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‘Whose Car is it Anyway?’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

Home Improvement: Whose Car is it Anyway?

606. Whose Car is it Anyway?

Aired October 22, 1996

Tim can't stop himself from getting involved when Jill receives an inheritance and wants to buy a convertible.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I didn't mean to steamroll you and ruin your fun. The truth is, I have the problem. I'm addicted to cars.
Jill: Well, duh.
Tim: I want to apologize for all the times I've wronged you automotivally.
Jill: That could take years.
Tim: That's why we've got to start, okay? Just listen. All right. Your birthday, 1975. Remember you wanted earrings? I bought you that chrome dipstick. Valentine's Day, 1976. You wanted earrings, I got you a case of transmission fluid. [timelapse] Our wedding, 1979. I insisted on the hot rod theme. Remember the three-barrel Stromberg wedding cake? It was a big hit. Christmas, 1980.
Jill: Tim. How do you remember all these dates?
Tim: It's part of my car sickness. I need help. I'm thinking of checking in to the Henry Ford Clinic.

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Quote from Tim

Tim: These things require constant attention, honey.
Jill: Yeah, I know. I was thinking I could learn about the car, and do some of the work myself.
Tim: [laughing] Ooh, boy. These have a positive ground wiring system that nobody understands. And don't even get me started on side draft carburetors. This... It's a shocker. I don't know what to say.
Jill: How about saying that you're really happy that I got the car I wanted?
Tim: All right. l... l... It's British! These people made a fighter plane out of wood!
Jill: Tim.
Tim: They put kidneys in pies, for God's sake!

Quote from Tim

Mark: What are you doing? [Tim hits his head on the hood]
Randy: I thought Mom said not to touch her car.
Tim: She'll be glad I did. I'm just checking out the wire, making sure there's no loose connections.
Brad: You're hotwiring Mom's car, aren't you?
Tim: I'm bypassing the ignition.
Randy: What kind of a twisted human being hotwires his wife's car?
Tim: You guys are old enough to know the truth. Your father is a sick, sick man.

Quote from Al

Heidi: Does everybody know what time it is?
Audience: Tool Time!
Heidi: That's right. Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! Woo-hoo! [cheering]
Tim: Thank you. Thank you, everybody. Thank you, Heidi, our Tool Time mother-to-be. [cheering] Welcome to Tool Time. I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. Of course, you all know my assistant, Al Borland. [cheering]
Al: Yesterday we showed you how to treat an electrical burn. [Tim holds up his arm] And a thermal burn. [Al holds up his arm]
Tim: But now we're showing the important part, fire safety equipment for the home. [siren sounding]
Al: Now, the most important piece of equipment in your home is the smoke alarm.
Tim: We suggest putting one of these in every room of the house.
Al: And if you're like Tim you should wear one on you belt.

Quote from Jill

Tim: I can't believe you bought a car without me. What did you do, buy that stupid Alfa?
Jill: No, but I think you're really gonna like the one that I did get.
Tim: It's British!
Jill: It's a '67 Austin-Healey.
Tim: I know what the heck it is! I don't know anything about British cars.
Jill: That was a big selling point.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Nine fifty-nine. Is she back?
Brad: Nope. It's your lucky night.
Randy: Not your best hair night, however.
Tim: Here she comes. Act natural.
Randy: Dad, your hair.
Tim: Hey, how was school?
Jill: Long and boring. Why are you holding your head?
Tim: Married to me for 17 years, you're asking why I'm holding my head?

Quote from Tim

Jill: Ready to go to dinner?
Tim: Yeah.
Jill: Wanna go in the Healey?
Tim: [grunts] Oh, yeah.
Jill: Well, you've earned it. It's been two weeks now and you've stayed away from my car without one relapse.
Tim: It wasn't easy. Every time I was tempted I just visualized Margaret Thatcher eating a kidney pie in a thong.

Quote from Al

Tim: I remodeled a little more power to the home fireman.
Al: Uh, fire safety is no joking matter.
Tim: I'm not joking about this, Al.
Al: Well, Tim, this hose is not constructed for any more pressure.
Tim: Al.
Al: I don't want to get wet.
Tim: Al.
Al: The audience doesn't want to.
Tim: Al! Ladies and gentlemen, the Tim Taylor version of The Home Fireman.
Al: Ladies and gentlemen, take cover!
[Tim opens the door to reveal an actual fireman standing in the booth]

Quote from Brad

Jill: Look at this. Not too shabby.
Brad: Well, did Aunt Sharon mention... Well, I was her favorite nephew?
Jill: Sorry. Apparently, Aunt Sharon stipulated that I spend the money on myself for something frivolous. She doesn't want me to live my life the way she lived hers.
Tim: She didn't spend a dime on anything. She made her own salt.
Brad: I still can't believe Aunt Sharon left us out of her will.
Randy: Yeah, I mean, we were always so nice to her. Which one was she?
Brad: I believe she was the bald one.
Randy: You're gonna have to narrow it down a little more than that.

Quote from Tim

Jill: I'm looking for a convertible.
Tim: Maybe a muscle car.
Jill: No, I don't want a muscle car.
Tim: Oh, come on. Show her the Shelby, will you? Just take a look at it, please.
Jerry: It's a beauty. It's got a 351 Windsor...
Tim: A Windsor!
Jerry: ...automatic transmission. It's got a new convertible top on there...
Jill: I don't like the door handles. That one is cute.
Tim: The door han...? Cute? Honey, we're buying a car, not a kitten.

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