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‘Futile Attraction’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Futile Attraction

718. Futile Attraction

Aired March 10, 1998

When Al comforts Heidi after she has marital troubles, Tim becomes obsessed with the idea they might be seeing each other.

Quote from Tim

Tim: You don't understand. You do not understand. Al is like a dependable four-door Rambler and Heidi like a twelve-cylinder Ferrari. They don't belong in the same garage. And yet she parked overnight there.
Jill: Nothing happened!
Tim: But I won't rest until I find out what's going on.
Jill: Oh, Tim. Look, even if they were parked in the same garage, you are not their mechanic. You're just being petty.
Tim: Oh, I'm being petty?
Jill: Yeah. Why should you be the only one with an incredibly desirable woman? [blows nose]

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Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Tim, it's not easy to change one's perceptions of things. But it can be very healthy. Some people might even say it's a growth experience.
Tim: OK, Wilson. But how far does this go? I mean, how do I really know you are who I think you are?
Wilson: Well, how do I know you're who I think you are?
Tim: How do I know you're the one who said that?
Wilson: How do I know you heard what I said?
Tim: How do I know you're here really?
Wilson: Who else would have the time to come out and listen to this silly conversation?

Quote from Tim

Tim: No, no. If what you say is true then everything I believe is false.
Wilson: Now, Tim. That's not necessarily.
Tim: Let me go with this for a minute. Let me go. OK? This means that maybe cars aren't the most important thing in the world.
Wilson: Ohh...
Tim: No, wait a minute. Opera's more manly than football?
Wilson: Neighbor...
Tim: Al's mother is thin?

Quote from Heidi

Heidi: Well, actually, Scott and I have separated. He moved out a couple weeks ago.
Al: Heidi, I'm so sorry. Why didn't you say something about this before?
Heidi: Because I didn't want to bring my personal problems to work.
Tim: Why not?
Heidi: Because you said, "Don't ever bring your personal problems to work."
Tim: Since when do you listen to me?
Heidi: Since you said, "I had better start listening to you."

Quote from Tim

Tim: She doesn't need food. She needs a shoulder to cry on, OK?
Al: Well, I'm not exactly an expert on relationships, Tim.
Tim: But you're a good friend and you're a good listener. Come on, do it for Heidi. Do it for the show.
Al: For the show?
Tim: If she's too upset to come back to work, you're gonna have to squeeze into one of those tight skirts.

Quote from Jill

Tim: There's nothing wrong with being curious about Al & Heidi.
Jill: You are not curious; you're obsessed.
Tim: I'm not obsessed.
Jill: Last night you cried out their names in your sleep.
Tim: And after that I just cried. It's torture having this image filling up my brain.
Jill: Especially with space at such a premium.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hi. And welcome back to our Tool Time salute... [swish] [crowd noises] [plop in water sound]
Tim & Al: ...to golf.
Tim: Well, let's get right to it. We have a very special guest for you.
Al: That's right. He's number eight in all-time earnings on the PGA tour.
Tim: He's in town at the Golf Expo at Cobo Hall. Let's give a warm Tool Time welcome to Payne Stewart. Well, thanks for making time to be on the show. You know... You'd think with the kind of cash you're pulling down, you could afford the rest of those trousers.
Payne Stewart: Tim, when you're in the public eye, you have to have a trademark. With me, it's knickers. With you, it's burns and abrasions.

Quote from Al

Al: Well, Mr. Stewart, first things first. How does one go about choosing the right driver?
Payne Stewart: Well, it depends on your ability.
Al: OK.
Payne Stewart: All right, now, what's your handicap, Al?
Al: Tim. Actually, it's 16.
Payne Stewart: Then along with a few lessons, you'll want a driver like this. With an expanded sweet spot.
Al: All right.
Payne Stewart: Tim, what's your handicap?
Tim: Payne, Payne, Payne, Payne, Payne. What's a handicap? I think golf is more of a Zen-like, jujitsu type of thing.
Al: His handicap is 35.

Quote from Al

Al: Now, the way that this machine works is there are sensors in the pad which measure the velocity and the striking angle of the club. The vector and the velocity is then measured...
Tim: Al, shut up and shoot the thing, will you? [scoffs] Vector velocities.
[When Al takes his shot, it lands in the lake]
Computer: [v.o.] [plop in water sound] Ninety-five yards. Nice shot, miss.
Tim: All right, Payne. Let's see what you got. See what we can come up with here.
Computer: [v.o.] Two hundred-ninety-one yards. Nice drive.
Al: Wow. That was a great drive. Well, I guess this contest is over.

Quote from Tim

Al: And what would this be?
Payne Stewart: I know what this is. This is a special driver designed for senior citizens to get more distance. They don't even have to swing it because it's got 25 caliber charge in it.
Tim: Not anymore. I bored it out to a 44 magnum.
Payne Stewart: That's cheating.
Al: Welcome to my world.
Tim: Stand back, guys. All right. Fire in the hole.
[Theme from 2001: A Space Odyssey plays as Tim's ball lands on the moon]
Computer: [o.s.] You the man.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Help is on the way. Look what I got. Ibuprofen. I got antihistamines. I got decongestants, analgesics. I got daytime decongestant. I've got nighttime decongestant. You take two of everything here and that flu'll be out of your system in an hour.
Jill: If I take two of everything here, I'll be dead in an hour.
Tim: Think it'll take the whole hour?

Quote from Tim

Tim: She and Scott are separated.
Jill: Oh, my God. That's terrible.
Tim: Apparently, it hasn't been good for quite a while.
Jill: Oh, no. I have to call her. She probably wants a woman to talk to.
Tim: It's all taken care of. She's having dinner with Al.

Quote from Heidi

Heidi: Does everybody know what time it is?
Audience: Tool Time!
Heidi: That's right. Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor and Al "The most sensitive guy in the world" Borland! Woo-hoo!

Quote from Tim

Tim: Wait a minute. Hold on. Something's different. Let me guess. Let me guess. You did something with your hair, didn't you?
Jill: It's a sinus mask. OK? But if it doesn't work, it's totally returnable.
Tim: I'd love to be the second owner of that thing. Before you waste any more money on this stuff, Al's got a whole bunch of homoerotic remedies.

Quote from Heidi

Heidi: Stay in the shower, Al. I got it. [answers phone] Good morning. Borland residence.
Tim: [goofy voice] Uh, wrong number. Bye-bye.
Al: [o.s.] Who was it?
Heidi: It sounded like one of the Muppets.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Oh, God. Oh, God. I've got this image of Al and Heidi. Get out of my head! Get out of my head!
Jill: Heidi did not sleep with Al. First of all, she's a married woman.
Tim: And second of all, she, she wouldn't go for a guy like Al. Her husband is tall and handsome. I mean, he spends more time at the gym than Al does at Hickory Farms.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Honey, I'm not saying that it happened. But I could understand how a woman like Heidi could fall for a guy like Al.
Tim: In what universe?
Jill: Women like Heidi have had the gorgeous hunks. The second time around, they want somebody less exciting, more dependable. Me... I went for number two first.

Quote from Tim

Al: Hey! How are you doing, buddy?
Tim: Good. You know, I, uh, called your house this morning and Heidi answered the phone.
Al: So, you're Kermit?
Tim: [as Kermit the Frog] Maybe.

Quote from Randy

Randy: There's 40 bucks well spent.
Jill: Hey, this happens to be the world's best tissue disposer. It shreds, decontaminates, and deodorizes.
Randy: I wonder if it would work on your meatloaf.

Quote from Tim

Wilson: What Al told me is in the strictest confidence.
Tim: Well, you know, Wilson... I could get you a riding mower from Binford. Sixteen-horse rear-bagger for cost plus ten.
Wilson: Sorry, neighbor. I can't be bought.
Tim: Why would Al tell you and not me?
Wilson: Well, maybe because I didn't search his locker for long brown hairs.
Tim: Which, according to the lab, either belonged to a collie or Al's mother.

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