Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Birth of a Hot Rod’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Birth of a Hot Rod

224. Birth of a Hot Rod

Aired May 12, 1993

Jill is annoyed that Tim keeps putting off repairs around the house because he's so focused on finally getting the hot rod running.

Quote from Tim

Jill: I tell you what. I am going to fix the stove and I will fix the ice dispenser.
Tim: You are so cute.
Jill: What? You don't think I can do it?
Tim: No, I have a lot of faith. Lot of faith in a woman who uses tool terms like "whatchamacallit," "thingamajig" and my personal favorite, "doohickey."

Rate

Quote from Wilson

Jill: What is it with men, Wilson? You know, they'll spend hours on an engine, putting up a satellite dish, but they won't take five minutes and fix a simple little doorknob.
Wilson: Well, Jill, I find your question astute and sagacious.
Tim: Give it to her, Wilson.
Jill: That's a compliment, Tim.
Wilson: See, Jill, historically, men have been drawn to the jobs that bring them attention and glory, like discovering new lands or winning wars. Women, however, have been expected to work quietly and steadily to maintain the home.
Jill: But that's a long time ago, Wilson. I mean, times are changing. Women are working, men are staying at home, both are working. Roles are reversing.
Wilson: Trenchant and perspicacious.
Tim: Now, that can't possibly be a compliment.
Wilson: I'm afraid so, Tim.
Tim: Oh, you did it to me again.

Quote from Tim

Wilson: A wise man once said, "Every job has one thing in common. It has to be done and it has to be done well."
Jill: Well, that's kinda nice.
Tim: Who said that?
Wilson: You did.
Tim: [grunts] I used to be a pretty smart fella.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Brad and I regapped the plugs, fixed the ignition. I'm ready to start the engine. [clears throat]
Jill: What's the matter, honey? Aren't you gonna start it?
Tim: I got goose bumps.
Jill: You want me to start it?
Tim: No, no, no. I just want to savor the moment. You know, this idea started in my head, and piece by piece, the parts started to roll in.
Jill: For the engine or your head?
Tim: No, no, no. Carburetors, from Cleveland. Yeah. Fuel pump, Tulsa. Distributor, Akron. Crankshaft, somewhere in...
Jill: Tim. Start the car.
Tim: So much for savoring the moment with my loved ones. It's time to bring the sleeping beast to life.

Quote from Jill

Tim: This would have been a real simple project, now you screwed up, it'll take me three times as long to do it.
Jill: Oh, cry me a river! If you'd fixed this in the first place, we wouldn't have this problem, would we?
Tim: So, it's my fault that you screwed it up?
Jill: Hey, this is no more screwed up than it was before you didn't fix it.
Tim: I really want to argue with that, but I have no idea what you just said to me.

Quote from Jill

Jill: You are so pathetic. Look, look. This is you doing household repairs. [grunts]
Tim: You got a tool belt on, put a little more beef in that grunt. [Jill grunts] Better.
Jill: All right. Jill asked me to fix that doorknob, but before I do any actual work, I'd better stop and think about it for a couple of hours. [scratches] OK. Enough thinking. Now... Gotta run to the hardware store and buy hundreds of dollars' worth of tools I don't need.
Tim: Whoa, whoa, whoa. There's no such thing as a tool I don't need.
Jill: OK, Jill. I bought my new tools.
Tim: [high-pitched voice] I can't believe you bought another tool you don't need.
Jill: But, before I work, I gotta clear my head. [belches]
Tim: Boy, Tim, I don't think I've ever wanted you more.

Quote from Jill

Tim: How'd you find him? How do you know what kind of quality work he does? What do you know about the guy?
Jill: That's why I called Al. He recommended him very highly.
Tim: What? You told Al I needed a repairman in my own home?
Jill: Well, he didn't laugh that long.
Tim: He's gonna blab it all over Tool Time. What am I supposed to say to my die-hard fans?
Jill: Put them both in the front seat of the car and tell them the truth.

Quote from Jill

Jill: You promised me you were gonna fix that thing.
Tim: I got my belt out, I'm half-done.
Jill: That's you, Tim. You're always half-done.
Tim: We had three kids, didn't we?
Jill: We planned on six.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hey, hey, hey, I'm trying to work on the engine out here. What's going on?
Randy: Dad, tell Mark to keep his grubby hands out of the Cocoa Busters.
Tim: Mark!
Mark: But I want the 3-D baseball cards.
Tim: [inquisitive grunt] 3-D? I'll get 'em out of there.
Randy: Dad, they're not in there. You have to eat eight boxes and send in the proofs-of-purchase.
Tim: For a normal family that would pose a problem, but we're Taylors. Let's pig out. Open those hoods. [Tim pours cereal into the boys' mouths]
Jill: Very classy.
Tim: And the good news is, hon, they got 2% of our daily minimum requirement of riboflavin.
Jill: Whoa. Riboflavin. Can't get enough of that.

Quote from Tim

Jill: OK. I tell you what. You don't want me to do the jobs? When are you going to fix the ice dispenser?
Tim: Soon.
Jill: When are you gonna fix the burner?
Tim: Soon.
Jill: When, Tim? When?
Tim: Soon, Jill, soon.
Jill: So, what? You're just gonna wait until the burner backs up and the whole house explodes?
Tim: We've survived explosions before, huh?

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hi, welcome to Tool Time. Boy, this is one of our favorite weeks of the year. Right, Al?
Al: That's right, Tim. It's our annual Lawn Care Week, right here on Tool Time.
Tim: And, you know, you're judged by the lawn you keep. Guys, we want people driving by our house and going: "Hey. There's a nice lawn. A real man lives there." But the women don't seem to care. They just drop their ThighMasters and go: "Hey, get out there and cut the grass, will ya?" 'Cause women don't understand. We do not "cut the grass." We mow the lawn. We feed it, we pamper it, we nurture it.
Al: We caress it.
Tim: Al. [whistles] Al. It's a piece of sod. You're not on shore leave, fella.

Quote from Tim

Al: Well, as you can see, we have several types of grass here for you to consider. Bermuda.
Tim: Beautiful for shade.
Al: Kentucky bluegrass.
Tim: Thick and robust.
Al: And regular fescue.
Tim: Do you suppose if this grass had an emergency, it'd call "Fescue, 911?"
Al: My guess would be "no."

Quote from Jill

Randy: Phew. Dad, you stink. Light a match, huh?
Tim: It's not me, wise guy, we did a little salute to fertilizer on Tool Time. I got to ride a cow.
Jill: Why? Was the pig in the shop? [laughs]
Randy: Maybe it was in for its 20,000-oink checkup.
Jill: Or it was having its porking brake fixed. [laughs]
Tim: Is there a two-drink minimum in here?
Jill: Honey, go on upstairs and wash up, 'cause at 6:00 on TV they're showing Porky and Bess.

Quote from Tim

Jill: How's it going, Gus?
Gus: Just fine. I'll be done with the stove in a jiffy. Then I'll get the ice dispenser.
Jill: Ice! I'll have ice. Little frozen cubes of water. I've waited so long. Thank you, Gus.
Gus: My pleasure. I could clean out these ignition holes in the burner if you have a pipe cleaner.
Jill: Yeah, I got some in the garage. I'll be right back.
Tim: Honey, I'm home.
Jill: [o.s.] Hi!
Tim: So, how was your day?
Gus: Fine, thanks for asking.
Tim: Jill, the mustache is different.
Gus: [chuckles] Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. You're even funny without Al.

Quote from Tim

Jill: I see you met Gus. Here you go. Gus is almost finished repairing the stove.
Tim: You hired a repairman.
Jill: Yes. I did.
Gus: I hope my work gets the Tim Taylor seal of approval.
Tim: Well, let's see what you did.
Gus: OK. I adjusted the screws on the gas line, checked the electronic ignition switch and replaced the burner manifold assembly.
Tim: Yeah, just what I woulda done.
Gus: Wait till all the guys down at the shop hear that Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor needed me to do his household repairs.
Tim: You don't really need to spread that around.
Gus: Are you kidding? I'm gonna tell everyone I know.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Wilson, I've been trying to get him to fix that stove for three and a half weeks. That's why I called the repairman.
Tim: I was gonna do it, you just didn't give me the time.
Jill: Tim, you don't want me to nag you about doing the jobs, you don't want to do the jobs, you don't want me to call a repairman. What am I supposed to do?
Tim: Wilson, jump in any time.
Wilson: I'm here for you, Tim. But this time you haven't got a leg to stand on.
Tim: What is this? Gang up on Tim day?

Quote from Al

Al: Actually though, when you do sharpen these at home, it gives you a great deal of satisfaction, but it also takes an awful lot of hard work.
Tim: That's true. Which brings us to the Tool Time tip of the day. Every job has one thing in common. It must be done, and it must be done well. You know who said that, don't you?
Al: Yes, I do. I told you that last year.
Tim: You did not.
Al: Yes, I did.
Tim: No, you didn't.
Al: Yes, I did.
Tim: Did not.
Al: Did too.
Tim: Not.
Al: Did. Too.
Tim: Remember, a real man finishes any job he starts. Even if it may be tedious or have no glory. Right, Al?
Al: That's true, Tim. Took me almost a half hour to sharpen these so you could come out, file them for ten seconds and take the credit.

Quote from Tim

Jim: Now, I always use a string as a guide to give the hedge a nice straight line.
Tim: That's good advice. Good advice.
Al: And for that particular job, Jim would be using the Binford SHD 6500 hedge clippers.
Tim: SHD. That's super-heavy-duty. [grunts] You know, there's a lot of creative ways to trim your hedges. And Jim has been nice enough to bring out some examples of his very nice work.
Jim: Now, Tim, these are called topiaries. Each one takes hundreds of man-hours to shape and cultivate, and up to five years to grow.
Tim: Five years? [whistles] I guess that's why they say: [sings] It's a long way to Topiary It's a long way to go, go, go

Quote from Tim

Tim: I understand that you... Wh...? [sneezes] Excuse me. I must be allergic to something in here. Oh. Anyway. Thanks, Al. So, I understand you do a lot of this trimming by hand.
Jim: Yes, I do. And with pruning shears.
Tim: [sneezes] Want me to trim a little bit for you?
Jim: You'd better not. It takes a lot of experience. But I'll demonstrate some shaping on the elephant with my pruning shears.
[After Tim sneezes and decapitates the flamingo topiary, Tim and Al both hold the head in place]
Jim: And... There you have it.
Tim: Hey. Very very interesting, Jim, and I really appreciate you being here. And we'll be right back after these messages from Binford Tools.
[As Lisa wheels away the topiary, Tim is left holding the head]
Jim: [gasps] [whimpers]

Quote from Randy

Tim: OK, all right, all right. The moment has arrived. Here we go. See if we can start this thing. All right? Clear? Everybody? [engine sputters] Yeah, yeah, yeah! Come on! Come on! Daah.
Randy: Boy. Listen to that baby purr.
Brad: Dad, what did we do wrong?
Tim: I don't know. Could be ignition, could be distributor, could be spark plugs.
Randy: Could be you.
Tim: Ease up, wing nut.

Page 2 
 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode