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36Quotes from ‘Third Wheel’

How I Met Your Mother: Third Wheel

303. Third Wheel

Aired October 8, 2007

When Ted has a chance at a threesome he isn't sure what to do. Meanwhile, Robin needs help on a date.

Quote from Marshall

[Flashback to less than half an hour ago, as Barney and Marshall play Wii Sports in the apartment:]
Marshall: Yes, advantage Eriksen.
Barney: Don't get cocky. Wimbledon lasts a fortnight.
Marshall: Fortnight. British words are so cool. Plus, did you know lawyers there get to wear wigs? I wear a wig to work, I'm a jackass.

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Quote from Barney

Ted: All right, I'm ready, let's hit it.
Marshall: Can't go. Tournament.
Ted: What? We agreed, I suited up.
Barney: You take too long to get ready.
Ted: What are you talking about? I got the low-maintenance, just-rolled-out-of-bed look.
Marshall: Yeah, which takes an hour and a half of waxing, tugging and teasing to achieve.
Barney: And then he starts on his hair. Ace.

Quote from Marshall

Barney: [answering phone] Stinson.
Ted: All right, the beers are here.
Barney: Yeah, we're not gonna make it.
Ted: Oh come on, we agreed. Did Marshall take his pants off?
Barney: Yeah, pants are off.
Marshall: This is Wimbledon, Ted. I need the freedom and mobility that only underwear can provide. Cheerio.

Quote from Barney

[As Marshall and Barney play Wii Sports in the apartment:]
Marshall: Kazouwee. Vanquished, old bean.
Barney: That's 'cause you distracted me. You've been hanging crumpet ever since the third set.

Quote from Barney

Marshall: I thought we were in for the evening.
Barney: That's what I thought about your bangers and mash down there but I guess we're both wrong, governor.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Put him on speaker. So what you're saying to us right now is you have a shot at the belt?
Marshall: Wait wait wait, what belt?
Ted: [on phone] Barney and I have this running joke that the first guy to actually pull this off would win the championship belt.
Marshall: Oh, so it's a metaphorical belt, right?
[flashback to Barney removing a ceremonial belt from a box:]
Barney: Behold.
Ted: You actually bought a belt.
Barney: That's right, it's resplendent.
Ted: It's just a thing we said, we were kidding around.
Barney: I never kid. Remember you said if I ever slept with that girl from Days of our Lives, I'd be the king? Well...
[Barney pulls a crown out of the box and places it on his head]

Quote from Lily

Marshall: Why wasn't I told about the belt? I could go for the belt. [everyone else laughs] If Lily were to die before me, then I could ride the tricycle.
Lily: If I died, I'd just come back and haunt your penis.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: Scenario number 12. We're in a horrific car crash, you die, I'm left paralyzed. Two sexy nurses with a six-pack of wine coolers sneak into my room late at night. I try to blink at them in Morse code, "Please, don't, I love my dead wife," but they're medical professionals and I gotta think somehow they're saving my life.
Lily: Fine, sleep with your nurses. Tonight you ride the unicycle.
Marshall: I already did this morning.

Quote from Barney

Lily: Oh, you can use our bedroom.
Ted: Okay, all I need to seal the deal is the Wilco CD...Barney.
[Barney picks the CD up from Ted's cabinet and snaps it in half]
Ted: What are you doing?
Barney: I cannot allow Ted to do this.
Ted: Why, why?
Barney: Because the belt is my birthright. You can't claim it before I do. That would be like Jimmy Olsen capturing Lex Luther while Superman watches impotently from the bedroom.

Quote from Barney

Marshall: Why would you do that to yourself?
Barney: Because you get up in your head, man. Start thinking, I can't do this. It's two women. That's two of everything, four of some things. The logistics alone are enough to cripple even a pro like me.
Ted: See? If a complete degenerate like Barney choked, what chance do I have?
Barney: The best chance in the world. Fear took the belt from me. Fear rode the tricycle that night, my friends. But fear will not get a second turn.
Ted: It won't?
Barney: No, because I now realize it isn't my destiny to win the belt. It is my destiny to help my friend win it. Ted is fated to go there first. He is our Neil Armstrong. [laughs] Space-suit-up, Ted, 'cause you're going to the moon.


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