Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘When Harry Kept Delores’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: When Harry Kept Delores

518. When Harry Kept Delores

Aired February 20, 1996

When Delores starts working at the hardware store after her waitress hours are cut, it puts a wrench in her relationship with Harry.

Quote from Delores

Marty: Guess your day's going better than ours.
Tim: Guess again. The Mustang's in the shop. I'm driving Jill's Nomad. I hate driving her car. I get in there... Of course, no gas, hasn't been washed in, like, three months. There's cookie crumbs in the front seat. Why can't she take care of a car? How simple would it be...
Delores: Could it be that she's a tad busy going to school, raising three kids and making sure you have a nice house to come home to?
Tim: Could be. [Delores walks off] This is unbelievable! Something's seriously wrong with this country if you can't walk in a hardware store and complain about your wife, I'll tell you that right now.

Rate

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: I was just on my way over there to wish you and Jill a happy Terminalia Day.
Tim: Happy Terminalia Day?
Wilson: Mm-hmm.
Tim: What's this one all about?
Wilson: Ah, Terminalia Day. Well, this is a Roman festival where neighbors bond with each other in order to promote the spirit of community.
Tim: Wonderful. How do they do that?
Wilson: Well, traditionally, they slaughter a suckling pig and then they splatter their fences with its blood.
Tim: Well, I've slaughtered a marriage this week. Bring on the pig!

Quote from Wilson

Tim: This is about a couple that shouldn't be splitting up. He's singing and dancing about it. But I know differently. I know somewhere this guy still loves her. Somewhere inside he loves her. I know that!
Wilson: Tim, that is so insightful.
Tim: Don't start with me. Just give me some advice on how I can help my friend Harry.
Wilson: Well, have you tried talking to him?
Tim: Yes, I've tried talking to him. I've been to the hardware store. Called him a couple of times. But he acts like nothing's going on.
Wilson: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Tim, I'm reminded of the French author, Andre Gide, who wrote: "It is not by plugging away at a difficulty that one can overcome it. Often it's by working on the difficulty next to it."
Tim: Ah! I did not know that.

Quote from Delores

Jill: So, what else is new?
Delores: Well, they cut my hours back at the coffee shop from full-time to one day a week.
Jill: Oh, Delores, I'm so sorry.
Delores: Well, of course, they didn't take any hours away from the younger, prettier waitress.
Harry: She's 60 years old! They didn't take any of her time because she's nicer than you.
Delores: I'm nice! Tim and Jill think I'm nice! Don't you think I'm nice?
Jill: Oh, yeah. So nice.
Tim: Yes. You give new meaning to the word "nice."

Quote from Harry

Tim: Hey, guys. Talk to Harry? Is he here?
Al: No. He overslept. Said it was the first time in 25 years he didn't have Delores's face to shock him awake.
Tim: Guys, this means they really split up. He must feel terrible.
Harry: [enters, singing] Oh, what a beautiful morning Oh, what a beautiful day I've got a beautiful feeling. [talks] Hi, guys. Hey, how are you doing here? Oh, man! I feel like a million bucks!
Marty: Yeah, Harry's pain's really overwhelming him.

Quote from Delores

Delores: Well, maybe when my shift is over, I'll go talk to him.
Tim: Well... why don't you go now? I'll cover for you.
Delores: Yeah?
Tim: Yeah.
Delores: Well, thanks. I mean, there's nothing to it. You just pick up the orders and give them to the customers.
Tim: OK.
Delores: Oh, and make sure to smile. People don't like a sourpuss.

Quote from Delores

Benny: Gotta be some doughnuts in here someplace.
Marty: [holds up coffee machine] Hey, Benny! I found it!
Benny: Great.
Delores: All right, you freeloaders! You got five minutes to buy something. Otherwise, you're out on your fat rumps!
Marty: She brings a soft, gentle quality to the hardware store.
Benny: Being around her really is depressing. I have half a mind to go out and look for a job.
Al: Yeah, well, how do you think I feel? I'm part owner, and she makes me feel like a stock boy.
Delores: Hey, stocky boy! Run across the street and get me some hot tea.
Tim: Yeah, "stocky boy." Remember how she likes it - two sugars and a big lump of arsenic.

Quote from Harry

Randy: Hi, guys. See you later. We're going to the mall.
Delores: Oh, aren't you boys joining us?
Mark: Dad said we didn't have to stay.
Harry: Hey, did he mention if I have to?
Delores: Very nice, Harry.

Quote from Delores

Tim: Can I get you guys something to drink?
Harry: Yeah. I can use a drink after a day like today.
Jill: Why? What happened?
Harry: I woke up and Delores was next to me.
Delores: Yeah. Well, the view from my side wasn't exactly a Kodak moment.

Quote from Delores

Jill: So, Delores, does this mean that you have to look for a new job now?
Delores: Yeah. Of course I wouldn't have to if Harry ran the hardware store more efficiently.
Harry: What's wrong with the way I run the hardware store?
Delores: In a nutshell - everything. You let your lazy, bum friends hang out and buy nothing. I should work there.
Harry: I don't want you anywhere near my store.
Delores: I'd whip it in shape and double the profits.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Let me jump in. You know, Harry's hardware store is not just a place to buy things. It's also a place where men hang out. And women really don't belong there.
Jill: Really, Tim? Where do women belong?
Tim: A woman's hangout. Beauty parlor. Yarn Barn.

Quote from Delores

Jill: If Delores wants to work in the hardware store, I see no reason why she shouldn't.
Delores: Thank you for your support, Jill.
Harry: Delores, it'll be a cold day in July before you get anywhere near my hardware store!
Delores: Guess what, Harry. Summer's coming early this year!
Tim: Let's eat!

Quote from Jill

Tim: Thanks a lot.
Jill: For what?
Tim: For trying to ruin the hardware store. That's like the last refuge I have on this planet.
Jill: I thought that was the bathroom.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Why did you tell Delores it was a great idea to work in the hardware store?
Jill: Because I think it is. I mean, what exactly do you do in the hardware store that you can't do when Delores is there?
Tim: Guy stuff.
Jill: What kind of guy stuff?
Tim: I can't tell you. It's secret guy stuff.
Jill: Oh! Please. All you guys do is hang around the store all day and complain about your wives.
Tim: Who told?

Quote from Tim

Harry: I can't find anything back there! Delores insisted on filing the clamps alphabetically.
Tim: You gotta do that by size.
Harry: She thinks size doesn't matter.
Tim: Lucky for you.
Marty: Now, see? That's the kind of joke we can't tell anymore with Delores around here.
Tim: You gotta do something about your wife.
Harry: What do you expect me to do?
Tim: Stand up to her. You faced the enemy in Nam, didn't you?
Harry: Yeah, well, they were only trying to kill me, not run my life.

Quote from Delores

Benny: Come on, you can do it!
Marty: Yeah, come on.
Tim: You can do it. [chants] Harry!
Tim, Marty & Benny: Harry! Harry! Harry...
Delores: Hey! Hey! Why don't you Neanderthals take the pep rally back to the cave?
Tim: [to Harry] No retreat, no surrender.

Quote from Delores

Harry: Delores, I want to talk to you!
Delores: Oh, really? What about?
Harry: About you taking a hike. I don't want you working in my hardware store anymore!
Delores: Why? Because your friends don't like it?
Tim: It's not that we don't like it...
Delores: Why are you getting in the middle of our business?
Harry: Because you're in the middle of my business!
Tim: Good point.
Delores: No one asked you.
Tim: Also a good point.

Quote from Benny

Marty: Man, is it great having the hardware store back.
Benny: What a relief. I was this close to looking at the want ads.

Quote from Harry

Tim: Harry, you sure you feel all right?
Harry: I feel great. In fact, I'm in such a good mood, I'm gonna give you half off on that saber saw. Aw, hell! Just take it.
Tim: Harry... Um... Harry, you've been married 25 years, man. You gotta feel a little bad about this. Huh?
Harry: Yeah, you're right, Tim. I... I do feel bad... that it didn't happen 24 years ago! [dances]

Quote from Tim

Tim: You wouldn't know that talking to Harry. He's acting like this is the greatest thing that happened to him.
Jill: He is?
Tim: Yeah. You know what? I'm not buying it. They argue a lot, yes. He loves her. Deep down somewhere, this guy is hurting.
Jill: Oh, my God!
Tim: What happened?
Jill: Did you just hear yourself? You had an insight!
Tim: Me?
Jill: Yes. And it was incredibly sensitive. Instead of taking Harry's behavior at face value, you looked deeper and saw his inner pain.
Tim: I didn't mean to. I swear to God I didn't mean to do that.

Page 2 
 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode