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‘Alarmed by Burglars’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Alarmed by Burglars

525. Alarmed by Burglars

Aired May 14, 1996

After Wilson's house is robbed, Jill encourages Tim to install a state-of-the-art alarm system.

Quote from Al

Tim: Guys, I'm serious. I'm serious. I think it's time "The Tool Man" just scaled back a bit.
Benny: Yeah, right. That would be like Babe Ruth bunting.
Marty: Raquel Welch wearing a parka.
Harry: Benny picking up a check.
Al: It would be like my mother going to a buffet and only having a salad. Did I say that?

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Quote from Jill

Jill: Look, if this can happen to Wilson, it can happen to us! I want floodlights, surveillance cameras, uh, uh, uh...
panic buttons, uh, uh, the works, everything!
Tim: You know, I am... I am getting very excited. I hope this isn't just a big tease.
Jill: I am not teasing you. I am turning you loose to buy the biggest, most powerful security system that money can buy.
Tim: [groans] Ohh...
Jill: I will even allow you to do a Tool Time remote in the house.
Tim: I have never loved you as much as I do at this moment.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: How could you let Tim put in such a ridiculous alarm system?
Jill: Well, it was actually my idea.
Wilson: Your idea?
Jill: Yeah. After you got robbed, I got scared. I started imaging horrible things happening to the family. Crazy people lurking behind every door, scaring the kids, taking all our stuff.
Wilson: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. And you thought that by putting in a state-of-the-art alarm system, you'd no longer be afraid.
Jill: Well, yeah. But now all I'm afraid of is setting off this insane system!
Wilson: Well, Jill, I wouldn't worry about it. As the physicist Edward Teller told me over borscht at the Russian Tea Room, total security has never been available to anyone. To expect it is unrealistic. To imagine that it can exist is an invite to disaster.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Oh, boy! I just cannot believe this happened. They took some of my most valued possessions.
Officer Guidry: All right, what'd they get? A TV? Stereo?
Wilson: No, no, no. Much worse than that. Number one, they took my cheek extender from Fiji. Number two, they took my stuffed cow's hoof. But the thing that really makes me feel violated is they took my African mucous cup.
Tim: They always take the good stuff.
Officer Guidry: How am I gonna write this up? I mean, what's an African mucous cup worth?
Wilson: Well, not much here in Detroit. But in Africa you can get six goats and a virgin.

Quote from Jill

Tim: But you'd be proud of me. I did just what you'd do. I got a base-down, stripped unit. Bottom-of-the-line, very simple.
Jill: Bottom-of-the-line?
Tim: Bottom-of-the-line. Almost an empty box.
Jill: What are you, crazy?
Tim: What?
Jill: Do you care nothing about your family?
Tim: What?
Jill: Well, the kids are alone all the time now. Mark is terrified. You come home with this toy?
Tim: [stammering] Do you want something bigger?
Jill: Yes! Yes! I want something much, much bigger!
Tim: Well, uh... Am I in the right house?

Quote from Al

Al: I hope they didn't get his mucous cup.
Harry: What the hell is a mucous cup?
Al: Well, it's an earthenware goblet from Africa that's used as a spittoon for excess phlegm.
Tim: You sure seem to know a lot about a mucous cup. Were you around the crime scene eleven or so this morning?
Marty: Yeah, Al. Everybody knows you always dreamed of owning a complete set of mucous-ware.
Al: No matter how much I covet a mucous cup, I would never steal one.

Quote from Harry

Marty: Hey, Tim. Didn't Wilson have a security system or something?
Tim: No, I don't think so.
Benny: I have the best security system in the world - I own nothing of value.
Harry: Hey, I got an even better one. My wife Delores. Burglar takes a look at her with no makeup, he's scared straight.

Quote from Marty

Tim: Hey! Maybe it's time "The Tool Man" had his own security system.
Harry: Oh, boy! I've been waiting for this day a long time.
Tim: All right, all right, all right.
Benny: Tim buying an alarm system? Ka-ching. Ka-ching.
Marty: Yeah. This is gonna be good. The Tim Taylor High-Security Compound. It's gonna be the only home with first-strike capability.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Oh, good God! How much longer must I endure this madness? Bells and whistles and little men popping up at all hours of the night?
Jill: I am so sorry, Wilson. I don't want to upset you. You're the only neighbor who is still speaking to us.
Wilson: Well, I am about one siren blast away from going over to the other side.
Jill: Well, I'm about ready to join you.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Did you get my spaghetti made? I have to make it to that potluck in Ypsilanti... Oh, my God! What is that?
Tim: That is the Binford 6100 Commercial Vacu-Hood. The residential version only has a one-horsepower blower motor. This bad boy has ten horsepower. What do you think?
Jill: Very impressive.
Tim: Thanks.
Jill: Take it down.
Tim: Look, honey, you don't even know what you have here.
Jill: I asked you for a simple little exhaust fan.
Tim: Well, this simple little exhaust fan will suck 20,000 cubic feet of stinky air a minute.
Jill: Take it down.
Tim: You want stinky air?
Jill: I live with it in the bedroom. I can live with it in the kitchen.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hey, Brad. Some of that spaghetti got all the way across the street into Doc Johnson's Buick.
Jason: Hi, Mr. Taylor.
Tim: Hello, Jason. Brad, I thought we talked about Jason coming over while you're doing your homework.
Jason: I didn't come to see Brad. Came to see you!
Tim: [chuckles] Is that a fact, Jason?
Jason: Yeah. I just wanted to ask your advice on power tools. I'm thinking of buying my first one.
Tim: Really? What kind are you gonna buy, Jason?
Jason: I was thinking of buying a seven-and-a-quarter-inch circular saw.
Tim: Really?
Jason: Yeah. Something with a combination blade.
Tim: All right! That's good for crosscutting and rip-cutting. But you want to get yourself a fine-tooth finish blade for precise cuts.
Jason: Stainless steel?
Tim: I'd go with the carbide tip.
Jason: Thank you. Well, I gotta get home and watch today's Tool Time. I tape 'em all.
Tim: Don't be such a stranger around here, Jason. Boy, oh, boy. I love that kid.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Wilson, what happened?
Wilson: Well, Tim, I'm afraid I had a break-in.
Tim: Are you all right?
Wilson: Yeah, I'm a little shook up. Luckily I wasn't here when it happened. Tim, this is Officer Guidry. Officer Guidry, this is my neighbor, Tim Taylor.
Tim: How are you doing?
Officer Guidry: Oh, yeah. I've seen your show.
Tim: It's always nice to meet a fan.
Officer Guidry: Who said I was a fan?

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hey, Jase. How's that new saw?
Jason: Saw? Oh, just fine. Very... sharp.
Tim: I'm going to have to ask you guys to get out of the room because we're doing a Tool Time in here, all right?
Jason: Wow. You're doing an actual Tool Time right here in the house?
Tim: I bet you'd like to watch, wouldn't you?
Jason: Well, I wish I could. But finals are starting Monday. And that's always a very hectic time for me.
Tim: Keep your nose to the grindstone, son.
Jason: I will. And if I ever buy a grindstone, I assure you it'll be a Binford.

Quote from Tim

Al: Well, you've just watched us install one of the most advanced security systems available.
Tim: Now, our next step is to pick a secret password and provide that to your security company.
Al: You want to pick a word that's easy to remember, perhaps has a special meaning for you, like the name of a pet or a loved one.
Tim: For instance, I picked "saber saw."
Al: Perhaps now you'd like to choose a word that our viewing audience hasn't heard.
Tim: Perhaps. And for all you criminals out there, it might not be another tool. It might be a car.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Honey, we're all set.
Jill: Great. Show me how it works.
Tim: Easy as pie. Now, this is the downstairs panel. You can operate the entire system from this panel alone on simple 21 buttons, okay?
Jill: 21 buttons.
Tim: That's right. 21 buttons, 18 zones.
Jill: 21 buttons, 18 zones.
Tim: That's right. It's very simple. Now, if you want to leave the house and set the whole system in gear, you press "arm-command" "36824-star-7." OK? All right. All right now, if you're in the house during the day and you do not want the motion sensors on, which is a great idea - "arm-command-A3423423." Simple, yeah? "Star-bypass-pound-6." Are you with me so far?
Jill: I lost you after you said, "This is the downstairs panel."

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