Randy: Hey, Dad, I heard a great joke today.
Tim: What was it?
Randy: Okay. What did the moron have for breakfast?
Tim: I don't know.
Randy: This morning you had scrambled eggs and toast. [laughs]

Tim: Hi, everybody, and welcome once again to Tool Time. I'm Tim Taylor. Of course, you all know Al.
Al: Borland.
Tim: Al, why would they need to know your last name?
Al: You always tell them your last name.
Tim: Al, if they don't know who I am, they won't know who you are. Right, Al?
Al: Borland.

Tim: Well, we're gonna be hanging some drywall today, Al Borland.
Al: That's right, Tim Taylor.
Tim: Since we're hanging it, maybe we'll need a noose.
Al: I don't think so, Tim.

Tim: The only reason you got a strike is 'cause we're not competing.
Jill: Oh. So, if we were competing, then you'd be throwing the strikes and I'd be throwing the gutter balls?
Tim: Yes, because women collapse under pressure.
Jill: Oh, really? Well, that last ball was a practice ball. This one counts. We're keeping score.
Tim: I thought you didn't want to keep score.
Jill: Is the great, big, bad bowling man afraid his itty-bitty wife is gonna beat him?
Tim: Is the itty-bitty wife afraid the great, big bowling man is gonna leave her in the parking lot?

Rock: Roger, were gonna be bowling next to a superstar. You recognize that guy?
Roger: Yeah, sure do. How you doing? It's Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. He works with Al. You know, I love Al.
Pete: Oh, Al's great!
Tim: Hey, we all love Al.

Tim: I got a great joke for you.
Jill: What?
Tim: What did the moron have for breakfast?
Jill: Today you had cereal and an English muffin. [the boys laugh]
Tim: You're all wrong. I had rye toast. Ha-ha-ha!

Tim: Mark, you're gonna be seeing raw power in motion. [grunts] Raw power in the form of precision, fluid movements with a bowling pin-type radar that will destroy everything in its path. [grunts] Oh, oh, oh, oh...
Jill: Gutter ball.
Tim: I had a little muscle cramp or something. You always got to warm up before you bowl that first one. Well, now I show no mercy at all. See that one pin still shaking over there? You know why that's shakin'? 'cause that pin knows what's coming. That pin's going. "Please, please, master bowler, don't hit me!" You're dead, pin. You're dead! You and your nine scrawny friends, too. [grunts] Yes...
Mark: Yay, Daddy, you did it! You knocked down that one pin!
Jill: Yeah, and you left his nine scrawny friends.
Tim: Jill, would you walk down in the alley and dress up like a bowling pin for me?
Jill: Well, that is the one place I wouldn't get hit by a bowling ball.

Tim: I hope the ball gets to the pins before the lanes close, hon.
Jill: Please, please... Yes, yes!
Mark: You knocked them all down!
Jill: Yes, honey. That's called a strike.
Tim: You didn't knock them down. They dropped dead from boredom.
Jill: Hey, it doesn't matter how they get down, as long as they get down.
Tim: Wait a minute. What's this, "We're not gonna compete. We're just here for fun"? What's this all about?
Jill: Well, I'm not keeping score here. I'm just writing down that I got a strike. If you like, I can write down that you got a "one".

Jill: Yes! Two strikes in a row! Yes!
Tim: Ha! I sucked you in now. It's time for the real bowling to start now.
Mark: Go, Daddy! Hit another pin!

Dwayne: Boy, Pete, it sure is gonna be intimidating bowling next to a celebrity like Tim Taylor.
Pete: Oh, you got that right.
Dwayne: Hey, Tim. I bet you got a real high average, huh?
Tim: I don't like to brag, you know, but I've knocked a few pins down in my day.
Jill: I know of one tonight.