give me 20 bites of fudge! Okay? Don't nibble at it. Attack it! Come on, Lily. You can do better than that!
Lily: I can't.
Robin: Well, eat faster, before your body figures out it's full.
Lily: I'm trying.
Robin: Oh, are you gonna cry? You gonna cry? Skinny little baby's gonna cry? Well, eat, damn it, eat!
Lily: Okay!

Quote from Ted

Marshall: That's the worst toast I've ever heard, dude. It's totally boring.
Ted: Exactly. It's impossible to write a good toast with you censoring me, man. I give up. I'm just going to read that thing about Jesus and the footprints.
Lily: I give up, too. I don't care if my dress doesn't fit. I can't eat anymore. I-I feel like my stomach's going to explode.
Marshall: I know.
[two weeks later:]
Ted: And so, Lily and I were both about to give up, but as you can all see, Lily does look beautiful in that dress, and here I am giving a toast. You know, all this time, I'd been wracking my brain trying to pick out the perfect moment to capture Lily and Marshall as a couple. But then I realized the perfect moment wasn't some needle lost in the haystack of their ten years together. The perfect Lily and Marshall moment happened two nights ago.

Quote from Barney

Bob Barker: Here is the next item up for bid!
Rich Fields: [v.o.] Bob, the stylish his-and-her watches feature an 18k gold bezel and crown and stainless steel bands.
Bob Barker: And Barney, what do you bid on that?
Barney: Um... [to the audience] Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Retail price is $1,349.99, so, since you round off, I'll say $1,350, Bob.
Bob Barker: $1,350 for Barney.
[back in the apartment:]
Lily: So, was it $1,350?
Barney: I don't know. Was it? [takes out the his & hers watches]
Lily: Oh, my God.
Barney: Happy wedding.

Quote from Barney

Bob Barker: Barney, you won that camcorder in just one second! That is impressive. I mean impressive.
Barney: Thank you, Bob.
Bob Barker: Now, to win the computer, you're going to have to bid again, and again I will say higher or lower. And let's show the audience the price of the computer, and audience, please, do not try to help us. And the clock will start with your first bid.
Barney: $1 billion.
Bob Barker: Lower.
Barney: So, I brought some photos that I thought you might like to see. This is me on my first birthday.
Bob Barker: Yes, Barney. This is...

Quote from Barney

Bob Barker: That's very nice, but look, the clock is moving. You have only about 16 seconds. Keep bidding.
Barney: No, no, I want you to see this. This is great.
Bob Barker: Keep bidding.
Barney: This is me at my graduation. I know, the hair.
Bob Barker: That, no, that's nice. That's nice. You have only five, four, three, two, one...
Barney: $999.
Bob Barker: Nine... Barney, you got it exactly right!
[back in the apartment:]
Barney: Happy wedding again! [hands them a camcorder and a computer]

Quote from Barney

Barney: I have to be honest, Bob. The big wheel is the only weak part of my game.
Bob Barker: I'm sure you'll do just fine, son.
Barney: Did you just... I'm ready, Bob.
Bob Barker: Do it! Do it! Here we go! He's looking for the dollar. It's going around, and around...
[back in the apartment:]
Ted: Oh, no, you spun it too hard.
Robin: No, he didn't spin it hard enough.
[on TV:]
Bob Barker: Here it comes, Barney. You got it! You won... But Barney, you're not through. Barney, you're not through. You've won $1,000. You've won a place in the showcase. You are doing splendidly so far.
Barney: Thank you, would you, would you say you're proud of me?
Bob Barker: Sure.
[Barney chokes up]

Quote from Barney

Ted: Why didn't you tell him?
Barney: Well, it's just... If you lived your whole life thinking one thing, it would be pretty devastating to find out that wasn't true. I just don't think Bob could have handled it.
Ted: Bob. Yeah. Probably a good choice.
Barney: Anyway, on the bright side. Happy wedding again! [tosses keys to Marshall]
Future Ted: [v.o.] And that's the story of how Uncle Barney gave Lily and Marshall a dune buggy for their wedding.


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