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‘Doctor in the House’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Doctor in the House

510. Doctor in the House

Aired November 28, 1995

Tim's alma mater, Western Michigan University, presents him with an honorary Ph.D.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: A Ph.D.?! Tim? Aw, Jill, Jill, Jill, Jill... Do you realize how many hours I had to study to get my doctorate in forgotten languages and extinct cultures? Oh, my, my, my. Sitting in that library, reading that insufferable microfilm till I thought I would practically go blind? Not to mention that to support myself, I had to volunteer as a subject for lab experiments. Oh, oh. And the thing that really irritates me about this whole thing...
Jill: Wilson!
Wilson: Oh, Jill, Jill, talk me down, talk me down.
Jill: I came out here so you'd talk me down.
Wilson: Oh, I'm sorry, Jill. I just lost control.

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Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Well, what can I say here that might put this into perspective for both of us? Oh, yes. Oh, yes. The late senator Dwight Morrow said there are people who do things and people who take the credit. And the trick is to be in the first group, there's a lot less competition.
Jill: I see what you're sayin'.
Wilson: Does that make you feel any better?
Jill: Not at all.
Wilson: Me, neither. On the other hand, it is a great honor for Tim, and I guess we have to put our negative feelings aside and just find a way to cheer him on.
Jill: Well, I know. I mean, he should be allowed to enjoy this. I should be more supportive.
Wilson: And if the university is giving him a Ph.D., they must feel he is a worthy recipient.
[Tim bounces on a Pogo stick in the living room]
Jill: Obviously they know something we don't.

Quote from Al

Tim: Todd from Toledo writes, "Dear Tim, when I heard you were getting a Ph.D., three words came to mind - Why not Al?"
Al: Thanks, Todd.
Tim: "He's the one who works his tail off day in, day out. It's time for America to stand up and cheer for Albert Borland, who slaves..." I can't read this, Todd.
Al: Tirelessly.
Tim: How did you know what that said?
Al: I guessed.
Tim: Did you, or is it possible that Albert Borland is Todd from Toledo? [Al hangs his head in shame] How could you stoop to something so dumb?
Al: I don't know. But there's no use reading this letter from Andy from Akron.

Quote from Tim

Jill: I can't believe it, either. They barely acknowledge me going back to school. Now they're sending you flowers?
Tim: Come on, Jill. They're just proud of my accomplishments.
Jill: Accomplishments?
Tim: Well, yeah. You know, I teach people from all walks of life the complexities of tool usage in an ever-changing world. I believe I've actually bridged the gap between the world of hardware and academia.
Jill: Now you just need to bridge the gap between fantasy and reality.

Quote from Tim

Professor Garver: Hey, does everybody know what time it is?
Tim: Uh... Ph.D. time.
Professor Garver: [laughs] It's great to see you again, Tim.
Tim: And you would be?
Professor Garver: Your old philosophy teacher - Professor Garver.
Tim: Ah, yes, philosophy. "I think, therefore I am." Descartes.
Professor Garver: Good for a guy who was never in class.
Tim: Well, I thought I was there, therefore I probably was.
Professor Garver: I passed you, therefore you're lucky.

Quote from Tim

Al: All right. Now is the time we go to our mailbag.
Tim: That's right. Viewers write in their questions, and I answer them.
Al: And I give the correct information.
Tim: You're just a superhighway of information, Al. If you wanna contact Al via the computer, he's on e-mail in the Flannel Net.

Quote from Al

Al: "Dear Tim and Al, my wife says I spend too much money at the hardware store. What percentage of our budget should I spend on tools? Signed, Confused in Lansing."
Tim: Take your entire budget, subtract your house payment, if there is one, utilities, phone, add up that total, and forget about it and buy whatever you want, huh? Ha-ha!
Al: Remembering to leave a little aside for your future divorce lawyer.

Quote from Randy

Mark: Oh, no. Mom's giving away our toys to charity again. I hate when she does that.
Randy: Well, we told her to keep the toys and give you away, but no charity would take you.

Quote from Al

Al: Yesterday, we talked about getting insects out of your house.
Tim: And if that didn't bug you, today we're gonna talk about rodent removal. We're gonna meet the man who has a job no one else wants.
Al: Actually, Tim, I have that job.

Quote from Tim

Al: If you're like me and you have a problem with space, well, you can't do better than the Binford 6100 telescopic ladder.
Tim: If you're like Al, you'll need more than a ladder to solve your problems.
Al: The beauty of this ladder is that, closed, it's only 2 1/2 feet tall.
Tim: Yet, with a simple tug, it expands to 12 1/2 feet. You just pull... Oh, this is jammed or something, Al. [Al easily expands the ladder] I'll just climb up there and show you how sturdy this is. The Binford telescopic ladder, just as supportive-
Al: Tim, you might wanna watch the...
Tim: Could I finish, Al?
Al: I just want you to be careful so you don't- [Tim screams as the ladder flips over the wall] The Binford 6100 telescopic ladder.
Tim: Perfectly safe for those of you who take the time to read the safety instructions.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Whoa, this letter's from Western Michigan University. That's where my wife and I went to college.
Al: Well, they must've seen our show, and they want their diploma back.
Tim: Couldn't be further from the truth. Listen to this. "Dear Tim, in recognition of the fine work you do, we would like to bestow upon you an honorary Ph.D." [grunts] [grunts]
Al: Oh, now wait a second. Your alma mater wants to give you a doctorate?
Tim: That's right. Yeah. From now on, you'll be standing next to a doctor. Which would make you my nurse.

Quote from Tim

Tim: So how was your day?
Jill: Horrible. My behavioral psych professor has assigned yet another paper. I haven't even finished the first one yet. Plus, I have to get through all these books by the weekend. What did you do today?
Tim: Got a Ph.D.
Jill: [laughs] Very funny.
Tim: Funny, huh? Check out the letter from Western Michigan.
Jill: You barely graduated, and they're giving you an honorary degree?
Tim: Makes me wonder why I worked so hard for the first one.
Jill: You didn't work at all. You partied the whole time.
Tim: And the celebration continues.

Quote from Tim

Tim: [answers the phone] Hello. Yes, this is Dr. Taylor. Harry, real funny. Ha-ha-ha. Yeah. He's calling me Tim "The School Man" Taylor.
Jill: Harry is droll.
Tim: Huh? What? Uh, she called you a troll. All right, I'll stop by the hardware store. Thanks. Bye.

Quote from Tim

Delivery Guy: I have a delivery for a Dr. Taylor. Hey, Doc, how do I get rid of this big wart on my hand?
Tim: Ball-peen hammer, chisel. It'll pop right off.
Delivery Guy: Thanks, Doc.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Hey, Wilson.
Wilson: Well, hi-ho, fairest of the Taylors. Jill, what time do you have?
Jill: Uh, 8:33.
Wilson: Uh-uh-uh-uh. My new sundial seems to be running a bit slow.
Jill: Maybe you should noodle with your gnomon.
Wilson: I beg your pardon.
Jill: The gnomon. You know, it's that crossbar there. It should be pointing north.
Wilson: Oh, ho-ho, well, thank you, Jill. It's such a pleasure having a knowledgeable neighborette.
Jill: Huh. I may be knowledgeable, but Tim's the one getting the Ph.D.
Wilson: Knowledgeable and funny, funny, funny.

Quote from Tim

Heidi: Does everybody know what time it is?
Audience: Tool Time!
Heidi: That's right. Binford Tools is proud to present the star of our show - Dr. Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
Tim: Thank you, and welcome to Tool Time. I am Dr. Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, and you all know my assistant - Al "Ma Mater" Borland.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Honey, isn't this where you and I took sociology together?
Jill: Yeah. I got my first "A" in that class.
Randy: Dad, what'd you get?
Tim: A lot of sleep.

Quote from Tim

Dean Cummings: Now we'd like to present this year's honorary doctorate to an alumnus - class of '76. A man who, day in and day out, teaches people that, with the right tools, anything is possible. Let's give a warm Western Michigan University welcome to Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
Tim: Professor Hankey. Thank you. Ahem. Thank you all. I, uh... Oh, boy. [clears throat] You know, the last time I gave a speech at Western, I was actually in the dean's office. Remember that? Trying to convince her to not kick me out of school. I had those women's underpants on my head. It was frat week. It was a long time ago.
Randy: He's dyin'.
Tim: You know, my dad taught me years ago that a tool in your hands keeps those hands out of trouble. And what this university taught me was that education is perhaps the greatest tool of 'em all. Of course, my first couple years here, I thought a corkscrew was the best tool... But seriously, I want you all to know how much I appreciate this award. I really do. I also want you to know I have nothing but respect for all of you who have put in years of work to earn an advanced degree - one student out there in particular. So here is to higher education. [spills water on the lectern]
Dean Cummings: Let me help you.
Tim: Uh, watch your hand on that.
Dean Cummings: [touches the microphone] Aah!
Tim: I know how she feels, I'll tell you that. But that... That kind of felt good there just at the beginning of that. I've been there. Uh, I suppose you wanna see me in your office.

Quote from Randy

Tim: Guys, you won't believe what happened today. I got a Ph.D. from Western Michigan University.
Brad: You?
Randy: You sure it's not a Ph.D-minus?
Tim: No, wise guy. It's an honorary Ph.D. from the engineering department. Whoa-oa-oa.
Brad: You got a degree when you didn't even earn it? Can I get that type of deal for high school?
Randy: I hope so. It's your only shot at graduating.

Quote from Al

Tim: Well, it's time once again to dip into the ol' mailbag. Heidi, the mailbag, please.
Al: I bet you're anxious to read all those letters congratulating you on your Ph.D.?
Tim: I don't think we'll have time to read them all, Al. [Heidi empties out two envelopes]
Al: I think we might.

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