Jill: This is so weird, you know. I mean, I get to go to work and everything, but I don't get to be here when you kids get home from school. I keep thinking of that first day that I walked you to kindergarten, Brad. You know, you went up those stairs and turned around waved your little chubby hand and said, [feigns crying] "B'bye, Mommy."
Randy: "B'bye, Mommy."
Jill: Oh, come on. Stop, stop.

Tim: Come here. I'm gonna try to work this out, OK? Let's say you got this business. Uh, bubblegum factories. Somebody comes in and tries...
Mark: Do I have cherry bubblegum?
Tim: Oh, yeah, yeah. Probably racks of the best they have. Of course, a lot of that cherry bubblegum. Anyway, so...
Mark: Do I have baseball cards?
Tim: Yeah, you got baseball cards. You've got a little assistant with a little beard. Whatever you want. You got everything. Anyway, so... you got this bubblegum factory - cherry bubblegum and the baseball stuff - and this girl comes in, tries to run things. You know, you've been running it for quite a while and made a big success out of it. But this little red-headed little... you know, little nice little girl, she comes in and takes over. What do you do?
Mark: I tell Mommy.
Tim: But Mommy's not home, is she? [Mark shakes his head] And so the girl takes over your bubblegum factory. You know, it's just the way life is, Mark.

Brad: Dad, how come you didn't make your famous chocolate-chip pancakes?
Tim: Because I didn't have time to make 'em. Just eat your cereal, will ya?
Randy: Well, Mom usually slices up bananas. Why don't you?
Tim: Because I don't love you as much as Mom does.

Al: Mo has some very good ideas.
Tim: Oh, has Mo?
Al: Well, yes. You know, yesterday when we were having coffee together...
Tim: Having coffee together? Al, what has turned you against me all of a sudden? Haven't I always treated you like a brother?
Al: No.
Tim: A good friend.
Al: Good?

Tim: Hey, Wilson. What are you doing?
Wilson: I'm gathering herbs. A warm bath of eucalyptus and rosemary can be quite invigorating.
Tim: [grunts] Sounds very aromatic, yeah. I had a really bad day. Maybe I should try some of that.
Wilson: Darn good idea. Well, I'll see ya.
Tim: Hold it, Wilson. I gotta ask you something.
Wilson: Well, maybe we can do this tomorrow, Tim?
Tim: No, no. I need to ask you right now. It seems like everything in my life is up in the air.
Wilson: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Tim: Everything's changing.
Wilson: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Tim: Well, there's this woman that came into Tool Time. She's trying to take it over. And... Well, I've made Tool Time a success, you know, over three years. And I don't think it needs any change.
Wilson: Well, Tim... sometimes change... can be a good thing. Good night. [exits]

Jill: Well, who the hell does she think she is?
Tim: Maureen Binford.
Jill: Wait a minute. Is she the one that always comes to the Halloween party dressed like a hacksaw?
Tim: Hacksaw, yeah.
Jill: Little red-headed thing, about this big?
Tim: Yeah.
Jill: I can take her.
Tim: [laughs] Jill.
Jill: I've got 40 pounds on her. I'm gonna hunt her down.
Tim: Honey.
Jill: Hey! She messes with you, she messes with me.

Tim: Thank you very much. And welcome once again to Tool Time. I'm your host, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. You all know my assistant, Al "I'm Always Free on Saturday" Borland. Boy, am I revved up about today's show. We've got a killer project coming up. Not some wimpy project, but something every red-blooded kidney- stone-passing American male dreams of. [grunts]
Al: And what would that be, Tim?
Tim: See! Even Al's excited about this one. There is nothing like renovating a house top to bottom. Oh, yeah.
That's why this week, today we begin our project house. Oh, yeah. Out with the old, in with the new. Tear down the past, put up the future. One of my better ideas. I don't know how I keep thinking of this stuff, Al.
Al: Perhaps from watching Bob Vila every week...
Tim: Anyway, let's take a look at these. Here are some ideas that might give you ideas about putting your home back in shape. Here's your typical '30s Craftsman home. Oh, yeah, look at that. And here's after a crafty redo. Ohh... look at that. Here's your typical '50s bungalow. [grunts] Not so nice. Here's a beautiful remodel on that. Hey, yeah... And here's a little shack I found. And look what I did to it over the weekend without any help from Al. [sitar plays as Tim holds up a photograph of the Taj Mahal]

Al: Tim, this could be a little tricky, but once we demolish the kitchen counter in the project house, we'll have about three extra feet...
Tim: Al, Al, which tie do you like better? Red or blue?
Al: Are you listening to me? This is important. Now, I'm saying we got about...
Tim: Why am I my even asking you? You think flannel is hip.

Maureen Binford: You're so funny. You see, that's what I'm saying. We are a winning combo. And I know I can make our show better.
Tim: "Our" show?
Maureen Binford: Yeah. Like with the project house. You know, your patio idea is OK. But let's say we open it up.
Tim: Ah...
Maureen Binford: All right... We add a few French doors for light. Voila, we've got ourselves a breakfast nook.
Tim: Are you crazy? This is Tool Time. Men don't eat in a nook. You never ever hear 300-pound construction workers going, "Charlie, John, stop by the house. I just made fresh muffins. We'll eat it in the nook."
Al: Well, a muffin in a nook would be cozy.
Tim: Shut up, Al.
Tim: We already have all the materials bought for this project presently. You just can't change the blueprints on a whim.
Maureen Binford: Oh, now don't be such a gloomy Gus. It's never too late. Just think about it. Toodles.

Tim: Who the hell does she think she is, waltzing in here and trying to take over the show? I'm calling Binford. Once I tell him what I think on the phone, he'll fly back tonight.
Al: Tim, Tim... take another look at page 141... and 2.
Both: He's not coming back.