Tim: I wanna talk about you and Angela.
Brad: Dad, there's nothing to talk about.
Tim: I want to talk about sex for a minute.
Brad: Dad, I don't want...
Tim: I want you to listen to me, please. Listen up. Sex is, um... It's like a car. The best idea is to keep the car in the garage for a long, long, long time. And then, somewhere in the future, the distant future, when that garage door opens... you gotta think, "car cover".

Al: I was just thinking about my mother, all the great times we used to have. When I was a kid, she used to take us to the park. We'd fly kites, she'd push us on the swing. We'd spend hours on the teeter-totter.
Tim: I used to love the teeter-totter. Up and down. Up and down.
Al: Down?
Tim: Well, they play it differently in different parts of the country.

Tim: Well, let me ask you a question. Have you ever wished that you'd married somebody as smart as you?
Jill: You think I'm smarter than you?
Tim: Yeah.
Jill: Well, that just shows how smart you are.
Tim: You didn't answer the question.
Jill: Do I ever wish that I married somebody else? Why would I wanna marry anybody else? You're funny, you're sexy, creative, you take chances, and you're definitely not afraid to be wrong. I'm perfectly happy being married to a man who thinks that PBS is something that women get once a month.
Tim: What I said was, "Once a month is enough for PBS." And way too much for the other thing.

[flashback:]
Tim: And the little one with the supercharged lungs is my youngest son Randy. Got a little colic.
Wilson: Mmm, I know. I've been hearing it for the past few nights.
Tim: Sorry about that.
Wilson: I took the liberty to mix you up a batch of ginger-root juice for your son's colic.
Tim: And I'm supposed to put that in his bottle?
Wilson: No. You just rub a little bit on his belly.
Tim: All right. At this point, I'm willing to try anything. You sure it's all right? Easy, easy, easy. Easy, boy. Oh, oh. Why are you looking at me like that? Stop crying. Just a little bit. Won't hurt. Right here. Mm-hm.
Wilson: Huh?
Tim: It worked. So that's what you look like when you're not crying, huh?
Wilson: Oh, ho-ho-ho. He is a handsome little fella.
Tim: Hey. Thanks very much. You know, when I first got married, didn't think I ever wanted kids. Now that it happened, I like 'em. I like 'em better than cars. You got kids?
Wilson: I don't even have a car.
Tim: Um, thanks for the belly rub. I'm going to put him to bed now.
Wilson: Feel free to stop by anytime and chat.
Tim: Well, thanks, but I'm a pretty private guy. I don't like sharing my problems with other guys, OK? Good night.
Wilson: Good night.