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‘Ex Marks the Spot’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Ex Marks the Spot

222. Ex Marks the Spot

Aired April 14, 1993

Tim runs in to an ex-girlfriend, Stacey (Kathleen Garrett), who he never properly broke up with.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: When I broke up with this girl, I never called to tell her.
Wilson: So, you lied to her?
Tim: No.
Wilson: Well, according to Robert Louis Stevenson, you did. He said, "The cruelest lies are often told in silence."
Tim: Hm. But didn't Calvin Coolidge say,"Nothing he never said ever did him any harm"?
Wilson: Very good. Thomas Mann once said, "A harmful truth is better than a useful lie."
Tim: Not bad. Wait, wait, wait! Turkish proverbs was, "He who tells the truth will be chased out of nine villages."
Wilson: Excellent. But I believe the final word would be Heywood Broun. "For truth there is no deadline."
Tim: Oh! That's three to two. You beat me, Wilson.

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Quote from Tim

Jill: I should have known that you would never call her. What is it with you men? You can't make a simple phone call to end a relationship.
Tim: Well, if it had been a simple phone call, I probably would have made it. "Hey, Stacey. Yeah, it's Tim. It's over. Bye-bye."
Jill: You just don't understand. You cannot leave women dangling. We need closure.
Tim: No, you want to beat it to death is what you want to do. "Yeah, mm-hm, OK, Tim. OK, it's over, I accept that. Yeah. But I think we should get together and talk about it. Uh-huh. Minute by minute. Detail by detail. Broken promise by broken promise! Maybe I'll bring my lawyer, my accountant, my father, the minister. And maybe the check-taker. I hate you!"

Quote from Al

Stacey: So, Tim, gosh, what have you been up to?
Tim: Uh, I've a tool show on cable, Tool Time.
Stacey: Timmy Taylor has a tool show. [laughs] But you were the guy who blew out all the windows in shop.
Al: He does that for a living now. [laughs]

Quote from Jill

Jill: Now, Stacey, I want you to tell me something. Back then, when he walked by, like, a hardware store, did he make unusual noises?
Stacey: You mean, like, "Ooh. Ooh"?
Jill: That's the one.
Stacey: You mean he hasn't outgrown that yet?
Jill: [grunts] No, no, no.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Did you get married?
Stacey: As a matter of fact, I married a guy who had a lot of your qualities.
Tim: Lucky girl.
Stacey: The divorce was final last Thursday.
Stacey: Well, how about you? Did you ever get married?
Tim: Yes. Yes. I've been married 14 unforgettable years.
Al: 15.
Tim: 15.

Quote from Tim

Jill: She was in the area. I asked her to drop by.
Tim: You don't want to meet her.
Jill: Oh, yes. I would love to meet the famous Stacey Lewis. The love of your high-school life. Is she, uh, pretty?
Tim: Come on. How pretty can she be? She's almost your age.

Quote from Brad

Mark: Help!
Tim: OK. Look, I can't even guess. Why are you sitting on him?
Brad: The lawn chair was wet.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Stacey, I gotta tell you, I have always felt so awkward about what happened all those years ago with you and Tim and me...
Tim: Honey, come on, come on. This is water under the bridge, isn't it? Water under the bridge. Down the river, through the village, past the treatment point, out to sea.
Stacey: Well, it wouldn't have been so bad if I'd just known it was over.
Tim: Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
Jill: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. He told me that he told you that he called you, and told you that it was over.
Tim: Why are we dragging up all these old memories?
Stacey: No, he never called.
Jill: You never called her? I thought you were better than that.
Tim: I'm not.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Morning, Wilson.
Wilson: Hi-ho, Tim.
Tim: I got a problem.
Wilson: No kidding.
Tim: Jill met my girlfriend.
Wilson: Well, I can't say that I approve of that.
Tim: No, my old high-school girlfriend.
Wilson: Oh.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: So, why didn't you call the girl, Tim?
Tim: I was afraid that if I called her, she'd start crying, and I'd feel bad.
Wilson: Well, sometimes, Tim, when a relationship ends and a person cries, they aren't just tears of sorrow, but of liberation.
Tim: A woman needs closure.
Wilson: Exactly.
Tim: Jill said that yesterday.
Wilson: Smart woman.
Tim: [grunts] Yeah, she is.

Quote from Al

Tim: Hey, you're late.
Al: I know, I know. I'm sorry. I just lost all track of time. Bob Vila was doing a one-hour special on glue guns.
Tim: Well, at least you have a good excuse.

Quote from Al

Al: Well, listen, I'll just keep setting up and you go. Just tell her that I'm busy.
Tim: No, no, no, no. You're gonna tell her you're not having lunch with her.
Al: No, I don't... Well, what am I supposed to tell her? I mean, am I supposed to say, "Stacey, when I'm with you, I don't hear any violins and accordions"?
Tim: You tell her whatever you... Accordions?
Al: In some countries, it's considered the instrument of love.

Quote from Tim

Al: Welcome back to Tool Time.
Tim: Oh, spring is in the air, isn't it? Birds are chirpin'. Flowers are growin'. Bees are buzzin'. And your wife is whispering something soft in your ear, like: "Hey, you big ape. Get up off that couch and paint the house!" I'm not shutting any game off until I can paint the house a man's way. That'd be using a compressor. Oh, yeah.
Al: That's right, but before you spray, you want to prepare your surface.
Tim: That's right, Al. And that's why today, Al and I will be doing our Tool Time salute... to stripping.
[The audience whoops as Tim pulls down a shutter featuring a picture of a scantily-clad woman with Al's face]
Tim: Excuse me, Al.
[When Al closes the shutter, Tim is holding up another picture of Al's face on a scantily-clad woman]

Quote from Tim

Al: Tim, that's the last pretzel. Can you break it in half? [Tim breaks the pretzel in two and eats both pieces] Thanks.
Tim: I was thinking about you. You know how salt makes you retain water, buddy.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I don't want her coming over here. I, like, dumped her, like, 20 years ago.
Al: So?
Tim: So, I don't think I ever called to tell her.
Al: Well, that wasn't very nice.
Tim: I was 18. I was immature back then. I couldn't face things. Let's sneak out of here.

Quote from Tim

Stacey: Tim.
Tim: It's about 3:30.
Stacey: Tim. Tim, it's me, Stacey Lewis.
Tim: Stacey Lewis, hey. You look great.
Stacey: I haven't spoken to you since high school.
Tim: Has it been that long?

Quote from Tim

Al: Jill is a terrific woman.
Stacey: Do you know that Tim and I were quite the item until he went off to college? Then I heard he started dating some bimbo.
Tim: That would be Jill.
Stacey: Oh, I'm sorry.
Tim: It's OK.
Stacey: You know, someday I would love to meet the woman who stole you away from me.
Tim: Now, there's a good idea.

Quote from Al

[following an awkward lull in the conversation:]
Tim: Stacey Lewis.
Stacey: Tim Taylor.
Al: Al Borland.

Quote from Tim

Al: So... The old girlfriend.
Tim: What the hell's the matter with you?
Al: What?
Tim: I don't want Jill meeting her.
Al: Why not?
Tim: In college, Jill wouldn't get serious with me until I ended my relationship with Stacey. I didn't know how to tell her, so I didn't call her. But I told Jill that I did call her.
Al: That was a fib, Tim.
Tim: Al, that was a big fat lie.

Quote from Al

Al: Well, why did you tell Stacey that Jill would love to meet her?
Tim: Because I'm being polite. People say things they don't mean all the time.
Al: Well, I'm sorry. Next time I'll stay out of it.
Tim: Why don't you.
Al: Well, here, let me get this.
Tim: Picking up the check, huh?
Al: No, I was just being polite.

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