Brad: Mom.
Jill: What?
Brad: Dad's cussing.
Tim: I'm not cussing.
Mark: He said a bad word.
Tim: It wasn't bad.
Randy: Yeah, he said "hell" and "damn".
Tim: I did not say "damn".
Randy: Now you did.

Jill: Now, what are we gonna do about our boys' table manners?
Tim: You should give a refresher course.
Jill: Me? What about you?
Tim: [mouth full] Honey, I'm a man. What do I know about manners?
Jill: I see. So table manners are the woman's job.
Tim: Historically. Jill, yes, that's the case. Emily Post. Amy Vanderbilt. And, of course, who could forget Miss Manners? I don't recall an etiquette column called "Ask Chuck". "You know, Chuck, I've been eating pot roast all my life. Get that little gristle piece stuck in the middle of my tooth. Do you suck it out with the tongue or ask somebody to do it? Help me out. Haul that thing out."

Wilson: The problem with your boys is they don't know how to channel their mealtime aggression.
Tim: Mealtime aggression?
Wilson: See, Tim, primitive man was a hunter. He had an intimate relationship with his food.
Tim: Lot of dating with wildebeest going on?
Wilson: No, no, no. I'm talking about a spiritual intimacy. They were at one with their meat.
Tim: [inquisitive grunt]
Wilson: The hunter would stalk and kill his prey, then pay homage to the animal spirit. He would give thanks to the animal for giving its life. But the primitive man in us is confused. Today our food comes to the table. We don't know how it got there.
Tim: Gives you something to think about when you open a can of Spam, doesn't it?
Wilson: Yes, indeedy.

Mark: I just want you to know I'm innocent.
Jill: Innocent? Pouring salad dressing down your brother's pants?
Mark: Oh. You saw that?
Jill: Yeah, I saw that.

Tim: We've sunk to a new low. Pizza?
Jill: Yeah, if you take off those mushrooms first.
Tim: Those aren't mushrooms, honey.
Jill: I'll pass.
Tim: Would you nuke that for me?
Jill: Nuke it yourself. [Tim makes chimp noises] Don't give me that. You cook for us all the time.
Tim: Me barbecue. Cook outside with flame. Microwave inside, cook with magic. Flame good, magic bad.
Jill: Microwave good, man stupid. [Tim makes chimp calls] Easy, monkey boy. Fire's our friend. Tim, come on. You're gonna drip cheese all over my stove.
Tim: Not to mention burn the hair right off my knuckles.

Mark: Dad? Brad and Randy are doing bad things.
Tim: Unless it involves human sacrifice I don't want to hear about it.
Mark: Okay, I'll let you know.

Jill: Listen, you are the one that encouraged their bad behavior. Therefore you should have to be the one to teach them good behavior.
Tim: We should do this together.
Jill: No, no. You're the transgressor.
Tim: I never wear your clothes! All right, I do like that taffeta gown. I feel so pretty.

Tim: So Al and I have finished that subfloor. And next time, we'll show you how to lay tongue-and-groove hardwood flooring. Al, what size floorboard are we using on that. Al?
Al: Uh, Tim, they're three inches wide by one eighth of an inch thick. They'll be fastened down by driving a nail at a 45-degree angle -hrough their longitudinal tongue.
Tim: Oh! That's gotta hurt, huh? But we do that to hide the nail, don't we?
Al: That's right, Tim.
Tim: I know that sounds complicated. But it's not. And what you'll end up with is an absolutely beautiful dining-room floor. Speaking of dining rooms, that brings me to today's Tool Tip for Tool Time. It's about etiquette. It's a big word. So get out your dictionary. See, the dining room needs two things to be complete. A floor... [chuckles]... and manners. See, when men are together by ourselves. We don't worry about manners, do we? 'cause, hey, we don't need 'em, do we? At the ball game, what's better than a mustard fight with your buddies. Or spit..., spitting beer? Hey, buddy. Hey! Or my personal favorite, jamming two big french fries up that nose. Acting like a walrus. Hey! It's guy stuff, and women don't appreciate guy stuff and that's the truth. I don't think a woman really understands the diaphragmatic control it takes to do all of the vowels in one belch. A-E-I-O-U. Manners. Use manners. It shows you're civilized. It tells women you're civilized. And they'll keep doing things for you. So always remember that. Use the correct fork. Put the napkin in your lap. And always - I do mean always - excuse yourself when you lose a little pressure. Because I want you to remember, men. The first three letters of "manners" are... [grunts]
[title: "Manners" -> "Men"]
Tim: See you next week.

Jill: Look, Tim, I found this broccoli in Randy's dirty clothes.
Tim: Hm. Either he's hiding it or not digesting properly.
Jill: Oh! You are so disgusting.

Jill: What is all this?
Tim: I'm teaching my men some manners.
Jill: With wooden blocks.
Tim: Rehearsal food, that's what that is.
Jill: Well, gee, I hope they don't like it. I don't have any recipes for wood.
Tim: Sure you do. That meat loaf that you like so much.