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‘The Naked Truth’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: The Naked Truth

419. The Naked Truth

Aired February 28, 1995

Tim doesn't want to tell Jill when he accidentally sees Marty's wife Nancy in the shower.

Quote from Heidi

Heidi: Welcome to a very special Tool Time, live from Tim's bathroom. Now here they are, those princes of porcelain, those titans of the toilet, those jokers of the john, those bad boys of the bowl, those...
Tim: [o.s.] Heidi!
Heidi: Sorry. Tim Taylor and Al Borland.

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Quote from Heidi

Stage Manager: Hey, where are you guys going? We're on! We're on in five, four, three, two...
Heidi: Welcome back to Tool Time, with those kings of the can, those lords of the loo, those thrill-seekers of the throne, those heroes of the head, those...
Tim: [o.s.] Heidi!

Quote from Tim

Jill: What was it you were trying to say?
Tim: That's our song, right there. That's our song.
Jill: "La Cucaracha" is our song?
Tim: [sings] La cucaracha, la cucaracha
Nancy: Tim and I saw each other naked.
Tim: [sings] I didn't mean to, I thought it was you, la la la la la la! Hey, everybody, come on!

Quote from Marty

Marty: Hey, this is gonna be great, isn't it?
Tim: Yeah.
Marty: You and me back in the same city again. Although... I don't know if I can afford a house out here.
Tim: Oh, come on, come on. We'll go look for one, maybe a little fixer-upper. And you know who can do the fixing.
Marty: I'm hoping Al.

Quote from Jill

Marty: If I get this job, I'd be working for one of the fastest-growing sporting goods stores in the state. It's got through-the-roof potential.
Tim: Honey, that's just how I felt when I started with Binford.
Jill: Yeah, and Tim's been through seven or eight roofs.
Tim: Actually, six, and a Porta-Potti.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Well, Tim, this brings to mind the great Buddha.
Tim: A cheese.
Wilson: That's Gouda. I'm talking about Buddha. The prophet.
Tim: Ah.
Wilson: Even though I've always considered him a pretty big cheese. [chuckles] Anyway... Buddha says men are conquerors if they conquer the intoxications of temptation.
Tim: [grunts] Yeah. Oh, that's... I have no idea what you just said.
Wilson: What I'm saying is, it's perfectly natural for a man to be drawn to a woman he finds attractive.
Tim: I just wish this hadn't happened. If I'm gonna walk in on a family member, it should be my brother Brian's wife.

Quote from Tim

Nancy: This is ridiculous. There is so much space between us we could fit in another person.
Tim: OK. Excuse me. Care to join us?
Milton: Hey! I don't go in for that type of thing.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Marty, it was an accident, OK? It was like the first time that guy Buddha sold his first naked cheese.
Jill: How can you feel anything but pity for a man like this?

Quote from Marty

Marty: I just don't like the idea that you saw my wife with no clothes on.
Tim: Oh, grow up, will you? Would it make you feel better if you saw my wife with no clothes on?
Jill: Tim!
Marty: Well...
Nancy: Marty!

Quote from Randy

Randy: Man, I can't wait till Saturday. Sherman's bar mitzvah's gonna be awesome.
Mark: I thought you had to be Jewish to go to a bar mitzvah?
Randy: Right, Mark. And you have to be Swiss to eat cheese.

Quote from Tim

Nancy: This is really embarrassing.
Tim: Yeah, it is a little bit, isn't it?
Nancy: Although what do we have to be embarrassed about? It's not like either of us hasn't seen a naked body before.
Tim: I've seen thousands of 'em.
Nancy: We have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.
Tim: Yeah. Especially you!
Nancy: Thanks. Actually, when you think about it, it's kinda funny.
Tim: Yeah, it's funny. Yeah.
Nancy: Marty and Jill are gonna laugh at this.
Tim: I don't think it's that funny.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I hate to pry, fellas. What are you doing?
Brad: Randy split his pants doing the limbo.
Tim: And you're using a stapler to fix it? That's material on human flesh back there, pal. Let me get my hot glue gun.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Tim? Tim?
Tim: What is it, honey? What? What? What?
Jill: Excuse me. There are trucks double-parked all the way down the street. You said that if you did Tool Time from our bathroom, it'd be you, Al, Heidi, and one cameraman.
Tim: Wait till the audience gets here. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I had to do something to boost the ratings.
Jill: Oh, this'll be a real ratings-grabber. "Hey, Myrtle, forget Hawaii. Let's just stay home and watch Tim play with his toilet."

Quote from Tim

Tim: It's Water Conservation Week here on Tool Time, and what better place than here in the bathroom?
Al: That's right. Today we're going to show you how to install low-flow aerators, shower heads, and some water-conserving devices for the toilet.
Tim: But first, a little Tool Time riddle. What does the 50-yard line, behind home plate, and your toilet have in common? [imitates buzzer] The best seats in the house!
Al: All right, now. The standard toilet uses about 3.5 gallons per flush. Now, you can lessen that amount by displacing the water in the tank. You do that by taking off the top and filling that with large, heavy objects.
Tim: Now, we're not sure if it'll work, but we're gonna have Al jump in there. Okay, Al, hop in.
Al: I was talking more along the lines of perhaps a brick, a bag of marbles, or a plastic bottle filled with water.
Tim: Now, another good way to conserve water, if you can afford it, is a new toilet. What we would recommend is the Binford 6100 series pressure-activated toilet.
Al: That's right.
Tim: It only uses 1.4 gallons of water. Better than any other toilet on the market.
Al: Not true. The toilet on the space shuttle uses absolutely no water.
Tim: Thank you, Flush Gordon. We'll be back with more toilet tips after these few messages from Binford.

Quote from Mark

Mark: What is a bar mitzvah, anyways?
Brad: Well, when a Jewish boy turns 13, they say a whole bunch of prayers, and then eventually his family throws him a huge party, with lots of food and tons of presents.
Mark: Cool. You think if I start praying now, I could have a bar mitzvah?
Brad: Yeah, Mark, why don't you do that? Then tomorrow you can pray for a new brain.
Mark: I just hope I don't get yours.

Quote from Tim

Tim: He's got a job interview on Saturday. You know, if he gets that job, I think they're going to move here.
Jill: Great. We'd get to play with those babies all the time.
Tim: And I get to play with my baby brother.
Jill: You're not gonna put him in a red ant hill again, are you?
Tim: I think I've grown out of that kind of prank.
Jill: Give him atomic wedgies?
Tim: Way too old for that.
Jill: Fake vomit in the shoes?
Tim: Never too old for that.

Quote from Marty

Nancy: Did you call home? How is everything?
Marty: Oh, my mom's fine.
Nancy: I was talking about the babies.
Marty: I don't know. They wouldn't come to the phone. [Nancy slaps Marty's shoulder] Ow! Where do they learn that?
Tim: SWAT team.

Quote from Tim

Jill: I can't believe you! Your first morning away from the kids. You could have slept in.
Nancy: Nope. I am determined to get my old body back.
Tim: It's back.
Nancy: I still have a few more pounds to lose.
Jill: Oh, you look great. I'd take that body in a minute.
Tim: So would l.
Jill: What does that mean?
Tim: If I had a body like that, I could wear the jogging bra I've always wanted to.
Marty: I picture you more in a strapless push-up.
Tim: Yeah? Really, Nancy, how comfortable is that bra? I mean, does it chafe? I'm so sensitive in this area...

Quote from Jill

Marty: I'm off to the job interview. Wish me luck.
Tim: Hey, you don't need luck. You're a Taylor.
Jill: That's right. You need directions.
Tim: That reminds me. I got a map for you out in the car. [heads to the garage]
Jill: Wrong way. Your car's out front.
Tim: Of course it is.

Quote from Jill

Nancy: I think I'll go take a hot shower. My back gets stiff when I don't run on the track.
Jill: Well, that's good, but use our bathroom, 'cause Randy's been in his all morning.
Nancy: Oh, has he got a big date?
Jill: Big bar mitzvah. Oh, my gosh. I gotta run out and get Sherman a present.
Nancy: Do you want to borrow my earmuffs? It's really nippy out there.
Jill: No, Nancy, when I say "run out", I mean "take the car."

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