Future Ted: [v.o.] The next hour got pretty weird.
Barney: Velour tracksuits!
Marshall: Velour is so comfortable.
Lily: These are so soft!
Barney: Remote control helicopters!
Barney: Condoms!
Barney: And last but not least, there is a fleet of limos outside waiting to take us to... a strip club! You get a lap dance! You get a lap dance! You are gonna give me a lap dance! Everybody gets a lap dance!

Ted: Uh, has it ever occurred to you to give some of this to charity?
Barney: Charity? You're seriously talking to me about charity, dude? I am Mr. Charity. I frequently sleep with sixes, chubsters, over-30s, I am the Bill and Melinda Gates of the sympathy bang.

Barney: Hi there. We've had a lot of fun tonight. But on a more serious note, this is the time of year when we remember the importance of giving. And there's no greater gift than the gift of booty. So this holiday season, why not bang someone in need? I'm Barney Stinson, and that's... one to grow on.
Woman: Um, no.
Barney: Hi there. You know, we've had a lot of fun tonight...

Robin: So now because of that incident, Heads or Tails is looking for a new... "currency rotation specialist."
Ted: You mean "coin flip bimbo"?
Robin: They're not bimbos.
Ted: You auditioned, didn't you?
[flashback to Robin flipping a coin in front of Alex Trebek, who has a band-aid over one eye:]
Alex Trebek: And you're Canadian?
Robin: Mm-hmm.
Alex Trebek: Robin, aside from that coin, this is the other thing that's flipping right now. What is my lid for you?

Future Ted: [v.o.] In December of 2010, my friends and I decided to go see It's a Wonderful Life on the big screen. It seemed like something we all needed. After all, it had been a crazy couple days. It all started with a pregnancy test.
Marshall: This is taking forever. Are you sure you did it right?
Lily: Is there a wrong way to pee on a stick?

Marshall: Hey, can I ask you a question that's plagued me for years? Can girls aim?
Lily: Um, can boys aim? 'Cause it seems to me like I'm takin' a mop to that bathroom floor every two days.
Marshall: Okay, you're the one who put the Far Side calendar up over the toilet. You know I laugh with my whole body.

Lily: I'm pregnant.
Robin: What?
Barney: I've never seen that woman before in my life. [running out] Sorry. Force of habit. Congratulations!

Ted: I thought you finally got that interview at World Wide News.
Robin: Well, I did. But they only offered me a boring, low-paid, off-camera research job.
Ted: Which could be a stepping stone to bigger things in your career.
Robin: So could Heads or Tails. The first currency rotation specialist... went on to be a semifinalist
on The Bachelor. And then she lost, like, a hundred pounds on The Biggest Loser. And now she's totally winning Celebrity Rehab.

Barney: Hey, guys. A yuletide riddle. What is my second-favorite word that begins with B-O-N?
Ted: Bon Jovi?
Barney: What is my third-favorite word that begins with B-O-N? [imitates buzzer] "Bonus." As in my end-of-the-year bonus check.
Ted: My God! Barney, I work for GNB too. All I got was a $15 gift card to Costa Coffee.
Barney: And you earned it, buddy. Check out what I'm gonna buy for myself. The Dibiase. See those pinstripes, diamonds. It is the uppest a person could ever suit.

Barney: Oh, Marshall, you only think you're happy. Just wait. Because tonight... is Barney's favorite things!
[All cheer as disco music starts playing]
Future Ted: [v.o.] That was the reaction Barney expected.
Barney: ...things!
Future Ted: [v.o.] This is the one he got.
Robin: Huh?
Marshall: I don't know what that is.
Barney: Barney's favorite things. I'm gonna give y'all a bunch of free stuff. Like Oprah.
Ted: Oh.
Barney: Just get excited, okay?