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‘Brother, Can You Spare a Hot Rod?’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Brother, Can You Spare a Hot Rod?

414. Brother, Can You Spare a Hot Rod?

Aired January 10, 1995

Jill and the boys are shocked when Tim impetuously sells the hot rod to a Tool Time guest.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Anyway, Papa Mia is a car collector. He offered me a chunk of change for my hot rod so I sold it.
Wilson: Tim! You sold the hot rod? I'm taken aback.
Tim: Well, I can't take it aback now. I already gave it to him.
Wilson: No, no, no. I'm surprised. You put a lot of work into that hot rod.
Tim: Well, yeah, I did. But the work was kinda what I liked, you know? I was thinking about it today - all the fun I had with it. I got pictures here. Look at this. That's when I first had the chassis.
Wilson: Oh, that is a very photogenic chassis.
Tim: Look, that's when I put the small block in. Rebuilt everything, painted it. That's out of the paint shop. And that's where I bronzed his first set of brake shoes.
Wilson: You know, it's so funny, Tim. Most guys would have pictures of their family in their wallet.
Tim: Yeah, it is funny, isn't it? They're back here.
Wilson: Oh, there they are. Sitting in the hot rod.

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Quote from Al

Al: Tim... Blocked roof gutters can form an ice dam, causing the water to back up under the shingles and leak into the house.
Tim: You can melt the ice and prevent it from refreezing using Binford's new heating coils. Now, they're very simple to install. If Marv will come in here and take a look at this. Little clips are fastened underneath the cable, and there underneath your shingles, just like so.
Al: Now, once they are properly in place, they are guaranteed to work every "shingle" time.
Tim: And now you know why Al's a "shingle" man, jokes like that.
Al: In order to demonstrate how these cables melt the snow, we'd have to spend hours installing the coils.
Tim: We'd also have to make it snow in the building.
Al: Hm. And that hasn't happened since Tim blew a hole in the roof.

Quote from Randy

Jill: Randy, do you realize that every pair of jeans you own have holes in them?
Mark: You're dead. She's gonna take you shopping.
Jill: So, anyway, we're gonna have to go shopping this weekend.
Randy: Mom, shopping with you is really embarrassing.
Jill: It is not.
Randy: You drag me into the stupidest stores, you make me try on dorky clothes, then you follow me into the dressing room.
Jill: Well, it's not like I'm the only mother that does that.
Randy: And if all the mothers jumped into Lake Michigan, would you do it too?

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hey, guys. Jill! I think I found some news bigger than my pants. Looks like my hot rod's gonna be in his first hot rod show.
Jill: Really? That's great.
Tim: Somebody dropped out of the custom car show at COBO. Look where I am! Right between the beer stand and the bathrooms. Every guy in the place is gonna be walking by me.
Jill: Did you say between the beer stand and bathroom?
Tim: Yeah. Beer stand, bathroom.
Jill: Well, I guess you'll get that flush-hour traffic.

Quote from Al

Tim: Now, I for one am pretty gosh-darn excited about the custom car show. I understand there are cars from all over the US and Canada.
Doug: That's right. Also from Italy, we've got a couple from as far away as New Zealand. Many of them, I might add, brought to you by my company, Papa Mia's Pizza.
Al: You're Papa Mia?
Doug: I am.
Al: I love your pizza.
Tim: Now, as a big car collector, you've seen a lot of cars. What gives you a thrill at a show like this?
Doug: Well, I'm an old-fashioned guy, Tim. And no matter how many hot rods I own, I really get a thrill out of seeing a beautifully crafted restoration.
Al: Bet it's the same kind of thrill I get every time I eat one of your pizzas.
Tim: Al, put a sausage in it, will you?

Quote from Al

Tim: Now, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to present three years of hard work, Tim Taylor's Blue Goose, my hot rod.
Doug: Whoa. Beautiful '33. Chopped windshield frame, great-looking short block.
Tim: It has a 350 Chevy. As a matter of fact, Al helped me put this in.
Al: That's right, I did. I still remember the night. We ordered your deep-dish Super Papa with eggplant and Canadian bacon.
Doug: Well, how'd you find the time to do all this? You must have a pretty understanding wife.
Tim: Well, she's certainly pretty. I started with a bare frame and I built it up from there. You notice I got special color-coded, powder-coated Holley Double Pumpers.
Doug: Oh, every car guy takes pleasure in adding his own special touches.
Al: Oh, boy, you know what I take pleasure in? Your Hawaiian pizza. And when you add the extra pineapple, it's to die for.
Tim: Why don't we just order Al a big one right now?

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: I'm using paraffin to make candles in the snow.
Tim: Huh. Speaking of a "pair of fins," [chuckles], my car was supposed to sit next to a '59 Cadillac at the show, but that's changed.
Wilson: What happened? Did you lose your spot between the beer and the bathroom? I met this guy named Papa Mia...
Wilson: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Papa Mia the pizza magnate? Boy, my favorite is his large cilantro with feta cheese.
Tim: That's great.
Wilson: I like it with extra snails.
Tim: They put snails on a pizza?
Wilson: No, no, Tim. I put those snails on myself.

Quote from Tim

Jill: I can't believe this.
Tim: When you see the zeros on this check you'll believe it.
Jill: I don't care about the money. I just don't understand how could you sell something you love just like that?
Randy: Yeah. I thought we'd have to bury you in it.
Tim: Come on, guys. What's up here?
Jill: Tim, where do you draw the line? I mean, for enough money, are you gonna sell your tools? Me? The kids?
Tim: I'm not selling my tools.

Quote from Tim

Jill: How'd it go with Papa Mia?
Tim: Not real well. Thanks. I talked to him on the phone, there's no way he's going to sell the hot rod back. He did give me a coupon for a pizza.
Jill: What are you gonna do?
Tim: I'll probably go with the diced peaches and clam sauce.

Quote from Jill

Tim: I'll go down to Papa Mia's and talk to him man-to-man. Maybe I'll take Brad with me.
Jill: Why Brad?
Tim: If he sees how upset he is, maybe we'll get the car.
Jill: What if Papa Mia doesn't care?
Tim: Maybe we could talk to his wife.
Jill: Mama Mia?

Quote from Tim

Tim: Ooh, Jill, look at this. It's a '29 or '30 Duesenberg, isn't this pretty?
Brad: Dad, check it out. A '32 Packard.
Jill: You guys are starting to drool.
Jay: Hey. Can you people read the sign? No eating... drinking... or drooling! Keep moving.
Tim: All right.

Quote from Tim

Brad: It's a '46 Ford convertible.
Tim: Excuse me. Don't touch it! [grunts] I think it's a '48, son. No, no, no, no! It's got the marker lights there. Yeah, you're right - it's a '46. Ugh. Boy, what a mess.
Brad: Yeah, it's a piece of junk.
Tim: It needs a lot of work.
Brad: Yeah, but isn't it great?
Tim: We could chop and channel this.
Brad: Shave the bumpers.
Tim: Wait a minute. Put a big block in and retro the interior.
Brad: Yeah. You know how much fun this thing would be to work on?
Tim: You know what I like, what excites you about cars is all the work that goes into them.

Quote from Randy

Narrator: [on TV] That concludes our look at sexual reproduction habits of the buffalo. Next week, we'll take a look at sex and the humpback whale.
Jill: What is this, the Mating Channel? Can't you guys find something else to watch?
Randy: Fine. We'll just have to learn about the humpback on the streets.

Quote from Tim

Tim: We all know a Detroit winter can wreak havoc on your roof.
Al: Accumulated snow and ice can melt, then refreeze in your overhang, blocking up your gutters.
Tim: When Al's gutters are blocked, he gets really cranky. His face gets all bloated, big red blotches. "I don't feel so good."

Quote from Tim

Tim: As fun as that was, I went a different route this morning. I went over to Al's mom's house, chopped off a piece of her home, put snow on it and attached the coils in a zigzag pattern.
Al: This is not a piece of my mother's house. She lives in a perfectly wonderful mobile home.
Tim: You've probably have seen it on the freeways. Goes down, big sign on the back - "Wide load, look out."

Quote from Tim

Al: Now, the cables are controlled by a thermostat. They turn on when the weather gets cold and they turn off as the temperature rises.
Tim: We've already set the thermostat. Let's show the audience how it works. [sizzles]
Al: How much voltage did you put in this?
Tim: 240.
Al: I believe it's only regulated to 120.
Tim: Right, but it would take 24 hours to melt the ice so I juiced it up a little bit, 'cause we got a show to do here, Al. Look at that. No more blocked gutters.
[After sparks fly and run along the coil, the portion of the roof below the zig-zagging cables is cut clean off]

Quote from Jill

Jill: You are going jeans shopping, whether you like it or not.
Tim: Hi, guys.
Randy: Come on, Mom, pants are the worst. I mean, as soon as I try 'em on, you stick your hands in.
Jill: Well, I have to see if they fit. You have to do that little jiggle thing.
Tim: Oh, the pant jiggle thing. Very embarrassing. She does it to me.
Jill: Thought you said you liked it.
Tim: I do. Wanna jiggle me later?
Jill: Sure.

Quote from Tim

Randy: Hey, Mom, why can't Dad take me shopping?
Jill: Oh, there's an idea. Send you to the mall with a man whose fundamental approach to shopping is speed?
Tim: My goal is to spend $0-60 in under four seconds.
Jill: And you don't check labels, you don't compare prices, you don't try anything on.
Tim: That's why they have sizes, honey. I'm a 32 waist, I buy 32 pants.
Randy: 32", Dad? Come on.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Yesterday we talked about cold, today we're talking about hot. Hot dogs, hot cars, hot rods.
Al: Hot dates.
Tim: Something Al knows very little about.

Quote from Jill

Jill: You're not getting out of it, Randy. You're going pants shopping in the morning.
Randy: No way, Mom. I'm going with Dad to the hot rod show tomorrow.
Jill: Oh, I forgot about the hot rod show and how much you're looking forward to it. Too bad. You're going shopping with me.

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