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33Quotes from ‘The Poker Game’

How I Met Your Mother: The Poker Game

905. The Poker Game

Aired October 14, 2013

Things get heated between Robin and Barney's family when she wins a poker game. Meanwhile, Ted and Marshall argue over a long history of missed wedding gifts and thank-you notes.

Quote from James

James: Barney. Here's a good one. What's the difference between a Journey song and a husband? A Journey song has a climax. Ha, ha. I'm sorry, Robin. I'm just messing with you. Raise a hundred.
Robin: No, it's fine. It's just funny hearing all this anti-marriage stuff from a divorced guy who still wears his wedding ring.
James: What, this? Only wear it because nothing attracts a gay guy faster than a wedding ring. Except saying hi to him. Or being in the same room. Or every app on my phone. People, it is a good time to be gay.

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Quote from Marshall

Marshall: Ooh! Chicago, there is this pizza place called Gazzola's, it's fantastic. It was closed for a while, but reopened.
Daphne: I'm sure they got a Godzilla's in New York. We're not stopping. It's just pizza.
Marshall: Just pizza? Let me tell you about the thing you say is just pizza. We begin with the first bite. Oh, the crunch. And then the marinara, that roiling lava of tomato and oregano, it overtakes you. I'm falling. And that's when she catches you. That chewy, voluptuous mistress, mozzarella. Her oven-kissed cheeks crackle with warmth in your mouth, cradling the sauce and the bread, letting you know that from now on... this is home. This pizza... is home.
Daphne: If it was so delicious, why'd they close it in the first place?
Marshall: Rats.
Daphne: We're not stopping!
Marshall: This road trip sucks!

Quote from Loretta

Loretta: You get your brother's ring back.
Barney: Mom, please don't make me take sides.
Loretta: That's your brother out there. You two shared bunk beds and baseball mitts, and when you were hungry, these supple breasts... Arguably a little too long. Stinsons stand up for each other. Take care of this. I'm gonna play some cards. All right, chumps. I'm gonna tell you what I told Frampton's guitar tech when he couldn't find a condom. Let's gamble.

Quote from Marshall

Ted: And I thought for sure you'd get it when I sent that note for the wrapping station.
[flashback:]
Ted: [writing] "Dear Marshall and Lily, this is a thank-you note to thank you for the gift-wrapping station. Because even though the wedding never happened, there's one thing that didn't leave me at the altar and that's my manners."
[present:]
Marshall: I can't believe this. Eriksens send thank-you notes. It's the one thing that we always do. We even have a family saying about it: "Lick it before you stick it." "It" being the stamp on the thank-you note before you stick it in the mailbox. I will make this right.

Quote from Ted

Ted: Oh. That's Marshall. I should take this. Well, call me Akira Yoshizawa. World's most famous origamist? I fold.

Quote from Ted

Robin: Hey, Ted, thanks again for your gift. He gave us a framed photo of all of us at the bar. And he's getting us two other wedding gifts.
Ted: What can I say? I just love giving wedding gifts. I love giving wedding gifts so much I wish I could marry giving wedding gifts and then get myself and giving wedding gifts a wedding gift. Maybe saying things like that's why I'm not married.

Quote from Marshall

Future Ted: But I didn't get it. More months passed. His hints got more desperate.
[flashback to a few more months after the wedding:]
Marshall: Happy Halloween.
Ted: What are you supposed to be?
Marshall: Well, I'm a wedding present, Ted. How could you not get me a wedding present? I mean, how could you not get that I am a wedding present? Get me? A wedding present. Get me a wedding present.
[later that night, at MacLaren's:]
Marshall: Why isn't he getting it?
Lily: I don't know, why didn't you get the message to dress up like a pregnant teenager, home skillet?

Quote from Lily

Future Ted: [v.o.] But he kept on waiting. Until the summer of 2008 when I got engaged.
[flashback to a year and a half after the wedding:]
Marshall: So Ted's getting married, huh? Bet he'd love a gift from his old pal Marshall. Well, he can forget it.
Lily: We're getting them a gift.
Marshall: But Lily, this is the dream. The whole reason we wanted Ted to get married. So we could not give him a gift and he would know exactly how it feels.
Lily: Baby, I'm as pissed as you are, but we're getting them a gift. We have to.
Marshall: Fine. We'll get them a gift. A gift that'll send a message loud and clear. A gift-wrapping station. Oh, boy, this time he has to get it.
Future Ted: And not long after that, a package arrived.
[flashback to a month later:]
Marshall: Well, well, well, package from one Mr. Ted Mosby. It's a little late, but... What the balls is this?
Lily: It's a thank-you note for the gift-wrapping station.
[present:]
Future Ted: Which explains the face.
Lily: [angrily] Wedding gift.

Quote from Ted

Marshall: [on the phone] You, Ted Mosby, never got me and Lily a wedding gift. J'accuse!
Ted: I did too get you a gift. It was a coffeemaker. And you never sent me a thank-you note.
Marshall: Oh. So me-cuse?
Ted: You-cuse.

Quote from Ted

Marshall: [on the phone] You gave us a coffeemaker?
Ted: Not just a coffeemaker. I asked what they used at your favorite coffeehouse, and got you that exact one-tier-down model. And you know what you got me? Huh? [v.o.] No thank-you note. So I started dropping hints about it.
[flashback to six years earlier:]
Ted: Do I detect a note of hazelnut?
Marshall: Wedding present.
Ted: Kind of wanna say thank you to that note of hazelnut. Thank you, note.
Marshall: Ha, ha. Wedding present.
Ted: Anyway. Thank-you note. [later] Yeah, he got it.
[present:]
Ted: But you never got it. I drank so much coffee that year hoping you'd take the hint, my resting pulse was like the drum solo from "Wipe Out."

Quote from Barney

Barney: Not good, Robin. Very not good. How do you keep winning, anyway?
Robin: Well, to the keen observer, all of you Stinsons have the same very subtle tell. Whenever you're bluffing, you say the word "bluff."
[flashback:]
James: Hey, I'm hungry, should we get some bluffalo wings? Raise you 20.
Loretta: When I walked in, I saw an all-you-can-eat bluffet. Raise 50.
Barney: Mm. I could use a bluffberry muffin. A blueberry bluffin. Sorry. A bluebluffy muffbluff. All in.

Quote from Barney

Barney: So I went to give James his ring back?
[flashback:]
James: Glad you came to your senses. You can't let being married keep you from being you. It's like Tom, always telling me I spend too much time at the gym.
Barney: Exactly. Is it wrong if you wanna work out a couple times a week?
James: Right? Or a couple times a day?
Barney: Or a couple times...? A couple times a day? Really?
James: A few hours before work, a few hours after. Only way to keep up the chocolate xylophone. [mimicking xylophone]
Barney: Still, that's a lot of time at the gym. Especially with two kids.
James: It's like I always said to Tom. I've gotta stay in shape in case I'm ever single again. And, hello, I was right.
Barney: Oh, my God. I think I finally understand what Lily was mumbling in my peripheral vision earlier. I'm marrying Robin so I can be part of a team. Not just some guy alone at a gym with admittedly amazing abs.
James: Thanks, bro.
Barney: No. Thank you, bro. You're not getting this ring.

Quote from Barney

Barney: I am always gonna have your back. No matter what.
Robin: Thank you. I love you.
Barney: I love you too. Mm, oh! I didn't tell you the best part. There's more.
Robin: Really?
[flashback:]
Barney: James, let me spell this out for you. Now that I've got Robin, we are not brothers anymore.
[present:]
Robin: What?
Barney: Uh-huh.
[flashback:]
Barney: If you and Robin are both ever hanging from a cliff and I have one hand free? Enjoy the fall. Bye-bye. If you... Oh, Mom, good, you should hear this too. This mother-son thing, it's over. It's been a nice few decades, but I've got a wife now, so you mean nothing to me. Oh, and me coming over for Thanksgiving and Christmas? That's done. No more of that. And you know why? Because Robin said so. This came directly from her. See you, losers. [smashes a vase]


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