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‘Alarmed by Burglars’ Quotes Page 1 of 3    

Home Improvement: Alarmed by Burglars

525. Alarmed by Burglars

Aired May 14, 1996

After Wilson's house is robbed, Jill encourages Tim to install a state-of-the-art alarm system.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Look, if this can happen to Wilson, it can happen to us! I want floodlights, surveillance cameras, uh, uh, uh...
panic buttons, uh, uh, the works, everything!
Tim: You know, I am... I am getting very excited. I hope this isn't just a big tease.
Jill: I am not teasing you. I am turning you loose to buy the biggest, most powerful security system that money can buy.
Tim: [groans] Ohh...
Jill: I will even allow you to do a Tool Time remote in the house.
Tim: I have never loved you as much as I do at this moment.


Quote from Al

Tim: Guys, I'm serious. I'm serious. I think it's time "The Tool Man" just scaled back a bit.
Benny: Yeah, right. That would be like Babe Ruth bunting.
Marty: Raquel Welch wearing a parka.
Harry: Benny picking up a check.
Al: It would be like my mother going to a buffet and only having a salad. Did I say that?

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: How could you let Tim put in such a ridiculous alarm system?
Jill: Well, it was actually my idea.
Wilson: Your idea?
Jill: Yeah. After you got robbed, I got scared. I started imaging horrible things happening to the family. Crazy people lurking behind every door, scaring the kids, taking all our stuff.
Wilson: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. And you thought that by putting in a state-of-the-art alarm system, you'd no longer be afraid.
Jill: Well, yeah. But now all I'm afraid of is setting off this insane system!
Wilson: Well, Jill, I wouldn't worry about it. As the physicist Edward Teller told me over borscht at the Russian Tea Room, total security has never been available to anyone. To expect it is unrealistic. To imagine that it can exist is an invite to disaster.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Oh, boy! I just cannot believe this happened. They took some of my most valued possessions.
Officer Guidry: All right, what'd they get? A TV? Stereo?
Wilson: No, no, no. Much worse than that. Number one, they took my cheek extender from Fiji. Number two, they took my stuffed cow's hoof. But the thing that really makes me feel violated is they took my African mucous cup.
Tim: They always take the good stuff.
Officer Guidry: How am I gonna write this up? I mean, what's an African mucous cup worth?
Wilson: Well, not much here in Detroit. But in Africa you can get six goats and a virgin.

Quote from Jill

Tim: But you'd be proud of me. I did just what you'd do. I got a base-down, stripped unit. Bottom-of-the-line, very simple.
Jill: Bottom-of-the-line?
Tim: Bottom-of-the-line. Almost an empty box.
Jill: What are you, crazy?
Tim: What?
Jill: Do you care nothing about your family?
Tim: What?
Jill: Well, the kids are alone all the time now. Mark is terrified. You come home with this toy?
Tim: [stammering] Do you want something bigger?
Jill: Yes! Yes! I want something much, much bigger!
Tim: Well, uh... Am I in the right house?

Quote from Al

Al: I hope they didn't get his mucous cup.
Harry: What the hell is a mucous cup?
Al: Well, it's an earthenware goblet from Africa that's used as a spittoon for excess phlegm.
Tim: You sure seem to know a lot about a mucous cup. Were you around the crime scene eleven or so this morning?
Marty: Yeah, Al. Everybody knows you always dreamed of owning a complete set of mucous-ware.
Al: No matter how much I covet a mucous cup, I would never steal one.

Quote from Harry

Marty: Hey, Tim. Didn't Wilson have a security system or something?
Tim: No, I don't think so.
Benny: I have the best security system in the world - I own nothing of value.
Harry: Hey, I got an even better one. My wife Delores. Burglar takes a look at her with no makeup, he's scared straight.

Quote from Marty

Tim: Hey! Maybe it's time "The Tool Man" had his own security system.
Harry: Oh, boy! I've been waiting for this day a long time.
Tim: All right, all right, all right.
Benny: Tim buying an alarm system? Ka-ching. Ka-ching.
Marty: Yeah. This is gonna be good. The Tim Taylor High-Security Compound. It's gonna be the only home with first-strike capability.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Oh, good God! How much longer must I endure this madness? Bells and whistles and little men popping up at all hours of the night?
Jill: I am so sorry, Wilson. I don't want to upset you. You're the only neighbor who is still speaking to us.
Wilson: Well, I am about one siren blast away from going over to the other side.
Jill: Well, I'm about ready to join you.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Did you get my spaghetti made? I have to make it to that potluck in Ypsilanti... Oh, my God! What is that?
Tim: That is the Binford 6100 Commercial Vacu-Hood. The residential version only has a one-horsepower blower motor. This bad boy has ten horsepower. What do you think?
Jill: Very impressive.
Tim: Thanks.
Jill: Take it down.
Tim: Look, honey, you don't even know what you have here.
Jill: I asked you for a simple little exhaust fan.
Tim: Well, this simple little exhaust fan will suck 20,000 cubic feet of stinky air a minute.
Jill: Take it down.
Tim: You want stinky air?
Jill: I live with it in the bedroom. I can live with it in the kitchen.

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