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‘Up Your Alley’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Up Your Alley

113. Up Your Alley

Aired January 7, 1992

Tim and Jill get competitive when they spend family night at a bowling alley.

Quote from Randy

Randy: Hey, Dad, I heard a great joke today.
Tim: What was it?
Randy: Okay. What did the moron have for breakfast?
Tim: I don't know.
Randy: This morning you had scrambled eggs and toast. [laughs]

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Quote from Al

Tim: Hi, everybody, and welcome once again to Tool Time. I'm Tim Taylor. Of course, you all know Al.
Al: Borland.
Tim: Al, why would they need to know your last name?
Al: You always tell them your last name.
Tim: Al, if they don't know who I am, they won't know who you are. Right, Al?
Al: Borland.

Quote from Al

Tim: Well, we're gonna be hanging some drywall today, Al Borland.
Al: That's right, Tim Taylor.
Tim: Since we're hanging it, maybe we'll need a noose.
Al: I don't think so, Tim.

Quote from Tim

Tim: The only reason you got a strike is 'cause we're not competing.
Jill: Oh. So, if we were competing, then you'd be throwing the strikes and I'd be throwing the gutter balls?
Tim: Yes, because women collapse under pressure.
Jill: Oh, really? Well, that last ball was a practice ball. This one counts. We're keeping score.
Tim: I thought you didn't want to keep score.
Jill: Is the great, big, bad bowling man afraid his itty-bitty wife is gonna beat him?
Tim: Is the itty-bitty wife afraid the great, big bowling man is gonna leave her in the parking lot?

Quote from Jill

Tim: I got a great joke for you.
Jill: What?
Tim: What did the moron have for breakfast?
Jill: Today you had cereal and an English muffin. [the boys laugh]
Tim: You're all wrong. I had rye toast. Ha-ha-ha!

Quote from Tim

Tim: Mark, you're gonna be seeing raw power in motion. [grunts] Raw power in the form of precision, fluid movements with a bowling pin-type radar that will destroy everything in its path. [grunts] Oh, oh, oh, oh...
Jill: Gutter ball.
Tim: I had a little muscle cramp or something. You always got to warm up before you bowl that first one. Well, now I show no mercy at all. See that one pin still shaking over there? You know why that's shakin'? 'cause that pin knows what's coming. That pin's going. "Please, please, master bowler, don't hit me!" You're dead, pin. You're dead! You and your nine scrawny friends, too. [grunts] Yes...
Mark: Yay, Daddy, you did it! You knocked down that one pin!
Jill: Yeah, and you left his nine scrawny friends.
Tim: Jill, would you walk down in the alley and dress up like a bowling pin for me?
Jill: Well, that is the one place I wouldn't get hit by a bowling ball.

Quote from Jill

Tim: I hope the ball gets to the pins before the lanes close, hon.
Jill: Please, please... Yes, yes!
Mark: You knocked them all down!
Jill: Yes, honey. That's called a strike.
Tim: You didn't knock them down. They dropped dead from boredom.
Jill: Hey, it doesn't matter how they get down, as long as they get down.
Tim: Wait a minute. What's this, "We're not gonna compete. We're just here for fun"? What's this all about?
Jill: Well, I'm not keeping score here. I'm just writing down that I got a strike. If you like, I can write down that you got a "one".

Quote from Mark

Jill: Yes! Two strikes in a row! Yes!
Tim: Ha! I sucked you in now. It's time for the real bowling to start now.
Mark: Go, Daddy! Hit another pin!

Quote from Tim

Rock: Roger, were gonna be bowling next to a superstar. You recognize that guy?
Roger: Yeah, sure do. How you doing? It's Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. He works with Al. You know, I love Al.
Pete: Oh, Al's great!
Tim: Hey, we all love Al.

Quote from Jill

Dwayne: Boy, Pete, it sure is gonna be intimidating bowling next to a celebrity like Tim Taylor.
Pete: Oh, you got that right.
Dwayne: Hey, Tim. I bet you got a real high average, huh?
Tim: I don't like to brag, you know, but I've knocked a few pins down in my day.
Jill: I know of one tonight.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Hey, you knocked down all their pins!
Rock: [laughs] Come on, guys, that's a joke!
Pete: Oh, that's a great joke!
Tim: Hey, anybody can knock down the pins in their own lane. Oh, yeah.

Quote from Tim

Rock: Boy, Tim, you're really taking this well. I mean, if my wife were beating the pants off me, I'd be looking for a place to hide.
Tim: Actually, Rock, I'm trying to go easy on my wife. She's had a bad week. Her mom was convicted of grand theft auto.
Rock: You're a good man, Tim.

Quote from Dwayne

Jill: I know it sounds ridiculous but it relaxes me. You should try it. See, just start on your left foot, then go.
Jill, Dwayne & Pete: "Ashes, ashes, we all fall down."
Jill: And then, after I release the ball. I always do this: Please, please, please, please, please.
Pete: Please, please, please, please, please, please...
Dwayne: Pete!
Pete: Yeah?
Dwayne: You're embarrassing yourself.
Pete: I am not, and you're always criticizing.
Dwayne: This is neither the time nor the place.
Pete: Fine.

Quote from Jill

Jill: You want to have a little fun? Why don't we make a bet?
Tim: A bet? How about in the form of public humiliation?
Jill: We let people watch you bowl? [the K&B guys laugh]

Quote from Jill

Rock: Don't wanna make you nervous, Tim, but this is the clutch shot. Kiss 'em all and you win, buddy.
Tim: Yes... Yes...
Jill: So, wait a minute. What are you saying? You're saying, that, like... unless he gets down every single pin - which is very hard to do under all this pressure - I win?
Tim: I think that's exactly what he's saying, Jill.

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