Tim: Welcome to our Tool Time salute...
Al: to the last manly sport. [cow moos]
Both: Rodeo.
Tim: I mean, what's more manly than eating your steak after you finish riding it?
Al: That's right. These cowboys are a dying breed. Rugged individuals who pay no mind to their overbearing mothers that won't let them live their own life. Maybe it's out on the range, maybe not, but let them live their own lives!
Tim: Al.
Al: Well, moseying right along...
Tim: "Moseying along"?

Jill: This new French restaurant opening up in Royal Oak. Maybe your father and I should go there for our anniversary.
Brad: How come you're not gonna go to your favorite place? The one where that waiter always insults him.
Jill: Brad, it's our anniversary. I'm getting a new waiter to insult your dad.
Mark: Never stop giving.
Jill: No. Plus, I hate that guy at Sorrentino's. Antonio. He's really rude. And he sounds like Dracula. "Good evening."

Brad: Check this out. I guess they got this new program where they put cameras at intersections and try to catch drivers who run red lights.
Mark: Whoa, cool angles! They can get the license plate from the back and the driver from the front.
Jill: Let me see that. Gosh! Nobody's gonna be able to pick their nose in the car anymore.
Brad: I think this is outrageous. I mean, it's a blatant invasion of privacy. It's another example of Big Brother taking control and infiltrating every aspect of our lives.
Jill: You just don't want to get a ticket.
Brad: Fricking right!

Tim: I got a lead on where we can take your Mustang to repair it.
Brad: Really?
Jill: I'm surprised you have time for mechanics considering what's coming up a week from Friday.
Tim: I know what a week from Friday is. It's our anniversary!
Jill: Our anniversary's a week from Thursday.
Tim: What's a week from Friday?
Jill: Nothing.
Tim & Brad: She's good.

Alex: But, hey, I gotta tell ya, I'm a huge Tool Time fan.
Tim: Really?
Alex: Yeah, man. I just really love the show.
Tim: What's your favorite episode?
Alex: [o.s.] Um, definitely the one where you fell through that port-a-potty.
Tim: Yeah, the ladies go nuts over that one, you know? It's the first time I did my own stunt, you know? Anything for the audience. Whoo. Did that stink in there!

Jill: Look. I want you to see what I got Tim for our anniversary present.
Marty: Wow! An old Hamilton.
Jill: Yeah. You know, he's always talking about the one that your dad wore.
Marty: Oh, yeah. Mom gave it to Jeff, and he broke it. Then he gave it to me, and I broke it. Then Tim wanted it, and Mom confiscated it before he could come near it.
Jill: Smart lady.

Jill: It's a ticket that you got while joy-riding with your quote "mechanic."
Tim: This is ridiculous. It was a slow yellow. The brakes are bad. How can I get a ticket for this?
Jill: Will you forget about the ticket? Who is the woman? And why is your hand on her breast?
Tim: This is my mechanic, Alex. My hand is not on her breast. It's guarding it.
Jill: What?
Antonio: And may I say what a fine job it's doing.

Tim: Antonio?
Antonio: Good evening.
Jill: What are you doing at this restaurant?
Antonio: My previous employer grew weary of defending me in the lawsuits. Can I get you something to drink?
Tim: Yes, you can. A very good bottle of champagne. We're celebrating our anniversary.
Antonio: [chuckles] Champagne on an anniversary. How original!

Tim: Wilson, what are you doing? Planting snow peas?
Wilson: [chuckles] No, no, no, no, no, Tim. Did you realize that in Thailand they sprinkle lemon grass on their lawn to ward off a raging storm?
Tim: What do they sprinkle on the lawn to ward off a raging wife?
Wilson: Jewelry.

Wilson: Well, I'm very sorry, Tim. I'm just asking if your mechanic was a man, would you have spent all that time over at the garage?
Tim: What does that have to do with anything?
Wilson: Well, maybe you withheld information from Jill because actually you are attracted to Alex.
Tim: No, no, no. No. Maybe. Who hasn't fantasized about dating an arc welder? [quietly] I am attracted to her. It's horrible.
Wilson: No, it's not horrible as long as you don't act on it.
Tim: Yeah, it is. Well, I would never act on it.
Wilson: You want to be sure not to put yourself in a situation where you could be tempted.
Tim: You know, I'm the kind of guy that doesn't like playing with fire... unless it's on Tool Time.
Wilson: And we've all seen what happens there.