Tim: You don't understand. You do not understand. Al is like a dependable four-door Rambler and Heidi like a twelve-cylinder Ferrari. They don't belong in the same garage. And yet she parked overnight there.
Jill: Nothing happened!
Tim: But I won't rest until I find out what's going on.
Jill: Oh, Tim. Look, even if they were parked in the same garage, you are not their mechanic. You're just being petty.
Tim: Oh, I'm being petty?
Jill: Yeah. Why should you be the only one with an incredibly desirable woman? [blows nose]

Wilson: Tim, it's not easy to change one's perceptions of things. But it can be very healthy. Some people might even say it's a growth experience.
Tim: OK, Wilson. But how far does this go? I mean, how do I really know you are who I think you are?
Wilson: Well, how do I know you're who I think you are?
Tim: How do I know you're the one who said that?
Wilson: How do I know you heard what I said?
Tim: How do I know you're here really?
Wilson: Who else would have the time to come out and listen to this silly conversation?

Tim: No, no. If what you say is true then everything I believe is false.
Wilson: Now, Tim. That's not necessarily.
Tim: Let me go with this for a minute. Let me go. OK? This means that maybe cars aren't the most important thing in the world.
Wilson: Ohh...
Tim: No, wait a minute. Opera's more manly than football?
Wilson: Neighbor...
Tim: Al's mother is thin?

Heidi: Well, actually, Scott and I have separated. He moved out a couple weeks ago.
Al: Heidi, I'm so sorry. Why didn't you say something about this before?
Heidi: Because I didn't want to bring my personal problems to work.
Tim: Why not?
Heidi: Because you said, "Don't ever bring your personal problems to work."
Tim: Since when do you listen to me?
Heidi: Since you said, "I had better start listening to you."

Tim: She doesn't need food. She needs a shoulder to cry on, OK?
Al: Well, I'm not exactly an expert on relationships, Tim.
Tim: But you're a good friend and you're a good listener. Come on, do it for Heidi. Do it for the show.
Al: For the show?
Tim: If she's too upset to come back to work, you're gonna have to squeeze into one of those tight skirts.

Tim: There's nothing wrong with being curious about Al & Heidi.
Jill: You are not curious; you're obsessed.
Tim: I'm not obsessed.
Jill: Last night you cried out their names in your sleep.
Tim: And after that I just cried. It's torture having this image filling up my brain.
Jill: Especially with space at such a premium.

Tim: Hi. And welcome back to our Tool Time salute... [swish] [crowd noises] [plop in water sound]
Tim & Al: ...to golf.
Tim: Well, let's get right to it. We have a very special guest for you.
Al: That's right. He's number eight in all-time earnings on the PGA tour.
Tim: He's in town at the Golf Expo at Cobo Hall. Let's give a warm Tool Time welcome to Payne Stewart. Well, thanks for making time to be on the show. You know... You'd think with the kind of cash you're pulling down, you could afford the rest of those trousers.
Payne Stewart: Tim, when you're in the public eye, you have to have a trademark. With me, it's knickers. With you, it's burns and abrasions.

Al: Well, Mr. Stewart, first things first. How does one go about choosing the right driver?
Payne Stewart: Well, it depends on your ability.
Al: OK.
Payne Stewart: All right, now, what's your handicap, Al?
Al: Tim. Actually, it's 16.
Payne Stewart: Then along with a few lessons, you'll want a driver like this. With an expanded sweet spot.
Al: All right.
Payne Stewart: Tim, what's your handicap?
Tim: Payne, Payne, Payne, Payne, Payne. What's a handicap? I think golf is more of a Zen-like, jujitsu type of thing.
Al: His handicap is 35.

Al: Now, the way that this machine works is there are sensors in the pad which measure the velocity and the striking angle of the club. The vector and the velocity is then measured...
Tim: Al, shut up and shoot the thing, will you? [scoffs] Vector velocities.
[When Al takes his shot, it lands in the lake]
Computer: [v.o.] [plop in water sound] Ninety-five yards. Nice shot, miss.
Tim: All right, Payne. Let's see what you got. See what we can come up with here.
Computer: [v.o.] Two hundred-ninety-one yards. Nice drive.
Al: Wow. That was a great drive. Well, I guess this contest is over.

Al: And what would this be?
Payne Stewart: I know what this is. This is a special driver designed for senior citizens to get more distance. They don't even have to swing it because it's got 25 caliber charge in it.
Tim: Not anymore. I bored it out to a 44 magnum.
Payne Stewart: That's cheating.
Al: Welcome to my world.
Tim: Stand back, guys. All right. Fire in the hole.
[Theme from 2001: A Space Odyssey plays as Tim's ball lands on the moon]
Computer: [o.s.] You the man.