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Home Improvement: Don't Tell Momma

402. Don't Tell Momma

Aired September 27, 1994

After getting on Jill's case about a small scratch on the station wagon, Tim drives it to a location shoot of Tool Time featuring a crane and a 3-ton beam.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Tim, why couldn't you just leave my car alone? Why do you have to obsess about a stupid little scratch? This is just a car. It's a hunk of metal used to haul kids to soccer practice.
Tim: This is not a hunk of metal! This used to be a classic.
Jill: It looks like a giant hot dog bun.

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Quote from Tim

Tim: Look, look, this could've happened to anybody.
Jill: Yeah, anybody who parked under a crane. And what kind of a crane operator drops a three-ton beam anyway? You know, we should just sue that jerk for all he's worth.
Tim: Oh, we don't wanna do that.
Jill: Why not?
Tim: You married him.
Jill: Oh, no. You did this? You mean we've gotta pay for this?
Tim: I'm sure we got some beam-droppage thing in our insurance.

Quote from Randy

Brad: Um, I don't think the book is in the station wagon. I saw Mark with it.
Jill: What would Mark be doing with my abnormal psychology book?
Randy: Maybe trying to figure out what's wrong with him.

Quote from Tim

Jill: OK, let me get this straight. First, you give me a hard time because I get a little teeny scratch on the door, then you let somebody drop a building on it. Not only do you not tell me about any of this, but you tell other people that it was my fault.
Tim: It could've been your fault.
Jill: What?
Tim: Maybe that scratch weakened the entire structure of this car.
Jill: That is such a crock.

Quote from Al

Al: Didn't you study the manual at all?
Tim: A real man doesn't need a manual.
Al: All right. If you're so smart, show me the hand signals for swinging the crane.
Tim: Oh, hello, boom! [knocks Al's Popsicle crane off the table] Sorry, Al. Uh... Well, I guess that's it for the hand signals.
Al: Actually, Tim, I do have another hand signal for you, but it's not in the manual.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Looks like a scratch someone tried to cover up.
Jill: Oh, that. I got a little scratch on the car and I touched it up.
Tim: Touched it up with what?
Jill: You know, touch-up stuff.
Tim: What kind of touch-up stuff?
Jill: Nail polish.
Tim: Nail polish? You trying to kill me?
Jill: Oh, come on, Tim. It matched perfectly. Red Passion Delight.
Tim: What are you using for a dipstick? Your lipstick?

Quote from Randy

Tim: You guys didn't tell her, did you?
Randy: No. We thought it'd be more fun to watch you tell her.
Tim: Well, you might have to wait a little bit, 'cause I'm not gonna tell her for a while.
Brad: I don't know. Mom's pretty smart. As the weeks go by, she's gonna notice she doesn't have a car.
Randy: And then when she does, you'll have to tell her you totaled it.
Tim: No, no, no. It's a classic. You don't really total a classic. I can rebuild it from the existing parts, you know. Until I figure out how long that's gonna take me, I don't think we should tell Mom.
Randy: OK. Then we also don't have to tell her that we got kicked off the bus today.
Tim: Wait a minute. Wait! Whoa, whoa! What do you mean, you got kicked off the bus?
Brad: Well, let's just say there was an unfortunate incident involving some glue and Vinny McGurn's butt crack.
Randy: As of three o'clock, he's closed for business.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Eddie, Eddie. The kids called, said my wife is down here looking for a book she lost. I gotta get it out of the car.
Eddie: Well, actually, Tim...
Tim: I got no time. If she sees the car, she's gonna kill me. I gotta get that book, right?
Jill: You mean this book?
Tim: Look, she's here. Hi.
Jill: How did you do this to my car?
Eddie: You said she did it.
Tim: That's not what I said.
Eddie: Oh, yes, you did. Don't you remember? You said she parked it under a crane and a 3-ton beam fell on it.
Tim: You're killing me here, Eddie.
Eddie: Oh, sure. I get it. Everybody always blames the body shop guy. Right. Next he'll be telling her I dropped the beam on it.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: [howling]
Tim: Wilson? Swallow a pigeon?
Wilson: No, Tim. I'm ululating.
Tim: I didn't know men could do that.
Wilson: No, no, no, Tim. Ululating is a Middle Eastern custom expressing joy and sorrow.
Tim: What are you expressing now?
Wilson: Sorrow, because I can't ululate.

Quote from Tim

Wilson: You know, Tim, there's an old folk saying, "Obsessions are like fire and water: good servants, but bad masters." The point is, do you rule your obsession, or does your obsession rule you?
Tim: Between you and me, I don't think she knows how deep my love affair with cars is.
Wilson: What do you mean?
Tim: When we were dating, we'd go to the drive-in and she thought we were going there to make out. Actually, I was going there to check out the other cars. That would get me excited, then we'd make out.
Wilson: Tim, I'm gonna keep this under my hat.

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