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29Quotes from ‘Knight Vision’

How I Met Your Mother: Knight Vision

906. Knight Vision

Aired October 21, 2013

Barney lines up three potential mates for Ted over the wedding weekend, but will he choose wisely? Meanwhile, Barney and Robin are caught in a lie by their minister, and Daphne helps Marshall prepare his case as he gets ready to tell Lily about his job offer.

Quote from Lily

Reverend: Well, I talked to Barney and Robin and let me say, I am shocked.
Lily: You should be.
Reverend: Flat-out lying to me like that?
Lily: We are not misunderstanding each other.
Reverend: How dare you pretend their beautiful story is actually your own?
Lily: Come again for Lil' Fudge?

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Quote from Barney

Ted: Look at this, your wedding weekend.
Barney: I know, this close to finally having sex again. It's been forever.
Ted: Oh, you and Robin been abstaining?
Barney: Talking about you, Ted. Here's the deal. Every hookup at a weekend wedding is decided at Friday night drinks. Get stuck with the wrong girl tonight, the only action you'll get all weekend is a self-five. And I don't mean the cool kind. [laughs] Self-five. That's the cool kind.

Quote from Barney

Ted: Huh. It's a big decision.
Barney: The biggest. It brings to mind that religious text which we hold most sacred. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.
[fantasy scene of Ted as Indiana Jones and Ted as a collaborator:]
Barney: Remember? They entered a chamber.
Ted: Really? I'm the one working with the Nazis?
Barney: Ted... Just... Just... Okay? They had to choose which cup was this special cup. I forget what it was called,
it was like the Holy Grail of cups.
Ted: It was the Holy Grail.
Barney: Of cups, exactly. So the Nazi confederate chose, and...
Ted: Don't make me do that, I'd rather...
Barney: Ted, Ted, the confederate Nazi chose and...
Ted: Okay. Okay. And now I'm gonna explode.
Knight Templar: He chose poorly.
Barney: Then Indy picked a cup, and...
Knight Templar: You chose wisely.
[Barney starts playing guitar and rocking out with girls in bikinis]
[reality:]
Barney: So choose wisely, Ted.

Quote from Barney

Barney: To help you decide, I spent all day yesterday picking your top three prospects.
Robin: And I helped. It was either that or writing our vows. Ugh. Gag.
Barney: Sophia was Robin's college roommate. And she's apparently "a bit of a screamer in the sack."
Robin: Yeah, mid-sex, she sounds exactly like a car alarm from the '90s. You know: [mimicking car alarm] Dudes love it.
Barney: Cassie is the daughter of my mom's best friend. Sad story, 12 years ago, her gymnast career was tragically cut short... when her boobs got too big. Grace is a new co-worker. She's had six different positions at the firm. And that was just at the Christmas party. So Grace doesn't arrive till later, I recommend Sophia. I strongly feel that you should strongly feel her. [high-fives Robin]

Quote from Robin

Robin: Okay, we really wanted him to marry us. His church has cute coming out the wazoo. But when we met with him...
[flashback:]
Reverend: No pets in my church. No casual attire in my church. No gum. No sports logos, particularly the Orlando Magic.
Barney: Reverend? More like never-end. Prayer five.
Reverend: No shouting. No cell phones. I'll warn you that I turn down most wedding requests. Particularly from boozy, promiscuous Manhattanites, who only want me to marry them because my church has "cute" coming out the wazoo.
Barney: People are like that?
Robin: That is the total opposite of us.

Quote from Barney

[flashback:]
Reverend: Well, then, how did you two meet?
Barney: Oh, um, um... We've been dating since college.
Robin: We met the very first week. I needed help hooking up my stereo, so I walked down the hall and I just knew that I should knock on this one door.
Barney: I opened the door and it was destiny.
Both: We've been together ever since.
[present:]
Lily: You stole our story of how we met?
Barney: We had to. Your story is so sweet. You didn't even kiss till the third date. By our third date, I'd hit more bases than Bob Hope on a USO tour.
Lily: Topical.

Quote from Marshall

Daphne: Marshall, you're walking into the biggest fight of your life. You have to be prepared. You have to be tough.
Marshall: I am tough.
Daphne: No, you're not.
Marshall: You make good points.
Daphne: Now, what exactly are you gonna say to Lily when you walk through that door?
Marshall: Okay.
[fantasy:]
Marshall: Hey, baby. So, listen, I got this phone call...
[back:]
Daphne: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You haven't seen her in a week. Where's the, "I missed you"? How about a kiss? Nothing about her new hairstyle?
Marshall: Hairstyle? I can't actually see...
Daphne: Start over.

Quote from Marshall

[fantasy:]
Marshall: Lily. Hi. I missed you and your hairstyle so much.
Daphne: [voicing Lily] I missed you too.
Marshall: Okay, so, I know that you're excited for Rome.
Daphne: I'm more excited for bed tonight.
Marshall: While I was away, uh, I got a phone call to be a judge.
Daphne: What the damn hell?
[reality:]
Marshall: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Lily does not say, "What the damn hell?"
Daphne: Well, I've never met her, but, yes, she does.
Marshall: Well, you make some good points.

Quote from Lily

Reverend: I understand the temptation. They're such a sweet couple. I mean, the way they call each other Barnmallow and Robinpad.
Lily: Yes, I do steal their stories. But only because my husband and I are so ashamed of how we met. [v.o.] See, we only met because his friend Ted fell in love with me. And who could blame him?
[fantasy:]
Ted: Hey, Marshall, see that girl?
Marshall: Oh, yeah. You just know she likes it dirty. Go say hi.
Ted: Well, I can't go say hi. I need a plan. I'm gonna wait till she goes to the bathroom.
Marshall: Hi. Have you met Ted?
Ted: Hi.
Marshall: I'm sorry, I can't... [kisses Lily]
[reality:]
Lily: And now, after years of lying, cheating, and back-sliding, here we are, married. But what can I say? My husband's a sociopath who's slept with over a hundred women, and I'm a slut who once let my boss feel me up.
Barney: Oh, come on, it is over 250 women.
Robin: I felt him up!

Quote from Barney

Ted: Hey, guys. How's your night going?
Barney: Ugh. Our minister just died.
Robin: We can use the church, but we only have two days to find a new officiant.
Barney: Unless... Wedding at Bernie's."
Robin: We're not doing "Wedding at Bernie's."


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