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‘The Vasectomy One’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: The Vasectomy One

516. The Vasectomy One

Aired February 6, 1996

Jill wants Tim to consider getting a vasectomy.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I thought you were talking about the tube-tying thing.
Jill: Well, I am talking about tube-tying, except it's your tubes.
Tim: You can back up that clip ship right now.
Jill: Honey, it is much safer for a man to get a vasectomy than it is for a woman to have a tubal ligation.
Tim: Says who? The Wives with Knives Club?

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Quote from Jill

Tim: A woman? You brought me here to see a woman?
Jill: I didn't know she was a woman. My gynecologist just said that Dr. Kaplan was the best urologist in town.
Tim: How am I supposed to talk to a woman about what's going on in manland?
Jill: Manland? Now you got a theme park between your legs?

Quote from Tim

Jill: Why don't you tell us what's involved in the procedure.
Tim: Yeah, I'm dying to hear this.
Dr. Kaplan: Well, the morning of your appointment, you'll have to shave in the area where I'll be making the incisions.
Tim: Shave? Here?
Dr. Kaplan: It's just a routine procedure.
Tim: Not in my house it's not. What do you think? I wake up, brush my teeth and shave ping and pong?
Jill: Well, you could go to a barber, but it might be a little awkward.

Quote from Tim

Dr. Kaplan: The first thing I do is give you a shot that's a local.
Tim: Local, like here in Detroit?
Dr. Kaplan: No. Local like here in your scrotum.
Tim: Oh, boy.
Dr. Kaplan: That does sting for a few seconds.
Tim: You think?

Quote from Jill

Tim: You heard what she said. Shots, shaving? You don't understand about the pain down there.
Jill: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait a minute! I don't understand about the pain down there? I, who had three children ripped from my loins... in what is laughingly described as "natural" childbirth?
Tim: Oh, boy. Here we go. The pain of childbirth. Isn't there a statute of limitations on this?
Jill: Isn't there a statute of limitations on you being a complete bonehead? You are unwilling to accept responsibility for what I have accepted total responsibility for solely since we met!

Quote from Benny

Tim: I'm not getting a vasectomy. I'm just talking about it, okay.
Marty: Yeah, well, all I know is I'd never let Nancy let me get clipped. You know? I mean, who'd want someone coming at you with a set of these?
Al: That's not what they use!
Benny: Then what does the vet use to cut them off?
Tim: What? You don't go to a vet - you go to a doctor. They don't cut anything off. They just tie something off inside.
Benny: I would still never get a vasectomy.
Harry: Well, why would you need one?

Quote from Tim

Jill: Tim, Tim, Tim, wait, wait, wait. Um... My husband, I think, is just concerned about how this is gonna affect his performance.
Tim: Honey! [chuckles] Let me handle this. You see, I put on a good show. And I just want to make sure the curtain doesn't come down in the middle of the first act.
Dr. Kaplan: This will not in any way affect your sexual function. We simply cut off the flow of sperm...
Tim: Oh, boy.
Dr. Kaplan: To prevent it from entering the seminal stream.
Tim: Mmm-hmm. So, I'm fishing without bait now.
Dr. Kaplan: No bait.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Tim, didn't you hear one word that doctor said?
Tim: Yeah, yeah! She wants to take the zip-a-dee out of my doo-dah.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Well, Tim, it's perfectly natural for a man to be proud of his virility. It gives him a sense of power to be able to pass down his genes.
Tim: [grunts] Yeah. I like power in my genes.
Wilson: As a matter of fact, in many cultures, a man is measured by his ability to procreate. In the Zulu tribe of KwaZulu-Natal, the more children a man has, the higher his status.
Tim: Well, I don't want to have any more children. I just like knowing that I can.
Wilson: Hm.
Tim: When Jill first told me she was pregnant, I never felt more like a man.
Wilson: Well, that's perfectly understandable.
Tim: I knew a guy would understand.
Wilson: I also understand there are lots of other things that make you a man.
Tim: Such as?
Wilson: Well, the way you live your life, take care of your kids... your commitment to Jill.

Quote from Harry

Tim: You know, this is amazing. Really amazing. You know a guy all your life and you don't know what's going on under his pants. [puts his hand on Harry's shoulder]
Harry: You know, just between you and me, there's nothing to it. You feel exactly the same as you did before. The only difference is your sex life.
Tim: What happens to it?
Harry: Any time, any place.
Tim: [laughs] Any time, any place.
Harry: You got it.
Tim: So this helped your relationship?
Harry: Well, nothing could help our relationship. But our sex life is a lot better. Well, just this morning I was getting ready to go to work, and Delores came in with curlers in her hair, and nothing else...
Tim: Harry, you've helped enough.

Quote from Tim

Tim: So I should get a vasectomy?
Wilson: Oh, Tim, I can't tell you what to do. I do know if I had a vasectomy, I would not feel like any less of a man.
Tim: Well, if you had one, neither would l.

Quote from Benny

Marty: No. Jill's making Tim get a vasectomy.
Tim: Marty!
Harry: A vasectomy?
Al: Wow.
Benny: Oh, my God! Jill's getting you fixed?

Quote from Mark

Mark: Aren't you getting tired of looking at your butt?
Randy: Surprisingly, no. Mark, let me tell you something no one's ever gonna tell you in life. Looks matter and... I got 'em.
Mark: Just too bad you're sitting on 'em.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Look, I know how hard it was for you to even talk to that doctor. But I had hoped that once we got out of there, we could have a rational, reasonable discussion about it.
Tim: We did in the car on the way home.
Jill: All you did all the way home was come up with one ridiculous excuse after another.
Tim: That's not true. I merely said that, for this sort of thing, it might be better to wait for warmer weather.
Jill: I'll knit you a little sweater.

Quote from Harry

Tim: You are getting very henpecked, Martin.
Marty: Speaking of "pecked," I heard about your little visit with the urologist tomorrow.
Tim: Marty, that's not public information, OK?
Al: What's the matter? Are you sick?
Tim: No. No. Huh?
Harry: Mm-mm. It's your prostate, right? Mine's as big as a Florida grapefruit.

Quote from Tim

Dr. Kaplan: Then I make two small cuts, and simply divide and tie up the tubes. The discomfort is very minimal.
Tim: Why don't you tell that to the boys in the basement?
Dr. Kaplan: You'll be back to normal in a few days. The only restriction is you won't be able to drive home that day.
Tim: What? I can't drive? Forget about it.
Jill: What do you mean, "Forget about it"?
Tim: Honey, honestly, I was really into it up to that point. The driving thing iced it.
Jill: It's just one day!
Tim: Look, it's bad enough to separate a man from his sperm. But separate a man from his car? That's inhuman. Harold, wait up.

Quote from Tim

Tim: This is not about accepting responsibility. This is about me being neutered and chewing on my slippers.
Jill: Who said anything about you being neutered?
Tim: Certain experts I talked to.
Jill: Oh, what experts, Harry and Benny? Where did they get their degrees? University of I'm An Idiot?
Tim: Well, they may be idiots, but they think exactly like I do.

Quote from Harry

Tim: Harry, what are you doing here? Did you guys come up with another vasectomy joke?
Harry: Uh, actually we came up with 12. But that's not why I'm here. I, uh... I came by to apologize for the other day. We were a little rough on you.
Tim: Hey, no kidding. Harry, I can take a joke, OK?
Harry: Yeah. You know, Tim, lots of guys have had vasectomies, and they're just as manly as they ever were.
Tim: Oh, yeah? You name one.
Harry: Me.
Tim: [inquisitive grunt]
Harry: Yeah. I had one five years ago.
Tim: Really? Well, at least we know it doesn't make your voice get any higher.
Harry: Actually, it did.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Welcome back to "Gadget Corner."
June: Next, we have an air-powered appliance mover.
Tim: Now, this is a very useful device. I have one of these myself. It's an easy way to move furniture around without scratching the floor or hurting your back.
June: The panels are attached to a blower unit.
Tim: Right. Marv, you wanna close in here. I'll show you these. The air is forced into these aluminum air beams.
June: Which creates enough air pressure to lift weights of up to 700 pounds.
Tim: Which is how Al moves his mom room to room.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Wait until I tell you about what I found out at school today. You know my friend Patty?
Tim: That woman you like 'cause she's older than you?
Jill: Yeah. Get a load of this. She's pregnant.
Tim: That's great.
Jill: Patty doesn't think it's so great. She's 43 years old. She's got teenagers at home. She was so thrilled to be back at school, and now everything's gonna change.
Tim: Well, maybe Patty and Mr. Patty should have used some precautions.
Jill: They were using precautions. The same kind we use.
Tim: [grunts] Oh, no.
Jill: I wouldn't want to find myself in that boat.
Tim: I wouldn't want to find myself in that harbor.

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