821. A Hardware Habit to Break
Aired March 23, 1999
After Harry announces he's selling the hardware store so he and Delores can move to Arizona, Tim tries to find a buyer who will keep the store running.
Quote from Benny
Tim: Oh. Sorry. Phew. Where was I? I thought for a minute I heard you say you were selling the hardware store.
Benny: He is. I've been totally useless ever since I heard the news.
Marty: And for 40 years before that.
Quote from Harry
Tim: Harry, why all of a sudden?
Tim: Oh, her asthma's acting up again?
Harry: Oh, yeah. She wants to move to a warmer climate.
Benny: Yeah. They're moving to Tucson. That's in Arizona.
Harry: Tucson is Plan A. Plan B is we stop at a gas station, she goes in to powder her nose, and I burn rubber for Vegas.
Al: You can't just leave your wife in the middle of nowhere.
Harry: If we're meant to be together, she'll find me.
Quote from Tim
Marty: Wilson, we're not making any money. What did Harry have that we don't?
Wilson: Well, people trusted Harry. He was the kind of guy who stood behind everything he sold. He'd do anything for a customer.
Tim: I'm that kind of guy.
Wilson: Well, I know that, Tim. But I'm not sure everybody else does.
Tim: Then, Marty, we gotta get the word out.
Marty: I know! We can print up flyers! Then we can get on our bikes and we can plaster them all over the neighborhood!
Tim: Yippie-yi-yo-ki-yay! Marty! Yeah! And then... Wait a minute... We'll sell lemonade in the driveway! And put cards in our spokes that go like this! We'll have big lollipops! And then we'll have a puppet show for all the rest of the kids in the neighborhood! What the hell's the matter with you?
Quote from Heidi
Heidi: Does everybody know what time it is?
Audience: Tool Time!
Heidi: That's right. Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! [theme music plays] Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! [theme music plays] Tim? Al? Where are you guys?
Tim: [on the phone] At Harry's hot line, we'd recommend some oil or grease on that.
Al: [on the phone] Well, how'd you get it in there?
Quote from Marty
Tim: Harry, have you had anybody put a bid in on it or anything like that?
Harry: Yeah. A nail salon.
Tim: A nail salon? This is the work of Satan.
Marty: I can't believe it! Our store is being turned over to a bunch of women who sit on their cans and yak all day! [they guys all look around and then stand up]
Quote from Al
Tim: This could be a great opportunity. Listen to me. You could buy the place. Get a bank loan. I'll co-sign for you.
Al: It's not just the money. There's a lot of things going on in my life right now.
Tim: Like what? Promoted to head bingo caller?
Al: I wish! No. The fact is that Trudy and I are getting pretty serious. And there might be some major expenses coming up in my life. Don't tell anyone! You know, even Jill. But I'm thinking of making her the next Mrs. Borland.
Tim: You want her to be your mother? I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
Quote from Harry
Tim: No. I'm here to try to save a small business.
Al: Ladies and gentlemen, Harry's Hardware is going out of business.
Sparky: Oh, no. When did that happen?
Harry: I've been taken over by a nail salon and forced to live in the desert with my wife.
Sparky: Oh, no!
Quote from Al
Marty: Well, you got a rich girlfriend.
Al: I can't ask Trudy. I mean, if I let her buy the hardware store for me, I'd feel like I was taking money for sexual favors.
Marty: Wow, I didn't realize Harry's retirement could send you spiraling into a life of prostitution.
Quote from Brad
Mark: Why do you have a brochure for a motel in Florida?
Brad: 'Cause a bunch of kids and I are going down there for spring break. It's gonna be a week with no parents, no chaperones and no tops in the Jacuzzi.
Mark: And how did you get Mom and Dad to agree to this?
Brad: Well, that's one detail I haven't quite figured out. But I've got a plan.
Jill: [enters] Hi, guys. How's it going?
Brad: You know, it's interesting you should ask, Mom. While many young Americans are busy frittering away their lives with sex and drugs, I have remained dedicated to my studies and athletic pursuits.
Jill: You're not going to Florida on spring break.
Brad: How does she know these things?
Jill: Your travel agent called.
Brad: Oh, man!
Quote from Tim
Tim: What's awful is now I have to buy all my hardware at one of those big chain stores.
Jill: Or you could be happy with the tools you have.
Tim: Fat chance of that. This is a disturbing trend, though. This signals the demise of American small business.
Jill: I know. My favorite book store was bought out by one of those big chains. Now it's so sterile when you go there. I used to love to just be there for hours and browse.
Tim: Well, maybe if you'd bought something, they wouldn't be going out of business.
Jill: Well, there's got to be someone who'd be interested in taking it over. [off Tim's look] Other than you.
Tim: Give me one reason why I shouldn't buy the hardware store.
Jill: We have three kids who have to go to college.
Tim: I said one reason.