Ted: What the hell happened on that train? It was absolute chaos.
Barney: Ted, when I was at M.I.T., my favorite Einstein quote was: "God doesn't play dice with the universe."
Ted: You didn't go to M.I.T.
Barney: I didn't?
Ted: Huh. I actually have no idea where you went to college. Who are you?

Future Ted: [v.o.] That night, Barney and I found ourselves in a strange, new universe called... The Drunk Train.
Barney: Where has this heavenly vehicle been all my life? Can you hear its inspiring chant, Ted? I think I can get laid, I think I can get laid. It's-it's The Little Engine with Wood, The Whore-ient Express. The Long Island Tail Road!
Ted: Oh, I got one. Thomas the Spank Engine!
Barney: Ted, that is a children's book.

Barney: I was all, "Do I look like I'm from Ronkonkoma?!"
All: Oh...!
Barney: That's all you gotta say!
Ted: Oh, oh, oh, big man with a briefcase! What do you think, you're better than me?!

Barney: If we analyze the seemingly random patterns of the train, taking into account standard deviation, and assuming that epsilon approaches zero as angle delta approaches pi, we can conclude...
Ted: [snores]
Barney: Damn it, Ted! I was about to drop some sweet word play about logarithms and getting into a rhythm with my log. I'll remember it.

Lily: Sorry this is taking so long. He kicked for everybody else.
Marshall: It's hard for the little guy to perform under pressure.
Barney: Top ten things Marshall said on his wedding night.
Kevin: Whoa! It was small, but I think I felt something.
Robin: Top ten things Lily said on her wedding night.
Marshall: Stop laughing at it, Lily.
Ted, Barney & Robin: Top ten things Marshall said on his wedding night!

Quinn: Wow! You have Enormous Penis Syndrome? I've never heard of that.
Barney: Yeah. That's the problem with E.P.S.: lack of awareness. That's why I'm organizing a 10K fun-run. Of course, many of us will need wheelbarrows.
Quinn: You are so brave.
Barney: And you are so understanding. Most people just stare at me like I'm some kind of freak in reinforced underwear.
Quinn: Poor, baby. I can't imagine what you're going through because I never wear underwear.
Barney: Jackpot!
Quinn: You want to get out of here?
Barney: Oh, I don't know. This is all moving kind of fast. Okay.
Quinn: Oh, but before we go, I should mention my condition. It's called: I'm Not a Gullible Dumbass Disorder.
Barney: As the former Surgeon General, I've got to say, I don't think that's the real thing.
Quinn: Okay, just stop. You have no chance with me. We're just here as backups for our friends.
Barney: Hey, how did you two meet, anyway?
Quinn: No, we're not doing that first date dance where you pretend everything I say is fascinating, thinking it'll somehow get you into my pants.

Kevin: Gotcha, loud and clear. Don't keep score.
Lily: Because if we did, then Marshall would owe me for killing my cousin's dog.
Marshall: How did I know that he would eat my wallet?
Lily: Why was your wallet filled with chocolate?!
Marshall: So we're back to this argument!

Barney: Ted! Ted! Ted! I thought of some new great names for the Drunk Train. Slamtrak!
Ted: Uh-huh.
Barney: The Chatta-Nookie Choo-Choo! Thomas the Spank Engine!
Ted: I said that one yesterday.
Barney: I don't think you did.

Ted: Wow. Someone's had some coffee.
Barney: Yeah. 18 cups! There is no way I'm falling asleep tonight! That Quinn girl is so wrong. She said I could never love anything, but I love this train!
Ted: She said you could never love anything? That's intense.
Barney: Oh, you have no idea.
[flashback:]
Quinn: Stop staring. Not gonna happen.
Barney: Is there any way we can start over and get to know each other?
Quinn: I already know you.
Barney: Oh, really?
Quinn: You wear a suit all the time.
Barney: Obviously.
Quinn: You have a stupid rule about everything.
Barney: I pay for the meal, you handle my deal. That's just good manners.
Quinn: But you end most nights alone at a strip club, feeling empty inside, telling yourself your life is somehow epic or classic or... legendary.
Barney: I never say epic or classic. Do you practice the dark arts?

Barney: I have never been more proud of you.
Ted: Come on.
Barney: Ted, tonight is gonna be epic- wait for it - dary! Wait. No, that's not it. How do I usually say it? Gah, I hate this Quinn girl!