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37Quotes from ‘The Drunk Train’

How I Met Your Mother: The Drunk Train

716. The Drunk Train

Aired February 13, 2012

Kevin and Robin join Marshall and Lily on a couple's weekend in Vermont. Meanwhile, Barney meets a woman who sees through his schtick.

Quote from Barney

Ted: What the hell happened on that train? It was absolute chaos.
Barney: Ted, when I was at M.I.T., my favorite Einstein quote was: "God doesn't play dice with the universe."
Ted: You didn't go to M.I.T.
Barney: I didn't?
Ted: Huh. I actually have no idea where you went to college. Who are you?

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Quote from Barney

Future Ted: [v.o.] That night, Barney and I found ourselves in a strange, new universe called... The Drunk Train.
Barney: Where has this heavenly vehicle been all my life? Can you hear its inspiring chant, Ted? I think I can get laid, I think I can get laid. It's-it's The Little Engine with Wood, The Whore-ient Express. The Long Island Tail Road!
Ted: Oh, I got one. Thomas the Spank Engine!
Barney: Ted, that is a children's book.

Quote from Ted

Barney: I was all, "Do I look like I'm from Ronkonkoma?!"
All: Oh...!
Barney: That's all you gotta say!
Ted: Oh, oh, oh, big man with a briefcase! What do you think, you're better than me?!

Quote from Marshall

Lily: Sorry this is taking so long. He kicked for everybody else.
Marshall: It's hard for the little guy to perform under pressure.
Barney: Top ten things Marshall said on his wedding night.
Kevin: Whoa! It was small, but I think I felt something.
Robin: Top ten things Lily said on her wedding night.
Marshall: Stop laughing at it, Lily.
Ted, Barney & Robin: Top ten things Marshall said on his wedding night!

Quote from Barney

Quinn: Wow! You have Enormous Penis Syndrome? I've never heard of that.
Barney: Yeah. That's the problem with E.P.S.: lack of awareness. That's why I'm organizing a 10K fun-run. Of course, many of us will need wheelbarrows.
Quinn: You are so brave.
Barney: And you are so understanding. Most people just stare at me like I'm some kind of freak in reinforced underwear.
Quinn: Poor, baby. I can't imagine what you're going through because I never wear underwear.
Barney: Jackpot!
Quinn: You want to get out of here?
Barney: Oh, I don't know. This is all moving kind of fast. Okay.
Quinn: Oh, but before we go, I should mention my condition. It's called: I'm Not a Gullible Dumbass Disorder.
Barney: As the former Surgeon General, I've got to say, I don't think that's the real thing.
Quinn: Okay, just stop. You have no chance with me. We're just here as backups for our friends.
Barney: Hey, how did you two meet, anyway?
Quinn: No, we're not doing that first date dance where you pretend everything I say is fascinating, thinking it'll somehow get you into my pants.

Quote from Marshall

Kevin: Gotcha, loud and clear. Don't keep score.
Lily: Because if we did, then Marshall would owe me for killing my cousin's dog.
Marshall: How did I know that he would eat my wallet?
Lily: Why was your wallet filled with chocolate?!
Marshall: So we're back to this argument!

Quote from Barney

Barney: Ted! Ted! Ted! I thought of some new great names for the Drunk Train. Slamtrak!
Ted: Uh-huh.
Barney: The Chatta-Nookie Choo-Choo! Thomas the Spank Engine!
Ted: I said that one yesterday.
Barney: I don't think you did.

Quote from Barney

Ted: Wow. Someone's had some coffee.
Barney: Yeah. 18 cups! There is no way I'm falling asleep tonight! That Quinn girl is so wrong. She said I could never love anything, but I love this train!
Ted: She said you could never love anything? That's intense.
Barney: Oh, you have no idea.
[flashback:]
Quinn: Stop staring. Not gonna happen.
Barney: Is there any way we can start over and get to know each other?
Quinn: I already know you.
Barney: Oh, really?
Quinn: You wear a suit all the time.
Barney: Obviously.
Quinn: You have a stupid rule about everything.
Barney: I pay for the meal, you handle my deal. That's just good manners.
Quinn: But you end most nights alone at a strip club, feeling empty inside, telling yourself your life is somehow epic or classic or... legendary.
Barney: I never say epic or classic. Do you practice the dark arts?

Quote from Barney

Barney: I have never been more proud of you.
Ted: Come on.
Barney: Ted, tonight is gonna be epic- wait for it - dary! Wait. No, that's not it. How do I usually say it? Gah, I hate this Quinn girl!

Quote from Ted

Barney: You're so much better without him. If you ask me, Vinnie's a real jerk.
Woman: Hey, don't you dare badmouth Vinnie! [rips Barney's suit]
Barney: Ow!
[later:]
Woman: So what do you do?
Ted: Well, I teach architecture, and I also...
Woman: Oh, big man with a job. [throws drink in Ted's face] You think you're better than me?
[later:]
Woman: So... where do you live?
Ted: I'm on the Upper West Side.
Woman: Oh, big man. Living in Manhattan. [throws drink in Ted's face] What, you think you're better than me?
[later:]
Man: Ehhh! [a woman kisses him]
Ted: Ehhhh!
Woman: You think you're better than me?! [throws drink in Ted's face]

Quote from Barney

Barney: If we analyze the seemingly random patterns of the train, taking into account standard deviation, and assuming that epsilon approaches zero as angle delta approaches pi, we can conclude...
Ted: [snores]
Barney: Damn it, Ted! I was about to drop some sweet word play about logarithms and getting into a rhythm with my log. I'll remember it.

Quote from Barney

Ted: What are you doing?
Barney: If the top speed of the Drunk Train is 73 miles per hour, and you factor in an aggregate of 32 boobs per car, 28 of which are motorboatable, and you divide that... No, no, no! This is all wrong! It should be so simple! I mean, it's the Drunk Train!
Ted: My God! It's been right in front of us the whole time.
[title: "Get drunk"]
Both: Get drunk.
Ted: Yeah.
Barney: Of course. Good circling, Ted.
Ted: This ain't my first word search.

Quote from Lily

Lily: Oh, you take such good care of me. Thanks for loaning me your shoes for my swollen feet. Ah! I owe you one.
Marshall: We have to stop this.
Lily: Stop what?
Marshall: Keeping score. You're growing a baby, our baby. So you're officially ahead of me for life.
Lily: Oh, thanks, sweetie.
Marshall: Once we're parents, we have to be a team. Deal?
[eight months later, as a baby cries:]
Lily: It's your turn! I was on point for six straight hours yesterday!
Marshall: Two of those hours were a nap and you know it!
Lily: Let's go to the board! I hope it's a soupy deuce, sucka.
[present:]
Lily: Deal. We're a team.


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