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‘Wilson's Girlfriend’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Wilson's Girlfriend

426. Wilson's Girlfriend

Aired May 23, 1995

Jill ignores Tim's pleas and sets Wilson up with her teacher, Judith. Meanwhile, Brad tries to cover up a zit on his face ahead of a big date.

Quote from Wilson

Judith: Jill has told me so much about you. It's all been great.
Wilson: Well, I am flattered.
Judith: The only thing she didn't tell me is your last name.
Wilson: It's Wilson.
Judith: Oh, I thought that was your first name.
Wilson: Wilson is my first name.
Tim: Well, it's not that unusual. I'm actually Tim Tim. This is Jill Jill. [Jill nudges Tim] Sorry sorry.

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Quote from Tim

Jill: Judith says that Wilson has a problem with intimacy.
Tim: Oh! So he can't... Oh. Oh, God. Oh! Oh! Well... Oh, honey! I mean, I would have never known. He wouldn't talk about something like that. Oh, no wonder he's got all this... Probably an old war injury or something, huh?
Jill: Not that kind of intimacy! I'm talking about emotional intimacy.
Tim: Oh, thank God it's nothing important. Whoo!

Quote from Tim

Jill: He doesn't share his feelings. She's spent every day of the last two weeks with him and she feels she doesn't know who he is.
Tim: Well, tell her I've spent the last 15 years with him, and I don't know who he is. It doesn't hurt our relationship.
Jill: I think that she wants something more from the relationship. She wants to go to the next level.
Tim: What is it with women and the "next level"? What's wrong with the level we're on? Just take the elevator and leave us the heck alone. Hm?
Jill: Every time she asks him about himself, all he does is intellectualize or say something weird.
Tim: He always says something weird. That's what makes Wilson Wilson Wilson.

Quote from Wilson

Judith: My book sold about four copies. Two of which were to my children.
Tim: I wrote a book once. "How To Maintain Your Bench Grinder."
Jill: That sold no copies.
Judith: Well, it was probably more exciting than mine. It was called "The Psychophysiological Indices of Amorous Connections..."
Wilson: "...Among Termites of the Southwest".
Judith: How did you know that?
Wilson: Because I have read it. It is wonderful! I mean, it's practically the Bible for anyone interested in the mating pattern of insects.
Tim: All two of you.
Wilson: You see, I am quite the devotee of what I humorously term "insexuality."

Quote from Wilson

Jill: Don't listen to him. Just- Just be yourself. You know, tell her about all that interesting stuff that you do.
Wilson: Well, maybe I could tell her of the time I was in India and danced naked while my body was pierced by the swords of Siva.
Jill: Then again, you don't want to reveal too much on your first date. [gong and panpipe doorbell]
Jill: OK, I'll get it.
Wilson: [groans] Oh, my.
Tim: Are you OK?
Wilson: Actually, I'm experiencing extreme diaphoresis. [off Tim's blank look] I'm sweating like a pig.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: So things are going pretty good, huh?
Wilson: Oh, they are incredible. As the Japanese would say, Judith has become my aijin.
Tim: I don't follow.
Wilson: Well, as they'd say in Tanzania, Judith has become my rafiki yangu mpenzi.
Tim: In America, near Detroit, what would they say?
Wilson: They'd say I am crazy about her. Well, Tim, I'd love to chat, but I have to make dinner tonight. I promised Judith something romantic.
Tim: Like oysters or something?
Wilson: No, I'm making haggis. It's a sheep's stomach served dumpling-style.
Tim: Mmm.

Quote from Tim

Al: Welcome back to Bachelor Week right here on Tool Time. If you remember, yesterday Tim showed us how to shave in the car when you're running behind. [Tim has small band-aids all over his face] Today, it's Al's turn, with a look at the rough-and-tumble world of...
Al: Ironing. Now, ironing used to be a woman's domain. But not these days.
Tim: Because they won't do it for us anymore.
Al: More importantly, a man should know how to do his own ironing. Now, I think of an iron as just another tool. You can even hang it from your tool belt.
Tim: But you don't want to plug it in, 'cause there are certain things you don't want ironed.
Al: Historically, men have been ironing for ages. The first irons were made of iron heated by fire. This iron here was developed to be heated by coal.
Tim: Then came the nine irons, your tire irons, and my personal favorite, your Jeremy Irons. He's so wonderful.

Quote from Tim

Al: All right. Let's get to ironing technique. Now, I start with the sleeve and move on to the body of the shirt. Marv, if you come in here. I also like to start with a light spray from my mist button.
Tim: Let me show you how the pros do it. I'm talking about the European tailors, Chinese tailors, Hong Kong tailors... Tim Taylors. We use the old gravity-feed professional iron. Yeah. 1,000 watts, 120 volts, 275 degrees. [grunts] I like a little starch in my shirt, so I'll starch her up.
Al: Uh, actually, Tim, too much starch can irritate the skin.
Tim: Yeah. Too much Al can irritate Tim. If you iron like Al's ironing, it'll take forever. European way, professional way, do it quick. Steam going there. And there you go.

Quote from Randy

Brad: My life is over. Randy, I've got a pimple.
Randy: I don't see anything.
Brad: It's one of those under-the-skin ones. It's gonna come out tomorrow.
Randy: Well, maybe we can throw it a coming-out party. Invite all the other pimples in the neighborhood.
Brad: Randy, you don't understand. Tomorrow night's my date with Jessica Lutz. What am I gonna do?
Randy: Send her fries and a chocolate bar, hope she breaks out too.

Quote from Tim

Jill: I just hate knowing that Judith's going home to an empty house, though. A wonderful woman like that should not be alone. You know who would be perfect for her? Wilson.
Tim: Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, no! You keep your filthy little mitts off Wilson.
Jill: Admit it, I'm on a roll. I'm the one who set up Al and Ilene.
Tim: You could have set Al up with a mop with a wig on, he would've been happy. As a matter of fact, I think you did. They went to Chicago. He had a great time with her.

Quote from Tim

Tim: What exactly do you know about this woman? Ph.D., a couple of kids - what about the important things? What kind of car does she drive?
Jill: I don't know. Some sort of station wagon.
Tim: Oh, no, no, no, no, no! I dated a station wagon once. It was a nightmare.
Jill: Tim, I'm setting her up with Wilson, not with you.
Tim: Well, if she's lonely, have her get her own Wilson.
Jill: Aha! I see what's going on here. You're afraid that if Wilson spends time with Judith, he's not gonna have any time for you.
Tim: If they got married and went on honeymoon, who would I talk to? It could be a very difficult week for me.
Jill: Well, that's true, because then we'd have to talk, and that would be a very difficult week for me.

Quote from Wilson

Jill: Hey, Wilson.
Wilson: Well, hi-ho, neighborette.
Jill: What are you doing?
Wilson: Well, I'm hanging replicas of ancient clay bells from Crete. They're supposed to attract friendly spirits.
Jill: Well, what do you know? Here I am. [Wilson chuckles] I know we're supposed to come to you for dinner tomorrow, but I was wondering if you'd like to come over to ours instead.
Wilson: Well, I do appreciate the invite, but I've already made the koftas for my Malai Kofta curry.
Jill: Ah, I just wanted to introduce you to this professor that I really like.
Wilson: Well, I have a cornucopia of koftas. Why doesn't the good professor come to my place?
Jill: That would be great.

Quote from Jill

Jill: You are really gonna like her, Wilson.
Wilson: Her?
Jill: Yeah. She is incredible. She's funny, and smart, extremely attractive, and extremely available.
Wilson: Jill, this wouldn't by any chance be a setup, would it?
Jill: A setup? No. No, no, no. Definitely not a setup.
Wilson: Well, I guess it'd be OK, as long as there's no pressure.
Jill: Absolutely none.
Wilson: Good.
Jill: Although, you might wanna wear those gray slacks you have and that blue sweater that brings out the color blue in your eyes. And you should puff up your hair, 'cause you get that hat-head thing.

Quote from Jill

Wilson: Welcome, Taylors! My, my, my, what a lovely bromeliad.
Tim: Wilson, I'm sorry Jill roped you into this.
Jill: I did not rope him into this. He's excited. Aren't you excited?
Wilson: Well, actually, I'm quite nervous. I haven't really dated in 20 years.
Tim: Well, I can give you some pointers.
Jill: Oh, great. This from the man who, on our first date, brought me a bouquet of spark plugs.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Judith, this is my husband, Tim.
Tim: Hello, Judith.
Judith: Nice to meet you.
Tim: Nice to meet you. How's Jill at school? Does she listen to and follow directions? Work and play with others?
Judith: Yes, but she gets a little rambunctious during nap time. [Jill laughs]
Tim: You should see her at home. [laughs] Whoa!

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