Marty: Guess your day's going better than ours.
Tim: Guess again. The Mustang's in the shop. I'm driving Jill's Nomad. I hate driving her car. I get in there... Of course, no gas, hasn't been washed in, like, three months. There's cookie crumbs in the front seat. Why can't she take care of a car? How simple would it be...
Delores: Could it be that she's a tad busy going to school, raising three kids and making sure you have a nice house to come home to?
Tim: Could be. [Delores walks off] This is unbelievable! Something's seriously wrong with this country if you can't walk in a hardware store and complain about your wife, I'll tell you that right now.

Wilson: I was just on my way over there to wish you and Jill a happy Terminalia Day.
Tim: Happy Terminalia Day?
Wilson: Mm-hmm.
Tim: What's this one all about?
Wilson: Ah, Terminalia Day. Well, this is a Roman festival where neighbors bond with each other in order to promote the spirit of community.
Tim: Wonderful. How do they do that?
Wilson: Well, traditionally, they slaughter a suckling pig and then they splatter their fences with its blood.
Tim: Well, I've slaughtered a marriage this week. Bring on the pig!

Tim: This is about a couple that shouldn't be splitting up. He's singing and dancing about it. But I know differently. I know somewhere this guy still loves her. Somewhere inside he loves her. I know that!
Wilson: Tim, that is so insightful.
Tim: Don't start with me. Just give me some advice on how I can help my friend Harry.
Wilson: Well, have you tried talking to him?
Tim: Yes, I've tried talking to him. I've been to the hardware store. Called him a couple of times. But he acts like nothing's going on.
Wilson: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Tim, I'm reminded of the French author, Andre Gide, who wrote: "It is not by plugging away at a difficulty that one can overcome it. Often it's by working on the difficulty next to it."
Tim: Ah! I did not know that.

Jill: So, what else is new?
Delores: Well, they cut my hours back at the coffee shop from full-time to one day a week.
Jill: Oh, Delores, I'm so sorry.
Delores: Well, of course, they didn't take any hours away from the younger, prettier waitress.
Harry: She's 60 years old! They didn't take any of her time because she's nicer than you.
Delores: I'm nice! Tim and Jill think I'm nice! Don't you think I'm nice?
Jill: Oh, yeah. So nice.
Tim: Yes. You give new meaning to the word "nice."

Tim: Hey, guys. Talk to Harry? Is he here?
Al: No. He overslept. Said it was the first time in 25 years he didn't have Delores's face to shock him awake.
Tim: Guys, this means they really split up. He must feel terrible.
Harry: [enters, singing] Oh, what a beautiful morning Oh, what a beautiful day I've got a beautiful feeling. [talks] Hi, guys. Hey, how are you doing here? Oh, man! I feel like a million bucks!
Marty: Yeah, Harry's pain's really overwhelming him.

Delores: Well, maybe when my shift is over, I'll go talk to him.
Tim: Well... why don't you go now? I'll cover for you.
Delores: Yeah?
Tim: Yeah.
Delores: Well, thanks. I mean, there's nothing to it. You just pick up the orders and give them to the customers.
Tim: OK.
Delores: Oh, and make sure to smile. People don't like a sourpuss.

Benny: Gotta be some doughnuts in here someplace.
Marty: [holds up coffee machine] Hey, Benny! I found it!
Benny: Great.
Delores: All right, you freeloaders! You got five minutes to buy something. Otherwise, you're out on your fat rumps!
Marty: She brings a soft, gentle quality to the hardware store.
Benny: Being around her really is depressing. I have half a mind to go out and look for a job.
Al: Yeah, well, how do you think I feel? I'm part owner, and she makes me feel like a stock boy.
Delores: Hey, stocky boy! Run across the street and get me some hot tea.
Tim: Yeah, "stocky boy." Remember how she likes it - two sugars and a big lump of arsenic.

Randy: Hi, guys. See you later. We're going to the mall.
Delores: Oh, aren't you boys joining us?
Mark: Dad said we didn't have to stay.
Harry: Hey, did he mention if I have to?
Delores: Very nice, Harry.

Tim: Can I get you guys something to drink?
Harry: Yeah. I can use a drink after a day like today.
Jill: Why? What happened?
Harry: I woke up and Delores was next to me.
Delores: Yeah. Well, the view from my side wasn't exactly a Kodak moment.

Jill: So, Delores, does this mean that you have to look for a new job now?
Delores: Yeah. Of course I wouldn't have to if Harry ran the hardware store more efficiently.
Harry: What's wrong with the way I run the hardware store?
Delores: In a nutshell - everything. You let your lazy, bum friends hang out and buy nothing. I should work there.
Harry: I don't want you anywhere near my store.
Delores: I'd whip it in shape and double the profits.