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‘Oh, Brother’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Oh, Brother

513. Oh, Brother

Aired January 9, 1996

Tim hires his brother Marty to help build the new Tool Time set. Meanwhile, Brad gets a new talkative girlfriend, Angela.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: See, Romulus and Remus were very close until they decided to work together to build a city.
Tim: Yeah? What happened?
Wilson: Well, Romulus was the boss and he wanted things done his way. And Remus disagreed with him and that angered Romulus. So instead of working things out, you know what he did?
Tim: I'd fire him!
Wilson: No, he killed him.
Tim: Oh, boy! Oh, boy. Well, I guess when you're raised by a wolf, you lack certain social skills.
Wilson: No, Tim. The point is if Romulus hadn't been so rash, and tried to meet his brother halfway, they might've been able to patch things up.
Tim: Oh, I see. I should try to meet Marty halfway.
Wilson: There you go.

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Quote from Marty

Tim: All right, I'm sorry I was criticizing you. It's just... [sighs] when I notice somebody painting in a "glop-esque" manner that can result in peghole pluggage...
Marty: Well, your point is well taken, Tim.
Tim: Thank you.
Marty: However, one could also argue that peghole pluggage could easily be remedied with toothpick pokage.
Tim: Toothpick pokage? Go back over the job twice?
Marty: You gotta...
Al: I say we stop this arguing and we settle this with a group huggage.

Quote from Marty

Tim: Marty, you can't afford to quit.
Marty: Oh, don't tell me what I can afford. You're not the only brother I can turn to. If I have to, I'll borrow money from John.
Tim: He's in worse shape than you.
Marty: He'll get it from Jeff.
Tim: Where's he gonna get it?
Marty: He can get it from Rick.
Tim: And where's Rick gonna get the money?
Marty: From you.

Quote from Al

Tim: Welcome to the brand-new Tool Time set. We got a lot more tools.
Al: A lot more fire extinguishers.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Speaking of "kin," I hired my brother Marty to work at Tool Time. And ever since he's been there he's been driving me crazy.
Wilson: Mm, mm-hm. Mm-hm, mm-hm.
Tim: He thinks I'm bossing him around. I think he's just a pain in the butt. I might have to fire him.
Wilson: Hm. You know, Tim, I'm reminded of the story of Romulus and Remus.
Tim: [inquisitive grunt]
Wilson: They're two brothers who were abandoned at birth and nursed by a she-wolf.
Tim: Sounds like the story of Al and Cal Borland.

Quote from Benny

Benny: Hey, Tim! You should be ashamed of yourself. You "trow" your brother out?
Tim: I didn't "trow" him anywhere. He walked out.
Marty: Yeah. That's right. I quit. Because Tim's a jerk to work for.
Tim: Oh, I'm a jerk?
Benny: This is why I make it a policy never to work with family.
Harry: Yeah. That and the fact nobody in your family would hire ya.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Welcome back to a new segment here on Tool Time - The Resourceful Tool Man.
Al: Where we show you how a tool man can be... resourceful.
Tim: And redundant.
Al: Today the resourceful tool man goes to the kitchen. Now, say you have a hankering for cheese and crackers.
Tim: But every knife in your house is filthy. And your wife's not there to wash them. So what are you gonna do?
Al: You could clean one yourself.
Tim: Al, I'll do the jokes.
Al: Or you could run upstairs to the bathroom and get some trusty dental floss.
Tim: Heidi, my dental floss, please.
Heidi: Here you are, Tim.
Tim: Thank you.
Heidi: You're welcome.
Tim: Use unwaxed for your softer cheeses.
Al: That's right. And waxed for your cheddars and Gouda.
Tim: Nobody cuts the cheese like Al.

Quote from Tim

Tim: OK, now, let's say your wife's a little ticked at ya because instead of fixing the stove, you blew it up. She's wandering around the house saying, [feminine voice] "What are we gonna do now? Poach the fish in what, you lunkhead? What am I gonna do?"
Al: [feminine voice] "I have a 12-pound fish and it's all gonna go to waste." [off Tim's look] What? I don't do a woman's voice as well as you?
Tim: No. You do it a little too well.
Al: Our point is, the resourceful tool man doesn't need a working stove to make a delicious meal.
Tim: Exactly, Al. All you need is heat and steam. And what better way to use that than in the dishwasher?
Heidi: Here's your fresh piece of salmon, Tim.
Tim: Thank you, Heidi. Aah! There's a piece of fish! I'm gonna season my fish with a little dill. Fold the tinfoil around it, and set it on the top shelf in the dishwasher.
Al: Making sure to hit the dry cycle. And in 25 minutes, you have a perfectly poached fish.
Tim: Fortunately, We don't have to wait that long. We have a fish in there. When it's done, we'll pull it out. [bell dings] There it is. You hungry, Al?
Al: I'm famished.
Tim: All right! [audience groans as Tim opens the dishwasher]
Al: Did you hit dry cycle?
Tim: Oh, I went with the pot scrubber.

Quote from Brad

Tim: Hey, Brad. How's it going?
Brad: Great. I can't wait to go to school tomorrow.
Tim: New girl?
Brad: Yup. [phone rings] I got it. It's for me. [answers phone] Hello? Oh, hi, Uncle Marty. Yeah, he's right here. Try not to talk too long. I'm expecting a really important phone call. Yup. New girl.

Quote from Brad

Tim: Marty, you were supposed to call me after the job interview.
Marty: I tried. The phone's been busy for hours.
Tim: Brad, I asked you to stay off the phone, didn't I?
Brad: It's not fair that you always assume it was me.
Tim: Was it?
Brad: Yeah. But it still isn't fair.

Quote from Tim

Jill: What will you be doing?
Marty: I'm working for Tim.
Jill: Great!
Tim: We haven't worked together since we were kids. You remember that little stand we had out in front of the house? What a great team we were!
Jill: You two had a lemonade stand. That's so cute.
Tim: Right. It was a lube and oil change stand.
Jill: Of course.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hey, Al. Plans for the new Tool Time set. Take a look.
Al: Wow! We're dealing with more space.
Tim: We're going modular. All of our tools will be right at our fingertips.
Al: We've come a long way, my friend. Remember when we were just two crazy young tool men with a dream?
Tim: Actually, Al, it was one tool man and an extra stool.
Al: You remember it your way, I'll remember it my way.
Tim: Come on, Al, it's a great time for us. Tool Time is taking off. My favorite brother's working for us.
Al: I envy you. You know, I've always dreamed of working with my brother, Cal, side by side.
Tim: Actually, that would be "wide by wide," wouldn't it?

Quote from Tim

Marty: All right, what do you want me to do next?
Tim: Help Al bring that wood over here. We're going to start on the interview desk.
Marty: Hey, is that rosewood?
Tim: Honduran rosewood. Isn't it great looking?
Marty: Sure, if you don't mind pillaging the rain forest.
Tim: We're not pillaging the rain forest.
Al: Yeah, this wood was grown by farmers specifically for commercial use.
Marty: Sure, that's what they always say. But did you check it out?
Tim: Well, of course we did, Marty. While you were eating your sandwich, Al and I drove down to Honduras.

Quote from Brad

Jill: So, um, I heard that you just moved to town. How are you liking it so far?
Angela: Well, at first I didn't like it, 'cause it was, like, you know, different, and I didn't have friends. But then I started to make, you know, friends. Then, all of a sudden, I was, like, really, really, popular. And I love being really popular 'cause, like, back home the only girls who were really, really, popular were the cheerleaders. But I can't jump because I have really weak ankles, so I couldn't be a cheerleader. So it was such a drag because I would look so hot in that outfit. And I'm a really good speller. Does that answer your question?
Jill: That and so much more.
Brad: All right, let's get upstairs and start our homework.
Angela: Good idea. Let's, like, start with History because that's, like, the most boringest. Or French, which is even more boring than History, but not even as boring as French History...
Brad: She's great, isn't she?
Mark: Sure does talk a lot.
Randy: Well, she has a lot to say because, like, all of a sudden, she's, like, really popular. And you know how hard it is being really, really popular when you have, like, weak ankles.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Well, how was your day with your favorite brother?
Tim: Well, I guess it's a good time for the wife to say "I told you so."
Jill: Oh, I don't want to take pleasure in the fact that I was right and you were wrong.
Tim: Why? If I were ever right, I would.
Jill: Well, then, I have nothing to worry about.

Quote from Tim

Jill: You can't fire your own brother!
Tim: I just don't want another day like today. I'd like some peace and quiet. No more yakking or complaining for the rest of the night.
Angela: Do you have any soda?
Jill: Yeah. It's in the fridge.
Angela: I can't have diet soda because my mom believes, like, artificial sweeteners are really, really bad for you. So I have to have regular. But all you have is root beer which is, like, really, really gross. Or apple juice which is, like, really, really, bad for your teeth unless you water it down and that tastes yucky. So I'll just wait till I get home. Hi. [walks off]
Tim: Brad's new girlfriend?
Jill: Uh-huh.
Tim: Cute.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Wilson?
Wilson: Well, hi-de-ho, neighbor.
Tim: What are you doing?
Wilson: Tim, I'm practicing hurling.
Tim: Try some of Jill's meat loaf, you'll become an expert.
Wilson: No, Tim. Hurling is an ancient Irish sport. It's quite akin to field hockey.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Marty, it's kind of early. What are you doing here?
Marty: Yeah, there's something I want to talk to you about.
Tim: I know what you want to talk about. You figure we should work this thing out, otherwise we might turn into into Romeo and Rolex.
Marty: Huh?
Tim: The two brothers that had the severe rash that built the halfway house?

Quote from Harry

Marty: How about this? "Wanted: bright, energetic, self-starter willing to work long hours and weekends for very little pay."
Harry: I already got that job.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hey, Marty. What are you doing here?
Marty: What do you think I'm doing?
Tim: Probably the same thing you did when you worked for me - nothin'.
Marty: Look, I don't have to listen to you anymore because I'm not working for you anymore.
Tim: No. You don't have to listen to me anymore because I'm not talking to you anymore.
Marty: Well, I wasn't talking to you first.
Tim: Really? Well, I wasn't talking to you "infinity and beyond."

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