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‘A Hardware Habit to Break’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Home Improvement: A Hardware Habit to Break

821. A Hardware Habit to Break

Aired March 23, 1999

After Harry announces he's selling the hardware store so he and Delores can move to Arizona, Tim tries to find a buyer who will keep the store running.

Quote from Benny

Tim: Oh. Sorry. Phew. Where was I? I thought for a minute I heard you say you were selling the hardware store.
Benny: He is. I've been totally useless ever since I heard the news.
Marty: And for 40 years before that.

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Quote from Harry

Tim: Harry, why all of a sudden?
Harry: Delores.
Tim: Oh, her asthma's acting up again?
Harry: Oh, yeah. She wants to move to a warmer climate.
Benny: Yeah. They're moving to Tucson. That's in Arizona.
Harry: Tucson is Plan A. Plan B is we stop at a gas station, she goes in to powder her nose, and I burn rubber for Vegas.
Al: You can't just leave your wife in the middle of nowhere.
Harry: If we're meant to be together, she'll find me.

Quote from Tim

Marty: Wilson, we're not making any money. What did Harry have that we don't?
Wilson: Well, people trusted Harry. He was the kind of guy who stood behind everything he sold. He'd do anything for a customer.
Tim: I'm that kind of guy.
Wilson: Well, I know that, Tim. But I'm not sure everybody else does.
Tim: Then, Marty, we gotta get the word out.
Marty: I know! We can print up flyers! Then we can get on our bikes and we can plaster them all over the neighborhood!
Tim: Yippie-yi-yo-ki-yay! Marty! Yeah! And then... Wait a minute... We'll sell lemonade in the driveway! And put cards in our spokes that go like this! We'll have big lollipops! And then we'll have a puppet show for all the rest of the kids in the neighborhood! What the hell's the matter with you?

Quote from Heidi

Heidi: Does everybody know what time it is?
Audience: Tool Time!
Heidi: That's right. Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! [theme music plays] Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! [theme music plays] Tim? Al? Where are you guys?
Tim: [on the phone] At Harry's hot line, we'd recommend some oil or grease on that.
Al: [on the phone] Well, how'd you get it in there?
Heidi: Tim!

Quote from Marty

Tim: Harry, have you had anybody put a bid in on it or anything like that?
Harry: Yeah. A nail salon.
Tim: A nail salon? This is the work of Satan.
Marty: I can't believe it! Our store is being turned over to a bunch of women who sit on their cans and yak all day! [they guys all look around and then stand up]

Quote from Al

Tim: This could be a great opportunity. Listen to me. You could buy the place. Get a bank loan. I'll co-sign for you.
Al: It's not just the money. There's a lot of things going on in my life right now.
Tim: Like what? Promoted to head bingo caller?
Al: I wish! No. The fact is that Trudy and I are getting pretty serious. And there might be some major expenses coming up in my life. Don't tell anyone! You know, even Jill. But I'm thinking of making her the next Mrs. Borland.
Tim: You want her to be your mother? I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Quote from Harry

Tim: No. I'm here to try to save a small business.
Al: Ladies and gentlemen, Harry's Hardware is going out of business.
Sparky: Oh, no. When did that happen?
Harry: I've been taken over by a nail salon and forced to live in the desert with my wife.
Sparky: Oh, no!

Quote from Al

Marty: Well, you got a rich girlfriend.
Tim: Trudy!
Al: I can't ask Trudy. I mean, if I let her buy the hardware store for me, I'd feel like I was taking money for sexual favors.
Marty: Wow, I didn't realize Harry's retirement could send you spiraling into a life of prostitution.

Quote from Brad

Mark: Why do you have a brochure for a motel in Florida?
Brad: 'Cause a bunch of kids and I are going down there for spring break. It's gonna be a week with no parents, no chaperones and no tops in the Jacuzzi.
Mark: And how did you get Mom and Dad to agree to this?
Brad: Well, that's one detail I haven't quite figured out. But I've got a plan.
Jill: [enters] Hi, guys. How's it going?
Brad: You know, it's interesting you should ask, Mom. While many young Americans are busy frittering away their lives with sex and drugs, I have remained dedicated to my studies and athletic pursuits.
Jill: You're not going to Florida on spring break.
Brad: How does she know these things?
Jill: Your travel agent called.
Brad: Oh, man!

Quote from Tim

Tim: What's awful is now I have to buy all my hardware at one of those big chain stores.
Jill: Or you could be happy with the tools you have.
Tim: Fat chance of that. This is a disturbing trend, though. This signals the demise of American small business.
Jill: I know. My favorite book store was bought out by one of those big chains. Now it's so sterile when you go there. I used to love to just be there for hours and browse.
Tim: Well, maybe if you'd bought something, they wouldn't be going out of business.
Jill: Well, there's got to be someone who'd be interested in taking it over. [off Tim's look] Other than you.
Tim: Give me one reason why I shouldn't buy the hardware store.
Jill: We have three kids who have to go to college.
Tim: I said one reason.

Quote from Harry

Jill: Delores, we're really gonna miss you.
Al: Yes, we are.
Delores: I've ignored my asthma for years. It just keeps getting worse and worse.
[When she sees Harry smoking a cigar, Delores grabs it and puts it out in a beer bottle]
Harry: Oh, I forgot. Cigar smoke bothers you. [pulls out another cigar]
Delores: You light that, Harry, you're sleeping alone tonight. [Harry lights the cigar]

Quote from Harry

Jill: We have talked about this already. There's no way that you can buy a business.
Tim: We don't know that. I don't even know what I paid for the place. Harry, what did I pay for the place?
Harry: Eighty thousand dollars.
Jill: Eighty thousand dollars?
Delores: The nail salon talked you down to 70.
Harry: Oh, yeah.

Quote from Delores

Delores: Look, why don't you guys talk it over while I feed Harry something fatty and salty?

Quote from Benny

Marty: I don't know how Harry does it. I mean, it's impossible to move merchandise at these prices.
Benny: I have a theory.
Marty: Let me guess. Harry had a better selection of donuts.
Benny: Yes. But that's not my point.
Tim: What is your point, Benny?
Benny: Well, people had a long-standing relationship with Harry, so they were willing to pay more. Once Harry left, people didn't have to feel guilty about switching to Tool Mart.
Tim: I never thought I'd say this. Benny's right.
Benny: I know I'm right. I bought a faucet at Tool Mart this morning. Saved myself a bundle.

Quote from Al

Tim: We did that to prove a point.
Al: That in the wrong hands, even water is flammable.
Heidi: That's right. And we'll be right back after these important commercial messages. [theme music plays]
Tim: Hi, I'm Tim Taylor. You probably know me from Tool Time. What you probably don't know is I'm now the proud new owner of Harry's Hardware.
Al: [clears throat] Tim, aren't you forgetting something?
Tim: Yes. And Al is my silent partner. Show them how that works.

Quote from Heidi

Al: Well, in the past, Harry's Hardware has been known for its personal service.
Heidi: That's true. Every time I shop there, people drop whatever they're doing to help me. Even the ones that don't work there.

Quote from Al

Al: Now that service is going to get even better.
Tim: That's right. We're proud to introduce Harry's new Video Tool Library. So, come on down to the store and borrow a video for any project you might be working on, absolutely free!
Tim: Did you say free?
Al: I said free!
Tim: And that's not all. If you have any questions about any one of the videos, you can call us at our 24-hour tool line.
Al: That's right. Tim and I bought these cell phones for the express purpose of being there for you!
Tim: Al and I are standing by 24 hours a day to attend to all the questions of our hardware store customers. Call us anytime, 24 hours a day, night or day, day or night! [phone rings]
Al: [answers phone] Harry's on call! No problem too small! No, Mother. This won't conflict with square-dancing night.
Tim: Harry's Hardware!

Quote from Tim

Tim: [answers phone] Okay, Harry's hot line. No problem too small. Oh, a blocked toilet. Yeah, yeah, that's very, very hard. Don't put drain cleaner in there. No! That's not a good idea. Ew. Well, you're gonna need a snake or a crowbar to bust that sucker up. [Jill sighs and rolls over] Huh? Yeah. What the heck you been eating, sir? Yeah. [hangs up] Okay, where were we?
Jill: Nowhere.
Tim: What do you mean "nowhere"?
Jill: Well, first of all, that phone call was really disgusting.
Tim: Worse for him.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Well, the business is just ruining your whole life. You haven't slept in weeks.
Tim: Well, it's working though. I've been getting a lot of new customers in the store.
Jill: Yeah. But, honey, at what cost? The more customers you get, the harder you have to work. It's affecting your whole life, you know? Your family, your work, your health, my sex life.
Tim: You're not thinking of calling Eddie, are you?
Jill: No. It's his turn to call me.

Quote from Tim

Marty: Hey, Tim. Business was great today.
Tim: That's good. Pack your things up. I'm gonna sell to the nail salon.
Marty: What are you talking about? You mean I don't have a job anymore?
Tim: Depends how good you are with an emery board.

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