Judith: Jill has told me so much about you. It's all been great.
Wilson: Well, I am flattered.
Judith: The only thing she didn't tell me is your last name.
Wilson: It's Wilson.
Judith: Oh, I thought that was your first name.
Wilson: Wilson is my first name.
Tim: Well, it's not that unusual. I'm actually Tim Tim. This is Jill Jill. [Jill nudges Tim] Sorry sorry.

Jill: Judith says that Wilson has a problem with intimacy.
Tim: Oh! So he can't... Oh. Oh, God. Oh! Oh! Well... Oh, honey! I mean, I would have never known. He wouldn't talk about something like that. Oh, no wonder he's got all this... Probably an old war injury or something, huh?
Jill: Not that kind of intimacy! I'm talking about emotional intimacy.
Tim: Oh, thank God it's nothing important. Whoo!

Jill: He doesn't share his feelings. She's spent every day of the last two weeks with him and she feels she doesn't know who he is.
Tim: Well, tell her I've spent the last 15 years with him, and I don't know who he is. It doesn't hurt our relationship.
Jill: I think that she wants something more from the relationship. She wants to go to the next level.
Tim: What is it with women and the "next level"? What's wrong with the level we're on? Just take the elevator and leave us the heck alone. Hm?
Jill: Every time she asks him about himself, all he does is intellectualize or say something weird.
Tim: He always says something weird. That's what makes Wilson Wilson Wilson.

Judith: My book sold about four copies. Two of which were to my children.
Tim: I wrote a book once. "How To Maintain Your Bench Grinder."
Jill: That sold no copies.
Judith: Well, it was probably more exciting than mine. It was called "The Psychophysiological Indices of Amorous Connections..."
Wilson: "...Among Termites of the Southwest".
Judith: How did you know that?
Wilson: Because I have read it. It is wonderful! I mean, it's practically the Bible for anyone interested in the mating pattern of insects.
Tim: All two of you.
Wilson: You see, I am quite the devotee of what I humorously term "insexuality."

Jill: Don't listen to him. Just- Just be yourself. You know, tell her about all that interesting stuff that you do.
Wilson: Well, maybe I could tell her of the time I was in India and danced naked while my body was pierced by the swords of Siva.
Jill: Then again, you don't want to reveal too much on your first date. [gong and panpipe doorbell]
Jill: OK, I'll get it.
Wilson: [groans] Oh, my.
Tim: Are you OK?
Wilson: Actually, I'm experiencing extreme diaphoresis. [off Tim's blank look] I'm sweating like a pig.

Tim: So things are going pretty good, huh?
Wilson: Oh, they are incredible. As the Japanese would say, Judith has become my aijin.
Tim: I don't follow.
Wilson: Well, as they'd say in Tanzania, Judith has become my rafiki yangu mpenzi.
Tim: In America, near Detroit, what would they say?
Wilson: They'd say I am crazy about her. Well, Tim, I'd love to chat, but I have to make dinner tonight. I promised Judith something romantic.
Tim: Like oysters or something?
Wilson: No, I'm making haggis. It's a sheep's stomach served dumpling-style.
Tim: Mmm.

Al: Welcome back to Bachelor Week right here on Tool Time. If you remember, yesterday Tim showed us how to shave in the car when you're running behind. [Tim has small band-aids all over his face] Today, it's Al's turn, with a look at the rough-and-tumble world of...
Al: Ironing. Now, ironing used to be a woman's domain. But not these days.
Tim: Because they won't do it for us anymore.
Al: More importantly, a man should know how to do his own ironing. Now, I think of an iron as just another tool. You can even hang it from your tool belt.
Tim: But you don't want to plug it in, 'cause there are certain things you don't want ironed.
Al: Historically, men have been ironing for ages. The first irons were made of iron heated by fire. This iron here was developed to be heated by coal.
Tim: Then came the nine irons, your tire irons, and my personal favorite, your Jeremy Irons. He's so wonderful.

Al: All right. Let's get to ironing technique. Now, I start with the sleeve and move on to the body of the shirt. Marv, if you come in here. I also like to start with a light spray from my mist button.
Tim: Let me show you how the pros do it. I'm talking about the European tailors, Chinese tailors, Hong Kong tailors... Tim Taylors. We use the old gravity-feed professional iron. Yeah. 1,000 watts, 120 volts, 275 degrees. [grunts] I like a little starch in my shirt, so I'll starch her up.
Al: Uh, actually, Tim, too much starch can irritate the skin.
Tim: Yeah. Too much Al can irritate Tim. If you iron like Al's ironing, it'll take forever. European way, professional way, do it quick. Steam going there. And there you go.

Brad: My life is over. Randy, I've got a pimple.
Randy: I don't see anything.
Brad: It's one of those under-the-skin ones. It's gonna come out tomorrow.
Randy: Well, maybe we can throw it a coming-out party. Invite all the other pimples in the neighborhood.
Brad: Randy, you don't understand. Tomorrow night's my date with Jessica Lutz. What am I gonna do?
Randy: Send her fries and a chocolate bar, hope she breaks out too.

Jill: I just hate knowing that Judith's going home to an empty house, though. A wonderful woman like that should not be alone. You know who would be perfect for her? Wilson.
Tim: Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, no! You keep your filthy little mitts off Wilson.
Jill: Admit it, I'm on a roll. I'm the one who set up Al and Ilene.
Tim: You could have set Al up with a mop with a wig on, he would've been happy. As a matter of fact, I think you did. They went to Chicago. He had a great time with her.