Heidi: Welcome to a very special Tool Time, live from Tim's bathroom. Now here they are, those princes of porcelain, those titans of the toilet, those jokers of the john, those bad boys of the bowl, those...
Tim: [o.s.] Heidi!
Heidi: Sorry. Tim Taylor and Al Borland.

Stage Manager: Hey, where are you guys going? We're on! We're on in five, four, three, two...
Heidi: Welcome back to Tool Time, with those kings of the can, those lords of the loo, those thrill-seekers of the throne, those heroes of the head, those...
Tim: [o.s.] Heidi!

Jill: What was it you were trying to say?
Tim: That's our song, right there. That's our song.
Jill: "La Cucaracha" is our song?
Tim: [sings] La cucaracha, la cucaracha
Nancy: Tim and I saw each other naked.
Tim: [sings] I didn't mean to, I thought it was you, la la la la la la! Hey, everybody, come on!

Marty: Hey, this is gonna be great, isn't it?
Tim: Yeah.
Marty: You and me back in the same city again. Although... I don't know if I can afford a house out here.
Tim: Oh, come on, come on. We'll go look for one, maybe a little fixer-upper. And you know who can do the fixing.
Marty: I'm hoping Al.

Marty: If I get this job, I'd be working for one of the fastest-growing sporting goods stores in the state. It's got through-the-roof potential.
Tim: Honey, that's just how I felt when I started with Binford.
Jill: Yeah, and Tim's been through seven or eight roofs.
Tim: Actually, six, and a Porta-Potti.

Wilson: Well, Tim, this brings to mind the great Buddha.
Tim: A cheese.
Wilson: That's Gouda. I'm talking about Buddha. The prophet.
Tim: Ah.
Wilson: Even though I've always considered him a pretty big cheese. [chuckles] Anyway... Buddha says men are conquerors if they conquer the intoxications of temptation.
Tim: [grunts] Yeah. Oh, that's... I have no idea what you just said.
Wilson: What I'm saying is, it's perfectly natural for a man to be drawn to a woman he finds attractive.
Tim: I just wish this hadn't happened. If I'm gonna walk in on a family member, it should be my brother Brian's wife.

Nancy: This is ridiculous. There is so much space between us we could fit in another person.
Tim: OK. Excuse me. Care to join us?
Milton: Hey! I don't go in for that type of thing.

Tim: Marty, it was an accident, OK? It was like the first time that guy Buddha sold his first naked cheese.
Jill: How can you feel anything but pity for a man like this?

Marty: I just don't like the idea that you saw my wife with no clothes on.
Tim: Oh, grow up, will you? Would it make you feel better if you saw my wife with no clothes on?
Jill: Tim!
Marty: Well...
Nancy: Marty!

Randy: Man, I can't wait till Saturday. Sherman's bar mitzvah's gonna be awesome.
Mark: I thought you had to be Jewish to go to a bar mitzvah?
Randy: Right, Mark. And you have to be Swiss to eat cheese.