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‘Adventures in Fine Dining’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Adventures in Fine Dining

106. Adventures in Fine Dining

Aired October 22, 1991

Tim tries to the teach the boys table manners after they get thrown out of a family restaurant.

Quote from Randy

Brad: Mom.
Jill: What?
Brad: Dad's cussing.
Tim: I'm not cussing.
Mark: He said a bad word.
Tim: It wasn't bad.
Randy: Yeah, he said "hell" and "damn".
Tim: I did not say "damn".
Randy: Now you did.

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Quote from Tim

Jill: Now, what are we gonna do about our boys' table manners?
Tim: You should give a refresher course.
Jill: Me? What about you?
Tim: [mouth full] Honey, I'm a man. What do I know about manners?
Jill: I see. So table manners are the woman's job.
Tim: Historically. Jill, yes, that's the case. Emily Post. Amy Vanderbilt. And, of course, who could forget Miss Manners? I don't recall an etiquette column called "Ask Chuck". "You know, Chuck, I've been eating pot roast all my life. Get that little gristle piece stuck in the middle of my tooth. Do you suck it out with the tongue or ask somebody to do it? Help me out. Haul that thing out."

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: The problem with your boys is they don't know how to channel their mealtime aggression.
Tim: Mealtime aggression?
Wilson: See, Tim, primitive man was a hunter. He had an intimate relationship with his food.
Tim: Lot of dating with wildebeest going on?
Wilson: No, no, no. I'm talking about a spiritual intimacy. They were at one with their meat.
Tim: [inquisitive grunt]
Wilson: The hunter would stalk and kill his prey, then pay homage to the animal spirit. He would give thanks to the animal for giving its life. But the primitive man in us is confused. Today our food comes to the table. We don't know how it got there.
Tim: Gives you something to think about when you open a can of Spam, doesn't it?
Wilson: Yes, indeedy.

Quote from Mark

Mark: I just want you to know I'm innocent.
Jill: Innocent? Pouring salad dressing down your brother's pants?
Mark: Oh. You saw that?
Jill: Yeah, I saw that.

Quote from Tim

Tim: We've sunk to a new low. Pizza?
Jill: Yeah, if you take off those mushrooms first.
Tim: Those aren't mushrooms, honey.
Jill: I'll pass.
Tim: Would you nuke that for me?
Jill: Nuke it yourself. [Tim makes chimp noises] Don't give me that. You cook for us all the time.
Tim: Me barbecue. Cook outside with flame. Microwave inside, cook with magic. Flame good, magic bad.
Jill: Microwave good, man stupid. [Tim makes chimp calls] Easy, monkey boy. Fire's our friend. Tim, come on. You're gonna drip cheese all over my stove.
Tim: Not to mention burn the hair right off my knuckles.

Quote from Mark

Mark: Dad? Brad and Randy are doing bad things.
Tim: Unless it involves human sacrifice I don't want to hear about it.
Mark: Okay, I'll let you know.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Listen, you are the one that encouraged their bad behavior. Therefore you should have to be the one to teach them good behavior.
Tim: We should do this together.
Jill: No, no. You're the transgressor.
Tim: I never wear your clothes! All right, I do like that taffeta gown. I feel so pretty.

Quote from Tim

Tim: So Al and I have finished that subfloor. And next time, we'll show you how to lay tongue-and-groove hardwood flooring. Al, what size floorboard are we using on that. Al?
Al: Uh, Tim, they're three inches wide by one eighth of an inch thick. They'll be fastened down by driving a nail at a 45-degree angle -hrough their longitudinal tongue.
Tim: Oh! That's gotta hurt, huh? But we do that to hide the nail, don't we?
Al: That's right, Tim.
Tim: I know that sounds complicated. But it's not. And what you'll end up with is an absolutely beautiful dining-room floor. Speaking of dining rooms, that brings me to today's Tool Tip for Tool Time. It's about etiquette. It's a big word. So get out your dictionary. See, the dining room needs two things to be complete. A floor... [chuckles]... and manners. See, when men are together by ourselves. We don't worry about manners, do we? 'cause, hey, we don't need 'em, do we? At the ball game, what's better than a mustard fight with your buddies. Or spit..., spitting beer? Hey, buddy. Hey! Or my personal favorite, jamming two big french fries up that nose. Acting like a walrus. Hey! It's guy stuff, and women don't appreciate guy stuff and that's the truth. I don't think a woman really understands the diaphragmatic control it takes to do all of the vowels in one belch. A-E-I-O-U. Manners. Use manners. It shows you're civilized. It tells women you're civilized. And they'll keep doing things for you. So always remember that. Use the correct fork. Put the napkin in your lap. And always - I do mean always - excuse yourself when you lose a little pressure. Because I want you to remember, men. The first three letters of "manners" are... [grunts]
[title: "Manners" -> "Men"]
Tim: See you next week.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Look, Tim, I found this broccoli in Randy's dirty clothes.
Tim: Hm. Either he's hiding it or not digesting properly.
Jill: Oh! You are so disgusting.

Quote from Tim

Jill: What is all this?
Tim: I'm teaching my men some manners.
Jill: With wooden blocks.
Tim: Rehearsal food, that's what that is.
Jill: Well, gee, I hope they don't like it. I don't have any recipes for wood.
Tim: Sure you do. That meat loaf that you like so much.

Quote from Jill

Tim: If I can't whip these boys into shape. I...
Jill: What? What?
Tim: I will give you anything you want.
Jill: Anything?
Tim: Anything. I know what you want. [adjusts belt]
Jill: No, no, no, Tim. That would be the consolation prize.

Quote from Tim

Jill: I was thinking more along the line of season tickets to the opera.
Tim: [screams] That's a Greek word, isn't it? "Death by music."
Jill: You said anything.
Tim: If that's what you want, fine. But if I want to see a screaming fat lady with horns, I'll go to your mom's house. [laughs]

Quote from Mark

Tim: Mark? What are you doing under there, sweetheart?
Mark: Smelling the inside of the trash can.
Tim: Why are you doing that?
Mark: Brad said he'd give me a quarter if I did.
Tim: What, is Brad, like, the garbage fairy now? Why don't you go inside and wash up?

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: How goes it, good neighbor?
Tim: Hiya, Wilson. What are you making over there?
Wilson: Building a porcupine trap.
Tim: Really? I don't think there's a whole lot of porcupine in the Detroit area, are there?
Wilson: Ah, but if you build it, they will come.

Quote from Brad

Tim: Hey, Brad, can I have a moment with you?
Brad: What?
Tim: Your little brother was underneath that garbage can, smelling it. Where do you get these ideas?
Brad: They just come to me.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Now. I love you boys, but you are bad news in the table manners department. So we're gonna have a crash course.
Brad: Why?
Tim: Why? Because of what happened in the restaurant last night. That's why.
Brad: I told you, it was that stupid clown's fault. You ought to go back and punch him out, Dad.
Tim: Hey! Never hit anybody with makeup - that's the rule.

Quote from Randy

Tim: Bottom line here, we are gonna have a civilized meal. And I set this table nicely. Put those back. A civilized meal means, Brad, no hitting, pinching, kicking. All that jazz at the table you don't think I see. I see it. Don't do it.
Randy, none of these gross-out stories. The boogers, the scab stuff. Scabs that talk to boogers...
Randy: Dad, can we talk about food?
Tim: Hey. Hey, food. Perfect. Let's talk food.
Randy: Okay. Well, today in the cafeteria. We made Bobby Devers laugh so hard he shot peas out his nose.
Brad: No way.
Randy: It was excellent.
Brad: Yeah, but did it have snot on it?

Quote from Brad

Tim: Now we've got to hustle up. We've got to hustle up. Just the ba... Take the knife out of your mouth, please. Just the basics, quick. Tonight's dinner. Do not eat with your hands.
Randy: Well, what if we're having chicken?
Tim: Well, for... Chicken outdoors - use your hands. Chicken indoors - knife and fork.
Brad: What about live chicken?
Tim: A live chicken? Brad, who the hell do you hang out with?

Quote from Wilson

Tim: [cat yowls] Wilson?
Wilson: Hiya, Tim.
Tim: Looks like you caught your first porcupine.
Wilson: No, just Mrs. Foley's cat. [cat yowls] Easy, Fluffy. I'm trying to calm him down a little bit before I set him loose.
Tim: He's not hurt, is he?
Wilson: No, no, no, no, Tim. This is a humane trap. [cat growls] Course, that's my opinion, not Fluffy's.

Quote from Tim

Tim: When laying down that hardwood floor, you could use a hammer and nails. But why would you? That'd take forever. I think what we need here is...
Audience: More power.
Tim: I was thinking right along those lines myself. Now, look what Al brought us out here. The Binford 3-11 series B power nail driver. Thank you, Al.
Al: You're welcome, Tim.
Tim: That's etiquette. Always thank your coworker. Try to say something nice. Al, good-looking slacks. [chuckles] Whoo. That bad boy's raw power. [grunts] The kind of power you need to attach a phone book to a cinder-block wall.
Al: Uh, Tim, you might want to remind our viewers that the Binford 3-11 has that new safety lock.
Tim: I'm sure it does, Al.
Al: Well, it's been completely redesigned.
Tim: Al, I grew up with these things. Heck, that is a little different to what I'm used to seeing, isn't it? Well, all safeties are basically a solenoid. Very impossible to shoot it when you don't want to shoot it. [gun goes off] Ow! Hey. [high-pitched] Tell you what. We'll go to a break right now. [o.s.] Get me out of this.
Al: [o.s.] Boy, that's gotta hurt.
Tim: [o.s.] Yeah, Al, it does. Feels kinda like that. [gun fires]
Al: [o.s.] Argh!

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