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‘May the Best Man Win’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: May the Best Man Win

208. May the Best Man Win

Aired November 11, 1992

Tim is upset when Maureen Binford (Vicki Lewis) announces she is the new producer of Tool Time. With Al firmly on Maureen's side, Tim can't find anyone to talk to now that Jill has a temporary job.

Quote from Jill

Jill: This is so weird, you know. I mean, I get to go to work and everything, but I don't get to be here when you kids get home from school. I keep thinking of that first day that I walked you to kindergarten, Brad. You know, you went up those stairs and turned around waved your little chubby hand and said, [feigns crying] "B'bye, Mommy."
Randy: "B'bye, Mommy."
Jill: Oh, come on. Stop, stop.

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Quote from Tim

Tim: Come here. I'm gonna try to work this out, OK? Let's say you got this business. Uh, bubblegum factories. Somebody comes in and tries...
Mark: Do I have cherry bubblegum?
Tim: Oh, yeah, yeah. Probably racks of the best they have. Of course, a lot of that cherry bubblegum. Anyway, so...
Mark: Do I have baseball cards?
Tim: Yeah, you got baseball cards. You've got a little assistant with a little beard. Whatever you want. You got everything. Anyway, so... you got this bubblegum factory - cherry bubblegum and the baseball stuff - and this girl comes in, tries to run things. You know, you've been running it for quite a while and made a big success out of it. But this little red-headed little... you know, little nice little girl, she comes in and takes over. What do you do?
Mark: I tell Mommy.
Tim: But Mommy's not home, is she? [Mark shakes his head] And so the girl takes over your bubblegum factory. You know, it's just the way life is, Mark.

Quote from Tim

Brad: Dad, how come you didn't make your famous chocolate-chip pancakes?
Tim: Because I didn't have time to make 'em. Just eat your cereal, will ya?
Randy: Well, Mom usually slices up bananas. Why don't you?
Tim: Because I don't love you as much as Mom does.

Quote from Al

Al: Mo has some very good ideas.
Tim: Oh, has Mo?
Al: Well, yes. You know, yesterday when we were having coffee together...
Tim: Having coffee together? Al, what has turned you against me all of a sudden? Haven't I always treated you like a brother?
Al: No.
Tim: A good friend.
Al: Good?

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Hey, Wilson. What are you doing?
Wilson: I'm gathering herbs. A warm bath of eucalyptus and rosemary can be quite invigorating.
Tim: [grunts] Sounds very aromatic, yeah. I had a really bad day. Maybe I should try some of that.
Wilson: Darn good idea. Well, I'll see ya.
Tim: Hold it, Wilson. I gotta ask you something.
Wilson: Well, maybe we can do this tomorrow, Tim?
Tim: No, no. I need to ask you right now. It seems like everything in my life is up in the air.
Wilson: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Tim: Everything's changing.
Wilson: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Tim: Well, there's this woman that came into Tool Time. She's trying to take it over. And... Well, I've made Tool Time a success, you know, over three years. And I don't think it needs any change.
Wilson: Well, Tim... sometimes change... can be a good thing. Good night. [exits]

Quote from Jill

Jill: Well, who the hell does she think she is?
Tim: Maureen Binford.
Jill: Wait a minute. Is she the one that always comes to the Halloween party dressed like a hacksaw?
Tim: Hacksaw, yeah.
Jill: Little red-headed thing, about this big?
Tim: Yeah.
Jill: I can take her.
Tim: [laughs] Jill.
Jill: I've got 40 pounds on her. I'm gonna hunt her down.
Tim: Honey.
Jill: Hey! She messes with you, she messes with me.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Thank you very much. And welcome once again to Tool Time. I'm your host, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. You all know my assistant, Al "I'm Always Free on Saturday" Borland. Boy, am I revved up about today's show. We've got a killer project coming up. Not some wimpy project, but something every red-blooded kidney- stone-passing American male dreams of. [grunts]
Al: And what would that be, Tim?
Tim: See! Even Al's excited about this one. There is nothing like renovating a house top to bottom. Oh, yeah.
That's why this week, today we begin our project house. Oh, yeah. Out with the old, in with the new. Tear down the past, put up the future. One of my better ideas. I don't know how I keep thinking of this stuff, Al.
Al: Perhaps from watching Bob Vila every week...
Tim: Anyway, let's take a look at these. Here are some ideas that might give you ideas about putting your home back in shape. Here's your typical '30s Craftsman home. Oh, yeah, look at that. And here's after a crafty redo. Ohh... look at that. Here's your typical '50s bungalow. [grunts] Not so nice. Here's a beautiful remodel on that. Hey, yeah... And here's a little shack I found. And look what I did to it over the weekend without any help from Al. [sitar plays as Tim holds up a photograph of the Taj Mahal]

Quote from Tim

Al: Tim, this could be a little tricky, but once we demolish the kitchen counter in the project house, we'll have about three extra feet...
Tim: Al, Al, which tie do you like better? Red or blue?
Al: Are you listening to me? This is important. Now, I'm saying we got about...
Tim: Why am I my even asking you? You think flannel is hip.

Quote from Tim

Maureen Binford: You're so funny. You see, that's what I'm saying. We are a winning combo. And I know I can make our show better.
Tim: "Our" show?
Maureen Binford: Yeah. Like with the project house. You know, your patio idea is OK. But let's say we open it up.
Tim: Ah...
Maureen Binford: All right... We add a few French doors for light. Voila, we've got ourselves a breakfast nook.
Tim: Are you crazy? This is Tool Time. Men don't eat in a nook. You never ever hear 300-pound construction workers going, "Charlie, John, stop by the house. I just made fresh muffins. We'll eat it in the nook."
Al: Well, a muffin in a nook would be cozy.
Tim: Shut up, Al.
Tim: We already have all the materials bought for this project presently. You just can't change the blueprints on a whim.
Maureen Binford: Oh, now don't be such a gloomy Gus. It's never too late. Just think about it. Toodles.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Who the hell does she think she is, waltzing in here and trying to take over the show? I'm calling Binford. Once I tell him what I think on the phone, he'll fly back tonight.
Al: Tim, Tim... take another look at page 141... and 2.
Both: He's not coming back.

Quote from Randy

Randy: Mom, we're starving. Tell us where you hid the cookies.
Brad: Mom, come on. We're not having dinner for an hour.
Randy: What are you eating, Mom?
Jill: [swallows] Nothing.
Randy: Hey, that was a Hoop-Dee-Ho.
Jill: Was not.
Randy: Let me smell your breath.
Jill: Hey! There will be no breath smelling. You're so desperate for a snack, go get some raisins.
Randy: Right. Then we can have some salad and a multivitamin.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hey, Al. Good to see you. I want to get going in a hurry. I want to get to the project house before Maureen gets there.
Al: She's already there.
Tim: You're kidding.
Al: Well, when I drove by, she was showing the crew where the breakfast nook will be.
Tim: What? I told her no breakfast nook!
Al: I know. But I just think maybe you should give Mo a chance.
Tim: Mo? A little nickname now? What are you called? Aaa?

Quote from Tim

Tim: Well, Al, I'm your boss. I gotta keep a professional distance from you. All I'm saying is that... What the hell do you have on?
Al: Well, Mo says sometimes I tend to blend into the background.
Tim: You're supposed to blend into the background.
Al: Well, if you don't like the shirt, Tim, fine. I'm not forcing you to wear one.
Tim: Well, good, because now we won't be mistaken for the Beach Boys.

Quote from Tim

Maureen Binford: Oh, fine. This sun is really drying my skin out.
Al: You know, I have some moisturizer.
Tim: Shut up, Al!
Al: Is there anything I can do for you down here, Tim?
Tim: Yeah, why don't you get your ukulele? You can start the luau.

Quote from Tim

Maureen Binford: All right, everybody. Let's roll!
Tim: Hi. Welcome to Tool Time. As you can see, our 1955 ranch home needs a lot of work, especially the roof. Now, you wanna have a professional examine any weak or discolored areas like these, and make sure they're properly attended to. For now, we'll just hop over these to a safer area. [creak] It's a little weak here. You wanna avoid this area, too. Aah! [crash] [yells]

Quote from Tim

Jill: What's the matter with you? You're limping.
Tim: I fell through a roof.
Jill: What?
Tim: Yeah, right through the subfloor. Luckily the basement broke my fall.
Jill: Oh, honey, are you all right?
Tim: Yeah, my leg's OK. It's my life that's wrecked.
Jill: What do you mean?
Tim: Everything- Everything seems to be changing for me. You went to work. Wilson's taking a bath. Al looks like Don Ho.

Quote from Al

Maureen Binford: Excuse me. I don't mean to disturb you.
Al: You're Maureen, Mr. Binford's daughter, right?
Maureen Binford: Very good memory, Al.
Al: Oh, I couldn't forget you. At the Halloween party, you came dressed as a toggle switch.
Maureen Binford: Yeah, well... I went for different. I mean, how many years in a row can you show up as a hacksaw? [both chuckle]

Quote from Tim

Al: Tim, look who's here. It's Maureen Binford.
Tim: Hey, Maureen. Good to see you. How're you doing?
Maureen Binford: Tim, listen, I gotta tell you. Your show just keeps getting better and better.
Tim: Well, gee, thanks.
Maureen Binford: You're welcome. All that grunting and macho stuff. The audience really responds... even the women. Every time you screw up, they laugh. And believe me, they laugh a lot. [laughs] And then you have your expertise and your sex appeal with Al.
Tim: Maureen, what is it you need, besides glasses?

Quote from Tim

Maureen Binford: Actually, I was gonna ask you that since I'm your new producer.
Tim: Yeah... Whoa, back the truck up. Who made that decision?
Maureen Binford: Daddy.
Tim: Your dad would not make a decision like that without asking me, Maureen.
Maureen Binford: He's been a bit preoccupied lately.
Tim: With what?
Maureen Binford: With the 23-year-old tool model he just married.
Tim: Your dad got married?
Maureen Binford: To Miss Black & Decker. And believe me, I'd like to.

Quote from Al

Tim: Your dad bagged Terry Louise Gardner?
Maureen Binford: You know who she is?
Al: Oh, yeah. She's in the spring catalog - page 141.
Tim: And most of...
Both: 142, yeah.
Tim: Pretty amazing stuff.
Al: Well, we get the catalog. So we have to look through it, because of re... research.
Maureen Binford: I understand.
Tim: Well, you know, the tools come in...
Al: Well, yeah, the tools come in every day...

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