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43Quotes from ‘The Perfect Week’

How I Met Your Mother: The Perfect Week

514. The Perfect Week

Aired February 1, 2010

As Barney waits for an important meeting, he fantasizes about being interviewed by Jim Nantz, telling the story of his attempt at a "perfect week" - hooking up with seven women across seven days.

Quote from Future Ted

Marshall: Here you go, guys, the official hat of Barney's Perfect Week. I was gonna do shirts, but then you have to guess sizes, and feelings get hurt. It's a mess.
Lily: In commemoration of Barney's induction into the Hall of Game, this tie worn on the seventh night of his Perfect Week is hereby retired.
Marshall: May Barney's heroic feat be remembered and spoken of for generations to come.
Ted: I'm totally gonna sit my kids down one day, and tell them about the time Uncle Barney nailed seven chicks in a row. [all laugh]
Future Ted: [v.o.] Am I a bad dad?

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Quote from Barney

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, we all have different ways of dealing with nerves.
Woman: It'll just be a few more minutes, Mr. Stinson.
Future Ted: Some people chew their nails. Some people tap their feet. And some people imagine they're being
interviewed by renowned sportscaster, Jim Nantz.
Jim Nantz: Hello, friends. Every sport has had an icon who transcends the game. Boxing had Ali, basketball had Jordan, and the sport of sleeping with random hotties has my next guest, Mr. Barney Stinson. Barney, welcome.
Barney: Thanks, Jim. Great to be back on the show.
Jim Nantz: Good to have you with us. And, you know, the stats, they really speak for themselves. Over 200 women, spanning six continents, 17 nationalities, 74 sexual positions, and not a single fatty. Hey ,it's impressive. And with all these accomplishments though, there's one laurel that's always eluded you, which brings us to last week. What was the story there?
Barney: Buckle up, Jimbo. This one's a doozy.

Quote from Barney

Jim Nantz: So, night one was pretty routine?
Barney: Jim, there's nothing routine about the way I get down.
Jim Nantz: Respect. Take us to night two.
[night two at MacLaren's:]
Barney: See that hotty over there nursing a Black Russian? She's about to chase that with a white American. Up top! [nobody high-fives Barney] You know, if you're not careful, you're gonna lose me.

Quote from Ted

Ted: Well, let him down easy. People are fragile. Sometimes without even meaning to, you might rip someone's beating heart out and stomp on it in a roomful of 26 people and a teacher's assistant.
Lily: How did school go today, Ted?
Ted: Something bad happened. It was the first class of the new semester.
[flashback to Ted's class:]
Ted: Jamie Adamic? Hi. Brian Glowatz, Glowatz? Hi. Well done. Adding a fake name to the sign-up sheet. That's real original, guys. You know, I'd expect inspired minds such as yours to be a little more mature and, frankly, more creative. I mean, seriously, what kind of a fake name is Cook Pu?
Cook Pu: Here.
Ted: Come on, guys. It's gotta at least sound real. Cook Pu?
Cook Pu: Here.
Ted: Whatever happened to classics, right. You know, Seymour Butts? Hugh Gerection? Those were fake names. But Cook Pu?
Cook Pu: [crying] Here.
Ted: Cook Pu!
Jamie: She's back here, bro.

Quote from Ted

Ted: All right, come on. Let me have it. Bring on all the Cook Pu jokes.
Lily: Oh, we're not gonna make jokes, Ted. That girl must be really down in the dumps.
Marshall: You really smeared the Pu name.
Ted: You guys finished?
Robin: Are you asking us if all the Pu is out of our system?

Quote from Barney

Lily: Wow, back-to-back nights. Barney is on fire.
Robin: [sighs] That girl's lucky. Barney was the best sex I ever had.
Ted: And he's the best friend I've ever had.
Lily: He's everything I want Marshall to be.
Marshall: He's everything I wish I could be.
[back to Barney imagining being interviewed by Jim Nantz:]
Barney: I'm just assuming that's what they say when I'm not around.
Jim Nantz: I buy it. You're awesome.

Quote from Lily

[flashback to Lily and Marshall having a double date in their apartment:]
Danny: And Joanna's toothbrush flips off the side of the sink, hits the ceiling and falls right into the toilet. [all laughing]
Marshall: Come on. That's crazy. Last week, the same thing happened to our toothbrush. [laughter stops]
Joanna: "Our" toothbrush?
[at MacLaren's:]
Ted: "Our" toothbrush?
[Barney's fantasy:]
Jim Nantz: "Our" toothbrush?
[back:]
Lily: Yeah.
Danny: Like, one toothbrush?
[MacLaren's:]
Robin: That you both use?
[fantasy:]
Jim Nantz: Every day?
[back:]
Lily: Is that weird?
[split-screen:]
Ted, Robin, Jim Nantz, Danny & Joanna: Super weird.

Quote from Ted

Ted: Marshall, four out of five dentists just threw up in their mouths.

Quote from Barney

Barney: The Perfect Week. Seven nights, seven girls, zero rejections.
Jim Nantz: Incredible. I mean, it's really like the sexual equivalent of baseball's perfect game. But even rarer.
Barney: Yeah. The only player in history to have ever achieved both was Mustache Pete Drexel, back in 1896.
[A photo of an old-timey baseball player that looks like Barney with a mustache is shown]
Jim Nantz: Now this wasn't the first time you'd come close to a Perfect Week. You learn the hard way, though. One mistake, and it's all over. [v.o.] Sometimes, a teammate makes an error. Sometimes, one wild pitch leads to a walk. And sometimes, you just lose focus, and it almost always leads to a hit. [back] But this week, you were three-for-three, with no sign of slowing down.
Barney: I could do no wrong. Wish I could say the same for my friends.

Quote from Ted

Ted: Yeah. When did you guys even start doing that anyway?
Marshall: Like, years ago. You should know. We lived with you.
Ted: Yeah, but you always kept your toothbrush in the bedroom. Also weird, by the way.
Lily: No, we kept it in the bathroom.
Ted: No. There was only one toothbrush in the bathroom, and it was mine.
[A look of grim realization crosses Ted, Lily and Marshall's faces]
Robin: Wait. Are you saying that for eight years, all three of you shared one toothbrush?
Lily: Oh, my God.
Ted: Kill me!
Robin: I love this so much!

Quote from Barney

Jim Nantz: Barney, we gotta stop you for a second. There's something I have to ask. Have you ever used performance-enhancing drugs?
Barney: No, sir. I respect the game too much. Although, I can't say I haven't been offered.
[flashback to a Barney with a contented Lily and Marshall in their apartment:]
Marshall: Dude, it was pretty awesome. You should try it. I have some more.
Barney: No, thanks.
Marshall: You sure? All right. Suit yourself. What time is it?
Barney: It's 8:00.
Marshall: 8:00? [counts on fingers, then stands up with a cushion held to his crotch] I need to go to the hospital.
[back:]
Barney: I've never touched the stuff. You can test me if you want to, Nantz.
Jim Nantz: Barney, I trust you. I regret I even asked you the question, okay.

Quote from Barney

Jim Nantz: Let's go to night six. Two girls away from perfection.
[night six at Ted and Robin's apartment as Barney enters:]
Ted: Hey. Hey. Dude, what are you doing here? Get down to the bar.
Barney: Ted, relax. I'm already six-for-six.
Ted: Really?
Barney: Yeah. I was lunching at Tavern on the Green. I started chatting up this Swedish supermodel. Next thing you know, I'm playing a day game in the back of a horse-drawn carriage. Giddy-what-up. [imitates horse neighing, stamps]
Ted: Awesome. What really happened?
Barney: I had lunch at a Staten Island Chili's and banged a drunk hairdresser. Are you happy, Truthy McGee?

Quote from Robin

Ted: So, today, one of my students told me Cook is dropping my class.
Marshall: Oh, my God. Pu dropped out?
Robin: She is flushing her education down the toilet.

Quote from Barney

Jim Nantz: Unbelievable. You know, there's two things you don't do. One, you don't open an e-mail from Phil Simms in front of your kids. And two, you don't jinx a man going for a Perfect Week.
Barney: I don't know what to tell you. Lily's always messing with me.
Jim Nantz: I think she has a thing for the Barnacle.
Barney: You're a keen observer of the human condition, Jim Nantz.

Quote from Robin

Robin: No, I'm not seeing it.
Lily: Okay, let me try to Canada this up for you, eh? How would you react if one of those Cachuck guys with the skates and the sticks walked in here?
Robin: Lily, if one of the Vancouver Canucks walked in here, my panties would drop so hard there would be a hole in the floor halfway to China.
Ted: That's what it's like with the Yankees.
Robin: Barney's screwed.

Quote from Barney

Woman: What do you say we go back to my place?
Barney: [chuckles] Wow, to be honest, I don't normally do that, but I feel a real connection here, Seven. Christy. Please. I did it! [all cheer] I did it!
[back to Barney imagining being interviewed by Jim Nantz:]
Jim Nantz: Amazing! Congratulations on your Perfect Week.
Barney: Thanks, Jim. I couldn't have done it without my teammates.
Jim Nantz: Hey, on to a new topic. Do you really think you might get fired today?
Barney: [stammering] Jim, I... I told you I don't want to talk about that.
Jim Nantz: Barney, I'm a figment of your imagination, so, apparently, you do. Think about that.
[Jim Nantz disappears in a poof of smoke]
Barney: What a jerk!
Jim Nantz: [reappears] You're a jerk. [disappears]

Quote from Ted

Wendy: Take-out order for Cook Pu. We have a number two over here for Cook Pu.
Ted: You guys got Wendy saying it now? Come on, okay, I get it. Cook Pu is a stupid name, and it gets stupider and stupider the more you say it. Cook Pu. Cook Pu. Cook Pu.
Cook Pu: Here.


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