Wilson: A Ph.D.?! Tim? Aw, Jill, Jill, Jill, Jill... Do you realize how many hours I had to study to get my doctorate in forgotten languages and extinct cultures? Oh, my, my, my. Sitting in that library, reading that insufferable microfilm till I thought I would practically go blind? Not to mention that to support myself, I had to volunteer as a subject for lab experiments. Oh, oh. And the thing that really irritates me about this whole thing...
Jill: Wilson!
Wilson: Oh, Jill, Jill, talk me down, talk me down.

Wilson: Well, what can I say here that might put this into perspective for both of us? Oh, yes. Oh, yes. The late senator Dwight Morrow said there are people who do things and people who take the credit. And the trick is to be in the first group, there's a lot less competition.
Jill: I see what you're sayin'.
Wilson: Does that make you feel any better?
Jill: Not at all.
Wilson: Me, neither. On the other hand, it is a great honor for Tim, and I guess we have to put our negative feelings aside and just find a way to cheer him on.
Jill: Well, I know. I mean, he should be allowed to enjoy this. I should be more supportive.
Wilson: And if the university is giving him a Ph.D., they must feel he is a worthy recipient.
[Tim bounces on a Pogo stick in the living room]
Jill: Obviously they know something we don't.

Tim: Todd from Toledo writes, "Dear Tim, when I heard you were getting a Ph.D., three words came to mind - Why not Al?"
Al: Thanks, Todd.
Tim: "He's the one who works his tail off day in, day out. It's time for America to stand up and cheer for Albert Borland, who slaves..." I can't read this, Todd.
Al: Tirelessly.
Tim: How did you know what that said?
Al: I guessed.
Tim: Did you, or is it possible that Albert Borland is Todd from Toledo? [Al hangs his head in shame] How could you stoop to something so dumb?
Al: I don't know. But there's no use reading this letter from Andy from Akron.

Jill: I can't believe it, either. They barely acknowledge me going back to school. Now they're sending you flowers?
Tim: Come on, Jill. They're just proud of my accomplishments.
Jill: Accomplishments?
Tim: Well, yeah. You know, I teach people from all walks of life the complexities of tool usage in an ever-changing world. I believe I've actually bridged the gap between the world of hardware and academia.
Jill: Now you just need to bridge the gap between fantasy and reality.

Professor Garver: Hey, does everybody know what time it is?
Tim: Uh... Ph.D. time.
Professor Garver: [laughs] It's great to see you again, Tim.
Tim: And you would be?
Professor Garver: Your old philosophy teacher - Professor Garver.
Tim: Ah, yes, philosophy. "I think, therefore I am." Descartes.
Professor Garver: Good for a guy who was never in class.
Tim: Well, I thought I was there, therefore I probably was.
Professor Garver: I passed you, therefore you're lucky.

Al: All right. Now is the time we go to our mailbag.
Tim: That's right. Viewers write in their questions, and I answer them.
Al: And I give the correct information.
Tim: You're just a superhighway of information, Al. If you wanna contact Al via the computer, he's on e-mail in the Flannel Net.

Al: "Dear Tim and Al, my wife says I spend too much money at the hardware store. What percentage of our budget should I spend on tools? Signed, Confused in Lansing."
Tim: Take your entire budget, subtract your house payment, if there is one, utilities, phone, add up that total, and forget about it and buy whatever you want, huh? Ha-ha!
Al: Remembering to leave a little aside for your future divorce lawyer.

Mark: Oh, no. Mom's giving away our toys to charity again. I hate when she does that.
Randy: Well, we told her to keep the toys and give you away, but no charity would take you.

Al: Yesterday, we talked about getting insects out of your house.
Tim: And if that didn't bug you, today we're gonna talk about rodent removal. We're gonna meet the man who has a job no one else wants.
Al: Actually, Tim, I have that job.

Al: If you're like me and you have a problem with space, well, you can't do better than the Binford 6100 telescopic ladder.
Tim: If you're like Al, you'll need more than a ladder to solve your problems.
Al: The beauty of this ladder is that, closed, it's only 2 1/2 feet tall.
Tim: Yet, with a simple tug, it expands to 12 1/2 feet. You just pull... Oh, this is jammed or something, Al. [Al easily expands the ladder] I'll just climb up there and show you how sturdy this is. The Binford telescopic ladder, just as supportive-
Al: Tim, you might wanna watch the...
Tim: Could I finish, Al?
Al: I just want you to be careful so you don't- [Tim screams as the ladder flips over the wall] The Binford 6100 telescopic ladder.
Tim: Perfectly safe for those of you who take the time to read the safety instructions.