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‘No, No, Godot’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: No, No, Godot

421. No, No, Godot

Aired March 21, 1995

Tim and Al try to scalp hockey tickets before joining Jill and Ilene at the theater to see Waiting for Godot.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Just relax. No one's going to know you're here. It's a holding cell in Detroit. Who's gonna see you here?
George: Hey, aren't you those guys from that TV tool show?
Tim: Yes, I'm Bob Vila, this is Norm. We're back together again.
George: No. You're Tim and Al! [laughs] I used to watch you guys at Jackson State Prison. You got a lot of fans up there. [they laugh]
Tim: Hey! Hey, that's great! Lot of fans up there. We got the 18 to life demographic.

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Quote from Wilson

Mark: Thank you for helping me with my school project, Wilson.
Tim: It's my pleasure, Mark.
Mark: You know, I've always been fascinated with papier-mache. You know, the name is French, but actually it was invented by the Chinese.
Mark: How do you know all this stuff?
Wilson: Mark, I have a tremendous amount of spare time.

Quote from Al

Tim: You're gonna have a lot more fun tonight than we are.
Officer Keegan: That could be. No, no, no, wait. I got one more thing I gotta show you.
Tim: We gotta go, buddy. We're late.
Al: You have a badge? Did you also play Officer Krupke in West Side Story?
Tim: No, this is Officer Keegan. Precinct 29, Detroit Police Department.
Officer Keegan: That's right. You're under arrest for scalping tickets.
Tim: What?
Officer Keegan: Yeah. Come on, let's go.
Al: I can't believe this! I open up to you by showing you my Pozzo, and you're taking us to jail?
Officer Keegan: Well, first of all, you're not a very good Pozzo. Besides that, scalping is against the law. So come on, let's go.
Al: This is all your fault, Tim.
Tim: Well, I probably could have talked him out of it, if you hadn't pulled your Pozzo out in the parking lot.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Hi, Wilson.
Wilson: Well, hi-ho, theatergoers. Ready for an evening of thespian watching?
Jill: Yeah.
Tim: There's thespians in this play? Hey, maybe it won't be that bad after all.
Jill: Tim, a thespian is an actor.
Tim: [grunts] Aw, that was my last hope.

Quote from Al

Tim: Al! I got a guy over here. Come on, come on. Perfect;
Al: Great! We can still make it to Waiting For Godot on time.
Officer Keegan: Waiting For Godot? I was in that play in high school.
Al: So was l.
Officer Keegan: I played Vladimir.
Al: I was Pozzo.
Officer Keegan: "It's a scandal."
Al: "Are you alluding to anything in particular?"
Officer Keegan: "To treat a man like that. I think that... No! A human being! No, it's a scandal!"
Al: "You are severe!" [laughs]
Tim: I am bored, and I am wet. I'd like to see the money.

Quote from Jill

Jill: You might as well stop turning around. They're not coming, they went to the hockey game.
Ilene: No. Al will be here, he loves this play. In high school, he played the definitive Pozzo.
Jill: Well, now he's at the hockey game with the definitive bozo.

Quote from Jill

Jill: OK, I'm here. Not that you care, now that you have your new hot rod to play with.
Tim: Are you jealous of this car already?
Jill: No. I'm happy to see you lust after something older and uglier than I am.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I've been out here a lot lately, haven't I? Tell you what. Saturday night, a night out. Intimate night. You and me. Dining. Dancing. Hockey.
Jill: As, um, romantic as hockey is... I think you've forgotten that we already have plans to go to the theatre with Al and Ilene Saturday night.
Tim: We do?
Jill: We've had tickets for months.
Tim: Can't we sell your tickets?
Jill: First of all, I don't want to, and second of all, hockey tickets are a lot easier to get rid of than theatre tickets.
Tim: Doesn't that tell you something?

Quote from Tim

Tim: [on the phone] Augie, I can't believe you don't want to buy these tickets. You'd pass up a hockey game like this to go to your uncle's funeral? Yeah. He's not gonna know you're not there. What about your aunt?
Does she like hockey? Augie? Augie? [hangs up]
Jill: So I'm guessing no luck.
Tim: No luck. Everybody's got a lot of good reasons not to go. A wedding, a funeral. Open heart surgery.
Jill: Guess you'll have to forget about these hockey tickets.
Tim: Wait a minute. Joe Louis Arena is only five minutes from this little theatre. You and Ilene can drop Al and me off, we'll sell the tickets, and meet you there.
Jill: Oh, forget it! The minute you get near there, you'll go to the game.
Tim: I promise. I'll be back in the seat next to you fast asleep before the curtain goes up.
Jill: That's all I ask.

Quote from Wilson

Jill: Wilson, thanks for watching the kids. Help yourself to something to drink, and there's pizza is on the way.
Wilson: Great. I brought these over for the boys for an after-dinner treat. This is the Colombian equivalent of popcorn.
Tim: May I?
Wilson: Mm-hm.
Tim: Crunchy little... [eats] It's good. What is it?
Wilson: It's roasted ants.
Tim: Needs butter.

Quote from Al

Al: You don't want to miss the beginning of Waiting For Godot. It's a very intricate play. I played Pozzo in high school.
Tim: Really? Junior or senior varsity?
Al: Pozzo is a character in the play. And if I do say so myself, I was the definitive Pozzo. I made him come alive.
Tim: Yeah, right, Al. You can barely make yourself come alive.

Quote from Jill

Ilene: I can't understand Al doing something like this. How could he stoop to Tim's level? [Jill looks at her] Sorry.
Jill: Ah, it's OK. Sometimes I wonder how Tim can stoop to Tim's level.
Woman: Shh!
Jill: I don't know why I'm surprised. I mean, I knew the minute I told him we were going to the theatre, he'd find a way out of it. I can't believe Al went with him.
Ilene: I know. He's always loved the theatre. He cried when we went to see A Streetcar Named Desire.
Jill: Well, Tim cried, but that was because there was no streetcar.

Quote from Tim

Al: Tim! Oh, did you get through to them? What did they say? Did you explain? Did you get through to the theatre?
Tim: Thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Line was busy. You know, what they should have is "call waiting for Godot."

Quote from Tim

Al: Ah... Ah... Oh...
Tim: What are you doing? It sounds like you're going into labor.
Al: I can't breathe in here. The criminals are taking up all the oxygen. I can't believe you got me into this. My reputation is tarnished. I'm gonna be ostracized at bingo. Oh, yes! The senior citizens will not want to sit next to an ex-con.
Tim: You're probably right. "Margaret, I got bingo. But we ought to get outta here. Look, next to us, it's Baby Face Borland!"

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: You know, if you boys are sneaking over to your party, I'd take a coat. It's awfully chilly out.
Randy: How'd you know we were sneaking out?
Wilson: Well, Randy, I've long been a student of the eastern philosophy of the Sufis, and their teachings have enabled me to obtain a heightened awareness. Plus, I saw you out of the corner of my eye.
Brad: Could you just pretend you didn't see us?
Wilson: I'm afraid not. Your mother gave me very strict instructions. And five bucks an hour.
Brad: Man, why couldn't Mom just let us go to the party? I mean, she's totally screwing up our lives.
Wilson: Well, you boys have to realize that parents make rules to protect you, not to keep you from having a funky good time.
Randy: I think they do it just to torture us.
Wilson: No, no, no, Randy. They do it for a very good reason. They want to instill discipline and responsibility so you can be a fine, upstanding citizen like they are. [phone rings]
Randy: I got it. [answers phone] Hello? Yeah, one sec. It's Mr. Upstanding Citizen. He's in the slammer.

Quote from Jill

Ilene: I can't believe they went to the game. I just can't enjoy the play without Al here.
Jill: I bet Tim's enjoying the game without me there. He won't have a good time when I'm through with him.
Usher: Excuse me, Ms. Taylor? You're gonna have to go to jail.
Jill: What? For talking?
Ilene: Is this a new theatre policy?
Usher: No, a man named Wilson called. He said your husband and a Mr. Borland have been arrested.
Ilene: Oh, my God! Al's in prison?
Jill: What did they do?
Usher: I'll tell you in the lobby. We don't want to upset Pozzo again.

Quote from Tim

Tim: You notice we tighten our lugs in a star-shaped pattern.
Al: We? I seem to be doing all the work, Tim.
Tim: That's because I'm the star, you're the lug, that's the pattern.
Al: All right, once we're finished here, we put on the center cap, lower the jack, and hit the road.
Tim: Hence the term, "Hit the road, Jack."

Quote from Al

Tim: How long does that take you? Eight minutes?
Al: Actually, four, but I'm very fast. I've been changing tires all my life.
Tim: Really? Your whole life?
Al: Yes, my whole life. As a matter of fact, I started out with my little red wagon. Then I had the tricycle. Then Big Blue, my first two-wheeler.
Tim: You keep these tire stories going, I'm going to have to retire.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Uh, you must... What'd that take? 15 seconds?
Robby Gordon: Actually, 14.1. But who's counting, anyway?
Tim: Sounds like you are. I've seen you racing this thing around the Michigan 500. Boy, keeping it off those walls. How do you stay focused?
Robby Gordon: I just remember a little saying: "Avoid distraction or end up in traction."
Al: That'd be a good motto for you, Tim.
Tim: Yeah. Well, I have a little motto for you, Al: "When I'm annoyed, you're unemployed."

Quote from Al

Tim: I'm actually pretty good at changing a tire myself.
Derrick Walker: You want to try it on our Indy car, Tim?
Tim: I don't wanna show up the guys here.
Al: I'm sure they're quaking in their boots.
Robby Gordon: Yeah, Tim. Give it a try.
Tim: All right, Al, you'll time me?
Al: Do I use a stopwatch or a calendar?

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