Tim: What a great night with the boys, though. A lot of good food... Oh! [unbuttons belt] Ah! Ohh! I got some double-cheese nachos sitting right here. [burps] Ohh!
Jill: Tim!
Tim: Got a little gas ball moving, moving... [burps] Ah!
Jill: This is real attractive.
Tim: So... where were we?
Jill: It's kinda hard to remember.
Tim: This'll refresh your memory. [goes to kiss Jill; stifles burp] Sorry. Sorry. I'm sorry. Mark was right. Ohh. You shouldn't have double onions on those chili dogs. Hello... [vents the bed sheet]

Tim: Anyway, today we continue our week-long salute... [drain gurgling] to plumbing. And joining us today is master plumber Felix Myman. Let's give him a big Tool Time welcome. Good to have you aboard, Felix.
Felix: Nice to be here, Tim.
Tim: Felix and I go way back, right?
Felix: That's right, Tim. I've been to your house for all of your plumbing disasters. [Tim groans] The water heater, the dishwasher, Jill's bathtub...
Tim: I think we get the point. Anyway, we'll try to get... [Al chuckles on the phone]

Tim: Anyway, being a master plumber, Felix is experienced with all sorts of bathroom problems - sinks, showers... Speaking of showers, what do you think of baby showers?
Felix: Well, I'm against them. I think babies should take baths.
Tim: No, no, it's a different sort of shower. It's like when women get together and yap about what to do when their water breaks.
Felix: With any kind of water breakage, you wanna call a licensed plumber.

Tim: You know, I think guys are generally nervous about babies. Because, you know, you women do all the work, and then we have to sit back and think, "Will I be a good father to him? Will he relate to me?" Or even worse, what if he turns out to be a she? Then I have to protect she from all the he's.
Nora: You sound like you've given this a lot of thought.
Tim: Well, we had three boys. They were babies once, and they were really cool babies. I think men have a lot in common with babies. We both get real cranky if we don't get fed on time. We like to take naps in the afternoon. And I don't know a guy in the world that doesn't like a good game of peek-a-boo.

Tim: I think she wants things to be like they were when we first met, you know. But I like the way things are now. I like not always having to impress the other person or get dressed up.
Wilson: Mm-hmm. So you would tend to agree with J.B. Priestley, who said that, "Marriage is like an endless visit in your worst clothes." [chuckles]
Tim: That guy Priestley really knew about marriage.
Wilson: And divorce, too. He was married three times.
Tim: [grunts] Oh, no! Three mother-in-laws. [clucks] You know, when Jill and I first got married, in order win her, I really had to pour on the charm. Then she wanted to see through the charm and see if I really loved her. And now that she knows I really love her, she wants the charm back.
Wilson: Hmm. Well, Tim, maybe after 15 years of marriage, making an effort to be more charming has more meaning.
Tim: Hmm. Yeah. It's too bad. I like being comfortable in my own house. If I've got a little gas, I don't want to have to run out to the backyard.
Wilson: I don't want that, either.

Mark: Are Mom and Dad up yet?
Brad: No. And quit bugging us!
Mark: But it's late. When are they gonna get up?
Randy: Don't you know anything? Whenever Mom and Dad have a fight, Dad apologizes, and then, the next morning, they sleep late.
Mark: I don't think they're sleeping.
Brad: You don't? Why not?
Mark: Because I heard them jumping up and down on their bed.
Randy: Oh... Well, you know, they're probably just having one of their, um... somersault contests.
Brad: Yeah. It's a lot like the Olympics.
Mark: Sounds like fun. Why don't they ask us to play?
Randy: Trust me, Mark. You don't wanna play.

Mark: Oh. Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
Jill: Hi, sweetie. What a great day.
Tim: [grunts] Yeah, what a great day. Yeah.
Mark: Brad and Randy told me what you were doing upstairs.
Jill: They did?
Mark: Yeah. Having one of those somersault contests. Who won?
Tim: Your mom won. She always wins. [Mark goes outside] You did win, didn't you?
Jill: Twice. [Tim grunts]

Brad: Dad, it smells under here! Seriously!
Tim: It's the Tim Taylor half-smelly-nelson!
Randy: Yeah, Dad. Your pits are the pits!
Jill: Hi, guys. I see he's got you in that half-smelly-nelson.
Randy: How'd you know?
Jill: He perfected it on me.

Jill: Anyway, it's at 2:00 on Saturday, and a lot of people from work are gonna be there.
Tim: You mean a lot of people people or a lot of women people?
Jill: Women people, Tim. They're just like men people, only they have longer hair, and they're smarter.
Tim: Bunch of women at a baby shower, yakking about stretch marks, bloating, labor pains... I wanna discuss labor pains, I'll talk to a union man.

Tim: Thank you, everybody, and welcome to Tool Time. I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. Thank you, Heidi. Poor little Al's out sick today. But don't have a flannel meltdown. He's gonna be helping us out by phone. Heidi, my Al phone, please.
Heidi: Here you go, Tim.
[Heidi wheels out a wall which features a telephone and speaker, with facial hair, below which there's a flannel shirt, a tool belt and blue jeans.]
Tim: Thank you, Heidi. He's looking pretty sprightly, isn't he? Al, you there?
Al: [over phone] [sneezes]
Tim: Ah, use a tissue, fella. Come on!
Al: [over phone] I would like the audience to know that I used a hanky.
Tim: Al, this is the first time you've been out sick, isn't it?
Al: [over phone] Which is amazing, considering all the injuries you've inflicted on me. Put your hand down, Tim.