Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Don't Tell Momma’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Don't Tell Momma

402. Don't Tell Momma

Aired September 27, 1994

After getting on Jill's case about a small scratch on the station wagon, Tim drives it to a location shoot of Tool Time featuring a crane and a 3-ton beam.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Tim, why couldn't you just leave my car alone? Why do you have to obsess about a stupid little scratch? This is just a car. It's a hunk of metal used to haul kids to soccer practice.
Tim: This is not a hunk of metal! This used to be a classic.
Jill: It looks like a giant hot dog bun.

Rate

Quote from Tim

Tim: Look, look, this could've happened to anybody.
Jill: Yeah, anybody who parked under a crane. And what kind of a crane operator drops a three-ton beam anyway? You know, we should just sue that jerk for all he's worth.
Tim: Oh, we don't wanna do that.
Jill: Why not?
Tim: You married him.
Jill: Oh, no. You did this? You mean we've gotta pay for this?
Tim: I'm sure we got some beam-droppage thing in our insurance.

Quote from Randy

Brad: Um, I don't think the book is in the station wagon. I saw Mark with it.
Jill: What would Mark be doing with my abnormal psychology book?
Randy: Maybe trying to figure out what's wrong with him.

Quote from Tim

Jill: OK, let me get this straight. First, you give me a hard time because I get a little teeny scratch on the door, then you let somebody drop a building on it. Not only do you not tell me about any of this, but you tell other people that it was my fault.
Tim: It could've been your fault.
Jill: What?
Tim: Maybe that scratch weakened the entire structure of this car.
Jill: That is such a crock.

Quote from Al

Al: Didn't you study the manual at all?
Tim: A real man doesn't need a manual.
Al: All right. If you're so smart, show me the hand signals for swinging the crane.
Tim: Oh, hello, boom! [knocks Al's Popsicle crane off the table] Sorry, Al. Uh... Well, I guess that's it for the hand signals.
Al: Actually, Tim, I do have another hand signal for you, but it's not in the manual.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Looks like a scratch someone tried to cover up.
Jill: Oh, that. I got a little scratch on the car and I touched it up.
Tim: Touched it up with what?
Jill: You know, touch-up stuff.
Tim: What kind of touch-up stuff?
Jill: Nail polish.
Tim: Nail polish? You trying to kill me?
Jill: Oh, come on, Tim. It matched perfectly. Red Passion Delight.
Tim: What are you using for a dipstick? Your lipstick?

Quote from Randy

Tim: You guys didn't tell her, did you?
Randy: No. We thought it'd be more fun to watch you tell her.
Tim: Well, you might have to wait a little bit, 'cause I'm not gonna tell her for a while.
Brad: I don't know. Mom's pretty smart. As the weeks go by, she's gonna notice she doesn't have a car.
Randy: And then when she does, you'll have to tell her you totaled it.
Tim: No, no, no. It's a classic. You don't really total a classic. I can rebuild it from the existing parts, you know. Until I figure out how long that's gonna take me, I don't think we should tell Mom.
Randy: OK. Then we also don't have to tell her that we got kicked off the bus today.
Tim: Wait a minute. Wait! Whoa, whoa! What do you mean, you got kicked off the bus?
Brad: Well, let's just say there was an unfortunate incident involving some glue and Vinny McGurn's butt crack.
Randy: As of three o'clock, he's closed for business.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Eddie, Eddie. The kids called, said my wife is down here looking for a book she lost. I gotta get it out of the car.
Eddie: Well, actually, Tim...
Tim: I got no time. If she sees the car, she's gonna kill me. I gotta get that book, right?
Jill: You mean this book?
Tim: Look, she's here. Hi.
Jill: How did you do this to my car?
Eddie: You said she did it.
Tim: That's not what I said.
Eddie: Oh, yes, you did. Don't you remember? You said she parked it under a crane and a 3-ton beam fell on it.
Tim: You're killing me here, Eddie.
Eddie: Oh, sure. I get it. Everybody always blames the body shop guy. Right. Next he'll be telling her I dropped the beam on it.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: [howling]
Tim: Wilson? Swallow a pigeon?
Wilson: No, Tim. I'm ululating.
Tim: I didn't know men could do that.
Wilson: No, no, no, Tim. Ululating is a Middle Eastern custom expressing joy and sorrow.
Tim: What are you expressing now?
Wilson: Sorrow, because I can't ululate.

Quote from Tim

Wilson: You know, Tim, there's an old folk saying, "Obsessions are like fire and water: good servants, but bad masters." The point is, do you rule your obsession, or does your obsession rule you?
Tim: Between you and me, I don't think she knows how deep my love affair with cars is.
Wilson: What do you mean?
Tim: When we were dating, we'd go to the drive-in and she thought we were going there to make out. Actually, I was going there to check out the other cars. That would get me excited, then we'd make out.
Wilson: Tim, I'm gonna keep this under my hat.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Tim, just leave it alone. I'm fine with my car the way it is. Mind your own business.
Tim: You know what's gonna happen. That scratch is gonna rust. That rust will cause corrosion, which will eat away at the car, which will, in turn, eat away at me, leaving me a sad, pathetic, worthless man who just sits around the house moaning, "My car is wearing makeup. My car has got makeup."
Jill: Just take the keys. Oh, and while you're out, pick me up some green eye shadow. I noticed a nick on your lawn mower and I wanna touch it up.

Quote from Tim

Tim: OK, Al, now what?
Al: OK, hit the foot brake. Lock the beam in place. Right now. OK. Now, get out of the cab. Tim's getting out of the cab, and I'm going to move the beam right into place. As you go out, be careful. Don't hit the brake release with your foot.
Tim: OK. But this is the lever that would swing the beam?
Al: Yes, it is, but, Tim... [Al is knocked off the side of cabin] Tim!
Tim: Al, are you all right?
Al: Marv, look out! Tim, your foot! Don't hit the brake release!
Tim: What?
[Tim's foot knocks the brake release, dropping the beam down onto Jill's station wagon]

Quote from Randy

Tim: Do you think she saw Tool Time today?
Randy: No, I don't think so.
Tim: Great.
Brad: But we did.
Randy: Hey, don't worry, Dad. Mom's always wanted a compact car.

Quote from Brad

Jill: Have you seen my abnormal psychology book? I need it for my test. I can't find it anywhere.
Brad: Huh. Don't try telling the teacher that. Believe me, it never works.

Quote from Tim

Tim: You want sorrow? I'll give it to you. Jill's car had an unfortunate accident.
Wilson: Really? What happened?
Tim: Let's just say it involves a three-ton beam, a crane, and me.
Wilson: Say no more, Tim.

Quote from Tim

Tim: It started with such a simple idea. I just wanted to fix this little scratch in her car. Bada-boom, bing, things dropping. Now she's in there calling me... She says I'm obsessive.
Wilson: Well, were you obsessive?
Tim: She doesn't know what it takes to make a great finish on a car. That's all it is, you know. There's two or three coats of acrylic lacquer. Followed by a color sanding between each coat. You got to put two coats of base clear on there. 17 hours of me sanding that thing. It's got to air-dry for a couple of weeks. You pound it down with wax bring out the shine, you buff it out. Baby, you can see yourself in that thing.
Wilson: Tim, do you know what "obsessive" means?
Tim: I just wanted her paint to be perfect, and there's nothing wrong with that.
Wilson: Well, what's wrong is Jill's inside, not talking to you, and you're out here talking to me.
Tim: [grunts] Yeah, that is a little problem, yes.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Oh, hi. Did you take my car to the body shop?
Tim: Yes, I did.
Jill: Well, how does it look?
Tim: Well, I'll tell you what, can't even notice the scratch.
Jill: Good. I'll be glad to have it home again.
Tim: Uh, it's gonna take a little longer than I thought.
Jill: Oh, no. You're not gonna have 'em do a bunch of other stuff to it, are you?
Tim: No. We're just fixing what's wrong with it. When you get it back, it'll be like a whole new car.
Jill: Oh, I didn't get to see your location Tool Time, though. How'd it go?
Tim: Great. Tremendous.
Randy: Smashing.

Quote from Jill

Eddie: Oh, hi. Can I help you?
Jill: Oh, yeah. I'm Jill Taylor. My husband brought my station wagon here. I need to get a book out of it.
Eddie: Oh, yes. We'll be putting in a lot of overtime on your job.
Jill: Overtime? For that little thing?
Eddie: Boy, I'd like to know what you'd consider a big thing.
Jill: Oh, please. I've done way more damage than that.
Eddie: [smiles] Really? Let me give you one of my cards. And please, you feel free to call me anytime.

Quote from Tim

Tim: [on the phone] Lenny, I've got the insurance policy right in front of me. No, I'm sure there's gotta be a clause here covering beam droppage or something. Go back to that section... What is it? 29... 29B. Yeah, all right. The soup-up clause. The part that covers me for personal injury due to personal negligence. Keep looking. Dropping a beam on a car's gotta be in there. And if by some chance it's not, you should put it in, 'cause you never know when something like that could happen. Ah. You saw the show.

Quote from Al

Tim: Today, Al and I are talking about cranes.
Al: A subject near and dear to my heart.
Tim: Al here is kind of a crane nut.
Al: Yes, Tim, I am. As a matter of fact, after my stint in the navy, I spent a year as a crane operator. I've lifted some mighty heavy loads in my day.
Tim: You make this so easy.
Al: Even before that, as a youngster, I used to build model cranes. And I ended up with quite an eclectic collection. Marv, you wanna come in and get a closer look at all this? Now, I have to say I'm especially proud of my first crane. I spent the better part of sixth grade crafting it. It's made entirely out of Popsicle sticks.

Page 2 
 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode