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‘Heavy Meddle’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Heavy Meddle

205. Heavy Meddle

Aired October 14, 1992

Tim has a bunch of guys around so he can finally put the engine in the hot rod, but Jill has idea of setting Karen up with one of Tim's friends.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hey, why don't you and I play a little game?
Jill: What?
Tim: Let's play a little game, just you and I. Let's play.
Jill: OK. OK, all right. [Tim gestures] Three words. First word. Me. Woman. Jill. Jill, OK. Three words. Third word, third word. Hamburger. Red. Meat. Meat. Jill blank meat. Second word. [Tim pounds the burger patty] Jill dead meat.
Jill: So I guess you're kind of annoyed that nobody's working on your engine.
Tim: Well, how would you feel about it? If you planned a wedding shower for three months the night of the wedding shower, I bring these guys over to watch football?
Jill: That happened, Tim.
Tim: And you didn't like it, did you?

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Quote from Wilson

Jill: Wilson, aren't human beings more important than machines?
Wilson: Well, without a doubt. Although, I am quite fond of my waffle maker.
Jill: Well, thank you. I wish you would tell that to that knucklehead I'm married to.
Wilson: Oh, he knows how I feel. He's had my waffles.

Quote from Tim

Al: Tim, maybe we can get a head start on that shed over the weekend.
Tim: Ooh, no can do, Al. This weekend, after two years, I'm finally putting the soul in the beast. I'm dumping that big 350 Chevy engine in my hot rod.
Al: Really?
Tim: Yeah.
Al: Well, that would be hard to do by yourself.
Tim: That's why I got a couple of guys coming over. A little work party, a celebration of man and machine. [grunts]

Quote from Al

Tim: Al, I would have asked you, but I thought you'd be with Greta at that big linoleum exhibit.
Al: Well, uh... I told Greta that I didn't want to be tied down. And, you know, we just... we both thought that it was best to explore other options.
Tim: She dumped you, huh?
Al: Yeah. Well, have a good weekend, Tim.
Tim: Hey, Al. You know, we could probably use another hand dropping that engine in, if you're free.
Al: Completely free! I love parties! Is there a theme?
Tim: A theme? Yeah, we're doing the Wild West.
Al: I could bring jerky.
Tim: They say you are what you eat, Al.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I'd like to sit and chat with you women, but I've got to go pray to Chevy, the combustion god.

Quote from Al

Al: Howdy, partners.
Tim: Hi, Al. Nice hat. What's that, 500 gallon? You know everybody. Bob, Hank, guys, say howdy to Al.
Bob: Howdy, Al.
Al: Howdy.
Hank: Hi, Al.
Al: Howdy.
Bob: Tim, didn't I read that a Chevy engine in a Ford was a felony in Michigan.
Al: [to Hank] You know, Tim told me it was a western theme.
Tim: Let's go over this one more time. I picked the Chevy because it's got more midrange torque. OK, I got availability of parts. I think it's a better motor...
Bob: Hey, hey, it's your rod.
Tim: Thank you.
Al: Tim told me it was a western theme.

Quote from Brad

Tim: Where you going with the hose?
Brad: I thought maybe I'd water the lawn.
Tim: What did I tell you about water balloons?
Brad: Fill them up real full so they bust on contact?
Tim: That's right.

Quote from Al

Jill: This is great. This is great. We'll barbecue.
Leslie: Oh, honey, we're gonna barbecue!
Tim: Barbecue's a bad idea. The guys are not interested in a barbecue. Nobody wants to barbecue.
Bob: I'll have a hot dog.
Hank: I'll have a steak.
Al: I can make shish kebab. [Tim grunts]

Quote from Tim

Jill: Look, I know that you're not happy that things didn't go the way you planned. But more importantly, we've got two friends that we're trying to get together in there.
Tim: Not we, you. Why do you always have to fix people up?
Jill: Everybody does that.
Tim: Everybody doesn't do that. Women do that. Guys don't sit around and go, "Boy, Frank, we gotta find somebody for him. I mean, all he does is go to that great job, watch football, drink beer, and race his car on weekends. His life is just so empty."

Quote from Wilson

Jill: I mean, here I am trying to get these two people together and all he can think about is this hunk of metal in the garage.
Wilson: Well, that's because to him it's more than just a hunk of metal. To Tim, it's a 1934 Roadster Street Rod, Mystic Midnight Blue, queen bee headlights, suicide doors with hidden hinges, rolled rear pan... [grunts] Oh, yes...
Jill: I know it's important to him. So he lost a day. Big deal. You know, he's taking this so personally.
Wilson: You know, Jill.... the Navajo Indians believe that when a craftsman makes a basket or a sand painting, his spirit actually enters the object and he becomes a part of it.
Jill: So you're saying that the two become one?
Wilson: That's about it.
Jill: So by dismissing the object, I've been dismissing the man. Thank you, Wilson. [goes back inside]
Wilson: Jill? Jill? The burger?

Quote from Jill

Jill: You know, now that this engine's in, it's so beautiful. It's really starting to look like a car.
Tim: A street rod.
Jill: A street rod.
Jill: So, this is the front.
Tim: Yes, Jill. This is the front. And hey, look here... The back.
Jill: No, really. I'm... I'm beginning to envision this, you know. The Mystic Midnight blue, queen bee headlights, windshield... suicide doors, rolling rear end...
Tim: Rolled rear pan.
Jill: Rolled rear pan. And this, of course, which is the soul of the beast... [engine sounds] I've gotta tell you, Tim. This street rod is real tweaky.
Tim: It's tweaked out.
Jill: Exactly. It's cherry. You know, I'm really getting into this engine stuff. I feel an uncontrollable urge to torque something. [Tim grunts]

Quote from Jill

Jill: Why haven't I met Frank?
Tim: There is no Frank!
Jill: Well, then why did you bring him up?
Tim: Just to show how obsessed you get...
Jill: I am not obsessed!
Tim: Then why do you put us through this?
Jill: Well, because maybe I want everybody to be as happy as we are!

Quote from Jill

Jill: So, what about an old movie? We got A Man and a Woman here at the Berkeley.
Karen: No, nothing romantic. The way I'm feeling about men, I want to see something with chain saw in the title.
Tim: Aw, Karen, man trouble?
Jill: I don't understand what happened. You told me that you and Greg were doing so well.
Karen: Well, I thought we were. But then he said something about maybe we should think about seeing other people. And we all know what that means.
Jill: Yeah. It means he already is.
Karen: Yeah, well, you know what? I'm fed up and I'm through with men.
Tim: On behalf of all men, I'd like to say thank you.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Come on. This has gotta stop. You guys gotta make friends with those boys. Have them over for lunch.
Randy: Yeah, right.
Brad: Dad said to pick the biggest one and pound him into the ground.
Tim: Only if the lunch thing didn't work out.
Brad: You never said that!
Jill: No pounding!

Quote from Tim

Jill: Dave Gibbons? Is he coming over?
Tim: Yeah!
Jill: Karen, have you ever met him?
Tim: No, no, no, no, no, no. I need him in the garage, please?
Jill: I just want to introduce them.
Tim: What happened to this romantic chain saw movie you're going to?

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