Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Young at Heart’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Young at Heart

817. Young at Heart

Aired February 16, 1999

Tim starts spending time with the young, female mechanic, Alex (Jenny McCarthy), who is fixing Brad's car.

Quote from Al

Tim: Welcome to our Tool Time salute...
Al: to the last manly sport. [cow moos]
Both: Rodeo.
Tim: I mean, what's more manly than eating your steak after you finish riding it?
Al: That's right. These cowboys are a dying breed. Rugged individuals who pay no mind to their overbearing mothers that won't let them live their own life. Maybe it's out on the range, maybe not, but let them live their own lives!
Tim: Al.
Al: Well, moseying right along...
Tim: "Moseying along"?

Rate

Quote from Jill

Jill: This new French restaurant opening up in Royal Oak. Maybe your father and I should go there for our anniversary.
Brad: How come you're not gonna go to your favorite place? The one where that waiter always insults him.
Jill: Brad, it's our anniversary. I'm getting a new waiter to insult your dad.
Mark: Never stop giving.
Jill: No. Plus, I hate that guy at Sorrentino's. Antonio. He's really rude. And he sounds like Dracula. "Good evening."

Quote from Brad

Brad: Check this out. I guess they got this new program where they put cameras at intersections and try to catch drivers who run red lights.
Mark: Whoa, cool angles! They can get the license plate from the back and the driver from the front.
Jill: Let me see that. Gosh! Nobody's gonna be able to pick their nose in the car anymore.
Brad: I think this is outrageous. I mean, it's a blatant invasion of privacy. It's another example of Big Brother taking control and infiltrating every aspect of our lives.
Jill: You just don't want to get a ticket.
Brad: Fricking right!

Quote from Jill

Tim: I got a lead on where we can take your Mustang to repair it.
Brad: Really?
Jill: I'm surprised you have time for mechanics considering what's coming up a week from Friday.
Tim: I know what a week from Friday is. It's our anniversary!
Jill: Our anniversary's a week from Thursday.
Tim: What's a week from Friday?
Jill: Nothing.
Tim & Brad: She's good.

Quote from Tim

Alex: But, hey, I gotta tell ya, I'm a huge Tool Time fan.
Tim: Really?
Alex: Yeah, man. I just really love the show.
Tim: What's your favorite episode?
Alex: [o.s.] Um, definitely the one where you fell through that port-a-potty.
Tim: Yeah, the ladies go nuts over that one, you know? It's the first time I did my own stunt, you know? Anything for the audience. Whoo. Did that stink in there!

Quote from Marty

Jill: Look. I want you to see what I got Tim for our anniversary present.
Marty: Wow! An old Hamilton.
Jill: Yeah. You know, he's always talking about the one that your dad wore.
Marty: Oh, yeah. Mom gave it to Jeff, and he broke it. Then he gave it to me, and I broke it. Then Tim wanted it, and Mom confiscated it before he could come near it.
Jill: Smart lady.

Quote from Tim

Jill: It's a ticket that you got while joy-riding with your quote "mechanic."
Tim: This is ridiculous. It was a slow yellow. The brakes are bad. How can I get a ticket for this?
Jill: Will you forget about the ticket? Who is the woman? And why is your hand on her breast?
Tim: This is my mechanic, Alex. My hand is not on her breast. It's guarding it.
Jill: What?
Antonio: And may I say what a fine job it's doing.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Antonio?
Antonio: Good evening.
Jill: What are you doing at this restaurant?
Antonio: My previous employer grew weary of defending me in the lawsuits. Can I get you something to drink?
Tim: Yes, you can. A very good bottle of champagne. We're celebrating our anniversary.
Antonio: [chuckles] Champagne on an anniversary. How original!

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Wilson, what are you doing? Planting snow peas?
Wilson: [chuckles] No, no, no, no, no, Tim. Did you realize that in Thailand they sprinkle lemon grass on their lawn to ward off a raging storm?
Tim: What do they sprinkle on the lawn to ward off a raging wife?
Wilson: Jewelry.

Quote from Tim

Wilson: Well, I'm very sorry, Tim. I'm just asking if your mechanic was a man, would you have spent all that time over at the garage?
Tim: What does that have to do with anything?
Wilson: Well, maybe you withheld information from Jill because actually you are attracted to Alex.
Tim: No, no, no. No. Maybe. Who hasn't fantasized about dating an arc welder? [quietly] I am attracted to her. It's horrible.
Wilson: No, it's not horrible as long as you don't act on it.
Tim: Yeah, it is. Well, I would never act on it.
Wilson: You want to be sure not to put yourself in a situation where you could be tempted.
Tim: You know, I'm the kind of guy that doesn't like playing with fire... unless it's on Tool Time.
Wilson: And we've all seen what happens there.

Quote from Tim

Jill: You know, this stuff just... It happens. It just... It's okay. I just... I wish you hadn't done it on our anniversary.
Tim: I wish I hadn't done it at all. You know, because this is the woman I like spending time with, you know? Do you remember the first time I told you I loved you?
Jill: When was that?
Tim: I don't remember, I was hoping you did.
Jill: Oh, Tim.
Tim: I'm kidding. Nineteen years ago. Do you remember? The front porch of your parents' house. That summer place they had. Sitting out there, summertime. Your old man comes crashing out of that screen door with a saber. Chases me off the porch. What's the matter with him, anyway? I never thought I would see you again that night.
Jill: You just did it.
Tim: Now what did I do?
Jill: You just looked at me the way I wanted you to look at me last night.

Quote from Tim

Al: Auburn Hills, Michigan is hosting the Longhorn World Championship Rodeo this week.
Tim: All right. We called the little practice arena today. And we've got a championship roper today to show you some little tricks. Heidi, bring him on out. Where's the rest of you? They were gonna send us a real cowboy, weren't they?
Ty: I am a real cowboy, sir. My name is Ty Cisco. And I'm a junior champion team roper.
Al: Well, it's nice to meet you, champ.
Ty: It's great to be here, sir.
Al: You know, when I was your age, I could've been a cowboy. Golly gee! Riding the rodeo circuit. That must be an exciting life.
Ty: Yeah, it's pretty neat. But I also like school and messing around with my hunting dog, Wiley.
Tim: "My hunting dog, Wiley." Look, Billy Bob, you got me in a bind here, you know? I promised the audience some rodeo action. Can you do anything with that little jump rope of yours?
Ty: Yeah. I can show you a trick or two.
Tim: Okay, then.
Al: Yippi-ti-yi-yo!

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hey, buddy. How's it hanging?
Alex: I hope you're referring to my work light.
Tim: I am sorry. I thought you were a guy.
Alex: If I am, I have a lot of unnecessary cramps.
Tim: Yeah. I read about this place in Mustang Monthly, and I'm looking for Alex, the Saleen Mustang specialist.
Alex: I'm Alex, the Saleen Mustang specialist.
Tim: So, you'd be working on my kid's car?
Alex: Look, how I fix cars has nothing to do with the kind of underwear I wear, does it?
Tim: No! Of course not! Wouldn't matter if you didn't wear any underwear.

Quote from Tim

Tim: It's a beautiful Shelby.
Alex: Yup, '66 GT 350H.
Tim: They only made 1,500 of these.
Alex: Actually, a thousand. Nine hundred automatics and 100 four-speeds.
Tim: Quarter-mile time?
Alex: 15-point-two seconds at 92 miles per hour.
Tim: Pretty sweet deal considering the original purchase price was...
Alex: Thirty-five forty-seven. Are you done testing me?
Tim: Almost. Who was the last actor to join The Three Stooges?
Alex: Curly-Joe DeRita, but he's no Shemp.

Quote from Tim

Tim: How long have you been a mechanic?
Alex: [o.s.] Since I was two and I souped up my own stroller. [walks out] Okay. Ready.
Tim: Wow! Wow! Ooh. I mean, imagine that! You know? Souping up your own stroller!
Alex: Nice save. Let's go take a look at the car.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Now, eventually, Brad and I are gonna do some performance modifications, but right now I've got some problems with the transmission.
Alex: Like what?
Tim: Well, there's this grinding noise coming out of it, and I thought it was the shift fork. Turns out that's not what it is.
Alex: Maybe it's the syncros.
Tim: Yeah. How do you know so much about cars?
Alex: You grow up with four brothers, you pick up all kinds of guy stuff.
Tim: Four brothers? I have four brothers.
Alex: No way!
Tim: Yeah!
Alex: Yeah, mine taught me how to burp the alphabet.
Tim: [grunts] Oh, a woman of letters! [grunts]
Alex: Yeah, they taught me all about cars and tools. It was great. One summer they even got me a job as an arc welder.
Tim: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! A woman arc welder? Don't toy with me.

Quote from Tim

Alex: Hey, why don't you downshift, so I can hear that noise you're talking about?
Tim: Okay. That should be... There you go. Listen.
Alex: Yeah, it's the syncros. I have the same problem with my Fairlane Thunderbolt.
Tim: A Fairlane Thunderbolt with the big 427?
Alex: Yeah. And the glass hood scoop.
Tim: I gotta take a look at this car.
Alex: Tim, red light!
[As the car brakes to a halt, Tim holds his arm out across Alex's chest]
Tim: Ooh. That's a reflex from having three kids.
Alex: I'm not a kid.
Tim: I'm well aware of that.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Look, look. This is what I got Dad for our anniversary present.
Brad: You stole Grandma's watch?
Jill: Yes, Brad, I did. I mugged her outside the Social Security office.
[A bewildered Brad walks away]

Quote from Jill

Marty: He's working on the car again?
Jill: Yeah. He's been working with that mechanic every night this week.
Marty: Wow! He's usually so critical of his car guys. Alex has gotta be a hot mechanic.
Jill: Oh, yeah, yeah. He loves this one. I wouldn't be surprised if he spent the night at the garage.

Quote from Brad

Brad & Mark: Happy anniversary!
Jill: Oh, they are so beautiful. You guys... Wait, what do you want?
Brad: Simply that you keep that in mind the next time we screw up.
Jill: Okay.

Page 2 
 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode