Tim: I didn't mean to steamroll you and ruin your fun. The truth is, I have the problem. I'm addicted to cars.
Jill: Well, duh.
Tim: I want to apologize for all the times I've wronged you automotivally.
Jill: That could take years.
Tim: That's why we've got to start, okay? Just listen. All right. Your birthday, 1975. Remember you wanted earrings? I bought you that chrome dipstick. Valentine's Day, 1976. You wanted earrings, I got you a case of transmission fluid. [timelapse] Our wedding, 1979. I insisted on the hot rod theme. Remember the three-barrel Stromberg wedding cake? It was a big hit. Christmas, 1980.
Jill: Tim. How do you remember all these dates?
Tim: It's part of my car sickness. I need help. I'm thinking of checking in to the Henry Ford Clinic.

Tim: These things require constant attention, honey.
Jill: Yeah, I know. I was thinking I could learn about the car, and do some of the work myself.
Tim: [laughing] Ooh, boy. These have a positive ground wiring system that nobody understands. And don't even get me started on side draft carburetors. This... It's a shocker. I don't know what to say.
Jill: How about saying that you're really happy that I got the car I wanted?
Tim: All right. l... l... It's British! These people made a fighter plane out of wood!
Jill: Tim.
Tim: They put kidneys in pies, for God's sake!

Mark: What are you doing? [Tim hits his head on the hood]
Randy: I thought Mom said not to touch her car.
Tim: She'll be glad I did. I'm just checking out the wire, making sure there's no loose connections.
Brad: You're hotwiring Mom's car, aren't you?
Tim: I'm bypassing the ignition.
Randy: What kind of a twisted human being hotwires his wife's car?
Tim: You guys are old enough to know the truth. Your father is a sick, sick man.

Heidi: Does everybody know what time it is?
Audience: Tool Time!
Heidi: That's right. Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! Woo-hoo! [cheering]
Tim: Thank you. Thank you, everybody. Thank you, Heidi, our Tool Time mother-to-be. [cheering] Welcome to Tool Time. I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. Of course, you all know my assistant, Al Borland. [cheering]
Al: Yesterday we showed you how to treat an electrical burn. [Tim holds up his arm] And a thermal burn. [Al holds up his arm]
Tim: But now we're showing the important part, fire safety equipment for the home. [siren sounding]
Al: Now, the most important piece of equipment in your home is the smoke alarm.
Tim: We suggest putting one of these in every room of the house.
Al: And if you're like Tim you should wear one on you belt.

Tim: I can't believe you bought a car without me. What did you do, buy that stupid Alfa?
Jill: No, but I think you're really gonna like the one that I did get.
Tim: It's British!
Jill: It's a '67 Austin-Healey.
Tim: I know what the heck it is! I don't know anything about British cars.
Jill: That was a big selling point.

Tim: Nine fifty-nine. Is she back?
Brad: Nope. It's your lucky night.
Randy: Not your best hair night, however.
Tim: Here she comes. Act natural.
Randy: Dad, your hair.
Tim: Hey, how was school?
Jill: Long and boring. Why are you holding your head?
Tim: Married to me for 17 years, you're asking why I'm holding my head?

Jill: Ready to go to dinner?
Tim: Yeah.
Jill: Wanna go in the Healey?
Tim: [grunts] Oh, yeah.
Jill: Well, you've earned it. It's been two weeks now and you've stayed away from my car without one relapse.
Tim: It wasn't easy. Every time I was tempted I just visualized Margaret Thatcher eating a kidney pie in a thong.

Tim: I remodeled a little more power to the home fireman.
Al: Uh, fire safety is no joking matter.
Tim: I'm not joking about this, Al.
Al: Well, Tim, this hose is not constructed for any more pressure.
Tim: Al.
Al: I don't want to get wet.
Tim: Al.
Al: The audience doesn't want to.
Tim: Al! Ladies and gentlemen, the Tim Taylor version of The Home Fireman.
Al: Ladies and gentlemen, take cover!
[Tim opens the door to reveal an actual fireman standing in the booth]

Jill: Look at this. Not too shabby.
Brad: Well, did Aunt Sharon mention... Well, I was her favorite nephew?
Jill: Sorry. Apparently, Aunt Sharon stipulated that I spend the money on myself for something frivolous. She doesn't want me to live my life the way she lived hers.
Tim: She didn't spend a dime on anything. She made her own salt.
Brad: I still can't believe Aunt Sharon left us out of her will.
Randy: Yeah, I mean, we were always so nice to her. Which one was she?
Brad: I believe she was the bald one.
Randy: You're gonna have to narrow it down a little more than that.

Jill: I'm looking for a convertible.
Tim: Maybe a muscle car.
Jill: No, I don't want a muscle car.
Tim: Oh, come on. Show her the Shelby, will you? Just take a look at it, please.
Jerry: It's a beauty. It's got a 351 Windsor...
Tim: A Windsor!
Jerry: ...automatic transmission. It's got a new convertible top on there...
Jill: I don't like the door handles. That one is cute.
Tim: The door han...? Cute? Honey, we're buying a car, not a kitten.