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‘Whose Car is it Anyway?’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Whose Car is it Anyway?

606. Whose Car is it Anyway?

Aired October 22, 1996

Tim can't stop himself from getting involved when Jill receives an inheritance and wants to buy a convertible.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I didn't mean to steamroll you and ruin your fun. The truth is, I have the problem. I'm addicted to cars.
Jill: Well, duh.
Tim: I want to apologize for all the times I've wronged you automotivally.
Jill: That could take years.
Tim: That's why we've got to start, okay? Just listen. All right. Your birthday, 1975. Remember you wanted earrings? I bought you that chrome dipstick. Valentine's Day, 1976. You wanted earrings, I got you a case of transmission fluid. [timelapse] Our wedding, 1979. I insisted on the hot rod theme. Remember the three-barrel Stromberg wedding cake? It was a big hit. Christmas, 1980.
Jill: Tim. How do you remember all these dates?
Tim: It's part of my car sickness. I need help. I'm thinking of checking in to the Henry Ford Clinic.

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Quote from Tim

Tim: These things require constant attention, honey.
Jill: Yeah, I know. I was thinking I could learn about the car, and do some of the work myself.
Tim: [laughing] Ooh, boy. These have a positive ground wiring system that nobody understands. And don't even get me started on side draft carburetors. This... It's a shocker. I don't know what to say.
Jill: How about saying that you're really happy that I got the car I wanted?
Tim: All right. l... l... It's British! These people made a fighter plane out of wood!
Jill: Tim.
Tim: They put kidneys in pies, for God's sake!

Quote from Tim

Mark: What are you doing? [Tim hits his head on the hood]
Randy: I thought Mom said not to touch her car.
Tim: She'll be glad I did. I'm just checking out the wire, making sure there's no loose connections.
Brad: You're hotwiring Mom's car, aren't you?
Tim: I'm bypassing the ignition.
Randy: What kind of a twisted human being hotwires his wife's car?
Tim: You guys are old enough to know the truth. Your father is a sick, sick man.

Quote from Al

Heidi: Does everybody know what time it is?
Audience: Tool Time!
Heidi: That's right. Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! Woo-hoo! [cheering]
Tim: Thank you. Thank you, everybody. Thank you, Heidi, our Tool Time mother-to-be. [cheering] Welcome to Tool Time. I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. Of course, you all know my assistant, Al Borland. [cheering]
Al: Yesterday we showed you how to treat an electrical burn. [Tim holds up his arm] And a thermal burn. [Al holds up his arm]
Tim: But now we're showing the important part, fire safety equipment for the home. [siren sounding]
Al: Now, the most important piece of equipment in your home is the smoke alarm.
Tim: We suggest putting one of these in every room of the house.
Al: And if you're like Tim you should wear one on you belt.

Quote from Jill

Tim: I can't believe you bought a car without me. What did you do, buy that stupid Alfa?
Jill: No, but I think you're really gonna like the one that I did get.
Tim: It's British!
Jill: It's a '67 Austin-Healey.
Tim: I know what the heck it is! I don't know anything about British cars.
Jill: That was a big selling point.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Nine fifty-nine. Is she back?
Brad: Nope. It's your lucky night.
Randy: Not your best hair night, however.
Tim: Here she comes. Act natural.
Randy: Dad, your hair.
Tim: Hey, how was school?
Jill: Long and boring. Why are you holding your head?
Tim: Married to me for 17 years, you're asking why I'm holding my head?

Quote from Tim

Jill: Ready to go to dinner?
Tim: Yeah.
Jill: Wanna go in the Healey?
Tim: [grunts] Oh, yeah.
Jill: Well, you've earned it. It's been two weeks now and you've stayed away from my car without one relapse.
Tim: It wasn't easy. Every time I was tempted I just visualized Margaret Thatcher eating a kidney pie in a thong.

Quote from Al

Tim: I remodeled a little more power to the home fireman.
Al: Uh, fire safety is no joking matter.
Tim: I'm not joking about this, Al.
Al: Well, Tim, this hose is not constructed for any more pressure.
Tim: Al.
Al: I don't want to get wet.
Tim: Al.
Al: The audience doesn't want to.
Tim: Al! Ladies and gentlemen, the Tim Taylor version of The Home Fireman.
Al: Ladies and gentlemen, take cover!
[Tim opens the door to reveal an actual fireman standing in the booth]

Quote from Brad

Jill: Look at this. Not too shabby.
Brad: Well, did Aunt Sharon mention... Well, I was her favorite nephew?
Jill: Sorry. Apparently, Aunt Sharon stipulated that I spend the money on myself for something frivolous. She doesn't want me to live my life the way she lived hers.
Tim: She didn't spend a dime on anything. She made her own salt.
Brad: I still can't believe Aunt Sharon left us out of her will.
Randy: Yeah, I mean, we were always so nice to her. Which one was she?
Brad: I believe she was the bald one.
Randy: You're gonna have to narrow it down a little more than that.

Quote from Tim

Jill: I'm looking for a convertible.
Tim: Maybe a muscle car.
Jill: No, I don't want a muscle car.
Tim: Oh, come on. Show her the Shelby, will you? Just take a look at it, please.
Jerry: It's a beauty. It's got a 351 Windsor...
Tim: A Windsor!
Jerry: ...automatic transmission. It's got a new convertible top on there...
Jill: I don't like the door handles. That one is cute.
Tim: The door han...? Cute? Honey, we're buying a car, not a kitten.

Quote from Jill

Brad: Hey, Mom. Did you and Dad buy a new car?
Jill: No. I bought a car. Your father doesn't know about it yet.
Brad: You bought a car all by yourself?
Mark: Without Dad?
Randy: You trying to kill him or something?
Jill: No, I'm not trying to kill him. He'll suffer for a little while but he'll get over it.
Brad: All right. Who gets custody of us?
Jill: I think you'll want to go with me when you see the new sports car in the garage.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Hi.
Tim: [mocking] Hi. Thanks for leaving me at the car lot. Luckily, Jerry gave me a ride to work. Al was nice enough to drive me home at his typical 15 miles per hour.
Jill: I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that. I was angry.
Tim: Well, I was the one that got carried away. Your the one whose aunt died. I shouldn't have spoiled your fun.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Tim, what does any of that have to do with my car?
Tim: Well... I don't understand these kind of cars. If I don't understand it, you won't understand it. How do we know you didn't get a lemon?
Jill: No. I had it checked out by a British mechanic.
Tim: A British mechanic? What did he say, it was "ducky"?

Quote from Tim

Tim: [inner monologue] It does have a nice looking body on this. Good curves. I've had a lot of vehicles in my time, French, German, Italiano. But never British. Fits me like a glove. Nice feel on the clutch. Short throw on the gearbox. I gotta drive this car. If I only had the keys. Then I wouldn't have to hotwire it. What am I talking about? What kind of guy hotwires his wife's car? A guy like me.

Quote from Randy

Brad: Hey, Mark, hand me the sports section.
Mark: Here you go.
Randy: I don't believe it.
Brad: Lions won?
[Randy hands Brad the Metro section, the front page of which features picture of Tim giving a thumbs up in the Austin-Healey next to a story about the traffic jam]
Jill: Does anybody have the Metro section? I want to look at the weather.
Randy: Uh, we didn't get one today. I'm predicting cold with patchy fog.
Tim: We always get one. It's between classified and sports. [Randy hands the Metro section to Tim] But we didn't get one today, honey.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: One day I'm gonna figure out how to suck the leaves off the tree. [Wilson chuckles] What are you doing over there?
Wilson: Well, Tim, I'm providing sustenance for my Annelida terra firma.
Tim: [inquisitive grunt]
Wilson: I'm feeding my worms.
Tim: They like newspaper, huh? Probably love the gardening section.
Wilson: Well, actually, they seem to prefer the obituaries. [chuckles]
Tim: Don't quit your day job.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I'll be writing my obituary if I can't patch things up with Jill.
Wilson: Uh-oh. What's wrong now?
Tim: I promised her I wouldn't drive her new Austin-Healey.
Wilson: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I thought I saw a picture of you driving the Healey in the Metro section.
Tim: So did she. I can't figure it out. I get near her car, I take over.
Wilson: Uh-huh. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Same thing happened when Harry bought his truck and Al bought his Gremlin.
Tim: I love cars.
Wilson: Well, maybe you shouldn't love other people's cars so much.
Tim: That's my problem. I'm a man who loves too much. My love is hurting other people.
Wilson: So, I think maybe you should apologize to all the people you've wronged automotivally.
Tim: That could take years.
Wilson: Start with Jill.
Tim: That could take years.

Quote from Tim

Tim: It's also important to have a quality chemical extinguisher put in the house.
Al: That's right. Now, what if your extinguisher is empty and the fire is spreading?
Tim: Run like hell and hope you have good insurance.
Al: Binford has a better idea.
Tim: They always do, Al. Show us what they got.
Al: Introducing the Binford 6100 Home Fireman. Now, it taps right into your cold water line. And you want to be sure the main valve is in the off position when stored. [Tim turns the valve to on] Now, you got 40 feet of hose, double hose construction and a separate on/off switch right here. [man screaming] Oh!
Tim: That's perfect if you want to put out a cigarette or irritate a Teamster.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Well, they finally settled my Aunt Sharon's estate.
Brad: Cool. What's our cut?
Jill: Brad, don't be disrespectful.
Tim: Brad. What's our cut?
Jill: Oh, my God. It's $56,000!
Tim: She's giving us 56,000 smackaroonies?
Jill: Well, no, to me and my sisters.
Tim: Split it five ways? Ugh. lnheritance tax, probate costs, lawyer fees, tolls, tips, gratuities, who knows?
Jill: Well, how much do you think is gonna be left?
Tim: Well, put it this way. Your Aunt Sharon is not the only one going to end up in the hole.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Wow. It's not gonna be easy to go out and spend all this money on myself.
Tim: Spend it on me. At least it's going to a good cause.
Jill: There's a lot of things I could do with this money. I could go on a trip.
Tim: Yeah. We could go to Indy.
Jill: I could buy a lot of clothes.
Tim: You could wear them to Indy.
Jill: Would you forget about Indy?

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