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34Quotes from ‘Splitsville’

How I Met Your Mother: Splitsville

806. Splitsville

Aired November 12, 2012

When Robin is reluctant to break up with Nick, Barney encourages her to act quickly. Meanwhile, Ted notices that Lily and Marshall seem to be having a dry spell.

Quote from Ted

Ted: Wow. Crazy, right?
Lily: Yeah. You know what'd be really crazy? If all of 'em got it on. Barney, Robin, Nick and those two women. And you just know Nadia's watching in the corner with her pet snake.
Ted: Okay, why aren't you two having sex?
Lily: What?
Marshall: Excuse me?
Ted: Lily has been slobbering over Robin's sex life like a cartoon hobo watching a pie cool on a windowsill. And you, the only other time you've ever exercised this seriously was when Lily had mono freshman year and I caught you doing one-armed push-ups with your genitals over a bowl of ice. So when did you stop doing it and why?

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Quote from Marshall

Robin: Nick and I haven't had sex in three days. And it's your fault. Nick won't have sex because he pulled his groin muscle all 'cause you made him join your stupid basketball team.
Marshall: Did you say "stupid basketball team"?
Robin: Yeah.
Marshall: Oh, my gosh. Guys, we have to rush Robin to the hospital because, somehow, she swallowed her vocal cords and they got lodged in her rectum, because she's talking out of her ass.

Quote from Ted

Marshall: If Joel can use ringers, then so can we. And Nick is our best player, so as far as I'm concerned, you can both keep your groins on ice.
Ted: Groins on Ice. Least popular Madison Square Garden holiday show ever.

Quote from Lily

Robin: Why are you so into this basketball league?
Marshall: Robin, it's the Little Ivies Professionals Over 30 Who Work in Midtown League. It's The Show!
Lily: You know, it's kind of funny imagining people icing their groins. First they'd be all cold, and... And then the ice would start to melt... And things would get all wet and samy.
Ted: Okay, Lily.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Talk about a double standard. Every time I go after a busty dullard who can't tell time or thinks I'm the ghost of Leonardo DiCaprio, I'm shallow. But somehow it's okay for Robin to date a guy who can't be trusted around outlets. Dump him!

Quote from Robin

Barney: I knew you'd cave. Which is why I came up with a little extra incentive to break up with Nick. End it by 8:00 p.m. Tonight or this invite goes live.
Robin: "Robin and Patrice's BFF Fun Day"?
Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, Patrice was a coworker of Robin's, who'd become sort of obsessed with her. Robin had managed until now to keep Patrice at arm's length. But if Patrice were invited to something called "Robin and Patrice's BFF Fun Day', she'd latch onto Robin and never let go.
Robin: Why would you do that? Delete that right now!
Barney: No! If I don't give you a little push, you'll let this drag on until Nick can have sex again and then you'll be right back to procrastinating on all fours.
Robin: I hate to admit it, but the man in the suit has a point.

Quote from Barney

Marshall: Fine, but the play-offs are coming up soon, andI can't have this guy an emotional wreck. If you do dump him, at least let him down easy.
Ted: Yeah. Take him to a nice restaurant, preferably a dessert place. That way you won't have to sit through
a whole meal before you get to...
Barney: Splitsville.
Ted: Exactly.
Barney: No, Splitsville. It's a dessert place right around the corner. It's sort of the place to end a relationship.

Quote from Barney

Robin: Look, he doesn't love me. He's just saying this because he thinks that...
Barney: I love everything about her. And I'm not a guy who says that lightly. I'm a guy who has faked love his entire life. I thought love was just something idiots thought they felt. But this woman has a hold on my heart
that I could not break if I wanted to. And there have been times that I wanted to. It has been overwhelming and humbling, and even painful at times. But I could not stop loving her any more than I could stop breathing. I am hopelessly, irretrievably in love with her. More than she knows.
Nick: Robin, is this true?
Robin: You heard him.


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