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‘Blow Up’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Blow Up

307. Blow Up

Aired November 3, 1993

When the local library holds a dinner to honor Jill for her fundraising efforts, it's Tim's job to send in a picture for display at the ceremony.

Quote from Tim

Al: And this works with more than just footballs. You can duplicate any of your favorite colors.
Tim: That's right. Antifreeze Green, Roadkill Gray... Oh. Smash-Your-Thumb- With-A-Hammer Purple. But today, we develop a color just for Tool Time - the color Al.
Al: Excuse me, Tim?
Tim: I'm gonna make a color out of you. You'll be bigger than Fuchsia.
Al: This is absolutely ridiculous.
Tim: No, let's show 'em what the machine can do. Play along, Al.
Al: That's not what the machine...
Tim: Al, just put your finger in there. There you go. OK. One part Pasty White, two parts Flannel. OK.
Al: I don't wanna be a color.
Tim: Well, neither did Red, and look how well things turned out for him. Computer's in. All right. Oh, yeah. Now we got a bucket of Al, and I'm ready to paint with Big Al here. OK. Of course, Al is economical in the gallon size here. Al goes on smooth, just like that.
[As Tim "paints" on the wall, a photo of Al is revealed]
Tim: The Al paint can be cleaned up with soap and water. Unlike the real Al, which needs turpentine and a wire brush. For larger jobs - industrial buildings and warehouses - we suggest a roller and a couple of gallons of Al's mom.

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Quote from Jill

Jill: Tim, when you talk, I listen.
Tim: Really?
Jill: Yeah!
Tim: Uh-huh. What kind of carburetors are on the hot rod?
Jill: Holley double pumpers.
Tim: Holley... What?
Jill: Holley double pumpers.
Tim: Well, I've told you about the engine. What kind of engine do I have in the hot rod, huh? Huh?
Jill: 350 small block, bored 30 over with a 400 crank.
Tim: Tires?
Jill: 185/60 R-14s.
Tim: Aha! They're 195s! And you say you listen to me. [looks at the car] Is it written on here somewhere?

Quote from Jill

Wilson: Hi-ho, neighbor.
Jill: Hidey-ho, Wilson.
Wilson: Jill! What a pleasant surprise.
Jill: You're out late.
Wilson: Mm-hmm. Just doing a little stargazing. You know, they say if you had a strong enough telescope, you could look back in time to very early man before his brain was fully developed.
Jill: Come over to our house. You can see the same thing without a telescope.
Wilson: Trouble in the Taylor galaxy?
Jill: Yeah. It's the Big Dip.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Well, Jill, I can understand your frustration. You know, it's been said that men marry women hoping they won't change. Women marry men hoping they will.
Jill: Are you saying there's no hope?
Wilson: No, not necessarily. In the time I've known Tim, I've seen him progress and evolve significantly.
Jill: We're talking about Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor?
Wilson: Yes, indeed. As a matter of fact, when he first moved in, I had to remind him when your birthday was. Now I just have to remind him to get a gift.
Jill: Well, I guess that's some improvement. His table manners are better. It's been a while since I've seen him shoot peas out his nose.
Wilson: Well, there you go.
Jill: It's just... he's evolving so slowly.
Wilson: Well, Jill, I'm reminded of an old Chinese proverb - Be not afraid of growing slowly. Be afraid only of standing still. I'm sure that Tim will eventually become the man you want him to be.
Jill: Yeah, but with my luck, he'll be 101, and he'll listen to everything I say, but he won't know who I am.

Quote from Jill

Marie: Tim, quit kidding. I wanna show Jill the surprise we got her.
Tim: No, you don't.
Jill: What surprise?
Marie: The committee did something special for you, but we can't take all the credit. Remember, Tim picked out the picture.
Jill: Oh, honey. You gave me a surprise. That's so nice.
Tim: Gosh, darn it. Why don't we all see the surprise together?
Jill: [gasps] You blew up my driver's license picture?!
Tim: That's the surprise. I gotta go fix my face.

Quote from Al

Tim: Al, it's just miniature golf.
Brad: Dad, he brought his own clubs. Even a 7-iron.
Mark: He made a little girl cry.
Al: Well, she walked right in front of the clown's mouth! Well, something had to be said.
Randy: The manager kicked us out. Al is now banned for life from the Putt Putt Panorama.
Al: Well, big deal! You know, as soon as that manager graduates from high school, I'll be back.
Tim: While you're waitin', Al, why don't you look into Miniature Golfers Anonymous?

Quote from Al

Al: No, we're not gonna go see a movie tonight. I thought we'd do something a little more interactive. How does... miniature golf at the Putt Putt Panorama sound?
Randy: Hey, cool! They have an awesome video arcade.
Al: Oh, no, no, no! You don't go to Putt Putt to play video games. You go there for one thing and one thing only - miniature golf. All right! Let's go!
Brad: I don't know. I'd rather see a movie.
Mark: Yeah. I wanna see The Nuttiest Raccoon.
Randy: The Nuttiest Raccoon?
Al: Trust me, Mark, it's a big disappointment. He was not that nutty.

Quote from Tim

Joe: So, is Marie over here?
Tim: She and Jill are in there looking at dresses for that library fund-raiser thing. Which is why I am out in the garage.
Joe: Women and clothes! Why do they make such a big deal out of what they wear?
Tim: It's important. In my case, I'm thinking about a three-piece pin-striped blue suit with tasseled loafers. But I'll almost certain I'm gonna go with the off-the-shoulder taffeta gown with the pumps.
Joe: Can't wear that. That's what I'm wearing.
Tim: I'll go with the sling-backs.
Joe: That's a good look for you.

Quote from Tim

Marie: Tim, how sensational does Jill look in this dress?
Joe: Wow!
Tim: She looks good. I've always liked her in that dress.
Jill: Tim, this is brand-new. You've never seen it before.
Tim: On you. I've seen it. Al's got that dress.

Quote from Tim

Marie: Tim, tell her to forget about the money and buy the dress, please.
Tim: Honey, why don't you buy the dress. You never do anything nice for yourself. You know how you are.
Jill: What do you mean? How am I?
Tim: You're... tight, thrifty, cheap, cheap-o.
Jill: I am not cheap! I'm... frugal.
Tim: Frugal? You save pickle juice.
Jill: I re-use it in the tuna fish.
Tim: If you like the dress, buy it. We'll save money some other way. We won't feed the kids for a couple of months.

Quote from Jill

Joe: Hey, I got a dress guy who'll get you the same thing for half.
Tim: No.
Jill: Really? For half?
Joe: Mm-hmm.
Jill: Not a knockoff? Not a second?
Joe: The same exact dress. It's completely on the up and up.
Jill: Wow. OK. What's his name?
Joe: Can't say.
Jill: Well, what's his number?
Joe: No, no, you don't call him. He calls you.
Tim: And when he calls, you say, "The swallows fly... at midnight."

Quote from Jill

Jill: No, really. Is this on the up and up? You swear?
Joe: I guarantee it. I've known the guy for years. I'll have him call you tomorrow.
Jill: Great. OK. But make sure, because I gotta have this by the end of the week. There's the designer, this is the dress size. Don't tell anybody.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Oh, good. He's finally here. [opens door] Oh, no. It's just Al.
Al: It's not exactly "Glad to see you," but I'll take it.
Jill: Sorry. It's just that I'm waiting for somebody.
Al: Well, you look great.
Jill: I'm wearing a robe. Doesn't anybody notice? I'm wearing a robe!

Quote from Tim

Joe: Boy, your wife is really steamed.
Tim: Welcome to my world.
Joe: Oh, there's Jill's picture. I'm going to write something nice on it. Maybe she won't be so mad at me. [sees the picture] That's the picture you picked out?
Tim: Well, it looked a lot better on her driver's license, I'll tell you that.
Joe: You blew up her driver's license?
Tim: It's all I could find. She hid all the photo albums.
Joe: Oh, boy, are you in trouble.
Tim: No. I'm dead. I'm past dead. I'm deader than dead.
Joe: You know, but the good news is, I'm off the hook. [chuckles] I'm gonna get something to eat.

Quote from Al

Brad: Hey, Dad, I beat Al. I got a hole in one.
Al: Yes, he got a hole in one! Do we have to keep hearing about it? Brad got a hole in one. Yippee, yippee, yippee.
Tim: Sounds like you ruffled a few feathers.
Randy: When he plays miniature golf, he's like a different person.
Tim: That could be a good thing.
Brad: Dad, he's psycho golfer.
Al: I happen to take the game seriously.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I'm real sorry about this picture, Jill.
Jill: Look, I'm not just upset about the picture. I'm upset because of the fact that you never even realized how important this whole night was to me.
Tim: I know now.
Jill: Well, you should've known before. I've been talking about the library fund-raiser for months, and every time I do, your eyes just glaze over, and you go, "Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh."
Tim: Uh-huh.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Today on Tool Time, the name of the game is frames. You can frame a house. [holds up a picture of a wooden frame] You can frame your lenses. [holds up a picture of glasses] You can frame... a co-worker. [holds up a mug shot of Al]
Al: Tim, we're supposed to be talking about picture frames. Now, a good frame can accentuate the beauty of any subject.
Tim: Of course, there's exceptions to every rule. [holds up a photo frame around Al's head]

Quote from Tim

Tim: While Al's busy working, I'd like to veer off the subject for a little bit, if I could. I don't think men know just how selfish we can be sometimes. I know it might come to a shock to the audience here, but the old "Tool Man" can be a little insensitive at times.
Al: I know I'm taken aback.
Tim: How often do we put ourselves aside and think about the women in our lives we cherish? I know all the wives out there know I'm kidding around...
[As Tim holds up a picture of himself and a cartoon of a housewife with a rolling pin, Al holds up the Tool Time mail box address]

Quote from Al

Tim: You've prepared your surface. Now you're ready to paint. You want your bedroom the color of a football. Your wife wants it the color of a daisy. What color do you prefer, men?
Men: Football!
Tim: Hey, hey!
Al: Daisy.
Women: [cheer and applaud]
Al: Well, Tim, I like my bedroom to be light and airy.
Tim: Just like Al.

Quote from Tim

Tim: We're going to paint the bedroom the color of a football. Now, how do we match this color perfectly?
Al: Well, Tim, we use the Binford 250 Paint Boy.
Tim: Right.
Al: It mixes the color and analyzes the pigments.
Tim: Would that be the Three Little Pigments?
Al: No, Tim, it wouldn't.
Tim: Take your football, set it underneath the electric eye, press your color key, and boom - we've got ourselves Touchdown Brown.

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