Mark: I don't want to look like a dork.
Wilson: Well, may I suggest an alternative solution that will help improve your eyesight? Here's a handy little trick I picked up from a Russian ophthalmologist I met at a caviar-tasting festival. Take a piece of paper and you make a tiny, tiny, tiny little hole, then you hold it up to your eye, and it will correct your myopia by allowing the eye to refocus light upon a mosaic of photosensitive receptors.
Mark: What?
Wilson: It'll help you see better.
Mark: Wow! It really works.
Wilson: Uh-huh. And if you use two, it's twice as effective.
Mark: This is great! I'll never have to wear glasses. And I won't look like a dork.
Brad: Mark, Mark, buddy. Just tell me one thing. [takes the pieces of paper and holds them to his eyes] What do I look like?
Mark: A dork.

Tim: He does well in school. Maybe the teacher doesn't like him.
Jill: Well, how could she not like him? Mark is adorable.
Tim: Oh, come on. In fourth grade I was adorable. My teacher hated me. Fifth grade teacher didn't like me. Sixth grade teacher really had something out for me. Seventh grade was a nightmare.
Jill: Tim, are you noticing a pattern here?
Tim: I had a string of bad teachers.

Al: There is no such thing as a gas-powered porcupine!
Tim: It all depends on what it had to eat. [laughs] Watch how beautifully this seams our lovely wheat-colored Berber. [Tim rips the carpet to shreds]
Al: Well, way to go, Tim. And what would you call that?
Tim: Shredded Wheat Berber.

Tim: I'm pretty good at talking to my boys. In fact, I might be better than you.
Jill: Oh, really?
Tim: Yeah. Because no matter what stupid thing they've done, they know I've done something stupider.
Jill: Well, can't argue with that.
Tim: What I'm trying to say is there's a very special bond between fathers and sons.
Jill: Well, there's a special bond between mothers and son. It's a little thing called the umbilical cord.
Tim: Hello? He's nine. He's cordless now.

Mark: Wilson, did you hear what we were saying?
Wilson: Just the part about not seeing the board and needing glasses.
Mark: You're not gonna tell my parents, are you?
Wilson: Mark, that isn't my place. But I hope that you will.
Mark: I can't. They'll make me get glasses, and I'll look like a dork.
Wilson: Mark, might I remind you that Benjamin Franklin, Sigmund Freud, Mahatma Gandhi all wore glasses? And I don't think that anyone would consider them dorks.
Brad: I would.

Brad: And if anybody calls you a dork, they're gonna have to answer to us, all right?
Randy: That's right. We're the only ones who are allowed to call you a dork.
Mark: I don't care what they call me. Mom says Dad's a dork and he feels good about it.
Tim: Heh. You called me a dork?
Jill: [whispers] I was trying to build up his self-esteem.
Tim: [whispers] What about my self-esteem?

Tim: Wake up, wake up, wake up.
Heidi: I'm awake, I'm awake. Great show, Al. Really learned a lot.
Al: Why, thank you, Heidi. At least someone appreciates the work I put into this linoleum show.
Heidi: I really do.
Al: Well, what was your favorite part?
Tim: Yes, Miss Keppert, what was your favorite part?
Heidi: Well, I found every part equally fascinating.
Al: Really? Well, why don't we go have some lunch? I'll fill you in on my lecture tomorrow on vinyl.
Heidi: Oh, OK.
Tim: Which is Latin for "snooze."

Randy: Dad, don't forget to pick me up right after football practice. Beth's coming over to study and I need time to shower.
Tim: You don't need to bother with a shower. Just do what I do. It fools your mom, drives her wild.
Randy: Cool. What is it?
Tim: Wear an auto freshener around your neck. Pine scent. Rugged outdoorsy stuff. Women love it.
Randy: Well, if it doesn't get me girls, it'll definitely get me squirrels.

Jill: Well, because some kids are just mean. They think by calling you names that makes them cool. Let me tell you what real cool is. Real cool is feeling good about yourself and not worrying about what other people think.
Mark: What do you mean?
Jill: Well, let's use your father as an example. Your father does some things that some people might consider dorky. Like the time that he froze his tongue to the hammer, or the time that he glued his head to the table. But it doesn't bother him. You know why?
Mark: Why?
Jill: Because he feels good about who he is. And you should feel good about who you are.
Mark: I should?
Jill: Yeah. You are a great kid. You are so smart, and you're fun to be with. And you care about other people, right?

Jill: OK, OK, OK. How about this? I will meet Mark's teacher at three o'clock and find out what's going on. Since I'll be near here, I'll pick up Brad and Randy. Drop Randy off at football practice at 3:45, Brad off at the saxophone lesson at 4:15 on the way to my 4:30 class. You take Mark to the doctor at four o'clock. Oh. And make sure that she checks that right ear. I think he's got that waxy buildup thing happening again. He might have to have it irrigated. Now, after the doctor, double back to the football field, pick up Randy, come home, make dinner. These should be ready about five o'clock. I'll pick up Brad on my way home. We should get there by six. Does that sound good?
Tim: Yeah. One more time from the top?