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Home Improvement: Reality Bytes

324. Reality Bytes

Aired May 18, 1994

Randy is corresponding with a woman on an online bulletin board by pretending to be a 32-year-old dermatologist. Meanwhile, Tim helps Mark with his science project and welcomes the crew of the NASA space shuttle Endeavour to Tool Time.

Quote from Brad

Randy: I don't know what she looks like. We've been sending love letters through the Singles bulletin board on the computer.
Brad: So when are you gonna meet her?
Randy: Never. She's 25.
Brad: No way. Why would a 25-year-old girl be interested in you?
Randy: Because she thinks I'm a 32-year-old dermatologist.
Brad: And, um, where did she get that idea?
Randy: That's what I told her. I also told her I'm 6'4" and drive a Ferrari.
Brad: Hm. Wait till she finds out you're 4'6" and pedal a Schwinn.

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Quote from Tim

Tim: Mark, here's the Styrofoam balls for the planets.
Mark: Dad, there's not that many planets.
Tim: Sure there are. Neptune, Jupiter, Saturn, Mars, Venus, Earth, Mercury, Ford, Chevy, Volvo... Yugo? That planet was destroyed.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Are you sure you have the right house?
Molly: Yes. I even sent him software at this address.
Jill: Um, why don't you come in? I think I may know what's going on here. Um, what else did this Randy Taylor tell you about himself?
Molly: Just that he has two annoying brothers, his mother can't cook, and he has an accident-prone father.
Tim: I'm glad I'm not in that family.
Jill: Tim, we are that family. Except for that cooking thing.

Quote from Randy

Randy: Hey, Mom. Are you and Dad gonna be here tomorrow, say, around 2:00?
Jill: Well, let's see, Dad's gonna be at the office, and I was thinking about going shopping. They're having a sale at a boutique I love.
Randy: Great. Fantastic. Best thing you can do.
Jill: Although... I don't know. I may just stay home. I mean, sales are really a big pain in the butt. All these women elbowing each other out of the way just to save 40 cents on a bra.
Randy: Well, you know, you should go shopping. You could use a new bra.
Jill: Really? How would you know that?
Randy: Dad told me. He also told me that the last time you bought a bra, it didn't look too good. So you should take your time and try 'em all on.
Jill: You know, I really don't think your father should be talking about stuff like that with you.
Randy: Well, you know, he seemed pretty disturbed by it. But I guarantee you, if you find the right bra, the problem will be solved. Good luck, Mom.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: You know, Tim, I'm reminded of an ancient Chinese proverb: "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man how to fish and you feed him for a lifetime."
Tim: If I let Mark do this himself, he's gonna learn more than if I finish it.
Wilson: Very good, Tim.
Tim: You know, but Chinese proverbs aren't gonna win any science fairs. If I let Mark do it all himself, there'd be no craftsmanship, no attention to detail, you know. He's the son of "The Tool Man." What would people say?
Wilson: About Mark, or about you?
Tim: I get it, I get it. But there's one thing... if I let Mark do it all, I won't get to glue anything.

Quote from Tim

Tim: You might say... one small [grunt] for man one big [three grunts] for mankind. [all grunt]

Quote from Randy

Molly: I'm looking for Randy Taylor.
Randy: There's no Randy Taylor here.
Molly: And who are you?
Randy: A kid.
Molly: That's strange. Dr. Taylor's gotta be here because I just sent him something to this address.
Randy: Uh... He moved out yesterday and we moved in today. Bye.
Molly: I don't see any moving boxes.
Randy: Well, uh... we're a circus family. We unpack fast.
Molly: Did Dr. Taylor leave a forwarding address?
Randy: Uh... no, but he mentioned joining the Peace Corps in China.
Molly: That seems very strange.
Randy: Well, not really. They're having a big acne epidemic in Beijing.

Quote from Jill

Molly: Now, this is really weird, because I have been getting love letters from a Randy Taylor, but he's much older than you. He says he loves me almost as much as his cast-iron scroll saw.
Jill: Wait a minute. Cast-iron scroll saw?
Molly: Mm-hm.
Jill: Well, I think I know what's going on here.
Randy: You do?
Jill: My husband always used to write about a cast-iron scroll saw in all of his love letters to me. He must be writing you love letters and then just signing our son's name.
Molly: He never told me that he was married. But it doesn't matter because I love him and he loves me.
Jill: I should've seen this coming when he started hating my bras!

Quote from Tim

Mark: I guess I'm ready to paint the planets.
Tim: All right. This is real tricky part. You've gotta make sure the pigment's evenly distributed over the surface of the... Evenly. All right. But, you know... All right. Good. It's your project. You move on to something more important and I'll try to even this out.
Mark: What should I do?
Tim: Bend the wires for the orbits.
Mark: OK.
Tim: Straight. Straighten it out. Straight.You got... Here. Now. You don't wanna waste time with this.
Mark: What should I do?
Tim: You wanna monitor the air exiting the surface of the paint.
Mark: What does that mean?
Tim: Watch the paint dry.

Quote from Tim

Mark: Dad? I'm going over to Bobby's house. Call me when I've finished my science project.
Tim: Not so fast. Not so fast. This is your science project. You're gonna do some of the work here. It's like that old Chinese proverb. You can teach a young fish to dance, but once it gets old, it sticks with you forever.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Specialty Tool Week here on Tool Time. We're doing our salute... to salutes. [salutes like crazy]
Al: Tim. Could we...?
Tim: We bet we could, fella. Actually, we're doin' our salute to Binford's new line of tools just for the ladies.
Al: Like this. Binford's lightweight Lady Binford drill. It's 30% lighter, which every woman likes in a tool.
Tim: As well as herself.
Tim: Well, these tools are fine for home, but what about a woman out on a formal affair?
Al: Ah, well, for that, we recommend Binford's Gal on the Go evening bag. Heidi?
Audience: Whooh!
Tim: As you can see, sequins on the outside, tools on the inside.
Al: A broken heel? Not a problem. You have a small hammer with nails. Problem zipper? Not a problem. You have a set of pliers. Unsightly nose hair? Not a problem. Needle nose pliers. But let's face it, ladies, if you have unsightly nose hair, you're not invited out to many formal affairs anyway. Thank you, Heidi.
Heidi: Thank you, Tim.
Tim: But what about the woman that's not good with tools in general? For that, we recommend "The Tool Man" in a Tote. One quick pull... [A blow-up version of Tim inflates]

Quote from Randy

Brad: Hey, Randy, wanna play some catch?
Randy: I can't. I'm doing my homework.
Brad: "Dear Molly..."
Randy: Hey, get out of here. I don't want you reading my homework.
Brad: It doesn't look like homework to me. "When I think of kissing you, my heart beats like a symphony."
Randy: It's for music class.
Brad: Oh, yeah? Then who's Molly?
Randy: Well, that shows how much you know. Molly is a musical instrument. [clears throat]

Quote from Brad

Brad: You know what I think? I think you've got a new girlfriend. Who is she?
Randy: Will you promise not to tell anybody?
Brad: She's that ugly?

Quote from Randy

Brad: What's that?
Randy: It's one of Dad's old love letters he wrote to Mom. They go over really great. "My darling, I wish you had been here this weekend to share one of the most exciting moments of my life: Two-for-One Day at Sears."

Quote from Mark

Mark: I'm making a solar system for my science project.
Tim: Science project? You know, I helped Randy make that volcano.
Mark: He got a D.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Tim... I think that Mark is smart enough to handle this project by himself.
Tim: Jill... I think it'd be a lot more fun if we did it together.
Jill: I don't want you taking it over.
Tim: There's nothing wrong with a father helping his son with a science project. My father helped me.
Jill: That was for the safety of the neighborhood.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Mark is never gonna learn anything if he doesn't do his own work.
Mark: That's right, Dad.
Tim: You stay out of this. This is between your mother and me.
Jill: Tim!
Tim: OK. I'll just watch. I'll guide him. What have you got planned for that solar system?
Mark: Well, the plan was to hang a bunch of Styrofoam balls on wires.
Tim: You can't just hang 'em on wires. First, you gotta get the right proportions for the planets. Then the right distance from the sun - that is perfect, there.
Mark: Dad, I thought you were just gonna watch.
Tim: I am. I'm just tellin' you what I wanna see.

Quote from Tim

Molly: I'm Molly.
Tim: Good golly. [Molly laughs] [to Jill:] This is Molly.
Molly: And who are you?
Jill: I'm Tim's wife, Jill.
Molly: Who's Tim?
Jill: The man you're holding hands with.
Molly: Oh! I'm sorry. I thought you were Randy.
Tim: We've a 12-year-old boy named Randy.
Molly: 12? No, the Randy Taylor I've been corresponding with over the computer is a dermatologist.
Tim: Honey, has Randy been skipping the sixth grade and going to medical school again?

Quote from Tim

Molly: Oh, I can't believe I have been corresponding with a 12-year-old.
Jill: Well, he's very mature for his age.
Molly: Yeah! You're not kidding! His letters were very romantic. And funny. The only really strange thing was his obsession with Sears.
Tim: There's nothing wrong with that.
Molly: You know, he said my wit was "as sharp as a radial arm saw," and he compared the glow of the moon to...
Jill: The headlights of a 1957 Buick Roadmaster convertible?
Molly: How did you know that?
Jill: Tim wrote that to me in a letter.
Tim: I did? That's good!
Jill: Randy's been copying your old love letters!

Quote from Jill

Jill: Oh, Molly, I am so sorry.
Molly: Nah, it's OK. I was in town on business anyway. Besides, he's just a kid. I wouldn't be too hard on him.
Tim: Well, you're not us. [chuckles]
Jill: We're parents. When our kids play doctor, we nail 'em for malpractice.

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