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‘The Eyes Don't Have It’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: The Eyes Don't Have It

404. The Eyes Don't Have It

Aired October 11, 1994

Tim and Jill try to get to the bottom of what's going on with Mark after his teacher sends a letter home.

Quote from Wilson

Mark: I don't want to look like a dork.
Wilson: Well, may I suggest an alternative solution that will help improve your eyesight? Here's a handy little trick I picked up from a Russian ophthalmologist I met at a caviar-tasting festival. Take a piece of paper and you make a tiny, tiny, tiny little hole, then you hold it up to your eye, and it will correct your myopia by allowing the eye to refocus light upon a mosaic of photosensitive receptors.
Mark: What?
Wilson: It'll help you see better.
Mark: Wow! It really works.
Wilson: Uh-huh. And if you use two, it's twice as effective.
Mark: This is great! I'll never have to wear glasses. And I won't look like a dork.
Brad: Mark, Mark, buddy. Just tell me one thing. [takes the pieces of paper and holds them up] What do I look like?
Mark: A dork.

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Quote from Tim

Tim: He does well in school. Maybe the teacher doesn't like him.
Jill: Well, how could she not like him? Mark is adorable.
Tim: Oh, come on. In fourth grade I was adorable. My teacher hated me. Fifth grade teacher didn't like me. Sixth grade teacher really had something out for me. Seventh grade was a nightmare.
Jill: Tim, are you noticing a pattern here?
Tim: I had a string of bad teachers.

Quote from Tim

Al: There is no such thing as a gas-powered porcupine!
Tim: It all depends on what it had to eat. [laughs] Watch how beautifully this seams our lovely wheat-colored Berber. [Tim rips the carpet to shreds]
Al: Well, way to go, Tim. And what would you call that?
Tim: Shredded Wheat Berber.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I'm pretty good at talking to my boys. In fact, I might be better than you.
Jill: Oh, really?
Tim: Yeah. Because no matter what stupid thing they've done, they know I've done something stupider.
Jill: Well, can't argue with that.
Tim: What I'm trying to say is there's a very special bond between fathers and sons.
Jill: Well, there's a special bond between mothers and son. It's a little thing called the umbilical cord.
Tim: Hello? He's nine. He's cordless now.

Quote from Brad

Mark: Wilson, did you hear what we were saying?
Wilson: Just the part about not seeing the board and needing glasses.
Mark: You're not gonna tell my parents, are you?
Wilson: Mark, that isn't my place. But I hope that you will.
Mark: I can't. They'll make me get glasses, and I'll look like a dork.
Wilson: Mark, might I remind you that Benjamin Franklin, Sigmund Freud, Mahatma Gandhi all wore glasses? And I don't think that anyone would consider them dorks.
Brad: I would.

Quote from Jill

Brad: And if anybody calls you a dork, they're gonna have to answer to us, all right?
Randy: That's right. We're the only ones who are allowed to call you a dork.
Mark: I don't care what they call me. Mom says Dad's a dork and he feels good about it.
Tim: Heh. You called me a dork?
Jill: [whispers] I was trying to build up his self-esteem.
Tim: [whispers] What about my self-esteem?

Quote from Heidi

Tim: Wake up, wake up, wake up.
Heidi: I'm awake, I'm awake. Great show, Al. Really learned a lot.
Al: Why, thank you, Heidi. At least someone appreciates the work I put into this linoleum show.
Heidi: I really do.
Al: Well, what was your favorite part?
Tim: Yes, Miss Keppert, what was your favorite part?
Heidi: Well, I found every part equally fascinating.
Al: Really? Well, why don't we go have some lunch? I'll fill you in on my lecture tomorrow on vinyl.
Heidi: Oh, OK.
Tim: Which is Latin for "snooze."

Quote from Randy

Randy: Dad, don't forget to pick me up right after football practice. Beth's coming over to study and I need time to shower.
Tim: You don't need to bother with a shower. Just do what I do. It fools your mom, drives her wild.
Randy: Cool. What is it?
Tim: Wear an auto freshener around your neck. Pine scent. Rugged outdoorsy stuff. Women love it.
Randy: Well, if it doesn't get me girls, it'll definitely get me squirrels.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Well, because some kids are just mean. They think by calling you names that makes them cool. Let me tell you what real cool is. Real cool is feeling good about yourself and not worrying about what other people think.
Mark: What do you mean?
Jill: Well, let's use your father as an example. Your father does some things that some people might consider dorky. Like the time that he froze his tongue to the hammer, or the time that he glued his head to the table. But it doesn't bother him. You know why?
Mark: Why?
Jill: Because he feels good about who he is. And you should feel good about who you are.
Mark: I should?
Jill: Yeah. You are a great kid. You are so smart, and you're fun to be with. And you care about other people, right?

Quote from Jill

Jill: OK, OK, OK. How about this? I will meet Mark's teacher at three o'clock and find out what's going on. Since I'll be near here, I'll pick up Brad and Randy. Drop Randy off at football practice at 3:45, Brad off at the saxophone lesson at 4:15 on the way to my 4:30 class. You take Mark to the doctor at four o'clock. Oh. And make sure that she checks that right ear. I think he's got that waxy buildup thing happening again. He might have to have it irrigated. Now, after the doctor, double back to the football field, pick up Randy, come home, make dinner. These should be ready about five o'clock. I'll pick up Brad on my way home. We should get there by six. Does that sound good?
Tim: Yeah. One more time from the top?

Quote from Al

Al: Are you through joking around?
Tim: Yes. I was just trying to stay awake till we get to the good part. The tools. Al, tell us about the tools.
Al: All right, well, these are the tools of the trade when putting in carpet. What we have here is a porcupine roller, duckbill shears...
Tim: What? Are you laying carpet at the zoo?
Al: Yes, I'm carpeting the zoo. As a matter of fact, I'm thinking of putting in walrus-to-walrus carpeting. [audience laugh and applaud]

Quote from Tim

Tim: I can't do three o'clock. I got Tool Time till 3:30. Push it back to 4:15.
Jill: No, can't do that. I got a class at 4:30. Can you leave there at 3:15 and make it there by 3:30?
Tim: No, not if I'm taking Randy to football practice at 3:45. Brad's got saxophone at four. And isn't Mark's distemper shot tomorrow?
Jill: Flu shot.
Tim: Whatever.

Quote from Al

Al: Linoleum was invented in 1860 by Frederick Walton of England. Now, he discovered that linseed oil, when left out in the open air, became kind of a rubbery-like substance, very suitable for floor coverings.
[Tim puts on a sleeping cap, takes out a candle and a hot drink]
Al: Now, because linseed oil is from the flax plant, Mr. Walton decided to call his product "linoleum."
[Tim blows his candle out and lays down on the work bench]
Al: From the Latin words linum for "flax," and oleum for "oil." He also went on to invent a straight-line inlay machine, so he was able to produce his linoleum in various patterns. Well! That's all for our history on linoleum, unless you'd have something you'd like to add... Tim? [Tim fusses in his sleep] All right! Well, please join us tomorrow when we're back here with the much-anticipated climax, "Floor Coverings of the Future," or: "The Vinyl Frontier."

Quote from Tim

Tim: Is schoolwork getting too hard for you?
Mark: No.
Tim: Too easy?
Mark: No.
Tim: Are you concerned about Mom going back to school?
Mark: No.
Tim: Is that kid in front bugging you again?
Mark: No.
Tim: Kid behind you?
Mark: No.
Tim: Are you worried about male pattern baldness?

Quote from Brad

Mark: Hey, Brad?
Brad: Yeah?
Mark: Can I ask you something?
Brad: What?
Mark: How do you get moved from the back of the class to the front of the class?
Brad: Well, why would you want to go to the front? I don't know if you've noticed, but that's where the teacher is.

Quote from Mark

Jill: Oh, honey. I've been thinking. I shouldn't be putting pressure on you. You know, if you want to talk, I'm always here to listen, but if you don't, I'm fine with that too.
Mark: I want to talk.
Jill: Good. Sit down. Pour your little heart out.
Mark: I can't see the board at school. I think I need glasses.
Jill: Is that what's bothering you? That's not so bad.
Mark: It's bad to me.
Jill: Honey, lots of kids wear glasses.
Mark: You don't understand. Some of the kids already think I'm a dork. If I get glasses, all of them will.
Jill: Nobody thinks you're a dork.
Mark: Then why do they call me "dork"?

Quote from Mark

Jill: Look, tomorrow, we'll go and we'll get your eyes checked, and if you need glasses, we'll just make sure that you get some really cool frames.
Mark: You think I'd look good in aviator glasses?
Jill: Oh, yeah. Absolutely. I'd fly anywhere with you.
Mark: Thanks, Mom.
Jill: Honey. It makes me feel so good that we still have our special bond. You know, that you feel comfortable coming to me when you need to talk.
Mark: Well, you were the only one home.

Quote from Tim

Al: And so, in conclusion, I'd like to emphasize once again... Thank you, Heidi. That if your home is lightly trafficked, you can't go wrong with a Saxony plush carpet. As you can see, it's very luxurious, and has a nice nap.
Tim: I think the audience just had a nice nap.
Al: I think not. Choosing a carpet is a very important decision. It's something you live with and walk on for years.
Tim: So are you, Al.
Al: On the other hand, if your carpet is heavily trafficked, well, you can't go wrong with a nice Berber. And here we have a lovely example. A nice wheat-colored Berber.
Tim: And Berber's nice 'cause you don't have to cut it. You just go to a Berber shop.

Quote from Tim

Tim: These tools are fine if you're laying a small piece of carpet in a hallway or den, but what if we want to carpet a larger area?
Al: And that would be?
Tim: The Silverdome. How long do you think it would take to lay Astroturf using these wimpy tools? You wouldn't get past the ten-yard line. Porcupine roller. This wouldn't do diddly for a large area. What we need is a "more power" porcupine. Heidi, my "more power" porcupine, please. Oh! Oh!

Quote from Randy

Mark: I don't think we should be steaming open the letter. My teacher said to give it to Mom and Dad.
Brad: We're doing this for you, dork.
Randy: Yeah, if you don't know what the teacher said, then you don't know what lie to tell to Mom and Dad.
Mark: I don't have to lie. I didn't do anything.
Randy: Right, Mark. Teachers always send home notes like that. "Dear Mr. and Mrs. Taylor, Mark didn't do anything. Just wanted to try the new pen."

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