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‘It Was the Best of Tims, It Was the Worst of Tims’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: It Was the Best of Tims, It Was the Worst of Tims

320. It Was the Best of Tims, It Was the Worst of Tims

Aired March 30, 1994

Jill feels she doesn't get the best of Tim after he charms her friends at a baby shower.

Quote from Tim

Tim: What a great night with the boys, though. A lot of good food... Oh! [unbuttons belt] Ah! Ohh! I got some double-cheese nachos sitting right here. [burps] Ohh!
Jill: Tim!
Tim: Got a little gas ball moving, moving... [burps] Ah!
Jill: This is real attractive.
Tim: So... where were we?
Jill: It's kinda hard to remember.
Tim: This'll refresh your memory. [goes to kiss Jill; stifles burp] Sorry. Sorry. I'm sorry. Mark was right. Ohh. You shouldn't have double onions on those chili dogs. Hello... [vents the bed sheet]

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Quote from Tim

Tim: Anyway, today we continue our week-long salute... [drain gurgling] to plumbing. And joining us today is master plumber Felix Myman. Let's give him a big Tool Time welcome. Good to have you aboard, Felix.
Felix: Nice to be here, Tim.
Tim: Felix and I go way back, right?
Felix: That's right, Tim. I've been to your house for all of your plumbing disasters. [Tim groans] The water heater, the dishwasher, Jill's bathtub...
Tim: I think we get the point. Anyway, we'll try to get... [Al chuckles on the phone]

Quote from Tim

Tim: Anyway, being a master plumber, Felix is experienced with all sorts of bathroom problems - sinks, showers... Speaking of showers, what do you think of baby showers?
Felix: Well, I'm against them. I think babies should take baths.
Tim: No, no, it's a different sort of shower. It's like when women get together and yap about what to do when their water breaks.
Felix: With any kind of water breakage, you wanna call a licensed plumber.

Quote from Tim

Tim: You know, I think guys are generally nervous about babies. Because, you know, you women do all the work, and then we have to sit back and think, "Will I be a good father to him? Will he relate to me?" Or even worse, what if he turns out to be a she? Then I have to protect she from all the he's.
Nora: You sound like you've given this a lot of thought.
Tim: Well, we had three boys. They were babies once, and they were really cool babies. I think men have a lot in common with babies. We both get real cranky if we don't get fed on time. We like to take naps in the afternoon. And I don't know a guy in the world that doesn't like a good game of peek-a-boo.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: I think she wants things to be like they were when we first met, you know. But I like the way things are now. I like not always having to impress the other person or get dressed up.
Wilson: Mm-hmm. So you would tend to agree with J.B. Priestley, who said that, "Marriage is like an endless visit in your worst clothes." [chuckles]
Tim: That guy Priestley really knew about marriage.
Wilson: And divorce, too. He was married three times.
Tim: [grunts] Oh, no! Three mother-in-laws. [clucks] You know, when Jill and I first got married, in order win her, I really had to pour on the charm. Then she wanted to see through the charm and see if I really loved her. And now that she knows I really love her, she wants the charm back.
Wilson: Hmm. Well, Tim, maybe after 15 years of marriage, making an effort to be more charming has more meaning.
Tim: Hmm. Yeah. It's too bad. I like being comfortable in my own house. If I've got a little gas, I don't want to have to run out to the backyard.
Wilson: I don't want that, either.

Quote from Mark

Mark: Are Mom and Dad up yet?
Brad: No. And quit bugging us!
Mark: But it's late. When are they gonna get up?
Randy: Don't you know anything? Whenever Mom and Dad have a fight, Dad apologizes, and then, the next morning, they sleep late.
Mark: I don't think they're sleeping.
Brad: You don't? Why not?
Mark: Because I heard them jumping up and down on their bed.
Randy: Oh... Well, you know, they're probably just having one of their, um... somersault contests.
Brad: Yeah. It's a lot like the Olympics.
Mark: Sounds like fun. Why don't they ask us to play?
Randy: Trust me, Mark. You don't wanna play.

Quote from Jill

Mark: Oh. Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
Jill: Hi, sweetie. What a great day.
Tim: [grunts] Yeah, what a great day. Yeah.
Mark: Brad and Randy told me what you were doing upstairs.
Jill: They did?
Mark: Yeah. Having one of those somersault contests. Who won?
Tim: Your mom won. She always wins. [Mark goes outside] You did win, didn't you?
Jill: Twice. [Tim grunts]

Quote from Tim

Brad: Dad, it smells under here! Seriously!
Tim: It's the Tim Taylor half-smelly-nelson!
Randy: Yeah, Dad. Your pits are the pits!
Jill: Hi, guys. I see he's got you in that half-smelly-nelson.
Randy: How'd you know?
Jill: He perfected it on me.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Anyway, it's at 2:00 on Saturday, and a lot of people from work are gonna be there.
Tim: You mean a lot of people people or a lot of women people?
Jill: Women people, Tim. They're just like men people, only they have longer hair, and they're smarter.
Tim: Bunch of women at a baby shower, yakking about stretch marks, bloating, labor pains... I wanna discuss labor pains, I'll talk to a union man.

Quote from Al

Tim: Thank you, everybody, and welcome to Tool Time. I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. Thank you, Heidi. Poor little Al's out sick today. But don't have a flannel meltdown. He's gonna be helping us out by phone. Heidi, my Al phone, please.
Heidi: Here you go, Tim.
[Heidi wheels out a wall which features a telephone and speaker, with facial hair, below which there's a flannel shirt, a tool belt and blue jeans.]
Tim: Thank you, Heidi. He's looking pretty sprightly, isn't he? Al, you there?
Al: [over phone] [sneezes]
Tim: Ah, use a tissue, fella. Come on!
Al: [over phone] I would like the audience to know that I used a hanky.
Tim: Al, this is the first time you've been out sick, isn't it?
Al: [over phone] Which is amazing, considering all the injuries you've inflicted on me. Put your hand down, Tim.

Quote from Jill

Tim: Where are you going?
Jill: I've had enough.
Tim: I thought we were gonna, you know... Come on.
Jill: Are you insane?
Tim: You were drooling all over me when I left.
Jill: Yeah, well, that was a different guy. What happened to the man who was debonair and attractive and oozing charm?
Tim: That's me. I'm him.
Jill: No, you're the guy that burps and oozes something, but it isn't charm.

Quote from Al

Tim: Now, what is a sweaty toilet? Is it a toilet that's just overstressed from too many seat-ups? Oh! Oh! Oh!
Al: [over phone] I don't think so, Tim.
Felix: Actually, Tim, this problem occurs when the cold water in the tank cools the porcelain, and the warm, moist air condenses on the sides.
Al: [over phone] Well said, Felix. I'm glad there's somebody there who knows what he's talking about. I'm usually the one that has to step in and tell Tim...
Tim: Talk to you later, Al. [dial tone]

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Well, Tim, I am attempting to balance an egg, but it's not easy.
Tim: But if it falls, it's overeasy.
Wilson: You are quite the yolkster. Actually, Tim, some people believe that an egg will stand on its end during the vernal equinox.
Tim: The vernal what-nox?
Wilson: The vernal equinox, Tim. It signifies the first day of spring, it's when the sun is directly over the equator and gravitational pull is at its strongest.
Tim: That's probably what's affecting Jill.
Wilson: What'd you do this time, Tim?

Quote from Jill

Tim: I was laying under the hot rod, and I got to thinking about you.
Jill: Really? Usually you're laying with me and get to thinking about the hot rod.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Why don't you pop your head in and say hi for a second? I really want you to meet my women friends from work.
Tim: Can't this Saturday.
Jill: Why not?
Tim: I'm busy on Saturday. We're doing that Tool Time till 2:00. And I told the boys I'd rush back here and take them to the demolition derby at four.
Jill: Well, there's two hours in between there.
Tim: Well, then I go upstairs.
Jill: To do what?
Tim: Upstairs stuff.

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