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‘Dream On’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Dream On

314. Dream On

Aired January 12, 1994

Al tells Tim that Ilene had a raunchy dream about him.

Quote from Al

Al: Well, last night, something very disturbing happened. Ilene... had a dream.
Tim: No. Not a dream. While she was sleeping? You know, scientists may want to study her.
Al: You don't understand. It was a very passionate dream. Clothes were strewn about.
Tim: Not strewn about!
Al: Yes, strewn. She was talking to this man who she said had a very deep voice. And they were... they were riding a golden stallion, and he was wearing bicycle shorts.
Tim: Get a grip, will you? It's a dream. Don't you dream about other women sometimes?
Al: No! My dreams are good, clean fun.
Tim: You're driving yourself crazy over a silly dream with some jerk in it.
Al: Well, it wasn't just some jerk, Tim. It was you.
Tim: Really?
Al: Oh, I shouldn't have told you that.

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Quote from Brad

Brad: OK, Randy. It's your turn.
Randy: All right. I'll put an "M" on top of the "E," and then "L-O-N." That's "melon." Double word score - 14 points.
Brad: Pretty good. Watch this. After the "N," I'll add "O-L-O-G-Y." That's 16 points.
Randy: "Melonology"?
Brad: The study of melons.
Randy: There's no such word as "melonology."
Brad: Yeah, there is. Call the fruit section at the grocery store.
Randy: Well, who should I ask for, the melonologist?

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Al's girlfriend Ilene had a dream about me, so I made a joke about it, and she got upset and broke up with Al. Jill thinks it's all my fault.
Wilson: Well, Tim, humor can be a wonderful thing. The Koran says, "He deserves paradise who makes his companions laugh."
Tim: Yeah... Those Koreans know what's funny.
Wilson: On the other hand, Tim, Cervantes, the 16th-century novelist, said... "A jest that gives pain is no jest." In this case, you might have caused a little bit of pain.
Tim: Well, I certainly didn't mean to. Jokes are what I'm all about. That's why people like me.
Wilson: Well, maybe sometimes you go too far.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: I just didn't take the dream that seriously.
Wilson: Some people do. You know, dreams can have a deep and profound meaning. You know what the psychoanalyst Carl Jung said?
Tim: Yin, yang, Jung? Where does it end, Wilson?
Wilson: Jung said dreams were merely symbols of something else. Plus, he recognized the significance of names and letters in dreams. In particular, first initials.
Tim: Hmm. First initials, huh? Jill dreams about Tarzan and Jane. That's a "T" and a "J." - She's Jane, that's Jill.
Mm-hmm. "T" could be Tim. Tim and Jill. We're Tarzan and Jane?
Wilson: Very good, Tarzan. Jung would be impressed.
Tim: Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.

Quote from Jill

Jill: All right. If you must know... I dream about Tarzan.
Tim: Tarzan of the jungle?
Jill: No, Tarzan of St. Louis.
Tim: Tarzan doesn't even have a car.
Jill: We don't need a car. We never leave the tree house. You see, it's just Tarzan and me. I'm Jane. I'm wearing this cute leopard-skinned outfit, and I have big, beautiful breasts.
Tim: I dream about that, too. What's the big deal about Tarzan?
Jill: Well, Tarzan's very strong but sensitive. Takes me in his arms, pulls me up to this big, huge, muscular chest. I can hear his heart beating. My heart beats faster. I close my eyes, he starts kissing my neck...
Tim: Jill...
Jill: Then he starts kissing...
Tim: Got a minute?
Jill: Sorry. God, is it hot in here?

Quote from Tim

Tim: I'm so proud of Brad. Playing Scrabble, he came up with "melonology."
Jill: That's not a word, Tim.
Tim: Melonology - the study of guys named Mel.

Quote from Tim

Ilene: Oh, Al, you are the manliest man I've ever met.
Al: Well, then why were you dreaming about Tim?
Tim: Oh, could I take a crack at that one? There's this Korean philosopher, Yin Yang Jung, and he talks about dreams, and dreams are a lot about initials. She's dreaming about Tim Taylor, actually it's "TT." It could have been "tub of tomatoes," "Tony the Tiger..." Oh, "Tater Tot." Tater Tot, that's it. Tater Tot. You put a flannel shirt on a Tater Tot, you got you.
Al: Thanks, Tim.
Tim: Mm-hmm.
Al: You've been a big help.
Tim: I'm good with dreams.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Welcome to Tool Time. I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. I think you all know my assistant - Al...
Al: Borland. Today on Tool Time, Tim and I are going to be talking about refinishing.
Tim: That's right, Al. Just when you're finished repairing that old table, you think you're finished, but you're not really finished until you refinish.
Al: Are you finished?
Tim: No, but I have an uncle who lives in Denmark.
Al: Tim.
Tim: Actually, his name's Lars.

Quote from Tim

Tim: We've taken the first coat off of this table, now we're ready to sand it down and put our last coat of stain on there.
Al: Now, before you get started, be sure to wear protective eyewear and dust mask.
Tim: That's right.
Al: Because allergic reactions to wood are common when working with members of the nut-bearing family.
Tim: Like the Borlands.
Al: It's also a good idea to wear protective gloves.
Tim: Al, you're starting to act like my mother. If that beard were any thicker, you'd look like your mother.
Al: Tim, I think it's a good idea to wear the gloves.
Tim: I've been working with wood all my life. I'm not allergic to hardwood.
Al: That's not the point. There's a lot of dust here and... Well, you can develop an allergy over time. Symptoms can include puffiness around the eyes, severe rash, extreme swelling.
Tim: Oh, Al, I think you may be right. [Tim's hands swell up] My eyes are really itchy.

Quote from Tim

Al: It's personal. I don't wanna talk about it.
Tim: Tell me, I won't tell anybody. I'm your best friend. I'm your only friend.
Al: It's a remark like that that makes me not wanna tell you.
Tim: I'm kidding. I can see a big flannel cloud hovering over your head.

Quote from Tim

Tim: A golden stallion. Hyah! Hyah! Tight bicycle shorts.
Al: Tim!
Tim: Hyah! Hyah! Hyah... It's just a dream, a very common dream. Women all over the tri-state area look at me as a symbol of virility.
Al: All I can say is, I don't want you showing up in her dreams again, or there's gonna be trouble.
Tim: What, are you gonna fall asleep and dream like you're beating me up?
Al: OK, I know that it's not your fault. It's just that Ilene means so much to me. And, well... I wanted to be the one on that golden stallion riding into the sunset, wearing skimpy bicycle shorts.
Tim: There's a pretty picture.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Did you tell Al and Ilene to come for dinner at seven?
Tim: Yeah. They almost didn't come. Al's a little upset because apparently Ilene had a dream about me.
Jill: What'd she eat before she went to sleep?
Tim: Get this. She dreamed that I was riding a golden stallion, with a deep sexy voice and tight bicycle shorts.
Jill: Wow! She must have had a big bean burrito.
Tim: Really? You know, a lot of women watch Tool Time. Sooner or later, they are thinking, "I want him." [Jill laughs] Smirk if you will, but you're not the only woman who dreams about me.
Jill: I don't dream about you, Tim. It's bad enough I have to see you when I'm awake.

Quote from Jill

Tim: All right, be honest with me. When you dream about me, what am I usually wearing?
Jill: I told you. I don't dream about you.
Tim: Well, who do you dream about?
Jill: You know, the usual.
Tim: Like Mario Andretti, Al Unser, that sort of stuff?
Jill: No. That's who you dream about. The guy that I dream about isn't even real.
Tim: If he's not real, it's, like, a cartoon character, like Bullwinkle?
Jill: No, Tim. It's not Bullwinkle.
Tim: Scooby-Doo?
Jill: Yeah, that's right. You really know me! Me and Scooby-Doo. I hold Scooby's hand. We walk along the Scooby-beach. Do a little Scooby-diving.

Quote from Tim

Ilene: It's great of you to have us over.
Jill: It's nice to have you.
Al: I brought a very lovely tart.
Tim: Al, that's no way to talk about Ilene.
Al: I was talking about...
Ilene: Honey, he was kidding. Tim, you have a delightful sense of humor.
Tim: Thanks. I try.
Al: Well, I have a delightful sense of humor, too. A lot of people find me hilarious.
Ilene: Well, of course you are. It's just that your humor is more... subtle.
Tim: Yeah. Sometimes Al doesn't even get it.

Quote from Tim

Jill: I'm trying a new recipe. I hope you all like it.
Ilene: Oh, I'm sure it'll be great. I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse.
Tim: [chokes] You're in luck. Jill cooked stallion.
Jill: Tim.
Tim: Did I say "stallion"? I meant "scallion." Big golden scallion.
Al: Tim, would you just...? Could you please...
Tim: I'm talking about scallions.
Al: I know what you're talking about.
Tim: Well, it's not like I said she's cooking bicycle shorts.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Guys, guys, come on. What's the big deal? It's just a silly dream. Jill dreams about being naked, running around with Tarzan.
Jill: Tim!

Quote from Tim

Tim: Jill, it's gonna be OK. They're a couple, they had a little tiff. They'll get over it. Every relationship goes through stuff like this. In the long run, Al's gonna thank me for this.
Al: [enters] Well, thank you, Tim.
Jill: There you go.
Al: Ilene broke up with me, she took my car and never wants to see me again.
Tim: Al, she's coming back.
Al: How would you know?
Tim: Well, if she doesn't, it's grand theft auto.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Al, I only make fun of people and joke around with people I like.
Al: You must like me an awful lot.
Tim: I think of you like one of my brothers.
Al: You do?
Tim: Yeah. I used to joke and gag with them all the time. That's why most of them won't speak to me to this day.
Al: So what you're saying is that when you make fun of my weight and my beard, it's because you like me?
Tim: Yeah.
Al: How about when you tease me about wearing flannel?
Tim: I do that because you look ridiculous.
Al: Well, I never told you this, Tim, but I think of you as a brother, too. [hugs Tim] Ilene.
Tim: Of course you lean. You're lopsided.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Tim? Tim?
Tim: [Tarzan yell]
Jill: It's 15 degrees out there.
Tim: You Jane, me frozen.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Practicing for the ballet, Wilson?
Wilson: No, Tim. I'm just reacquainting myself with t'ai chi, an ancient form of Chinese exercise. It balances the female and the male, the yin and the yang.
Tim: From over here, the yin thinks the yang is a "yidiot."

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