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34Quotes from ‘False Positive’

How I Met Your Mother: False Positive

612. False Positive

Aired December 13, 2010

After Marshall and Lily receive some big news, their friends take another look at their own lives. Meanwhile, Robin considers a change of jobs, and Barney discovers the joys of charity during the Christmas season.

Quote from Barney

Ted: Uh, has it ever occurred to you to give some of this to charity?
Barney: Charity? You're seriously talking to me about charity, dude? I am Mr. Charity. I frequently sleep with sixes, chubsters, over-30s, I am the Bill and Melinda Gates of the sympathy bang.

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Quote from Barney

Future Ted: [v.o.] The next hour got pretty weird.
Barney: Velour tracksuits!
Marshall: Velour is so comfortable.
Lily: These are so soft!
Barney: Remote control helicopters!
Barney: Condoms!
Barney: And last but not least, there is a fleet of limos outside waiting to take us to... a strip club! You get a lap dance! You get a lap dance! You are gonna give me a lap dance! Everybody gets a lap dance!

Quote from Barney

Barney: Hi there. We've had a lot of fun tonight. But on a more serious note, this is the time of year when we remember the importance of giving. And there's no greater gift than the gift of booty. So this holiday season, why not bang someone in need? I'm Barney Stinson, and that's... one to grow on.
Woman: Um, no.
Barney: Hi there. You know, we've had a lot of fun tonight...

Quote from Barney

Barney: Oh, Marshall, you only think you're happy. Just wait. Because tonight... is Barney's favorite things!
[All cheer as disco music starts playing]
Future Ted: [v.o.] That was the reaction Barney expected.
Barney: ...things!
Future Ted: [v.o.] This is the one he got.
Robin: Huh?
Marshall: I don't know what that is.
Barney: Barney's favorite things. I'm gonna give y'all a bunch of free stuff. Like Oprah.
Ted: Oh.
Barney: Just get excited, okay?

Quote from Barney

Barney: Amazing! It was like a diamond suit for my soul. I gotta keep going. I gotta do more.
Ted: No. No. I cannot go back to that strip club. I've seen some things.
Barney: I'm not going back either. I'm takin' the rest of my bonus to God's strip club.
Future Ted: [v.o.] The next day, he paid a visit to the most charitable man he knew, his half-brother's father... Sam Gibbs, a minister at a church out on Long Island.
Barney: Sam... Uh, Father. l-I don't mean Father Father. Unless...
Sam: What's up, Barney?
Barney: I'm thinking about giving some money to charity.
Sam: Is that the name of the stripper you been e-mailing me about? You gotta take me off that list, Barney.
Barney: No, I don't mean that Charity. That Charity is doin' Peachy. You'll see pics of the two of 'em in next week's e-mail. What up!
Sam: Barney, I'm a minister. Unsubscribe.

Quote from Barney

Barney: And there's more. Do you still do that thing where you give people in need clothes for job interviews?
Sam: Yeah. Why?
Barney: Bring 'em in, boys.
[A team of delivery guys bring in racks of Barney's suits]
Barney: Merry Christmas.
Sam: Thank you, son.
Barney: Son?
Sam: It's just an expression. I'm still not your dad.

Quote from Lily

Future Ted: [v.o.] In December of 2010, my friends and I decided to go see It's a Wonderful Life on the big screen. It seemed like something we all needed. After all, it had been a crazy couple days. It all started with a pregnancy test.
Marshall: This is taking forever. Are you sure you did it right?
Lily: Is there a wrong way to pee on a stick?

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: Hey, can I ask you a question that's plagued me for years? Can girls aim?
Lily: Um, can boys aim? 'Cause it seems to me like I'm takin' a mop to that bathroom floor every two days.
Marshall: Okay, you're the one who put the Far Side calendar up over the toilet. You know I laugh with my whole body.

Quote from Barney

Lily: I'm pregnant.
Robin: What?
Barney: I've never seen that woman before in my life. [running out] Sorry. Force of habit. Congratulations!

Quote from Robin

Robin: So now because of that incident, Heads or Tails is looking for a new... "currency rotation specialist."
Ted: You mean "coin flip bimbo"?
Robin: They're not bimbos.
Ted: You auditioned, didn't you?
[flashback to Robin flipping a coin in front of Alex Trebek, who has a band-aid over one eye:]
Alex Trebek: And you're Canadian?
Robin: Mm-hmm.
Alex Trebek: Robin, aside from that coin, this is the other thing that's flipping right now. What is my lid for you?

Quote from Robin

Ted: I thought you finally got that interview at World Wide News.
Robin: Well, I did. But they only offered me a boring, low-paid, off-camera research job.
Ted: Which could be a stepping stone to bigger things in your career.
Robin: So could Heads or Tails. The first currency rotation specialist... went on to be a semifinalist
on The Bachelor. And then she lost, like, a hundred pounds on The Biggest Loser. And now she's totally winning Celebrity Rehab.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Hey, guys. A yuletide riddle. What is my second-favorite word that begins with B-O-N?
Ted: Bon Jovi?
Barney: What is my third-favorite word that begins with B-O-N? [imitates buzzer] "Bonus." As in my end-of-the-year bonus check.
Ted: My God! Barney, I work for GNB too. All I got was a $15 gift card to Costa Coffee.
Barney: And you earned it, buddy. Check out what I'm gonna buy for myself. The Dibiase. See those pinstripes, diamonds. It is the uppest a person could ever suit.


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